Frank Carson Quotes

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.