Funny Cat Quotes

I'm a cat person. I have two giant cats [Harry and Arturo] that I call the small panthers. They're like 17 pounds each-they're big boys! Every photo on my phone is of them doing something funny. ~ Dave Franco

You can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals. ~ George Mikes

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat. ~ Mark Twain

By and large, people who enjoy teaching animals to roll over will find themselves happier with a dog. ~ Barbara Holland

Perhaps it is because cats do not live by human patterns, do not fit themselves into prescribed behavior, that they are so united to creative people. ~ Andre Norton

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions. ~ Andy Borowitz

The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
It isn't just one of your holiday games;
You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter
When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.
First of all, there's the name that the family use daily,
Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James,
Such as Victor or Jonathan, or George or Bill Bailey -
All of them sensible everyday names.
There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,
Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:
Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter -
But all of them sensible everyday names.
But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,
A name that's peculiar, and more dignified,
Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,
Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?
Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,
Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat,
Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum -
Names that never belong to more than one cat.
But above and beyond there's still one name left over,
And that is the name that you never will guess;
The name that no human research can discover -
But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess.
When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:
His ineffable effable
Eff ~ T.S. Eliot

Cats can be cooperative when something feels good, which, to a cat, is the way everything is supposed to feel as much of the time as possible. ~ Roger Caras

Those who will play with cats must expect to be scratched. ~ Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra

In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this. ~ Terry Pratchett

I miss my brother. Prince was a funny cat. Great sence of humor. ~ Spike Lee

The cat seldom interferes with other people's rights. His intelligence keeps him from doing many of the fool things that complicate life. ~ Carl Van Vechten

I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days. ~ Bill Dana

A kitten is the most irresistible comedian in the world. Its wide-open eyes gleam with wonder and mirth. It darts madly at nothing at all, and then, as though suddenly checked in the pursuit, prances sideways on its hind legs with ridiculous agility and zeal. ~ Agnes Repplier

I apologize. Hi, I'm Agent Sloane Brodie, your Team Leader. I enjoy reading, cozy nights in, and the soothing sounds of classic rock. I also like to browse the Internet for funny cat videos, but deep down, I think I'm more of a dog person. ~ Charlie Cochet

I don't mess with that cat. I'm pretty sure he carries a blade under his jersey. ~ Charles Barkley

Being effective at social media, whether for business or personal use, means capturing people who have short attention spans. They're only a click away from a picture of a funny cat, so you have to make your thing more compelling than that cat. And that can be a high bar. ~ Alexis Ohanian

In the high days of European imperialism, conquistadors and merchants bought entire islands and countries in exchange for coloured beads. In the twenty-first century our personal data is probably the most valuable resource most humans still have to offer, and we are giving it to the tech giants in exchange for email services and funny cat videos. ~ Yuval Noah Harari

Way down deep, we're all motivated by the same urges. Cats have the courage to live by them. ~ Jim Davis

It seemed that it was not only live magicians which Mr. Norrell despised. He had taken the measure of all the dead ones too and found them wanting. ~ Susanna Clarke

What's funny is that male strippers don't wear thongs anymore. They wear flat backs. ~ Joe Manganiello

Being a laborer with one hand is about as useful as being a sperm donor with one nut. ~ Devon McCormack

I have an inability to enjoy things, but that's why we're in comedy. If we were happy, we wouldn't be funny, I guess. ~ Paul Feig

I know what party you're talking about. I might have to swing through. Especially if you're going to be there in a costume." He winked and leaned back in his seat.
"I'm going as a homeless person."
"Sexy. ~ Chanelle Gray

Beer is a wholesome liquor ... it abounds with nourishment ~ Benjamin Rush

I incline to the quantum mechanical view in this matter. My theory is that your cat is not lost, but that his waveform has temporarily collapsed and must be restored. Schrödinger. Planck. And so on." -- Dirk Gently ~ Douglas Adams

...for if she had two characteristics in her natural state of health, they were a facility of eating and sleeping. If she could neither eat nor sleep, she must be indeed out of spirits and out of Health. ~ Elizabeth Gaskell

The whiskered goddess had two natures; as Sekhmet the lioness, she was a mighty queen of sun-fire and war, and a harbinger of raw spiritual powers. As Bast the cat, she was the gentle bringer of love and domestic joy. ~ Zita Steele

And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.' That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. ~ George Carlin

Everyone is an athlete. The only difference is that some of us are in training, and some are not. ~ George A. Sheehan

In my family, we let our boys have a say in what veggie side they want for dinner that night. We list off a handful of options and get them excited about helping to plan the dinner menu. They're much more inclined to finish their plates when they've helped decide what goes on them. ~ Cat Cora

What part of Canada are you from, honey?"
"THE LEFT PART," said Jay. ~ Adam Rex

This is beautiful," I said, ignoring the shop window to trace the gleaming stone walls fronting another boutique.
"You know what's funny?" Jacob asked. He didn't wait for my answer. "You can see beauty in everything, except for yourself."
***
I swallowed hard. Erik thought my body was beautiful, Karin that it was enviable. At random times, people had noted that my hands were beautiful, or my hair. The Twisted Sisters had called my art beautiful. Mom had the best intentions and always told me before and after my laser surgeries that I would be beautiful. But no one had ever said that I was beautiful, all my parts taken together, not just the bits and pieces. ~ Justina Chen

That's why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn't going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours.
First round. "Cat, K-A-T, I'm outta here." Then as he passed you, "Ha! I know there's 2 T's. ~ Brian Regan

Every time you try to flirt with her, a puppy dies. ~ Maureen Johnson

I read this book once where the girl yelled 'cat' right before they were about to get some bow-chicka-bow-wow,' I told him. 'It was high-larious. ~ J. Lynn

We're getting the blues about having to walk away from this whole thing. We enjoyed it a lot and it all felt good. We had a good experience on it. We thought we could do good work together. And it is unusual to get the next one, straight off the bed. John is funny. When he gets moving, he moves pretty quickly. ~ Brendan Gleeson

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? ~ Don Rickles

It's money. I remember it from when I was single ~ Billy Crystal

We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means. ~ Milton Jones

The rules are strict but simple: Poker asks, nay, commands all its adherents to cut the bullshit and embrace reality. It will toy with the deluded - those who have everything figured out - with the playful cruelty of a cat toying with a mouse. Bring all of your convictions and credentials, your anger and insecurities to the poker table and the Poker Gods will tease you and mock you and fill you with false hopes and send you to the ATM a few times before releasing you, broke and steaming, at 5am. ~ Katya G. Cohen

Hugging your cat can make you very happy, provided she doesn't scratch you. ~ Wilson Villanueva

He was wearing a look that she found odd and compelling - that amusement that didn't seem to pass beyond the surface of his features, as he found everything in the world both infinitely funny and infinitely tragic all at the same time. ~ Cassandra Clare

I can embarrass myself very easily on guitar. It's funny because people say to me I can play anything; I'm God on the guitar. But I could make a big list of everything I can't play ... I'm grateful that people don't notice that. ~ Joe Satriani

It's curious that throughout our history together, with no apparent effort, people have been able to think of the cat simultaneously as the guardian spirit of the hearth and home, and as the emblem of freedom, independence, and rootlessness. ~ Barbara Holland

I squinted one of my eyes at Daniel.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is me, giving you the side eye." I continued to squint.
"Well, you look like you're having a stroke ~ Hodkin Michelle

I've had two unlucky injuries that are the equivalent of walking under 1,000 ladders and seeing 1,000 black cats. ~ Andrew Bogut

She's out, Jim! The bugger's out!" Well this was great. Anybody who has driven a car with a hysterical cat hurtling around the interior will appreciate my situation. ~ James Herriot

I think we agree, the past is over. ~ George W. Bush

Since Sienna was in an unusually cooperative mood, the session went well. He was returning from it midmorning - after a short detour - when a small naked body barreled into him in one of the main corridors. Steadying the boy with Tk, he looked down. The child lifted a finger to his lips. "Shh. I'm hiding." With that, he went behind Judd and scrambled into a small alcove. "Quickly!
Not sure why he obeyed the order, Judd backed up to stand in front of the alcove, arms crossed.

A flustered Lara came running around the corner a few seconds later. "Have you seen Ben? Four-year-old. Naked as a jaybird?"

"How tall is he?" Judd asked in his most overbearing Psy manner.

Lara stared. "He's four. How tall do you think he is? Have you seen him or not?"

"Let me think...did you say he was naked?"

"He was about to be bathed. Slippery little monkey."

A giggle from behind Judd.

Lara's eyes widened and then her lips twitched. "So you haven't seen him?"

"Without a proper description, I can't be sure."

The healer was obviously trying not to laugh. "You shouldn't encourage him - he's incorrigible as it is."

Judd felt childish hands on his left calf and then Ben poked his head out. "I'm incorwigeable, did ya hear?"

Judd nodded. "I do believe you've been found. Why don't you go have your bath?"

"Come on, munchkin." Lara held out a hand.

Surprisingly st ~ Nalini Singh

I think there's something really sexy about being funny and being quirky and weird. I think we're in a generation where we're accepting weirdness and individuality, and I think that's the most important part. ~ Denise Bidot

O Music! Miraculous art! A blast of thy trumpet and millions rush forward to die; a peal of thy organ and uncounted nations sink down to pray. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

Has he been conscious at all?"
"Yes. He woke up once and looked at me funny."
"Did he say anything?"
"He said, 'You don't have red hair.' Then he fell back asleep. ~ Tricia Levenseller

I don't think it's ever easy to be funny. I find it easy to amuse myself with a certain sort of cynical dark humor that tends toward the meaner side, like my character in Happy Gilmore. Those kinds of characters come easily to me. ~ Ben Stiller

I decided the reason why Luccas rushed off was he was allergic to the food that they had brought out. Not paying compliments to the decorations, I poked at the squid with a fork making sure it was dead. Yuck, it reminded me of squid shaped spaghetti. My mind imagined it struggling to break free from my fork. Its legs flopped back and forth, to the sides almost as if it danced. Then to eat it while it squirmed after every bite; chomp, chomp, chomp. On the other hand, you could also eat it raw, but I suppose that was where the squirming comes in. Hmm ... Any who ... Before we get off topic, I finally ate it. Yes, even with the gross images in mind. ~ Millicent Ashby

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced 'mirage'. ~ Herbert Spencer

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top. ~ Pete Dye

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. ~ Demetri Martin

I've met the most interesting people while flying or on a boat. These methods of travel seem to attract the kind of people I want to be with. ~ Hedy Lamarr

IF WE DIE FOR THEM, I'LL KILL YOU, HARRY! ~ J.K. Rowling

Millstone sputtered, I don't know where you're getting your information, G.T., but that's as bogus as a barking cat! ~ Joan Bauer

Throwing acid is wrong ... in some people's eyes. ~ Jimmy Carr

You know, I'm not real tall. I'm 6'0, 6'½, but I think people think I'm shorter than I am because I'm not the most muscular cat in the world. ~ Mark McGrath

If you think is was an accident, applaud. ~ Geraldo Rivera