Groucho Marx Quotes

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.

This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.

Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.

I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

TV is the rat race of the century.

The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way

According to the wire, you are resting well and are being taken care of by a nurse. I hope she is beautiful and that she has red hair. I don't know why, but whenever I dream of a nurse she always has red hair. Red hair makes a man want to recover his health quickly, so that he can get on his feet and get the nurse off hers." - Groucho Marx, letter to his son

Anything that can't be done in bed isn't worth doing at all.

In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

That's bad luck: three on a midget.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract
Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

I have had a wonderful time but this wasn't it.

I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me."
"What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?

Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

I'm not much of a correspondent. My letters are not only uninteresting but sparse. I'm glad I don?t have to write for a living. It?s arduous work and the money is very uncertain. On those rare occasions when I wander into a bookstore it amazes me to see the avalanche of literature and semi-literature that is turned out weekly in this country. The people who write these things are either desperate for money or love starved. Why should anyone on a nice balmy day lock oneself in an office and hit a typewriter for hours on end. I think one of the greatest pleasures in the world is not writing ...

I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

Mrs. Teasdale congratulates him on his coronation and sovereignty: "The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you." Firefly replies: "Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more."

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

He [Harpo] loved life and lived it joyously and deeply and that's about as good an epitaph as anyone can have.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.

The months before my son was born,
I used to yell from night to morn,
'Whatever it is, I'm against it!
No matter what it is or who commenced it,
I'm against it!'

I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Boogey boogey boogey

I am a man and you are a woman. I can't think of a better arrangement.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed ... But we're going back next week.

Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who wants to live in an institution?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy

Always examine the dice.

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.

Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.

Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

I'll teach you to kick me ... '
You don't need to teach me
I already know how!

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

Groucho Marx This is not a book that should be set aside lightly - it should be flung with great force.

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

Scientists make these deductions by examining a rat, or your landlord who won't cut the rent, and what do they find? Asparagus.

Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.

We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second. After fifteen days on the water and six on the boat we finally arrived on the shores of Africa.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

Goodreads.com is where introverts unite.

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

Wages? You want to be wage slaves? Answer me that! Of course not. What is it that makes wage slaves? Wages! I want you to be free. Strike off your chains! Strike up the band! Strike three you're out! Remember, there's nothing like Liberty, except Colliers and The Saturday Evening Post. Be free, now and forever. One and individual. One for all and all for me, and tea for two and six for a quarter ...

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

In a Chicago cafe the other night, an elderly man passed a table.
"There goes George," observed an onlooker. "When he was young, he was a handsome guy and had many companies. Left a wife and two kids to starve, and ran off with another woman. And now look at him. Old, broke and very sad."
"That's the way-it-goes," nodded Elly Kleinman. "Time wounds all heels.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

I must admit, I was born at an early age.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

That's three quotes? Add another quote and make it a gallon.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.