Stand Up Comedian Quotes

I've loved the Internet space in terms of creative content control and ownership, the things I haven't had since I started as a stand-up comedian. ~ Kevin Pollak

Frank Fay turned into the most consistent stand-up comic of the late 1920s and essentially changed the art form. Crowds and critics eventually came to accept a man standing alone, cracking wise. No longer did Fay bill himself as a 'Nut Monologist. ~ Kliph Nesteroff

I don't consider myself a stand-up comedian. I consider myself a performer; a comic as opposed to stand-up comedian. Stand-up comedians stand there and do their bits; I break every rule in creation. If there's a rule that can be broken in stand-up, I'll do it. ~ J. B. Smoove

He hit the circuit in 1917 as 'Frank Fay, Nut Monologist,' and resistance was immediate. Variety critically stated, 'Fay needs a good straight man, as before, to feed his eccentric comedy.' A comedian standing alone onstage? Unheard of. Doesn't this guy know anything about showbiz? To stand still and tell jokes was a foreign move. To perform without some kind of gimmick was considered amateurish. ~ Kliph Nesteroff

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not. ~ Jon Stewart

And what is the reaction of the British politcal class? Well the Lib Dems, still think that the Euro is a success! I don't quiet think where Cleggy gets this from, I don't know. Prehaps he is cosidering an alternative career, as a stand up comedian, once he's out of politics. ~ Nigel Farage

I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled. ~ Wendy Liebman

Meal isn't over when I'm full. Meal's over when I hate myself. ~ Patton Oswalt

I started as a stand-up comedian. I wanted to be Carol Burnett when I was growing up. ~ Stephanie Miller

Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things you can say, "Can I yo-yo? Can I juggle?" Usually you have a pretty small window in which to get your answer. Stand-up is different. You can't do stand-up for one night and say, "Am I a funny stand-up comedian?" In two months or two years you'll start to realize it. ~ Demetri Martin

People expect comedy from me but I am not just a stand-up comedian anymore. I act on stage, host 'Jhalak Dikhhla Jaa' and also conduct interviews on my show. I have grown as a person and an artiste. ~ Kapil Sharma

To be No. 1 on the 'New York Times' best-seller list, well, that's alarming. Having been a stand-up comedian, I think it's surprising to a lot of people that I had the insight I had. ~ Steve Harvey

I spent 25 years as a stand-up comedian. ~ Steven Michael Quezada

I started performing as a stand-up comedian on my own in the mid-1990s. ~ Mark Billingham

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian. ~ Chris Tucker

Jesus was a brilliant Jewish stand-up comedian, a phenomenal improviser. His parables are great one-liners. ~ Camille Paglia

I tell people I'm a stand-up comedian two hours a week. The rest of the time, I'm somebody's husband, I'm somebody's father. I'm a man. I take great pride in that. ~ Steve Harvey

Comedians are the most ruthless critics in the world. ~ Amit Kalantri

Canadian comedians are generally more well-rounded ... They have to do a lot more. In order to have a career in this country, you have to do everything. And in the States you can narrow-cast, you can be just a sitcom performer or a stand-up comedian or a sketch performer. ~ Scott Thompson

I come from the stage. I started my career as a stand-up comedian and then later on became an actor. ~ Patrick Huard

The danger of having the military take over intelligence is that the military has a very different perspective on the world. ~ Pete Hoekstra

George Carlin was great right up to the end of his life. But Richard Pryor was probably the best, most gifted stand-up comedian who will ever live. ~ Denis Leary

I also could see myself as a stand-up comedian, a fashion designer (for people of all sizes), a hairdresser, an earnest and eventually burnt-out politician, or the owner of a small bistro. But I fear that, without poetry, I would have simply been going through the motions. ~ Denise Duhamel

You work with stand-up comedians or you work with somebody in theater, you work with somebody from 'Star Search' or 'Survivor' or a kid, it constantly changes how you play with people. ~ Steve Zahn

I do films which get me out of my comedian routine so that I don't get bored being a stand-up comedian. And with films, it's here today, gone tomorrow. So stand-up comedy is here to stay for me. ~ Vir Das

I wanted to do the comic strip. I tried to get it syndicated, and I sent some examples to a syndication company, and they sent me a rejection letter! I wasn't smart enough at the time to realize you shouldn't let rejection letters stop you. I thought that rejection letter meant I was not allowed to be a cartoonist in this world, so I put the rejection letter down and said, well, I'll be a stand-up comedian. ~ Brian Regan

I was a stand-up comedian for 10 years, if you can believe it. And I gave it up at age 22. ~ Samm Levine

I am trying to work out what my taste is, comedy-wise. I look up to stand up comedians who appear to be telling the truth, but I don't mind if they are lying. ~ Jessie Cave

Luckily, I'm not a stand-up comedian, so I don't get the fear of standing on stage in front of a dead audience: my humorous pieces have to make it past an editor before they get exposed to the public. ~ Charles Stross

Frank Fay [...] became renowned as the first of the great comic emcees - and in many minds the first stand-up comedian. ~ Kliph Nesteroff

The skill of a good actor is to make it always seem like you're in that fantastically spontaneous moment. Very often, a stand-up comedian has a different instinct, which is to reinvent. Once you've laid down some material, and made them laugh, you move on and find some new material. ~ Colin Firth

A stand-up comedian will never be the life of a party. Instead, he will be the guy who is standing at a corner and observing people. ~ Vir Das

I started out as a stand-up comedian. And that's what I'm most comfortable doing. ~ Eddie Murphy

I love stand-up comedians. I really do. ~ Jim Gaffigan

I took an acting class. After the first day, the teacher quit, so they said take another. When I saw 'How to be a Stand-up Comedian,' it resonated. I realized I'd rather make 200 people laugh than make one person cry. ~ Wendy Liebman

When it comes to English stand-up comedy, Indians have only seen the best - Jerry Seinfeld, Bill Cosby and the like. So, when someone claims to be an English stand-up comedian in India, he'd better be very good if he's going to make a life of it. ~ Vir Das

I'm best known as a stand-up comedian, but I'm a good actor in the right role. ~ Marcus Brigstocke

It takes a while to realize that just because you're a stand-up comedian and you do comedy, you're not going to be good at all comedy. ~ Jenny Slate

Whatever you want to do in the industry, do it on the smallest level at first. If you want to be a writer, write a screenplay in your house. If you want to be an actor, put on a one-man show. If you want to be a stand-up comedian, go to an open mic. ~ Ike Barinholtz

When you see a comedian on stage, the best comedians make it feel like a conversation. But it's not. We have very little interest in what an audience has to say during a performance. Being a stand-up comedian, you're an egomaniac to some degree. Everyone wants to hear what you have to say, apparently. That's not how real relationships work. ~ Hari Kondabolu

A stand-up comedian faces the audiences and gets their immediate feedback. I hide behind the comic strip, and unless people write to me, I don't know what they think. ~ Stephan Pastis

I wouldn't mind gigging around the same era as Jesus, after he gives his speech about the meek and how blessed they are and all that type of bullshit, going up there and doing a flat 20 [minutes]. I reckon I'd have better stagecraft and presence than Jesus. Yea, I'm a better stand-up comedian than Jesus, so I reckon I could go on after him. ~ Jim Jefferies

I knew Rita Hayworth only enough to know that she was just a tender, sensitive, beautiful human being. A lovely person. Very gentle. She would never stand up for her rights. ~ Kim Novak

Look, you know, you can't please everybody. I'm a stand-up comic. I know that. It doesn't matter how funny you are and how well you do, there's two people that are going to walk out of there hating you. ~ Billy Gardell

The way you hold the bow, the way that violinists are trained to produce a note, is really different. I'm not an expert in classical music. I don't want to say something that ends up in print and somebody comes running after me with a shovel, but they're taught for each note to stand alone in a very deliberate kind of way, which is really different than how notes are strung together in old-time music to create rhythm. ~ Bruce Molsky

That's the great thing about being in a band: it's a gang for people who are too wimpy to fight. You can create a gang and have an identity and fight for something and stand up for something just by making pop songs. They're my gang members and gang members are for life, and if you try and leave, we execute you. That's the way it goes. A simple bang, back of the head, into the river, and we keep moving on. ~ Torquil Campbell

I slowly dug a stand-up foxhole up to my neck using my helmet. I don't think any of us slept that night. It was the first time in my tour when I wasn't sure I would make it. I'm not ashamed to say I did a lot of thinking about home and a lot of praying to the man upstairs. ~ Lanny Starr

Then like a bird, he gingerly landed on a protruding rock inside the monstrous cavern. I looked up at the wet walls teaming with sea life and reeled back feeling like I was going to lose my balance when I felt him reach around and carefully lift me off. He placed me so I could stand on the rock in front of him. His strong arms wrapped tightly around me so I wouldn't fall. We stood in astonishment deafened by the noise of the waves hitting the reef all around us. The warmth of his chest radiated against me. I molded my body up against his, my heart erupting in a flutter that caused my legs to weaken.
"What do you think?" he whispered into my ear. I felt his hot breath against the side of my neck, which caused me to be light-headed as my heart raced even harder.
"Awesome," I whispered, which was all I could get out as I slinked into his chest a little bit more. ~ Brenda Pandos

This place where she worked certainly didn't make it look as if she continued to believe her calling was to change the course of American history. The building's rusted fire escape would just come down, just come loose from its moorings and crash onto the street, if anyone stepped on it - a fire escape whose function was not to save lives in the event of a fire but to uselessly hang there testifying to the immense loneliness inherent to living. For him it was stripped of any other meaning - no meaning could make better use of that building. Yes, alone we are, deeply alone, and always, in store for us, a layer of loneliness even deeper. There is nothing we can do to dispose of that. No, loneliness shouldn't surprise us, as astonishing to experience it as it may be. You can try turning yourself inside out, but all you are then is inside out and lonely instead of inside in and lonely. My stupid, stupid Merry dear, stupider even than your stupid father, not even blowing up buildings helps. It's lonely if there are buildings and it's lonely if there are no buildings. There is no protest to be lodged against loneliness - not all the bombing campaigns in history have made a dent in it. The most lethat of manmade explosives can't touch it. Stand in awe not of Communism, my idiot child, but of ordinary, everyday loneliness. On May Day go out and march with your friends to its greater glory, the superpower of superpowers, the force that overwhelms all. Put your money on it, bet on it, ~ Philip Roth

If a Korean artist reaches to the top, we're all ready to stand up and applaud for him or her. ~ Psy

You can get stuck in the trap of reading your YouTube comments all the time. Sometimes I regret it. Not everyone is going to love you. And for some reason, stand-up has this thing where everyone thinks they can do it. So everyone thinks they're an expert. ~ Kumail Nanjiani

I think that people want to go to the movies and watch shows on TV or in theaters that make them feel good and music really does that. Not only can you watch something and connect to dialogue, but when you listen to a song, it gives a whole other element of connection and you get that feeling like you want to stand up and dance and sing. ~ Brittany Snow

If I were to just focus on stand-up, I could actually, paradoxically enough, be home way more, because I would leave on a Friday, go do a couple theaters Friday, Saturday, maybe Sunday, come home. ~ Patton Oswalt

Follow the path of the unsafe, independent thinker. Expose your ideas to the dangers of controversy. Speak your mind and fear less the label of 'crackpot' than the stigma of conformity. And on issues that seem important to you, stand up and be counted at any cost. ~ Thomas J. Watson Jr.

Hey, man, I toss a stick for a living. Gotta spice up that deal, y'know. Gotta stand out. ~ Breaux Greer

Closing your eyes isn't going to change anything. Nothing's going to disappear just because you can't see what's going on. In fact, things will even be worse the next time you open your eyes. That's the kind of world we live in. Keep your eyes wide open. Only a coward closes his eyes. Closing your eyes and plugging up your ears won't make time stand still. ~ Haruki Murakami

There was never anybody before you," she said. "I just wanted to say that. And when I did what I do, and it opened a crack in me like it did last night, there was nobody there to hold on to me. I didn't want anyone to hold on to me. Until you. And I got through and I got by, and it was okay. But I think, maybe, if I'd just kept getting through and getting by, I'd have come to a point where I couldn't do it anymore. And if I couldn't do it anymore, it'd be the end of me, Roarke. So when you hold on to me, You're helping me stand up, one more time. And the dead, you're standing for them, too. I just wanted to say that." She went out quickly, and left him staring at her. ~ J.D. Robb

I dreamt of Curran snarling "Fix her!" And Doolittle saying that he wasn't a god and there was only so much he could do. I dreamt of Julie crying by my bed, of Jim sitting near, of Andrea telling me some frustratingly complicated story . . . The noises blended in my head until finally I could stand it no longer. "Would all of you just be quiet? Please."
I blinked and saw Curran's face.
"Hey," he said.
"Hey." I smiled. There he was, alive. I was alive. "I was telling the people in my head to shut up."
"They have medication for that."
"I probably can't afford it."
He caressed my cheek.
"You came for me," I whispered.
"Always," he told me.
"You're a damn idiot. Trying to throw your life away?"
"Just staying sharp. Keeping you safe keeps me in shape."
He leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips. I reached for him and he hugged me to him and held on for a long moment. I closed my eyes, smiling at the simple pleasure of his skin on mine. ~ Ilona Andrews

He's been hung up on a one-night-stand he had five years ago with a girl that smelled like Cocoa Puffs. ~ Tara Sivec

[M]ost Americans are still drawing some water from the Christian well. But a growing number are inventing their own versions of what Christianity means, abandoning the nuances of traditional theology in favor of religions that stroke their egos and indulge or even celebrate their worst impulses. . . .
Both doubters and believers stand to lose if religion in the age of heresy turns out to be complicit in our fragmented communities, our collapsing families, our political polarization, and our weakened social ties. Both doubters and believers will inevitably suffer from a religious culture that supplies more moral license than moral correction, more self-satisfaction than self-examination, more comfort than chastisement. . . .
Many of the overlapping crises in American life . . . can be traced to the impulse to emphasize one particular element of traditional Christianity - one insight, one doctrine, one teaching or tradition - at the expense of all the others. The goal is always progress: a belief system that's simpler or more reasonable, more authentic or more up-to-date. Yet the results often vindicate the older Christian synthesis. Heresy sets out to be simpler and more appealing and more rational, but it often ends up being more extreme. . . .
The boast of Christian orthodoxy . . . has always been its fidelity to the whole of Jesus. Its dogmas and definitions seek to encompass the seeming contradictions in the gospel narratives rather than evading them. . . .< ~ Ross Douthat

We prefer to find an explanation for why things are not perfect, and these rarely stand up to close scrutiny. ~ Charlie Campbell

I'll give you some life advice," I said. "The first piece is: Listen and listen intently when you're being spoken to about something. The second: Take the high road. When presented with frustration or anger or discontentment with a situation or a person, don't reduce yourself to that level. Don't get into a conflict in that moment. You'll feel better about yourself for it." Well, to my surprise, this created a near frenzy in the room. The students were aghast. I was surprised by the reaction, so I said: "Tell me more about why that seems like bad advice to you." "I believe I should stand up for myself!" said one student. "I'm not saying you shouldn't stand up for yourself," I said. "I'm just saying, in the heat of the moment, walk away from it. ~ Tim Gunn

The more conscious I was of all the good and of all this "beautiful and lofty," the deeper I kept sinking into my mire, and the more capable I was of getting completely stuck in it. But the main feature was that this was all in me not as if by chance, but as if it had to be so. As if it were my most normal condition and in no way a sickness or a blight, so that finally I lost any wish to struggle against this blight. I ended up almost believing (and maybe indeed believing) that this perhaps was my normal condition. But at first, in the beginning, how much torment I endured in this struggle! I did not believe that such things happened to others, and therefore kept it to myself all my life as a secret. I was ashamed (maybe I am ashamed even now); it reached the point with me where I would feel some secret, abnormal, mean little pleasure in returning to my corner on some nasty Petersburg night and being highly conscious of having once again done a nasty thing that day, and again that what had been done could in no way be undone, and I would gnaw, gnaw at myself with my teeth, inwardly, secretly, tear and suck at myself until the bitterness finally turned into some shameful, accursed sweetness, and finally-into a decided, serious pleasure! Yes, a pleasure, a pleasure! I stand upon it. The reason I've begun to speak is that I keep wanting to find out for certain: do other people have such pleasures? I'll explain it to you: the pleasure here lay precisely in the too vivid conscious ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I've always enjoyed hiding behind these characters. It's a strange thing, you're more comfortable as a character than you are in life. I could stand up in front of, it doesn't matter how many people, as a character. But if I had to do it as myself and give a speech, I would be liquid. ~ Johnny Depp

Another bug hunt, boys. This one is a little different, as you know. Since they still hold prisoners of ours, we can't use a nova bomb on Klendathu --- so this time we go down, stand on it, hold it, take it away from them. The boat won't be down to retrieve us, instead it'll fetch more ammo and rations. If you're taken prisoner, keep your chin up and follow the rules --- because you've got the whole outfit behind you, you've got the whole Federation behind you; we'll come and get you. That's what the boys from the Swamp Fox and the Montgomery have been depending on. Those who are still alive are waiting, knowing that we will show up. And here we are. Now we go get 'em. ~ Robert A. Heinlein

A young girl, a frailty, simple and true, who had been unable to stand up from the piano and had had to be carried; a girl half his age; a girl who could not shoot a gun, had never been in an oyster house, atop a tower, or under the wharves; a girl hotter always than noon in August; a girl who knew nothing; had thrown him so hard that he would be out of breath forever. ~ Mark Helprin

You really have the nerve to stand there and ask me that?" When he didn't respond, I practically growled as I took a step towards him. "You blow so hot and cold with me that I'm not sure which way is up. It's a wonder I don't need a chiropractor from your emotional whiplash. One minute you're telling me you want a girl like me to be interested in you and the next you're coyly asking how I feel about Garrett." Finally toe to toe, I glared up at him. "You're really good at charming the panties off girls at ten paces, but you can't even tell a girl how you really feel when she's up close and personal! ~ Katie Ashley

At your young age, you stand up for Truth and use your conscience to see that justice always prevails, even if it leads to grueling consequences or personal sacrifices. You never fail to use your heart. Again, your heart is your key to immortality. Keep a good heart and all that is anything and everything will remember you," said the Sphinx. ~ Suzy Kassem

If a guy as good and decent with as much grace as Chuck Heston can stand up for an issue that I think is very important ... then I certainly could stand up and I plan on remaining a life member for life. ~ Tom Selleck

There must be a limit to that kind of lifestyle, though," she says. "You can't use that strength as a protective wall around you. There's always going to be something stronger that can overcome your fortress. At least in principle."
"Strength itself becomes your morality."
"You catch on quickly."
"The strength I'm looking for isn't the kind where you win or lose. I'm not after a wall that'll repel power coming from outside. What I want is the kind of strength to be able to absorb that outside power, to stand up to it. The strength to quietly endure things - unfairness, misfortune, sadness, mistakes, misunderstandings."
"That's got to be the most difficult strength of all to make your own."
"I know… ~ Haruki Murakami

When I was 14, I told my mother I was going to drop out of high school and go do stand-up comedy. All she said was 'Oh maybe it's better if you just die,' because it was killing her that I was doing this. ~ Margaret Cho

A powerful woman chooses to stand up, even when people may have chosen to bring her down. ~ Gift Gugu Mona

I can't sleep," he says so quietly that only I can hear. "I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I can't sleep."
"Nor I."
"You neither?"
"No."
"Truly?"
"Yes."
He sighs a deep sigh, as if he is relieved. "Is this love then?"
"I suppose so."
"I can't eat."
"No."
"I can't think of anything but you. I can't go on another moment like this; I can't ride out into battle like this. I am as foolish as a boy. I am mad for you, like a boy. I cannot be without you; I will not be
without you. Whatever it costs me."
I can feel my color rising like heat in my cheeks, and for the first time in days I can feel myself smile. "I can't think of anything but you," I whisper. "Nothing. I thought I was sick."
The ring like a crown is heavy in my pocket, my headdress is pulling at my hair; but I stand without awareness, seeing nothing but him, feeling nothing but his warm breath on my cheek and scenting
the smell of his horse, the leather of his saddle, and the smell of him: spices, rosewater, sweat.
"I am mad for you," he says.
I feel my smile turn up my lips as I look into his face at last. "And I for you," I say quietly. "Truly. ~ Philippa Gregory

But you could've at least told me. Instead of dropping me like a one night stand, you could've had the decency to break up with me instead of leaving me wondering for years ... ~ Gayle Forman

There's no use asking Mom and Dad to talk to Nana about her punishment. They won't stand up to her. They never do. This is why I decide I am not going to speak to Nana or Papa or my parents. What Leila and I did was wrong. But now I have been put in the middle of something else entirely. Something about Adam and the adults and things that happened before I was born, maybe even before Adam and Uncle Hayden and Mom were born.
~pgs 144-145; Hattie on adulthood ~ Ann M. Martin

The calling that has been thrust upon you is likewise as demanding and daunting. I understand how you feel, believe me. But we need you, Eena. I would say I'm sorry, but……honestly I'd have no other woman take your place. You are exactly what we need. And yes, it does require a great deal of sacrifice, but you don't have to bear these burdens alone. We are all here to help you. And believe me there isn't one of us who wouldn't give his last breath to defend yours so you might go on to heal Harrowbeth. Don't block us out. Don't think you have to stand alone. Please wake up and know that I understand. And I promise I won't say, 'I told you so.'"

The room fell quiet. Eena didn't move. Derian could see how her breathing continued smoothly in and out just as before.

"I'll give you some chocolate if you wake up." It was a last-ditch effort. "I've got plenty of it, and I don't care for the stuff. ~ Richelle E. Goodrich

Then he heard a wild, high-pitched cackling that made the hair stand up on the back of his neck. It wasn't sane, that laugh. In fact, it was the laughter of someone who never had more than a nodding acquaintance with sanity. ~ Mercedes Lackey

Sometimes I think it's easier to stand up to the whole school
or the whole world even
than it is to stand up to one person, especially if that person really matters to you. ~ James Howe

No country should deny people their rights because of who they love, which is why we must stand up for the rights of gays and lesbians everywhere. ~ Barack Obama