Gilbert Gottfried Quotes

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

You can say "ass," but you can't say "asshole." That's why I always cringe when a character in a TV show refers to someone as an "ass." Unless you're British, calling someone an ass really doesn't work. But those are the rules of television. You can be a dirtbag, but not a scumbag.

I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.

I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley.

If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

One pleasant surprise was when I interviewed Butch Patrick. I was expecting this bitter old drunk, and instead he had a total sense of humor about his career and his drinking and drug problem.

I remember being at the premiere of 'Beverly Hills Cop II' and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party at a hotel afterwards where the speakers were blasting 'Shakedown,' a song from the movie. That felt like a show biz moment to me.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it's laughing. Nowadays, we would say, 'How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.'

I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.

Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.

There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.

I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, 'They'll be another one floating by any minute now.'

I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.

I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.

I'm one of those people, in any country I'm in, if somebody could just put me in a car or a bus, I'll look out the window and say, 'OK, there's the Tower of London, there's Buckingham Palace, there's Big Ben,' and if it all takes about five minutes, perfect. I've seen all of it and I can go home.

If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever.

Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.

What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.

I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

My family originally lived in Brooklyn. Our first apartment was a little place above my father and uncle's hardware store in Coney Island. Now, don't get the impression that we were surrounded by merry-go-rounds, roller coasters and Ferris wheels. Nope, this was a little side street.

I've never understood people who say they're not a practicing Jew. You never hear a black guy say he's not a practicing African-American. What does it even mean?

With Katrina, it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow as a big event it doesn't seem to carry as much weight with the public as 9/11 did.

I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.

With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.

Back when Jerry Seinfeld was just another comedian hanging around the clubs, I'd imitate him to amuse myself and the other comics. The club owners would say, 'What are you doing that for? Nobody knows him.'

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.

Nothing can help my comedy.

I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.'

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.'

Well, I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.

In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.

If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue.

If you're anything like me, I feel sorry for your friends and family.

Universal Pictures presents the Georgie Jessel Story. Ted Bessell is Georgie Jessel. Ted Bessell leads an all-star cast of Ted Bessell, Joey Bishop, Jacqueline Bisset, Whit Bissell and Joe Besser. Besser, Bissell, Bissett, Bishop and Bessell. The New York Times says, 'Bessell is Jessel". The Jewish Press says, 'We like Bessell, but only a bissel.

I guess if they ever do a remake of 'Sophie's Choice,' I could play the Meryl Streep part. I've got to work on my Polish accent. Maybe I'll be the definitive King Lear one day. You know, if they ever feel that King Lear should be more Jewy.

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.

I found out about Jonathan Winters' death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The world knew about Kim Kardashian's divorce before she did.

I'm known for my slightly inappropriate remarks.

Note to goyim readers: not every Jew who grew up in Brooklyn was rich. And as long as I'm on it, here's another note: fuck you. That's all. Whether or not you assumed we were rich, if you're a goyim, fuck you. But keep reading, and tell your friends to buy the book.

At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck.

One thing I can take credit for, along with the rest of show business, is when the red ribbons were out, we cured AIDS. Any advancements that came towards fighting AIDS were not done by scientists or doctors - it was people with little ribbons on their lapels.

With me, traveling for work is arriving at the airport, checking into the hotel, leaving the hotel the next morning at 4 or 5 to do something like 'The Jimmy and Jackie Captain Crazy Morning Zoo,' doing a bunch of those in a row, then going back to the hotel, and then finally going to the club.