Jarod Kintz Quotes

A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I'm sorry to have to tell you I'm sorry, but that's life, you know?

With my career I want to either make something or make an impact. Writers both make something, and make an impact.

I may have written this before, but I may not have written it as well, so I'll write it again.

I am the leprechaun I rainbow into being. Buy me a beer, and get to know my inner midget.

The bad news is the butcher's dead. The good news is there'll be no need for a funeral, and I've got enough meat to last for weeks.

The important issues, once you've taken them on, you can't take them off. What do you think they are, panties?

How do you know you are who you are? How do you know you're not simply a clone of who you think you are?

After being videotaped, I found that I talk a lot with my hands. Especially if my hands are covered with socks. I guess I get really nervous on first dates.

I can't throw away cologne because that is Nostalgia in a Bottle, the scent of yesterday, and it reminds me of her more clearly than her picture.

I type as fast as a ten-legged man who just had eight legs chopped off runs.

If I can't see the bottom, I don't know how much is left. Why does my love have to be so thick? I suppose because it keeps the engine of your heart running smooth.

A blanket could be used to find the Brick of Truth. Many lies will be layered on the Brick of Truth to try to cover it up, but the blanket will cover up all the lies, thus covering up the cover up and thereby revealing the Brick of Truth. And don't try to steal the covers, because the blanket will only provide warmth to the Brick of Truth.

I walked to work. I paced up and down the bus looking for a seat. Next time I walk to work I'm getting on my treadmill.

A brick has eight edges and six sides. That's nearly as many sides as a politician takes when discussing a binary issue.

If love came in a cardboard tube, I'd probably send it priority mail. But I'd make you pay for shipping.

Question for your life: If love covered as much of the earth's surface as the oceans, would you still urinate in your wetsuit?

You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to read the body language that people's homes present.

I have a photographic memory. Especially for nudes.

The perfect vehicle to take to the moon would be a two-door Saturn with a sunroof.

I like spending all my time making things with my hands. Mostly I make love to myself.

I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to three months to hear back. I got rejected immediately.

I bought a bag of chips at the store, and the cashier asked if I wanted a bag. I said, No thanks. It already comes with a bag.

If a cold breeze signifies a ghost, then the arctic must be really haunted. I'm going there next week, because I've got to look everywhere when searching for the love of my life.

Most writers might as well write in invisible ink, because if what they're writing is forgettable, it might as well be invisible too.

Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat. Grandpa said all they ever talked about was grass, but I know Grandpa used to do a little flirting, too.

Apart from naked, nude is the best way to answer the door. I hope the pizza guy loved my big tip.

The couch was green, so I felt comfortable wiping my boogers on it. I just wish it had been brown.

I had a dream about you. You were a lone candle on a barren vanilla cake, and I was the mighty breath sent to extinguish your light. I felt like God's wrath coming down to destroy the Illuminati, while you probably thought I was the Satan coming to snuff out the light of the world. And the spectators who were gathered around the spectacle probably thought it was all one big party, as they stood still like mindless zombies singing "Happy Birthday."

My name is my reputation. And all I have in this world is my name. Well, and my penis, which shoots out millions of other names.

Is something art just because a museum hangs it on their wall? Are you networking just because you're standing in a crowded room?

Dinner is served. It's chicken lo mein. Oh and by the way, your cat is missing.

Will I be subtly influenced by what my clone says, or by my own subconscious? Will my thoughts really be mine, or will they be mine - the other me?

It's hard to hear over the racket of gunfire. Politicians want to talk about war, but the people want to talk about peace.

Michael Phelps collects huhs. Huh? His mouth said nothing, but his actions said it all.

When I fake smile the corners of my mouth twitch from tiredness, then nervousness, as I wonder if anybody can see my mouth quivering and figure out that I'm faking my friendliness.

Do you need some birthday dick? I once got dick for my birthday - my first birthday, in fact. That's how they knew I was a boy.

A blanket could be used to represent a thing. Now this thing is curious, because it represents an idea. This idea is called sleep, and as far as ideathings go, it's about as relaxing as it gets. Ideas within sleep are called dreams, and they are like bricks, only not real and considerably lighter and less damaging as they bounce off your skull. So if a dream is an ideaideathing, then a dream about a blanket would be an ideathingideathing, and thinking about that makes me want to crack my brainbone with a brick.

Pepperoni looks so much like nipples that I can't eat pizza without getting horny.

A brick could be used to make life easier. Start carrying one around with you everywhere you go, and you'll see what I mean.

Am I going crazy, or am I the only one who can hear the silence?

When people say they don't read, I always wonder if they don't because they can't or because they won't. Then I think, what's the difference? Either way they are ignorant.

I'm as constant as Constantinople. Now that's some Istanbul shit.

I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.

When I jog it's like a dancing dog. Well, it's more of a foxtrot.

I am the bathtub of desire, but damnit woman, I saw you eyeing that swimming pool.

I'm older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.

If my love could be represented by a blur, it would be the beating of a hummingbird's wings. Did you know that my love is the only love that can fly backwards?

Black holes are darker than magic markers, but not as black as my mood.

The cycle of parental disapproval begins at dawn. That's why I have to get up five minutes before sunrise, so I can berate my grandpa like he was my own child.

I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren't the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless.

I travel light. But not at the same speed.

A brick could be used to stop a tornado, unlike a mobile home, which only acts like a tornado magnet and seems to increase its power.

I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I've ever served to an unsuspecting customer.

I was joking about my clones to my family when my uncle Herman said, "Don't do that. Don't make fun of yourself and others at the same time." And he's right. It is confusing. Am I mocking myself, or joking at the expense of someone else?

I'm older now than my dad was when he was my age. Wait, that's not right. That's not my dad at all, that's just some stranger hanging around in my memory.

A blanket could be bunched up and used as a seat cushion. But I'd rather cut off your buttocks and use that instead. Isn't it better that I be the one to sit on your fat ass all day? After all, sitting on your ass is all you seem to do now that you're addicted to high fructose corn syrup and targeted advertisements.

Boys will be boys. Well, some boys will be girls.

I'm the Robert the Bruce of Bruces. I'm also the Robert the Bruce of Roberts.

A golf hole is so small. It's almost like they don't want me to put my penis in it. In just a few more strokes, I'll be finished with this round.

Out of all the guys she could love, I am two of them. But she chose my clone over me and that hurts. And it feels good.

My list of chores is a little too important to include in my list of life's goals.

I'm glad I don't have any foreskin, because at a nude beach I'd feel overdressed. (It'd be the only time I could feel overdressed by showing too much skin).

I have so much love that it could stretch around the world's largest dick. But so what? Bernanke's belt does that every day.

Even though I wore an eye patch, the Cyclops and I, we didn't see eye to eye. We argued about the nature of love, and I hated it, so in the name of love I had to stab him.

If you come by my place, you might see a wheelbarrow full of broken bricks. I broke them with my fist. I was practicing for your face.

I wrote a thesis on love, and I wrote it in lipstick. Of course, I also got blood on the paper, because the lipstick was still attached to her cheating lips.

The moment I laid eyes on her I knew she was somebody else, somebody I could love. And since somebody else never showed up, I did fall in love with her.

People can only grow, stagnate, or regress. Which one are you doing? I'm both growing and stagnating, because I'm learning every day, so I'm growing, but since learning has become a habit and I do it all the time, I'm technically stagnating. I'm stagnating upwards.

The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy's pocket.

I'm not going to catch any fish in the forest using a steak knife as bait. Still, I've got to try.

A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase "hurry up and wait.

My gas tank is on empty, but my erection is on full. Still, it would be wise to stop the car before I pump.

If somebody's a jerk and says something nasty, be a bigger jerk and say something kind and walk away.

I should open up a dry cleaners/pizza parlor. Extra Stain Sauce will be free, but removing it out of your clothes will cost you.

A brick could be used as a headstone. Or the instrument that proves "until death do us part" is faster and cheaper than a divorce.

I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I'm just barely scratching the surface.

I had a dream about you. The Thursdays were back, and with them they brought hope. They were selling, and everybody was buying. I tried telling the people they shouldn't buy, because if they just wait 24 hours, the product would be free. What the Thursdays sold was both priceless and worthless, depending on when you acquired it.

This is a cat's world, and man's just allowed to share in it.

I always wear gloves, so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worried about fingerprints. Plus, it saves on buying hand sanitizer.

The other day I tried to design a finish line, but I didn't know where to start. So I just sat there and drank Gatorade. Ah, but that's life, no?

Cats are like mushrooms, only you'll rarely ever hear me scream, "Get off my pizza!" to a pack of mushrooms.

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.

If I own a business, I work for myself. And if I have no revenue, I work for free. That's not slavery. That'll be the case when I employ 1,000,000,000 clones of myself. I won't pay them, but they are me, so it's not slavery.

Sometimes I feel like the tenth dentist in the 9 out of 10 dentists surveys.

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I'm also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.

My shoes were all muddy, so before I walked in my friend's house I sprinkled grass clippings all over my feet and said, "Excuse the mess - I just stepped in real estate." While the value of my words wasn't like 2007 prices, it was still worth enough for him to let me in without making me take off my shoes.

I always leave the toilet seat up. It's just easier to wash my hair that way.

I got a small package in the mail today, and I thought it was the midget stripper I bought off eBay. But it was just a pair of shoes I ordered. Didn't matter, I still made them dance for me.

A manmade waterfall that was half man, half waterfall would have a hard time going upstairs. Thank God for waterproof elevators!

You know who's not money? @JManziel2. Quarterbacks should stay in the pocket, because that's where the money is. Ask any politician.

A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge.

I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.

I tattooed my name on my buttocks, so you'd know what an ass I am. Also so either me or my clone could claim me, if I ever got lost.

Aaron Burr was probably a cold man.

I love mankind. And by mankind I mean women.

Gin is a confusing drink. It's the only liquid that's both wet and dry.

I got shingles from my ex girlfriend. But that's to be expected, since she is a roofer.

I bought you a gift. It's something I've always wanted, but I'm not quite sure you'll like it. So if you don't want it just tell me and I'll be happy to keep it. After all, I'm only interested in making you happy.

I love the newspaper. I love reading fiction.

My ticket's been bought, and my luggage is packed. I'm storing both of my bags under my eyes. Or am I just tired from lying awake daydreaming of you?