W.C. Fields Quotes

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose
to make people laugh.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

I never met a kid I liked.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.

Ain't fit for man nor beast

I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake ... which I also keep handy.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

You can't cheat an honest man.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.

Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is always placed on whisky. Why this should be I never could understand. You can die from drinking too much of anything - coffee, water, milk, soft drinks and all such stuff as that. And so as long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing. I will make mine whisky.

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives ... But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

I can do anything I want to do!

I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

I only drink to steady my nerves ... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

Beds are dangerous. More people die in bed than anywhere else.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill?
Oh, thank goodness ... I thought I'd lost it.

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night

Never trust a man who doesn't drink.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

Waitress: Don't be so free with your hands.
Fields: Listen honey, I was only trying to guess your weight.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.

It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

I drink with impunity ... or anyone else who invites me.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate all people equally.

I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

Always smile first thing in the morning.
Might as well get it over with.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?