Demetri Martin Quotes

I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music ... I gotta carry the show, that's the problem. ~ Demetri Martin

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something. ~ Demetri Martin

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably. ~ Demetri Martin

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class. ~ Demetri Martin

I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed. ~ Demetri Martin

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about. ~ Demetri Martin

I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention. ~ Demetri Martin

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process. ~ Demetri Martin

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths. ~ Demetri Martin

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles. ~ Demetri Martin

I just found out that I have more allies than America! ~ Demetri Martin

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.' ~ Demetri Martin

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar! ~ Demetri Martin

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?' ~ Demetri Martin

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment. ~ Demetri Martin

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house. ~ Demetri Martin

I like people, for a little while. ~ Demetri Martin

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out. ~ Demetri Martin

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay. ~ Demetri Martin

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it. ~ Demetri Martin

I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I'm completely disconnected. ~ Demetri Martin

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. ~ Demetri Martin

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room ... can even bring things to a climax. ~ Demetri Martin

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'. ~ Demetri Martin

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me. ~ Demetri Martin

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone. ~ Demetri Martin

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows. ~ Demetri Martin

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies. ~ Demetri Martin

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be. ~ Demetri Martin

I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive. ~ Demetri Martin

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time. ~ Demetri Martin

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls. ~ Demetri Martin

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25. ~ Demetri Martin

I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles. ~ Demetri Martin

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder. ~ Demetri Martin

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet. ~ Demetri Martin

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import). ~ Demetri Martin

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen. ~ Demetri Martin

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. ~ Demetri Martin

I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation. ~ Demetri Martin

I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentance starts out with: " I heard fron this guy who told somebody ..."
-Demetri Martin ~ Joed Jackson

I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them. ~ Demetri Martin

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up. ~ Demetri Martin

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees. ~ Demetri Martin

When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out ... and yes I'm very ticklish'. ~ Demetri Martin

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that. ~ Demetri Martin

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead. ~ Demetri Martin

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them. ~ Demetri Martin

Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things you can say, "Can I yo-yo? Can I juggle?" Usually you have a pretty small window in which to get your answer. Stand-up is different. You can't do stand-up for one night and say, "Am I a funny stand-up comedian?" In two months or two years you'll start to realize it. ~ Demetri Martin

You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists. ~ Demetri Martin

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location. ~ Demetri Martin

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry. ~ Demetri Martin

If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time. ~ Demetri Martin

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill. ~ Demetri Martin

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world. ~ Demetri Martin

To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment's messy I need to clean it. It's like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room. ~ Demetri Martin

I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer ... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer. ~ Demetri Martin

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus. ~ Demetri Martin

A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy. ~ Demetri Martin

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often. ~ Demetri Martin

Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about ... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room. ~ Demetri Martin

I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it. ~ Demetri Martin

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole". ~ Demetri Martin

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. ~ Demetri Martin

I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line. ~ Demetri Martin

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric. ~ Demetri Martin

I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable. ~ Demetri Martin

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band. ~ Demetri Martin

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun ... ladies. ~ Demetri Martin

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home. ~ Demetri Martin

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math. ~ Demetri Martin

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital. ~ Demetri Martin

I am a man of my word ... and that word is unreliable. ~ Demetri Martin

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy. ~ Demetri Martin

Every cloud has a silver lining. Right. Okay. And, tell me again how a silver lining helps me? ~ Demetri Martin

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets. ~ Demetri Martin

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets. ~ Demetri Martin

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. ~ Demetri Martin

I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games. ~ Demetri Martin

If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.' ~ Demetri Martin

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'. ~ Demetri Martin

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia. ~ Demetri Martin

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. ~ Demetri Martin

They should call fishing what it really is ... tricking and killing! ~ Demetri Martin

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. ~ Demetri Martin

You need an audience to help you figure out what's working and what's worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what's worth touring with. ~ Demetri Martin

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing. ~ Demetri Martin

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please. ~ Demetri Martin

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' ~ Demetri Martin

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting. ~ Demetri Martin

Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original. ~ Demetri Martin

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy. ~ Demetri Martin

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys. ~ Demetri Martin

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that? ~ Demetri Martin

I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend. ~ Demetri Martin

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it. ~ Demetri Martin

I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny ... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things. ~ Demetri Martin

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me. ~ Demetri Martin

The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location. ~ Demetri Martin

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. ~ Demetri Martin