Emo Philips Quotes

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady ... take your purse.'

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist's instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he's the one between tunes that makes announcements.

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a ... small child.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know ... You break it, you buy it.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th ... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy ...

I learned about sex the hard way ... from books.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence ... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ... "

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers ... damn anthropologists.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples ... you don't have to shout into them!

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Ambiguity - the Devil's volleyball.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

You know what I hate? Indian givers ... no, I take that back.

If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good
bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back ...

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.

Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but ...

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.