Greg Behrendt Quotes

It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less
even a vague pathetic facsimile of less
than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.

Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.

Men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth.

I always say that I love magic but I hate magicians. I like being fooled. If you wave your hands in front of my face and I think you're doing a trick, I'm easily impressed. If you pull a quarter out of my ear, I'm quite certain you're a wizard. But I don't like the way most magicians don't act like they're magical; they act like show business dicks.

A good indication that it's not is if you're only staying with What's His Name because you're scared.

Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you're with is a big, selfish jerk.

I was always funny, but I wasn't a great musician, and I wanted to be a musician way more than I wanted to be a comic. I just didn't think comedians were cool when I was a kid.

So many of us find ourselves saying, "but he was so great!" Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on vacation. Things changed and it's important to remember that they did.

Meeting someone you like and dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse.

I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.

You can't fix people or make them change; the only thing you can do is pack your shit and leave if it isn't working for you.

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the
woman he loves

This life is yours and no one else's, and if you spend your time looking at other people's pages, you'll never get anything done.

I believe in love the verb, not the noun.

Remember always what you set out to get, and please don't settle for less.

The quickest way to rectify that mistake (choosing the wrong person) is by learning from that, moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future.

When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you'd like them to be.

Trust yourself, because as Oprah says, doubt means don't every time

If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you'll find it begins to move on after a while.

There's nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you're busy or just want to flirt, but it's hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree.

There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.

I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!

Can you deep fry the bacon? Oh how I wish you would ...

I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.

A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it.

Alone also means available for someone outstanding.

I went to stand-up when my rock n' roll dreams weren't coming true. I knew it wasn't going to happen when I was in a New Wave band in 1992 - at the height of grunge. Then I heard No Doubt's 'Spiderwebs' and I said, 'Well, we're done.' They did - and succeeded at - what we were trying to do.

If the guy you're dating doesn't seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start 'figuring him out,' please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.

The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed.

If he was so great, you'd still be together.

I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember men are never to busy to get what they want.

If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.

There will never be a good time, financially, to get married, unless you're Shaq or Ray Romano. But somehow people manage. If your man is using money as an excuse not to marry you, it's your relationship that's insecure, not his bank account.

Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself

Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he's getting on with his life without you?

Having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex.

Don't spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything
related to his feelings for you

We were raised to pursue women ... Most of the guys I know enjoy the pursuit. But that doesn't mean women should be wallflowers.

Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.

Maybe this is just me, because my priorities have changed as I've gotten older. But now I don't want to be 'sort of dating' someone. I don't want to be 'kinda hanging out' with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved.

If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further.

Drinking, eating, shopping, revenge, rebound sex, drugs or whatever your poison may be will number the pain - but that's all.

The time it takes to feel better about a breakup is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.

Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out, and they're working it out on your time and with your heart.

I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.

Bored with the same type of misery over and over and over again.

You already have one asshole, you don't need another one

In retrospect, I'm embarrassed by how little effort on his part it took for me to come back or stay. I was so desperate for him to love me, to want me, to fight for me that I was literally grateful for any mere scrap of effort. I'd made so many excuses for his inability to treat me well that even the smallest gesture was amplified in my head. After years of this, I finally got my head out of my ass and realized that aside from feeling insecure and fragile about the state of my relationship all the time, we also wanted entirely different things out of life!

Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time?

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

The great thing about comedy is that the longer you've been alive, the more you have to talk about and the better you get. I've got some miles and some road savviness that some other guys don't have.

There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it's not so much about the theme of the show.

I don't have a massive fan base. I don't have Patton Oswalt numbers, but the fan base I have is incredibly generous, and of the 22,000 people who follow me on Twitter, I think almost all of those people participate.

Feeling in love (or lust) and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear.

If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater ... I'd be just fine.

One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes relationship just end, often without reason. I truly believe that sometimes both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning

Young people are gross with their faces and their hope.

Often the thought of pain is actually worse that the pain itself.

Don't idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don't idolize people ... Because they'll let you down.

Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time.

If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.

She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Don't waste the pretty

Let's start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there. What other choice is there?

It is in that moment, when you really lay down your cards and see the relationship for what it was, that you'll find the freedom to kick it in the ass and let it go.

How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: 'I can't believe we're doing this in the White House'?

Part of me also knows that this generation is the least racist and most pro-gay, so that's great. But they have a real lack of gravitas. And they have no taste in music. Vampire Weekend? Can we play some music, please? Can we rock out for a minute? Where's your Metallica?

For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.

I do think that you can dress yourself out of a problem. The way that a haircut and a new pair of pants can make you feel is better than any therapist, because when you look in the mirror, you see a different person - you are a different person. It's superficial change that can lead to real change.

It's time to stop pretending I'm ok with things I'm not ok with like all insects and Foster the People.

I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!

He doesn't have to love your CD collection. He doesn't have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family - especially when they're great.

Because here's what guys don't do if they can't live without you: They don't break up with you.

He's just not that into you.

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.

Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.

I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.

Being a winner in life means finding a way to keep yourself in the personal space where you're being the best and most vibrant you instead of the smallest you. That is the secret to success in anything you want to do in life. That means not comparing yourself to anyone else and concentrating on you. Because when your self-esteem is in the shitter and you don't feel worthy, you look to others for validation, you settle for crappy things and all you get is crappy things and who wants that?

What did heartbroken people do before phones? Come home and stare at the mailbox? Stand in their driveway and wait for the stagecoach? Run to the Western Union to see if anyone had Morse Coded them? Stare into the sky waiting for the messenger pigeon?

I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter.

But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you'll never see when you're with a guy who's really into you: You'll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You'll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you're calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You'll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn't have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You'll be too busy being adored.

If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy.

I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.

Life's biggest rewards come from the biggest challenges

I don't know if you know you're funny, but you enjoy being funny. I know I'm funny because people tell me I am, but when I watch myself, it doesn't make me laugh. Does that make sense? Because I know the jokes, and to me, I feel like I'm pulling the wool over people's eyes. And there are probably people who do not enjoy what I do.

Cheaters never prosper

Be yourself. If something you do doesn't work, don't do it the next time. Listen to yourself - you know what appropriate behavior is.

So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates.

I think probably - I think, you know, when you're first dating somebody, if they're just not that physical with you, if they don't want to make concrete plans with you, you know, if they're sort of ambiguous about where everything is going, I think that's a pretty good sign that they're not into you.

You are defined by how you live your life, not whom you live it with, and certainly not by what you gave up to be with that person.

There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

What sucks even more is getting hung up on the "what is he thinking and feeling?" shit. Does he miss me as much as I miss him? No. If he did, you'd know it by his actions. Is he seeing someone else? Maybe. Probably. Or at least he's planning on it. Again-it sucks, but if you get real about it you'll realize that knowing the answers to these questions still doesn't change the fact that your relationship didn't make the cut.

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one.

I don't know" means "NO!"
"I don't know" means "I'm too cowardly to tell you the truth because I can't deal with confrontation."
"I don't know" means please do the dirty work for me because I don't want to hurt your feelings even more then I already have.

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I'm not a big fan of comedy roasts because most of the time I find them to be really mean, but once in a while, you'll hear something perfectly worded and well-crafted.

big plans require big action