Jeff Ross Quotes

You don't mess with Oprah. She has enough money in her left pocket to have me killed.

Comedy comes from pain, and no one knows that better than this woman Roseanne Barr - who was molested as a child. Uch. That poor molester. Roseanne never got over it. She felt violated. She had trust issues. She never got the candy he promised her.

As soon as a roast is announced, I get everybody - family, friends, waitresses, cab drivers - giving me jokes about the person getting roasted. I'm the mouthpiece for the masses.

I think it's important for comedians to do our little part. I don't do it carelessly. I do it thoughtfully. I don't try to just shock. I try to make a statement.

Occasionally a roast master needs to get out of Dodge.

Athletes tend to have less of a sense of humor than most people. They are heroes to so many. That might be part of it.

There are no subtleties in a war zone. I think that's why comedy does so well there. It goes right for the gut. So those punch lines start penetrating the bullet-proof vests.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

I think Jersey stands alone, and because I'm from Jersey, I never make fun of where people are from. I'll make fun of what they look like, but I'll never make fun of where they are from. Jersey is special.

When I first started doing these roasts in the mid '90s, they were a lost art, like jousting or calligraphy. But I feel like roasts help tame the room and let off steam ... It's like it's all being handled by professionals.

Sometimes during my set I invite volunteers up on stage to get speed-roasted and I'm worried that I may have hundreds of people rushing the stage all at once. Luckily I'm a black belt in karate and I can fend them off.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

When I see something that's sensitive, I go, 'You've got to put that out there.' You need to keep the dialogue going and shine a light on the bad guys. If you sweep it under the carpet, people forget about it. People stop talking about it.

I was the kid who always hung back and then dropped the jokes when you least expected it. Timing was everything. My mouth sort of developed over time.

It's up to comedians to shine the light on what's wrong in the world, and we don't want things swept under the rug.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

Humor that is edgy is never squeaky clean.

People love to see public figures get taken down a notch, and by the same token, everyone loves to be the center of attention, even when there's a target on their forehead.

I usually have sex to my stand-up comedy album. Power move.

You have such a huge career ... behind you.

Bad taste is not illegal. I always got my first laughs as a kid by saying inappropriate things. That's always how we're going to get our laughs as comics.

Instead of running for President, why don't you try walking on a treadmill?

I'm not hurting anybody. Comedy's all about innuendo. I'm putting it out there just like anybody else.

Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.

I don't think you cross the line - I think you move the line.

With roasting, you've really got to bring your A-game. I hate to admit it, but I probably think and obsess more about the roasts than my own series. Because there's so much attention focused on the roasts. It's like the 'Super Bowl' of comedy. Everybody is going to talk about it. Forever.

I would vote for you for President but I'm against big government.

Could you imagine me and the roasters taking on the GOP field? It would be the greatest show ever. Prove that you can take a joke. Prove that you're a man or woman of the people. Prove that you're not above criticism even in the form of a backhanded compliment.