Jim Gaffigan Quotes

I'm convinced that anyone who doesn't like Mexican food is a psychopath.

I just want to be known as funny.

It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'

I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.

When I'm with all my little ones, people with grown or teenage children always tell me, "You're going to miss this." I have to assume they are talking about my children being young and not the conversation I'm having with them, because I am not going to miss people giving me advice about children.

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.

I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.

Personally, I think that the concept of an old white guy with a beard in a red coat coming down a chimney in the middle of the night or a fairy with a tooth fetish sliding things under my pillow while I sleep would be way freakier, but no, for kids it's monsters. Monsters

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they've never been to sleep before. "Bed? What's that? No, I'm not doing that." They never want to go to bed. This is another thing that I will never have in common with my children. Every morning when I wake up, my first thought is, "When can I come back here?" It's the carrot that keeps me motivated. Sometimes going to bed feels like the highlight of my day. Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you can expect at least an hour of inmates clanging their tin cups on the cell bars.

Without Valentine's Day, February would be ... well, January.

Well, since you've come into my life, you've been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane.

I love the impatience of New York ... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ... You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.

There is cheese from just about every country in the world except China. No cheese from China? Maybe tofu is Chinese cheese. No wonder there was a cultural revolution.

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.

You can't complain around a pregnant woman. I know that because I've lived with one for eight years. Every one of the man's problems is insignificant on a relative basis. HUSBAND: I'm tired. PREGNANT WOMAN: Oh, really? I'm growing a human being. HUSBAND: I have so much work to do. PREGNANT WOMAN: Oh, really? I have to push a baby with your head size out of my body. HUSBAND: I'm going to stand in the corner for the next nine months.

Other times, we dads are presented as the "enforcer" Vice President, the Dick Cheney.

You are not only waking up sleep deprived, but now you are also sleep deprived and in charge of another human being.

The owner of Papa John's may not be the best pitchman, but he's the worst at acting. Papa John's commercials actually make me yearn for a Men's Wearhouse commercial.

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.

I don't mean to brag or anything, but I'm preparing for a very big role. Sure, it's a cinnamon roll, but I don't want to look like I can't finish it. Or spell it.

The question is the primary form of communication for little kids.

When I was ten years old I was actually given McDonald's gift certificates for Christmas by my mom. Yes, my own mother. I guess she couldn't find gift certificates for a vending machine. I like to think it was her way of saying, "Merry Christmas. Here are some coupons for poison." McDonald's introduced the gift certificate prior to the obesity epidemic. I'm not saying that McDonald's gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.

I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'

I'd been acting and doing stand-up in New York about eight years, getting rejected, and I finally got the opportunity to do stand-up on Letterman, which holds even more importance for me. With comedians, that's definitely the pinnacle, but being from Indiana, it was a big to-do.

"Entertainers Of Faith," funnyman Jim Gaffigan isn't ashamed of his Catholicism. He's seen here leaving a New York comedy club with his Bible in hand.

Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.

Each city in the southeastern part of the United States has its own unique type of specialty food that can be only found in that city, and it all happens to be called 'barbecue'.

Faith is something that's - it's hard to articulate. It's - there's - it's not based on logic.

He's not going to sell any of those caps. He should just let the monkeys keep them. They are the only ones that want them anyway.

You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent."

Let me be clear. I love all animals. I love to pet them. I love to eat them.

Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the other children will scream and run in the hallway of the hotel.

Believe me, once you lose a kid in a New York City park, atheist or not, you start talking to God right away.

I don't want to get involved in the culture war. Religion's iffy.

George Washington ordered his Thai food on a laptop? Of course not. He called on the phone and dealt with the person who didn't speak English because he was a patriot.

I was the youngest of the six kids, and to make my older siblings laugh, that was very important. I did a great impression of our dad that made them all laugh, so that gave me a lot of power within the family.

I am somebody who - my path to my faith is very kind of individual, and I don't want to be lumped into the category of those Westboro Baptists.

Now that I am a father myself, I know that powerlessness is the defining characteristic of fatherhood. This begins with the pregnancy. Men spend their whole lives being active. We evolved as hunters. "Me get job, me get girl, me get girl pregnant. Now me shut mouth and wait for girl to tell me what to do." As expectant fathers, we become silent spectators. Passive participants in a series of external events over which we have zero control.

When people in other parts of the world hear the term "food fast," they envision a time of spiritual and physical cleansing. I hear "food fast" and I envision a drive-thru.

For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.

I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.

If steak is the tuxedo of meat, and bacon is the candy of meat, then a good cheeseburger is the mother's hug of meat.

Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

You ever talk to an old person? I mean a really, really old person. They always have this exhausted look on their face that says, I can't believe I'm still here! I would've eaten so much more ice cream. Why did I ever consume kale?

There was a time when I was thin. Sure, I was six years old, but I'm confident I can get back into those clothes. Actually,

There are a lot of good looking men on this planet. It seems like once a week someone will tell me, "I know someone who looks like you" and I don't know what say to them except, "Tell them hi."

Once your baby starts to walk you'll realize why cribs are designed like prisons from the early 1900s. This is clearly because toddlers are a danger to themselves. The main responsibility for a parent of a toddler is to stop them from accidentally hurting or killing themselves.

I think what Pope Francis is saying is that nobody's perfect, you know? And so someone like Joe Biden, you know, where - you know, when he was running for president, people were - there were some bishops that were like don't let him have the Eucharist. And Pope Francis is saying that's not the point of this.

The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?

I definitely write about things that are universal, that everyone can identify with. You're supposed to write about things you're passionate about and I guess I am a foodie. I do love food and it's kind of like I'm an eccentric observationalist guy. To make it kind of universal, I try a lot of different things. When I first started writing this, I was like, 'No food.' Then, you know, it just always goes there.

Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.

The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system.

The idea of having a large family, I definitely had a romantic notion of it.

Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.

Don't take this the wrong way but I care more and I'm a better online friend than you. I also spend way to much time online.

Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod."

I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call "indoorsy" ... My wife always brings up, "Camping's a tradition in my family." Hey, it was a tradition in everyone's family 'til we came up with the house.

There's an old Weight Watchers saying: "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I for one can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels. Many of them are two-word phrases that end with cheese (Cheddar cheese, blue cheese, grilled cheese). Even unsalted French fries taste better than thin feels. Ever eat fries without salt on them? I always think, These could use some salt, but that would mean I'd have to get up and move. I guess I'll just imagine there's salt on them.

A woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male's contribution to life, it's kind of embarrassing, really. The father is always like, Hey, I helped, too. For like five seconds.

We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, "Well, at least I am not as weird as you," and I am thinking, "Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin," and the people in the loony bin are thinking, "Well, at least I am an orange".

I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.

I like to think of bread as really bland cake.

Fat people know the consequences of eating, but if the food is good enough, they just don't care.

I didn't think that it's something that would happen. I didn't think I would be in the position, emotionally or financially, to be able to do that. But I've been lucky [to have big family].

Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?

Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.

I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

I can't stop eating. I can't. I haven't been hungry in twelve years.

You want to be there for emotional support, yet everything you say or do ends up irritating the mother-to-be while she is in labor.

I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

My wife likes to pause before the meals with our kids and say grace. While I think this is a great opportunity for our children to learn to appreciate the gifts that God has given them, I view grace as kind of the "On your mark, get set ... " and the "Amen" as the "Go!" I am pretty sure that's the way God intended it.

If you ever mention something fun that you are going to do with your young children, and there is any time that will elapse between the very moment you bring it up and when you are actually doing the fun thing, you will be batraged with questions during that entire time period. If you tell them that you might go to Disney at some point in the coming year, you have opened a Pandora's box.

Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.

I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I'm probably somebody who is more devout.

Culturally we cherish a pregnant woman ... We say "Congratulations" when we see a pregnant woman, but there is usually an element of scandal associated with it. Pregnant women are either too young or too old, or it's too soon after another pregnancy, or she's going to get in trouble at work. She's too poor, too rich, too successful, too skinny, too fat, too crazy, too busy too single, too married, too too.

When a thin person announces, "Here's a great taco place," I kind of shut down a little. How do they know it's so great? From smelling the tacos? If they only ate one taco, the taco could not have been that great.

You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."

Since Jeannie is a big believer in attachment parenting and I'm a spineless coward, we have instituted an open-door policy, meaning if one of our kids has a nightmare, they are welcome to come in our room and pee in our bed. Luckily this only happens every night.

I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back in the late '90s, I think. You had to remove the curse words, or you couldn't do some of the more explicit jokes.

You're shopping, you're cooking, you're getting together with family, you're eating food that's bad for you, you're eating more food that's bad for you, and of course you're eating food that's bad for you. Holidays are also an opportunity for

Fortune cookies are an American invention, and we gave it to them. The Chinese were probably like, "Uh, we don't want it." And we were like, "It's now part of your ethnic identity.

Whatever a writer gets paid for his book, it's never enough. I think that's true. It's hard work. But in the end, you wrote a book. It's something real and tangible that sits on a shelf forever.

In the end, that's what most vacations are. Just you eating in a place you've never been. Why don't we eat something, then we'll go get something to eat? Then we should see that thing we're supposed to see; they probably have a snack bar, so we can get something to eat. But after that, we definitely gotta go out and get something to eat.

I don't want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some - be humorous about the human experience, you know, whether they're people of any stripes of life.

Yeah, I am a character actor.

I wouldn't trust them skinnies with food advice.

I smoke crack. I get all my dancers together and we do a prayer.

How'd we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'