Artie Lange Quotes

People are so nice, you know. It's such a credit to Howard Stern - the audience base that he created is such a special thing. It took him a long time to create this family of fans, and I was lucky to be a part of that for a while.

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.

If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just ... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.

I got cast on 'MADtv' as one of eight permanent cast members chosen from 8,000 comics who'd been screened. For any comic trying to make something of themselves, that was like hitting triple 7s-jackpot.

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

It's good to be alive.

Unlike a lot of comics, I didn't care about getting on 'Saturday Night Live.' That show had such history and was so established that I didn't see the point.

Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish I had the person on stage to be with all the time.'

My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.

As a child, as far as I was concerned, my dad had an amazing job, and we had all the money we needed. My life was so fun and carefree that I didn't realize at all that we weren't rich - until I met someone rich. Still, I've never met a rich kid who grew up as happy as I did.

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.

When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.

My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.

When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.

I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.

I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.

To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor.

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once you're laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what I'm saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred.

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

My father was a really good athlete, so his pop-ups really were sky high. Eventually I learned how to judge them properly and catch them well. It was great training for when I started to play on teams, which I did all through school.

The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.

I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.

I never went through a period were I wanted to be a doctor, a cop or even a rock star. All I wanted to do was play short stop for the Yankees from the time I was about 5. Then I turned 15 and realized how silly that was and just gave up on it.

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking

Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative.

When I became a standup comic, my hero, one of them, was Richard Pryor, and you know, I think that comedians, like, comedians talk about hacks, and what a hack is, is someone who does stuff that's not original.

When I encountered rich people for the first time, I discovered that not only do they holiday in places that are hard to find on a map, but that they also use the names of seasons as verbs. When they asked me, 'Where did you summer and winter growing up?' I would usually say, 'As a child? The same place I springed and autumned.'

Woody Allen stayed so good because he never left New York. Howard Stern stayed so good because he never left New York - Mel Brooks when he just got out of New York was doing 'Blazing Saddles;' when he left New York he started doing stuff like 'Robin Hood Men In Tights' - he was in L.A. too long. He lost the edge.

You haven't lived till you've played Scrabble in a psych ward.

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.