Andy Rooney Quotes

Conservatives are more religious than liberals
although there is no evidence that they're nicer people because of it.

Everyone hates war, everyone says.

I just wish insignificance had more stature.

A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.

The fastest thing computers do is go obsolete.

Numbers tend to give the impression that there's more order in the world than there is.

One question in my mind, which I hardly dare mention in public, is whether patriotism has, overall, been a force for good or evil in the world. Patriotism is rampant in war and there are some good things about it. Just as self-respect and pride bring out the best in an individual, pride in family, pride in teammates, pride in hometown bring out the best in groups of people. War brings out the kind of pride in country that encourages its citizens in the direction of excellence and it encourages them to be ready to die for it. At no time do people work so well together to achieve the same goal as they do in wartime. Maybe that's enough to make patriotism eligible to be considered a virtue. If only I could get out of my mind the most patriotic people who ever lived, the Nazi Germans.

The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.

I'm always on the lookout for something good about people. Often months go by.

I mean, I'm not a sexist person, but a woman has no business being down there trying to make some comment about a football game.

It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

Creativity is a by-product of hard work. If I never have another really new idea, it won't matter.

I've learned ... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned ... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

A writer's job is to tell the truth.

It's not so much that I write well, I just don't write badly very often and that passes for good on television.

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

I've learned ... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

Let's make a statement to the airlines just to get their attention. We'll pick a week next year and we'll all agree not to go anywhere for seven days.

I hate to say it, but I had a great time in World War II.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

The one affectation I have forced on the publisher ... are my apostrophe-free ellisions. Because I write my scripts to read myself, I dont spell 'don't' with an apostrophe. I spell it 'dont'. We all know the word and it seems foolish to put in an extraneous apostrophe. Punctuation marks are devices we use to make the meaning of sentences clear. There is nothing confusing about a word like 'dont' printed without an apostrophe to indicate an omitted letter.

I don't know anything offhand that mystifies Americans more than the cotton they put in pill bottles. Why do they do it? Are you supposed to put the cotton back in once you've taken a pill out?

I think a draft produces a better Army than the one we would have with all volunteers, because I think you get average Americans if you have a draft. And if it's an all-volunteer Army, you get people who join up because of some problem in their own lives. They don't have anything else to do, they don't have a job, or they can't find what they want to do, so they join the Army. And it doesn't produce the best Army.

One day about 10 years ago the door to my office opened and who walked in but Bill Gates ... Seemed like a nice guy and has done more with his money than most billionaires. But that's as far as I want to go being kind to Bill Gates.

I'm an admirer of everything Dr. Martin Luther King stood for, but I don't think he would have stood for this

I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.

I'd like to be rich enough so I could throw soap away after the letters are worn off

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

My most serious character flaw is that I don't deny myself much.

Walking is good for the soul.

Did you ever notice that people who are good with a computer don't use it for much of anything except being good with a computer? They know all about information technology, but they don't have much interest in the information. I'm the opposite.

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

I'd like to take some calculus, too. I have absolutely no ability in that direction and not much interest, either, but there's something going on in mathematics that I don't understand, and I'd like to find out what it is.

I've learned ... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

When it comes to educating all of us about the most basic things in life, it seems to me we need more kindergartens and fewer graduate schools.

The last birthday that's any good is 23.

There are more beauty parlors than there are beauties.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

All of us talk faster than we listen.

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.

Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it.

I did not believe in the war. I thought it was wrong to go into any war. And I got to the war, and saw the Germans, and I changed my mind. I decided we were right going into World War II.

People waiting for an elevator don't know what to do, standing with strangers. There is nothing to do. Its an uneasy time. Some press the button repeatedly as though it would help.

I've learned ... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

Milk without fat is like nonalcoholic Scotch.

I am interested in details. If you go into anything far enough, you get into the details of it, and people turn out to be interested in what makes things work.

I've learned ... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

Most college students are not as smart as most college presidents.

Where some people may see loving grandparents, I see a pair of feckless boobs who can't drive, take way too long to shop, and don't even have the most basic grasps on the new technology. As a staunch supporter of the principles of Darwinism, I think that advances in modern medicine are starting to overrule the survival of the fittest, and it's to our [youngers'] detriment.

When there are starving people in the world, it seems wrong that so many of us Americans eat as much for entertainment as for nourishment.

Don't you hate it when ... your suitcase is the last one off the airplane?

Before a kid learns how to use a computer that can solve mathematical problems, he or she should know how to do arithmetic without a computer.

In the futile attempts we all make to tidy up our lives and our surroundings, nothing is more difficult than throwing out a book.

I'm already suspicious of anyone who thinks he or she is smart enough to be president. You'd have to have some ego to believe that about yourself.

Sooner or later the world will have to return to the good old days when we fought wars and killed people the old-fashioned way, one at a time.

I never get over feeling bad about tearing open a beautifully wrapped present. It takes ten seconds to destroy a work of art that took someone ten minutes to accomplish.

In a conversation, keep in mind that you're more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is.

I've learned ... That when you're in love, it shows.

Most of us aren't that interested in getting rich- we just don't want to get poor.

One of the things we can be sure of over the July 4th weekend is that news reports will keep telling us how many of us are going to die in automobile accidents.

A little-recognized value of listening and inquiring relates to the realization that in human relationships, it is frequently not what the I've learned ... that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances: when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

There is obviously a great human need for religion because life seems to be such a mystery.

Art is a by-product of an honest and successful attempt to do something well.

If you do see me in a restaurant, please, just let me eat my dinner.

I spent my first 50 years trying to become known as a writer and the next 30 trying to avoid being famous. I walk down the street or go to a football game and people shout, 'Hey Andy'. I hate that.

I've learned ... that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels ... I write, "Could you throw this away for me?"

I'm in a position of feeling secure enough so that I can say what I think is right and if so many people think it's wrong that I get fired, well, I've got enough to eat.

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

I've learned ... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.

I think Dan [Rather] is transparently liberal. Now he may not like to hear me say that. I always agree with him, too. But I think he should be more careful.

I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned ... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you ... More

The dullest Olympic sport is curling, whatever 'curling' means.

The trouble with dictionaries is, they tell you more about words than you want to know without answering the question you have.

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn't that seem like cheating?

It's ridiculous for a country to get all worked up about a game - except the Super Bowl, of course. Now that's important.

I like animals who trust people.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

New ideas are one of the most overrated concepts of our time. Most of the important ideas that we live with aren't new at all.

The third rule of life is this: Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive, and not as good as it was yesterday.

I mean, the notion that we must love everything in this country or get out and go someplace else is ridiculous. I mean, if you
the best thing a patriotic American can do is to look and be critical and find out what's wrong and try to make it better. That's what a patriotic American does.

Don't take a butcher's advice on how to cook meat. If he knew, he'd be a chef.

Those to whom his word was revealed were always alone in some remote place, like Moses. There wasn't anyone else around when Mohammed got the word either. Mormon Joseph Smith and Christian Scientist, Mary Baker Eddy, had exclusive audiences with God. We have to trust them as reporters
and you know how reporters are. They'll do anything for a story.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.

I know a lot of you believe that most people in the news business are liberal. Let me tell you, I know a lot of them, and they were almost evenly divided this time. Half of them liked Senator Kerry; the other half hated President Bush.

I just sat there looking at television, sort of dumb and thought how horrible it was. I had
the grand aspects of it did not occur to me
I had no notion of this terrorist network that existed. I knew the were a lot of people in the world who didn't like us, but I had no idea that it was as well organized as it apparently is. That's one of the amazing facets of this terrible event: how well they did it. Incredible. The competence of these evil people.

Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer.

Numbers are the most certain things we have.