Zach Galifianakis Quotes

I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.

I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'

As a comic, it's anti-comedy to be known. I think a lot of comedic actors get lost in this world of Hollywood and all this stuff. They lose what brought them there in the first place. I'm very trepidatious about it.

I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that.

I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.

I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.

I'm proud of The Hangover, but to be in movies like this, which are really the only places I can get work, it's really quite the opposite of what I am. I like sensitive art-house movies. I'm not even much of a partier. I mean, I'll drink myself into oblivion alone in my car.

The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find that time to sit down and learn about each other personally. I think that's totally wiped out; I don't think it really exists anymore.

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

Hollywood's built on insecurity. People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.

I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.

My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.

People get TV deals by doing something in their grandmother's basement. It is definitely the wave. Everybody is trying to do all that stuff. I mean, the Internet is the only reason that I've gotten work is because I've somehow created a line and people have seen it. And then I've been asked to auditions.

I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

You write things that are of interest to you. There's no focus group.

It's fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don't play on emotion too much.

You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

When a role seems fun it's easy to play. It kind of comes organically.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name
and you've never been to that bar before.

Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it.

Head gear, plus acne equals ... table for one in the cafeteria.

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

American society loves to prop people up and then take them down.

You save 15 more minutes of sleep if you are a man and you don't have to shave.

But comedy is like music, it appeals to some people. Some people like Creed, those people are usually pretty stupid. But they probably also like Carrot Top. I would say that they're part of the same ilk.

I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it.

I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing.

I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind.

You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired.

I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

That show, 'The Amazing Race' - is that about white people?

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.

I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans.

Did you ever wake up with an erection ... and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.

The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font.

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.

I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny.

I'm terrible at heights. I hate it. I'm glad I'm only 5'7.

I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.

When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies.

I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that.

I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but [your scent] is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do.

I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron ... and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.

I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do.

I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.

I've always been attracted to sad. If you look at Woody Allen movies, he's often playing a sad clown, and it's always been interesting. And angry clown is even more interesting.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

I call my balls the bush twins.

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for [fame]. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do.

My comfort zone is press conferences.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence, where a lot of people do. And they get the publicist, and they get all that stuff, and it becomes them. I think it's a stupid way to live your life. A really dumb way to live your life.

I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women.

That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the land, I want to put cabins around and have a place where people can write and hang out. It'll be either that or an all-black nudist colony.