Tim Conway Quotes

When I watch TV, I'm embarrassed by some of what's on.

When you're small, you either are funny, or you get beat up a lot.

Don Knotts was a really big influence, especially on the Steve Allen show. I mean, look at the guy, his entire life is in his face.

My career is pretty much over. I'm out in the Valley eating soft-boiled eggs.

I think there are a lot of things out there that are humorous that people don't realize until you actually show them what is going on. Saran Wrap for one thing. You know, you could pull enough of that out of the box and it will actually kill you. It will get a hold of you, stick to you, and choke you to death.

Actually, we've done 75 of these shows and every one of them has sold out. But then we buy all the tickets.

There's a mindset in other countries that if you're an American, you're a Christian. Well, those people are sadly misled; they don't know our country. Our country is wicked, and the Christians are few. Just like they're few in other countries, they're few here. There may be many churches and there may be church buildings on every street corner and every corner in our cities across this country, but the true Christians are few.

If following Christ has never cost you anything, you're not following Him.

It's hard to be sad when you're laughing, so I enjoy making people happy.

Harvey never had an original idea or thought in his life. I was out wandering around the country doing charity benefits, mainly, when I asked him to come along.

The majority of what calls itself Christianity today is a circus. You've got a bunch of people chasing health, wealth, prosperity; chasing a good time, chasing the social club, chasing where the action's happening, chasing the good music and the good times. But few people are out there chasing God, and truly going hard after Him, and truly making the sacrifices in their life and cleaning their hands in such a way and working to have a pure heart that they might actually ascend that hill of the Lord and they might actually commune with God in a way that few people do and few people know about.

I spend a lot of time thinking of the Hereafter - each time I enter a room I wonder what I'm here after.

At first I wanted to be a jockey. I rode horses in Cleveland but I kept falling off and I was afraid of horses. So there wasn't much of a future in it.

People who come along all the time and they ask, 'What's wrong with this?' In other words, they're always wondering how close to the edge they can getand still be a Christian. Listen, if any of you are like that, just go back to the world. Stop testing the edges. If it's the world you want, go back to it! And if you want to love Christ, then love Christ, and love Him with all your heart, and follow Him, and stop playing this idiotic game where you want to see how close to the edge you can live.

If I wouldn't offend my religion or God, why would I want to offend an audience because in effect those people are being watched over by the same person.

Nowadays they have 12 directors and 15 producers and 30 writers. And all the writers want their lines said a certain way-which isn't necessarily funny. I mean the lines aren't necessarily so funny to begin with.

People enjoy sitting back knowing they won't hear a lot of four-letter words.

You can't TV surf without coming across an Andy of Mayberry episode where you've just got to watch Don as Barney. That's why I put Don in several of my movies.

I have a lot of awards in my house that I have absolutely no idea what they are for.

A lot of people like to live on laurels that happened 20 or 30 years ago, but it's nice to get awards. It's nice to be labeled and things like that, but I'm not sure everybody qualifies.

I can remember one time a guy told me, a guy that preached, he claimed to be a preacher, he claimed to be called of God-I asked him about his prayer life one day. He said, 'Yeah, I pray; I pray when I'm brushing my teeth.' I knew immediately that man was not called of God to stand in a pulpit. Every church he's tried to plant has been a failure. He is not a God-called man.

The reason 'The Carol Burnett Show' did so well in the ratings is because people were looking for that comfort zone when the whole family sat around and watched television and enjoyed it.

I like to work a lot with wood. I make furniture that falls apart. I also sew.

I would get ill before going onstage - something about getting in front of people, and if they don't laugh, I'm a bomb. I got over it when somebody laughed.

I figure you're only here for a matter of moments. Ever since I was a kid watching movies I've always wanted to make people laugh or have some sort of emotional reaction.

Phyllis Diller came through a mine field of male comedians when she arrived on the comedy scene and she defused them all. She won her place in the Hall of Comedy as the First Lady. I will miss her.

We kept a broad audience, and we didn't make fun of people who had necessarily made mistakes in their life and burned them to the ground. We made fun of a commercial or a movie or ourselves.

I resent my barber when he charges the full cost after he cuts my hair, but he says he's charging me for finding it.

I've known Harvey for over 40 years and I worked with him on the Burnett show for 11 years. I guess you could say we're about as close as you can get to being a comedy team.

If only my folks had beaten me, I could have gotten some material about my miserable childhood. But as it is, I've had a great life.