Funny Women Quotes

I had no male friends now, though I did have a strong community of intelligent, supportive, funny women and I felt confused as to why they weren't enough for me, ~ Charlotte Shane

What's so great about working with really funny women is that vanity comes second. Whatever makes it real and funny, they're going to go for, and it's just great. ~ Paul Feig

The problem is that we live in an uptight country. Why don't we just laugh at ourselves? We are funny. Gays are funny. Straights are funny. Women are funny. Men are funny. We are all funny, and we all do funny things. Let's laugh about it. ~ Bob Newhart

People of my generation in Portugal fell into the magic potion of political ideas. What was very funny about this revolution was that it did not bring wealth to the Portuguese. But it brought language, ideas. You'd go to the fish market, and all the women who were selling fish would call each other fascist, communist. ~ Maria De Medeiros

Who do I like? I am a big fan of French and Saunders - not that that they are particularly stand-up I have to say, but I think they have been great for women and they are of themselves just incredibly funny whether they are male or female. ~ Jo Brand

For years, it's driven me crazy that women don't have better roles, especially in comedies. I know so many funny women but I always felt ... misogynist streak is too strong a term - but a dismissiveness. ~ Paul Feig

I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year. ~ Bette Davis

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. ~ Robin Williams

There is still a funny notion that women should not write violent fiction. ~ Val McDermid

I think 'Saturday Night Live', starting in the 1970s, really gave women an outlet to be funny. A lot of those women went on to have film careers, from Kristen Wiig now to Tina Fey and Gilda Radner. ~ Emma Stone

I think Irish women are strong as horses, incredibly loyal and for the most part, funny, witty, bright and optimistic in the face of devastating reality. ~ Fionnula Flanagan

I was always useless at flirting, and simply did not know what needed to be done in order to snare my target... I always ended up resorting to jokes, and most men don't like funny women. They like to do the jokes. ~ Joan Sims

The promos with all of the beautiful women probably attracted some men, but the mystery story line is pretty cool. It's got that dark edge, and people will watch anything funny. ~ James Denton

The best accessory for a woman - handsome man! ~ Coco Chanel

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

If you think about it, there aren't that many women who are in their 40s, who are Jewish and funny and stage-worthy. ~ Amanda Peet

Sites like Funny or Die and College Humor are great, but I'd say it's appealing to 80% men and 20% women. ~ Zooey Deschanel

Hey!" Sam snapped, ducking the sticky shrapnel. "Keep your snot to yourself."
Dev scoffed at that. "Oh, so now you don't want to touch me, huh?" He tsked. "What is it with women? the instant you put a little slime on them, they get squeamish and have no more use for you. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

I think women have such rich emotional lives that they are expressive about. I also think they're funny. I like watching strong female characters, and I like writing them. I don't know if it's conscious that I gravitate towards women, but it's certainly evolved that way. ~ Darren Star

I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women. ~ Louis XIV

Everyone knows that a man can marry even if he reaches the age of 102, is penniless, and has all his facilities gone. There is always some woman willing to take a chance on him. ~ Amy Vanderbilt

Rubenesque: the word for masterpiece curves. Screw you, unsalted rice cakes. ~ Christine Heppermann

The funny part about Islam is; even if you rape a woman, it would be considered as her fault. ~ M.F. Moonzajer

Girls are supposed to be feminine and demure. Comedy isn't about that, so you just have to unlearn it. Certain women are so pretty, they can't go weird enough to be funny. You have to be willing to be ugly. I'm lucky my face can look so hideous. ~ Jennifer Coolidge

I think there have always been funny women, from Carol Burnett to Joan Rivers. When the audience sees a woman, they innately know she's worked twice as hard to get there, she's had to prove that she can be the leader, first, and then be funny on top of it. She has to emit a confidence that she's in control. ~ Wendy Liebman

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is. ~ Helen Rowland

There are so many funny women in the world, and there has been for so many years, so I'll be happy when people can just move on from that, and things can just be 'comedies' and not 'female' or 'male,' and everyone gets an equal opportunity. ~ Kristen Wiig

There's always an article coming out, saying, 'The new thing is funny women!' ~ Lena Dunham

It's funny how you never think about the women you've had. It's always the ones who get away that you can't forget. ~ Chuck Palahniuk

It used to be that you had to make female TV characters perfect so no one would be offended by your 'portrayal' of women. Even when I started out on 'The Office' eight years ago, we could write our male characters funny and flawed, but not the women. And now, thankfully, it's completely different. ~ Mindy Kaling

There are some really funny women at 'SNL,' man. ~ Bill Hader

I mean, I'm married first of all to one of, if not the most wonderful women in the world. She is everything - funny, attractive, hard-working, she has integrity, she loves me to bits. ~ Seal

It's funny - my wife is more jealous of my books than of other women because I'm always working and thinking about my books. ~ Antonio Lobo Antunes

Wherever you find 'men together' - writing the rules, as at exclusive golf or other men's clubs, businesses, and lodges where they wear elaborate robes and funny hats - women are kept completely outside if possible and, when grudgingly admitted, to highly restricted areas or token status. ~ Eugene Kennedy

I listen like mad to any conversation taking place next to me just trying to hear why this is funny. Women's restrooms are especially great. I wash my hands twice waiting for people to come in and start talking. ~ Lynda Barry

The men liked to put me down as the best woman painter. I think I'm one of the best painters. ~ Georgia O'Keeffe

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause. ~ Dave Barry

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. ~ Christopher Morley

Normally, it's one or the other - a pretty, straight woman or a more charactery woman who isn't supposed to be attractive. But women like Tina Fey are leading the charge on being both. You can be funny and attractive. ~ Becki Newton

To me, I've never understood why there is any question about are women as funny as men. ~ Judd Apatow

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire? ~ Rita Rudner

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. ~ Elizabeth Taylor

The only reason I'd ever get a sex change operation is to see what it's like to be right all the time. ~ Brian Wilson

I love funny women. I love writing funny women characters. ~ Michael Patrick King

I think it's so funny when people think they can't control a movie star. They can. We're just women, you know. ~ Esther Williams

Because I grew up with women, I have a certain amount of charm, and I'm all right to get on with, kind enough, funny enough, blah blah blah. ~ James Nesbitt

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. ~ Natalie Wood

There are those sweet moments in your life where you realize that tings could be infinitely worse; that though you feel it's the end of the world, it is in fact simply a set back and you're being melodramatic. Usually, these moments are painfully pointed out by your best friends: those two funny women who make your day brighter simply because they exist in your world. Those women, who despite all of your many, many, flaws love you regardless and who know way too much about your stupidity when it comes to men and never once have said, "I told you so"...at least to your face. Those women are what make this world bearable when it is too cold to shoulder alone and it is because of them I was able to get up and carry on after something we will from henceforth refer to as "the event. ~ Sarah Damron

If you feel rooted in your home and family, if you're active in your community, there's nothing more empowering. The best way to make a difference in the world is to start by making a difference in your own life. ~ Julia Louis-Dreyfus

It's funny because I think that both France and Britain are known for their distinctive styles, and everyone says that France is so chic and elegant but I think, more than that, French women are renowned for dressing in what suits them. ~ Alexa Chung

A husband only worries about a particular Other Man; a wife distrusts her whole species. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

GamerGate is really a sexist temper tantrum. That's kind of a silly, funny way of putting it, but it's kind of what it feels like, right? They're going after and targeting women who are trying to make changes in the industry. They're attacking anyone who supports women. ~ Anita Sarkeesian

There are a lot of funny women in my life. I never understand those movies where there's eight funny guys and two women who don't have any opinion or humour. ~ Melissa McCarthy

It's funny: I kinda still float under the radar. I'm not tall like a New York Knick; I'm not a heavy, strong New York Giant or New York Jet. I blend in pretty well. A lot of people don't recognize me too many places. More men recognize me than women. ~ Curtis Granderson

Let's face it, a nice creamy chocolate cake does a lot for a lot of people; it does for me. ~ Audrey Hepburn

I think the whole concept that women aren't funny is dead. It's over; it's done. ~ Kate Flannery

The letters I really love are from young actresses who were worried they had to fit a certain look. They say I've opened it up. And I don't just mean plus-size girls. You can push things now. With all the great performances in 'Bridesmaids', it changed how people see funny women. ~ Melissa McCarthy

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. ~ Woody Allen

It's funny about men and women. Men pay in cash to get them and pay in cash to get rid of them. Women pay emotionally coming and going. Neither has it easy. ~ Hedy Lamarr

It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

I've dated some women who have turned me on to some funny things that are strange for men to actually do, but these things have become part of my process. I think the things I do for my appearance help make me look better. I even colour my hair because I like how it makes me look. ~ Ryan Seacrest

I was the little, funny one. I felt I was the child among grown women. ~ Julie Walters

There's a lot of pretty funny women out there. ~ Chelsea Handler

There is a simple explanation for why men haven't found women funny. It's because men only ever experience women in relation to men: they never get to see what women are like with one another. Shows like ours started to let men in on the joke. ~ Magda Szubanski

Cheech and I used to call ourselves musicians; we never called ourselves comedians. We were musicians that were funny. ~ Tommy Chong

When I think of talking, it is of course with a woman. For talking at its best being an inspiration, it wants a corresponding divine quality of receptiveness, and where will you find this but in a woman? ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is
and it's me. ~ Homer

People often romanticize children or adults with special needs, as if they are innocent-yet-wise creatures who can humble us all into becoming better humans. First of all, nobody can be innocent and wise at the same time. That's another one of those impossible combinations. It's as unachievable and improbable as Brenda. Or Carli. And secondly, I'm not suggesting the ladies of Camp Anchor were either one of those things in particular. But they owned their own flaws, and I am grateful I got to meet them when I was only fourteen. I left camp knowing a bunch of women who weren't afraid to claim the guy they wanted to dance with; they didn't change a thing for the men they loved. ~ Amy Schumer

I don't think Reagan is primarily funny, and I don't think he's primarily marvelous; he's complicated. ~ Eugene Jarecki

And I would like current or future politicians to make sure every avenue of diplomacy, and what you have, are exhausted before sending young men and women off to death and serious injury. ~ Tomas Young

Now, religion professes a special role in the protection and instruction of children. "Woe to him," says the Grand Inquisitor in Dostoyevsky's The Brothers Karamazov, "who harms a child." The New Testament has Jesus informing us that one so guilty would be better off at the bottom of the sea, and with a millstone around his neck at that. But both in theory and in practice, religion uses the innocent and the defenseless for the purposes of experiment. By all means let an observant Jewish adult male have his raw-cut penis placed in the mouth of a rabbi. (That would be legal, at least in New York.) By all means let grown women who distrust their clitoris or their labia have them sawn away by some other wretched adult female. By all means let Abraham offer to commit filicide to prove his devotion to the Lord or his belief in the voices he was hearing in his head. By all means let devout parents deny themselves the succor of medicine when in acute pain and distress. By all means - for all I care - let a priest sworn to celibacy be a promiscuous homosexual. By all means let a congregation that believes in whipping out the devil choose a new grown-up sinner each week and lash him until he or she bleeds. By all means let anyone who believes in creationism instruct his fellows during lunch breaks. But the conscription of the unprotected child for these purposes is something that even the most dedicated secularist can safely describe as sin. ~ Christopher Hitchens

The Uprighters called them names and promised them an eternity of agony in the next world for their eagerness to be comfortable in this one. But like Shmul S, the intestine-tied milkman, the Slouchers couldn't give a shit. ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

To work is not only a right, it is a duty. To work to the full capacity of one's powers is necessary for human development - the full use of one's best faculties - this is the health and happiness for both man and woman. ~ Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Since violence is largely a male pastime, cultures that empower women tend to move away from the glorification of violence and are less likely to breed dangerous subcultures of rootless young men. ~ Steven Pinker

It is pure mythology that women cannot perform as well as men in science, engineering and mathematics. In my experience, the opposite is true: Women are often more adept and patient at untangling complex problems, multitasking, seeing the possibilities in new solutions and winning team support for collaborative action. ~ Weili Dai

Only a man can see in the face of a woman the girl she was. It is a secret which can be revealed only to a particular man, and, then, only at his insistence. But men have no secrets, except from women, and never grow up in the way women do. It is very much harder, and it takes much longer, for a man to grow up, and he could never do it at all without women. This is a mystery which can terrify and immobilize a woman, and it is always the key to her deepest distress. She must watch and guide, but he must lead, and he will always appear to be giving far more of his real attention to his comrades than he is giving to her. But that noisy, outward openness of men with each other enables them to deal with the silence and secrecy of women, that silence and secrecy which contains the truth of a man, and releases it. I suppose that the root of the resentment - a resentment which hides a bottomless terror - has to do with the fact that a woman is tremendously controlled by what the man's imagination makes of her - literally, hour by hour, day by day; so she becomes a woman. But a man exists in his own imagination, and can never be at the mercy of a woman's. - Anyway, in this fucked up time and place, the whole thing becomes ridiculous when you realize that women are supposed to be more imaginative than men. This is an idea dreamed up by men, and it proves exactly the contrary. The truth is that dealing with the reality of men leaves a woman very little time, or need, for imagination. An ~ James Baldwin

And after years of hearing the heart-cry of women, I am convinced beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority to someone. How could we have missed this? From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God's heart is, "Why won't you choose Me?" It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerable God is on this point. "You will ... find me," says the Lord, "when you seek me with all your heart" (Jer. 29:13). In other words, "Look for me, pursue me
I want you to pursue me." Amazing. As Tozer says, "God waits to be wanted. ~ John Eldredge

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I'm heaven's landscape painter. ~ Bauvard

Talk about getting off tangent. My mother's friend may have just killed his wife and my parents are sitting there talking about cows. ~ Wendy Lichtman

That's the problem with best friends. Sometimes they know you better than you know yourself. ~ Cecily Von Ziegesar

Where was Lauren in this maelstrom of awfulness? Where was the person she had previously thought herself to be? Intelligent, funny, in control, that Lauren. She'd been hiding as best as she could, sheltering in the back of her psyche somewhere, allowing the least evolved part of her instinctive self to be the thing that was present in this trauma. ~ Melanie Golding

Shane Warne's idea of a balanced diet is a cheeseburger in each hand ~ Ian Healy

Women are formed for love, yes, but also for purpose, and the highest state for a woman - for all humans, in fact - comes when one discovers and then achieves one's ultimate purpose. ~ Therese Anne Fowler

We have drugs to make women speak, but none to keep them silent. ~ Anatole France

To this day, I feel a fierce warmth for women that have the same disregard for the social conventions of sexual protocol as I do. I love it when I meet a woman and her sexuality is dancing across her face, so it's apparent that all we need to do is nod and find a cupboard. ~ Russell Brand

If you have a movie that doesn't strive to go to a certain emotional point, you can do anything and it will be fine and funny. But if you have something pretty emotional at its core, you have to make it right. You don't want it overwrought or unearned. Everything has to be moving towards this one thing. ~ Jennifer Yuh Nelson

The radical feminists succeeded in undermining the traditional family and convincing women that professional accomplishments are the key to happiness. ~ Rick Santorum

Nothing flatters me more than to have it assumed that I could write prose, unless it be to have it assumed that I once pitched a baseball with distinction. ~ Robert Frost

Come on, Ted. I'm not exactly the type to be a rich man's bimbo."
"That's true." A world of compassion softened his voice. "Bimbos are generally good-hearted women who are pleasant to be around."
"Spoken from experience, I'm sure. By the way, you may be God Almighty on the golf course, but you're a lousy dancer. Let me lead. ~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Women are a weird subspecies. But it must be hard walking around with a big fleshy slit in your body that keeps saying fuck me! ~ Robert Black

Magnus gazed upon Camille. Some of my fondest memories include lashings of cream and beautiful women. ~ Cassandra Clare

Why do foreigners always ask about clothing?" one woman doctor asked. "Why does it matter so much what we wear? Of all the issues in the world, is that really so important?" Another said: "You think we're victims, because we cover our hair and wear modest clothing. But we think that it's Western women who are repressed, because they have to show their bodies - even go through surgery to change their bodies - to please men. ~ Nicholas D. Kristof

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? ~ Steven Wright

Regardless of the faps in years, place and circumstance, women across the ages have had to negotiate the borders of their identities; in this, we find a common ground. ~ Stephanie Staal

A woman springs a sudden reproach upon you which provokes a hot retort, and then she will presently ask you to apologize. ~ Mark Twain

Cruel World"

Share my body and my mind with you,
That's all over now.
Did what I had to do,
'Cause it's so far past me now.

Share my body and my life with you,
That's way over now.
There's not more I can do,
You're so famous now.

Got your bible, got your gun,
And you like to party and have fun.
And I like my candy and your women,
I'm finally happy now that you're gone.

Put my little red party dress on,
Everybody knows that I'm the best, I'm crazy.
Get a little bit of bourbon in ya,
Get a little bit suburban and go crazy.

Because you're young, you're wild, you're free,
You're dancin' circles around me,
You're fuckin' crazy.
Oh, oh, you're crazy for me.

I shared my body and my mind with you,
That's all over now.
I did what I had to do,
I found another anyhow.

Share my body and my mind with you,
That's all over now.
I did what I had to do,
I could see you leaving now.

I got your bible and your gun,
And you love to party and have fun.
And I love your women and all of your heroin,
And I'm so happy now that you're gone.

Put my little red party dress on,
Everybody knows that I'm a mess, I'm crazy, yeah-yeah.
Get a little bit of bourbon in ya,
Go a little bit suburban and go crazy, yeah-yeah.

Because you're young, you're wild, you're free,
Lana Del Rey

Erotica: the depiction of naked men. Depictions of naked women are far less innocent and are known as pornography. ~ Richard Summerbell

I honored my commitments, and as president, I will honor every commitment that I make to the men and women of this country. ~ Ted Cruz

A camera is just like a woman, as long as you have one of them hanging around your neck ... life is just fine ~ Sunny-Drunk

People say conversation is a lost art; how often I have wished it were. ~ Edward R. Murrow