Colin Quinn Quotes

That's the beauty of being a comedian - it's the one job you're allowed to do that. We're lucky. We're really lucky.

Well ... you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.

You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.

I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows.

With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs.

The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.

The races are like America's children. White people are the firstborn, so they were Dad's favorite. Black people are the second kids, the abused ones, so they still hate Dad. Latinos are the third, caught in the middle and always trying to make peace between the other siblings. Asians are the youngest, and get good marks in school, but basically are just trying to keep their heads down and not get involved. And Native Americans are the old uncle who owns a house and everyone else in the family was like, "He's not using that! Let's move in!

I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles.

A lot of lip service gets paid to being honest, but no one really wants to hear it unless what's being said is the party line.

You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers.

The Vikings thought they were big shots because they had boats. You know how obnoxious people get when they own a boat. They always want to go on the boat. "We're taking the boat out this weekend. It's supposed to be beautiful. Why don't you come? You never come. You're always working. You know how many people wish they would get invited to come on the boat? And you turn it down.

You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything.

Even a guy like Jim Norton is clinging to his one empty tradition like anyone gives a care. My prayers for his death, as always, went unanswered.

Those early days of comedy are when you get addicted to it.

A few years back, they jacked David Copperfield in West Palm Beach, for Chrissake. Yes, it's funny: "Yo, empty your pockets," and he pulls out a bunny rabbit. But it's also depressing. If someone who can make himself disappear isn't safe, who is?

I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway.

It's sad. Marxism didn't work. Communism didn't work. Capitalism doesn't work. Nothing works. Even democracy doesn't work. Democracy-the greatest form of government and we have two choices for who's our leader. In fascism you only have one choice. That's great. We have one more choice than the worst form of government.

I like guy stuff.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian.

People's - most people's job is talking about the future or like money not even in the present tense. It's not even paper.

I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different.

I write all the time - I write poetry, I love to write.

The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.

My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in.

It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything.

Humanity is a crazy contradiction. I accept us for who we are. We're not that great. Every time we take a step forward we go back to the same primitive behavior. We're meant to be this way. It's not our fault, it's just who we are.

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America.

For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor.

You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting.

I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.

I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian.