Comedians Quotes

Comedians are people who embarrass themselves in style. ~ A.D. Posey

There are comedians that I like. I think a lot of it, you just figure out on your own. It's definitely one of those things that you get good at by doing it a lot. But I like Jim Gaffigan. Patton Oswalt. Janeane Garofalo. ~ Michael Showalter

I think the problems with comedians that are political, and there are some brilliant ones, are the ones that offer no solutions. Not that there's a moral obligation for a comic to fix things, but I like to see a comic that's upset about something and offer a solution. It can be a funny solution. I like to see the thought process. ~ Kyle Kinane

Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy. ~ Jim Gaffigan

Some comedians you work with, they only turn on when the camera turn on, and they're like sad-faced clowns when the camera's off. And then, they come alive when the camera come on. And you be like, "Oh, damn. You're not a depressed ball of depression, but you are actually funny." ~ Ice Cube

One of the problems I see with these comics on television, particularly cable television, is, since you can say anything in terms of sex and scatological references and so on, therefore, you should do it. So they all limit themselves to these subjects and this vocabulary. My objection is that it is a lack of articulateness. Irreverence is easy, but what is hard is wit. Wit is what these comedians lack. ~ Tom Lehrer

There are a couple of things I want to impart to ladies who want to be in comedy: One, you don't have to be weird or be quirky to get your job done. And two, comedy skill is not sexually transmittable. You do not have to sleep with a comedian to learn what you're doing. Male comedians will not like that advice, but it is the truth. ~ Tina Fey

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world. ~ Groucho Marx

Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters - all of whom are late night comedians. ~ Conan O'Brien

A lot of comedians are selfish. ~ J. B. Smoove

I was always funny, but I wasn't a great musician, and I wanted to be a musician way more than I wanted to be a comic. I just didn't think comedians were cool when I was a kid. ~ Greg Behrendt

It's also that comedians don't have the kind of narcissism that actors have. They're writers who perform their own material. It's more interesting. And they're sexy because they risk more. Stand-up comedians risk more than anyone. ~ Rachel Weisz

I have worked with a great many comedians as opposed to comics, although I have worked with comics as well, I make the distinction. ~ Bobby Darin

Comedians are really writers who don't have pens and pencils about them, but they riff. ~ Carl Reiner

There's so many variables in comedy. Comedy is not this thing that's a performance like a play. It's really an interaction with every single person in the room. And if there's a weirdness in the room for any people, be it something the comedians did at the top of the set or be it the mixture of the people isn't right, something can go awry. So it's really great to see you proven wrong about someone. ~ B. J. Porter

I don't think comedians take advantage of the fact that television and film are visual mediums. ~ Eric Andre

But I will say that most comedians are the saddest people I know. That is the biggest paradox to me. ~ Jean Reno

Tons of comedians have said, 'I grew up learning from Bill Cosby. He's great.' But that respect doesn't mean much to the young people. They like their ginger ale with hot sauce. ~ Bill Cosby

I really will never understand pushing back on comedians who are like, "I'm like a politician campaigning and shaking hands with these people. They're going to be okay." ~ Jen Kirkman

For generations comedians have made jokes about Scots-Irish in the South inter-breeding. "I am my own grandpa" and all that stuff; you know, because they all were marrying their first cousins. ~ Ishmael Reed

The women doing comedy do not even think of themselves as 'female' comedians. ~ Jen Kirkman

I don't consider myself a stand-up comedian. I consider myself a performer; a comic as opposed to stand-up comedian. Stand-up comedians stand there and do their bits; I break every rule in creation. If there's a rule that can be broken in stand-up, I'll do it. ~ J. B. Smoove

People want their actors to do comedy, too. They don't want any comedians next to the actor. They want one solo hero and want to see everything in him. ~ Akshay Kumar

It's up to comedians to shine the light on what's wrong in the world, and we don't want things swept under the rug. ~ Jeff Ross

I'm labeled a comedic actor, which is awesome. But I love getting the occasional dramatic role, too. Some of your best dramatic actors are ultimately comedians. ~ Jim O'Heir

Unfortunately, the show's success comes at the expense of its biggest asset
the comedians themselves. ~ Richard Pryor

Years ago, there was a variety theatre in every British town, and people paid to go down and see it. Comedy was the main part of the theatre, and comedians earned a living by being funny. Now you have comedy in television instead. Comedians now have to be funny within a play. ~ Norman Wisdom

Everybody tells jokes, but we still need comedians. ~ Jimmy Wales

I'd say Jon Stewart has remained funny the entire time. Jon always makes it funny first. And he's just, he's talking about serious things, but in a funny way. Other comedians will talk about serious things in a serious way, and then you don't know what's going on. ~ Norm MacDonald

Phyllis Diller came through a mine field of male comedians when she arrived on the comedy scene and she defused them all. She won her place in the Hall of Comedy as the First Lady. I will miss her. ~ Tim Conway

In 1987, I was in Edinburgh doing my first one-man show. I took part in a kickabout with some fellow comedians and tripped over my trousers and heard this cracking sound in my leg. A couple of days later I went into a coma and was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism. ~ Paul Merton

I'm attracted to working with comedians because they don't have that stars' idea of what a hero should be. The downside is they're always addressing the camera too much. ~ Michel Gondry

I guess ultimately a lot of comedians just wanna be taken seriously. ~ Will Ferrell

Comedians have to write to survive because you don't get cast for your beauty. ~ Sally Phillips

Many comedians are very proud of themselves for saying the things others are supposedly afraid to say. They are at the forefront of this culture of entitlement where we get to do anything, think anything, and say anything. ~ Roxane Gay

My preference is live performance. Because you get the feedback. There's an energy. It's live theater. That's why I think actors like that. You know, musicians need it, comedians definitely need it. It doesn't matter what size and what club, whether it's 30 people in the club or 2,000 in a hall or a theater. It's live, it's symbiotic, you need it. ~ Robin Williams

Some of the best ideas I've gotten for my act have come from comedians and not magicians. ~ Andrew Mayne

Outsiders develop humor as a defense; why do you think most comedians are gay or Jewish? ~ Paul Lynde

Comedy is something that I'm definitely looking to get into. I had a little taste of it and I do intend on going to classes for it because I think it's a different muscle, and it's hard to find female comedians. ~ Ashley Greene

Coming from the Midwest, I didn't know about stand-up as an art. I just thought stand-up comedians were old men in suits talking about their wives. ~ Natasha Leggero

I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians. ~ Patton Oswalt

It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians. ~ Wanda Sykes

The optimum frequency with which comedians should do a series is every year. I do one every three years. My audience is literally dying off. ~ Alexei Sayle

The Nazis have no sense of humor, so why should they want television? Anyhow, they killed most of the really great comedians. Because most of them were Jewish. In fact, she realized, they killed off most of the entertainment field. I wonder how Hope gets away with what he says. Of course, he has to broadcast from Canada. And it's a little freer up there. But Hope really says things. Like the joke about Goring . . . the one where Goring buys Rome and has it shipped to his mountain retreat and then set up again. And revives Christianity so his pet lions will have something to - ~ Philip K. Dick

I find my fans are really funny people. Most comedians can't say that about their fans. ~ Mike Birbiglia

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Comedians are always hitting the topical notes that are on everybody's minds. ~ Yakov Smirnoff

I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled. ~ Wendy Liebman

Comedians don't have a monopoly on suffering. But creative people are sometimes fortunate enough to be able to incorporate their most traumatic experiences into their art. ~ Matt Lucas

A lot of us [comedians] are drawn to the stage or show business or whatever because we didn't feel so great about ourselves, and we didn't know how to do anything about that, so we sought external approval. ~ Barry Crimmins

The young comedians always ask me, 'What's the secret for staying around?' I tell them, 'There is no secret - just stay around. Longevity is the most important thing.' ~ Don Rickles

I had a lot of bad jobs but the one big internship I had is I interned for 'SNL' when I was 21 years old and that was the joke. You intern there and you think man, I'm going to be with the writers and the great comedians. Then you're getting everybody sandwiches and then the doors close and then all the great creatives are doing the work. ~ Jake Johnson

I've found nothing but support and generosity from older comics. I think comedians are a lot nicer than the stigma is, at least from my experience. ~ Bo Burnham

No wonder all the great comedians had such destructive private lives ... After you get the audience into that kind of frenzy, and you are being worshiped like the false idol you are, how do you leave the stage and transition back into real life? ... What is there left to do but set yourself on fire? ~ Margaret Cho

I'm honored that other comedians like what I do. That means the world to me. But at the same time when I'm on stage I'm not just trying to make the comedians laugh - I'm also trying to make the audience laugh. I want to make everybody laugh. ~ Brian Regan

It's famous that comedians have a very dark personal state of mind. I think, in my case, it's the same. The only way to get deep is to have a balance, or a counterbalance. ~ Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu

I never felt like I was stealing anyone's fans as much as I was introducing some younger people to comedy who will eventually find tons of other comedians that they love. ~ Bo Burnham

I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits. ~ Donald Glover

I've been fortunate to work with good directors who understand improvisation and understand the way comedians work. Luke Basan let me do my thing like do what you feel and take the character to another level. Quentin Tarrantino was more of an acting coach. He can teach you beats and then hell say go with it but give this feeling. So I've been fortunate to work with good, seasoned directors. ~ Chris Tucker

I'm a big fan of comedians not having to apologize for anything. Nowadays it seems comedians are always apologizing for being funny. ~ Kevin Dillon

You are not any different. You can do anything you want. So many times, I've been asked what I think of women stand-ups. If you actually look around, there are so many female comedians starring in the biggest TV shows. ~ Lilly Singh

You shouldn't listen to us at all if you're looking for information. We don't take ourselves seriously on any level; we're just comedians. ~ Stephen Colbert

I want to invent a Laughometer, a device to measure and gauge humor, which would be used for comedians. And politicians. ~ Jarod Kintz

Comedians still make fun of Bill's out-of-control appetites, but with Hillary, the mockery is about how she lets nothing be out of control. ~ Rich Lowry

There's quite an overlap between musicians - especially drummers - who have an affection and a proclivity towards comedy and comedians who fantasize about being in a band. And a lot of comics play instruments. ~ David Cross

I often think it can often be very difficult for comedians to revisit the same gag. I think Russell's a bit more than a comedian. ~ Colin Firth

On one side you have book burners, Congressional wives and Pat Robertson. On the other side, you have vulgar comedians, foul-mouthed rap groups and Dennis Hopper - all your choices should be so easy. ~ Sandra Bernhard

Comrades, we are going to try to cheer you up, and our sense of humor will help us in this endeavor, although the phrase gallows humor has never seemed so logical and appropriate. The external circumstances are exactly in our favor. We need only to take a look at the barbed wire fences, so high and full of electricity. Just like your expectations.
And then there are the watchtowers that monitor our every move. The guards have machine guns. But machine guns won't intimidate us, comrades. They just have barrels of guns, whereas we are going to have barrels of laughs.
You may be surprised at how upbeat and cheerful we are. Well, comrades, there are goods reasons for this. It's been a long time since we were in Berlin. But every time we appeared there, we felt very uneasy. We were afraid we'd get sent to the concentration camps. Now that fear is gone. We're already here. ~ Rudolph Herzog

Comedians are the monkeys of acting. When you go to the zoo, everybody loves the monkey exhibit. ~ Tracy Morgan

I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes. ~ George Carlin

I always think everyone else is funnier than me. I look at other comedians and I say, 'I wish I was that good.' People think I'm funny, and I say, 'I'm not.' ~ Carrot Top

In terms of comedians, I loved, growing up, Jonathan Winters, Sid Caesar, Jackie Gleason, Phil Silvers, Carol Burnett, all those people. ~ Ed O'Neill

I've found, across the board, that comedians have been very respectful and kind to me. And that seems to stem from the fact that they are just respectful and kind people in general. Comedians get a bad rap for being dark and anti-social I think. ~ Bo Burnham

I'm friends with a lot of comedians, but we don't talk about material. Most comedians I know don't watch a lot of other comedy. ~ Bo Burnham

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer were a very notorious couple of cats.
As knockabout clowns, quick-change comedians,
Tight-rope walkers and acrobats
They had an extensive reputation.
[...]
When the family assembled for Sunday dinner,
With their minds made up that they wouldn't get thinner
On Argentine joint, potatoes and greens,
And the cook would appear from behind the scenes
And say in a voice that was broken with sorrow
"I'm afraid you must wait and have dinner tomorrow!
For the joint has gone from the oven like that!"
Then the family would say: "It's that horrible cat!
It was Mungojerrie – or Rumpleteazer!" -
And most of the time they left it at that.

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer had a wonderful way of working together.
And some of the time you would say it was luck
And some of the time you would say it was weather.
They would go through the house like a hurricane,
And no sober person could take his oath
Was it Mungojerrie – or Rumpleteazer?
Or could you have sworn that it mightn't be both?

And when you heard a dining room smash
Or up from the pantry there came a loud crash
Or down from the library came a loud ping
From a vase which was commonly said to be Ming
Then the family would say: "Now which was which cat?
It was Mungojerrie! And Rumpleteazer!"
And there's nothing at all to be done about that! ~ T.S. Eliot

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions. ~ Gilbert Gottfried

I was doing a show at the Comedy Store which Eddie Izzard saw, and we chatted for a bit afterwards. I didn't really know he was; we just hung out as comedians together, and when he heard my story, he said, 'Why don't you tell that on stage?' I didn't really want to burden people with all that, but he said that I could have fun with it. ~ Trevor Noah

Comedians act every night on stage, so they have great performing chops. They especially know how to play themselves, which is how we set Teachers Lounge up. ~ Ted Alexandro

I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I'm thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I've seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming. ~ Bill Burr

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine. ~ Artie Lange

But things never go according to plan. In fact, I think if you're really attached to controlling your future, you should plan for the opposite of what you want just to confuse the cosmic comedians whose sole job is to figure out what you think your future should hold so they can preclude it from ever happening. ~ Hollis Gillespie

Sometimes I dream of revolution, a bloody coup d'etat by the second rank - troupes of actors slaughtered by their understudies, magicians sawn in half by indefatigably smiling glamour girls, cricket teams wiped out by marauding bands of twelfth men - I dream of champions chopped down by rabbit-punching sparring partners while eternal bridesmaids turn and rape the bridegrooms over the sausage rolls and parliamentary private secretaries plant bombs in the Minister's Humber - comedians die on provincial stages, robbed of their feeds by mutely triumphant stooges - - and - march - - an army of assistants and deputies, the seconds-in-command, the runners-up, the right-handmen - storming the palace gates wherein the second son has already mounted the throne having committed regicide with a croquet-mallet - stand-ins ~ Tom Stoppard

There's comedians who I consider extremely punk rock who I've seen do very political stand up in places where nobody wants to hear that. It's uncomfortable and scary and you realize it's the punkest performance you've ever witnessed. ~ Kathleen Hanna

Comedians can articulate some important and profound ideas that address a lot of the hypocrisy we're inundated with (in the media). ~ Ted Alexandro

For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor. ~ Colin Quinn

I think the hard thing for young comedians is that the majority of the young people in the audience out there don't have the wide range of references. ~ John Cleese

This is the funniest book I've ever held in my hands.
Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical ~ Dave Barry

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital. ~ Demetri Martin

As far as stand-ups go, I always loved Richard Pryor, Chris Rock, and Sinbad. Basically, I love black comedians because they're the funniest. I wish I were a black comedian, actually. ~ Adam DeVine

If you like standup and decide that it's overtaking your life and want to hate it, watch 1,000 standup comedians who are trying to get on a TV show. ~ Adam DeVine

I think comedians get too much credit or too much criticism for the style of comedy they do, and they generally do the style of comedy that works for them. There's no kind of shrewd calculation going into the type of standup we all do. It's like David Cross is supposed to be doing the David Cross' type of standup. ~ Jim Gaffigan

I never wanted to churn it out. Comedians tend to work all the time. They never put it down like musicians who might make an album then take three or four years off to recharge their batteries. Comedians tend to work straight through and they get stale because of that. Even when I didn't have a lot of money I never ever did it unless I had something new to say. ~ Chris Rock

At one point when I was very young, when I was first starting out, I thought, 'Well, one day I'll be able to put all the music away and become a real comedian.' But then I realized there are amazing musical comedians out there, that musical comedy is probably something I'll always want to pursue. ~ Bo Burnham

Raven paced restlessly across the floor of the cabin, sending Jacques a little self-mocking smile. "I'm very good at waiting."
"I can see that," Jacques agreed dryly.
"Come on, Jacques" - Raven made the length of the room again, turned to face him - " don't you find this even a little bit nerve-racking?" He leaned lazily back in his chair, flashing a cocky grin.
"Being caged up with a beautiful lunatic, you mean?"
"Ha, ha, ha. Do all Carpathian males think they're stand-up comedians?"
"Just those of us with sisters-in-law who bounce off walls. I feel like I am watching a Ping-Pong ball. Settle down."
"Well, how long does something like this take? I thought he implied he'd be in and out of the hospital in two minutes, Jacques. What could have gone wrong? Mikhail was very upset."
"Mikhail did not actually say anything went wrong, did he?" Jacques asked, blankly innocent.
Raven's large blue-violet eyes settled on Jacques's face thoughtfully. Jacques squirmed under her suspicious, steady gaze. There was far too much intelligence in her enormous eyes to suit him. He held up a placating hand. "Now, Raven."
"Don't you now-Raven me. That brother of yours, worm that he is, male chauvinist unequaled in modern times, told you something he didn't tell me, didn't he?"
Leaning back with studied casualness, Jacques tipped his chair to a precarious angle and raised an eyebrow. "Women have vivid imaginations. I think you have a susp ~ Christine Feehan

I mean, all alternative comedy is are comedians that have being doing it for so long, for so long, that they were relaxed enough to start becoming personal on stage. ~ Patton Oswalt

Why are we casting all these stand-up comedians to do 'Breaking Bad,' one of the most dramatic TV shows ever? ~ Steven Michael Quezada

There's this misconception that comedy and music go together. They don't. Comedians can't compete with rock stars; they're just not on the same level. Rock stars will always be cooler. They will always get more girls. ~ Michael Ian Black

It seemed to me you could do anything in comics. So I started doing my thing, which is mainly influenced by novelists, stand-up comedians, that sort of thing. ~ Harvey Pekar

Comedians get jokes offered to them, rock stars get women and underwear thrown onstage, and I get guys that want to take me fishing. ~ Les Claypool

And I'm up while the dawn is breaking, even though my heart is aching. I should be drinking a toast to absent friends instead of these comedians. ~ Elvis Costello