Andy Borowitz Quotes

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.

To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.

Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.

White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in "Duh" magazine.

Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.

Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.

I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.

The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.

We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.

The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps; and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.

A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.

Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.

Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.

Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.

If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.

Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"

If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them

Scientists have already proved beyond a shadow of a doubt the tremendous powers of psychic energy.

Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.

Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

There is a fine line between social networking and wasting your fucking life.

It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.

Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.

A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.