Demetri Martin Quotes

How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them ... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.

Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

The earth without art is just eh.

To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment's messy I need to clean it. It's like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room.

I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny ... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to be some guy who was doing my page and he would say that he was my cousin and I was going to be doing projects with him. I don't know who this person is and I don't have a cousin by this name and this person keeps saying that they're doing projects with me. It's so weird.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.

Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

You mock those who blindly follow the majority ... turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity; for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Every cloud has a silver lining. Right. Okay. And, tell me again how a silver lining helps me?

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

I like people, for a little while.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I'm completely disconnected.

It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.

I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.

I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.

I like parties, but I don't like pinatas, because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals: 'Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzaz. Let's kick his ass!'

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but ... " I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.

I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions ... and comparisons.

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.

There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I do think about the specific people in the audience, how it's hard for them to get up and go to the bathroom, how they chose not to do other things that night and have turned off their phones and everything. So for that reason, I think it's necessary to mix it up and talk to the audience.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.

It is illegal to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like "Flames!" or "Smoke maker!" or "Bad hot!

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.

I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.

I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."

I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

I think bears and worms aren't very similar ... until you think of gummy.

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.