True Funny Inspirational Quotes

Q: When did you realize you wanted to be a writer?
A: I hate this question, because the answer makes me look like a jerk. The answer exposes me as a jerk. But here it is: the first time I read Twilight, I thought to myself, "If this chick can write a book, then you can!"
One day, Stephanie Meyer is going to give me a bloody nose. I accept that like I accept that I will one day get wrinkles.
To Stephanie Meyer: Could you come at me from the right side?
That side of my face could use adjusting ... ~ Anna Banks

I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too. ~ Conan O'Brien

Be patient with your boaters and let them rant. Most of them will get over it come December. ~ Matt Goldman

I've often thought it unfair that women are expected to stay at home when there's a fight to be won. If a
woman has the strength to bear a child, she can swing a sword as well as any man. ~ Karen Hawkins

Yeah, why was there a naked doll and fake penis in that store?" she asks. Your response might be something like this: "You know, as crazy as it sounds, there are some adults who buy things like fake penises and naked dolls. I know it sounds nuts, but it's true. Some adults think it's kind of funny to do that; they do it as a joke. But there are some adults who use them as though they were real by touching and holding them. Daddy (or Mommy) and I think that's silly, but if some adults want them, I don't think they'll cause any harm. ~ Fred Kaeser

There was a great joke that was forever doing the rounds in the jail and it was probably funny not because it had a humorous punchline but because it was so very true at a deep psychological level. Put anyone in that jail and soon enough they'd actually become a cruel, twisted, sadistic and heartless thug. And some of the prisoners were just as bad. ~ H.M. Forester

Monster a person though monster not human.
Monster like music. Like Beatles! Like Schumann!
World full of stupid. World full of noise.
Monster feel ANGRY. No birthday. No joys.
World full of JUNK monster not comprehend.
What is a childhood? What is a friend?
Monster and human both want the same.
Want conversation. Want love. WANT NO PAIN.
If monster speak heart: monster life only worsen.
Monster not human: BUT MONSTER A PERSON! ~ Jennifer Finney Boylan

On rare occasions one does hear of a miraculous case of a married couple falling in love after marriage, but on close examination it will be found that it is a mere adjustment to the inevitable. ~ Emma Goldman

I get the feeling humanity would be thrilled to discover life on another planet. So why not rediscover it here and really cherish it. ~ Tom Althouse

Cordelia looked at Edric. "Which way will lead to our respite, think you?"
"I don't know, my lady," he admitted.
There was a pause.
"This way," Tania decided, heading off to the left and pulling him with her.
"Why?"
"It's downhill. ~ Allan Frewin Jones

When I lost my decathlon world record I took it like a man. I only cried for ten hours. ~ Daley Thompson

Now keep in mind, memories aren't historical archives. They're - improvisations, really. A lot of the stuff you associate with a particular event might be factually wrong, no matter how clearly you remember it. The brain has a funny habit of building composites. Inserting details after the fact. But that's not to say your memories aren't true, okay? They're an honest reflection of how you saw the world, and every one of them went into shaping how you see it. But they're not photographs. More like impressionist paintings. Okay? ~ Peter Watts

Insecurity is a funny thing. It makes us into someone we're not as a way to cope with someone we used to be. ~ Maria Goff

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books. ~ Alan King

I'm not sure who faked their orgasm first, but thankfully it was over rather quickly. ~ Donald Jans

I am where I am because I believe in all possibilities. ~ Whoopi Goldberg

The best way to turn a woman's head is to tell her she has a beautiful profile. ~ Sacha Guitry

Yes, yes. Aim for the sun. That way if you miss, at least your arrow will fall far away, and the person it kills will likely be someone you don't know. ~ Brandon Sanderson

From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere! ~ Dr. Seuss

Make [food] simple and let things taste of what they are. ~ Curnonsky

It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide. ~ Bill Bailey

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. ~ Phyllis Diller

Morning comes whether you set the alarm or not. ~ Ursula K. Le Guin

It's probably not easy for a woman to understand what it's like to be a man. Imagine you're starving, and someone puts a huge buffet in front of you. There's delicious, mouth-watering food all around you, and it's really really hard not to eat it all. That's what it's like to be a man around attractive women. The urge to want to hump everything that moves is part of a man's natural programming. It's a deep-seated hunger. To suppress that hunger takes civilization and a lot of willpower. ~ Oliver Markus

I don't even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell. ~ Shannon L. Alder

NOTHING TO DO BUT ALWAYS BUSY ~ Rigas

I nearly had a cakegasm at the table. My eyes rolled back in my head, and I moaned.
"Sweet Christ." I opened my eyes to find Hunter watching me with the strangest expression on his face.
"What? It's really good; you should try some," I said, pushing the plate at him. It was a testament of how embarrassed I was about the cakegasm that I was even sharing at all.
"I swear, if there weren't a table between us, I would be kissing you right now. And none too gently."
I put my form down and swallowed so I wouldn't choke. "You didn't seem to mind about the recliner," I said.
"True. But there wan't an audience, and that's a very ugly recliner. This is a very nice table. Also there is glass and sharp things I wouldn't want hurting you."
"Good point. Please, have some."
"If you're going to make that noise and that face again, I don't know if I can let you have any more."
"I'll be good. I swear."
"You're not good. That's the problem."
"You're right. I'm not," I said, giving him my own smirk. "I do try, though."
"Cruel. That's the word to describe you right now."
"Just have some cake. ~ Chelsea M. Cameron

Nature itself is the best physician. ~ Hippocrates

I'm very physical. I'm extremely active, and I would love to do something a little more sexy and dangerous, a la Sophia Loren, or funny and humorous, a la Woody Allen. Getting to do things along those lines would be extremely wicked and a dream come true. ~ Azita Ghanizada

We are funny creatures. We don't see the stars as they are, so why do we love them? They are not small gold objects, but endless fire. ~ Saul Bellow

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. ~ Elizabeth Berg

[My mother] really was an extraordinary, inspirational, tough, cool, sexy, funny woman. And that's the kind of woman I've always surrounded myself with, my friends and particularly my wife, who is not only smarter than and stronger than I am, but occasionally taller, too. I think it also goes back to my father and my stepfather, because they prized wit and resolve in the women they were with above all things and they were among the rare men who understood that recognising someone else's power doesn't diminish your own. ~ Joss Whedon

All generalizations are false, including this one. ~ Alexander Chase

The moment someone says, 'Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,' your party is over. ~ Amy Sedaris

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick. ~ Carroll Bryant

But he saw a rare determination in Haley's eyes. I can trust Haley's judgement, he told himself, even as he remembered how Haley had eaten that cheddar with the mold growing on it two weeks before.

Cheese and people are not the same. ~ Kit Alloway

Nothing has to be funny. Sometimes I just laugh to heal my soul. ~ TemitOpe Ibrahim

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip

I sometimes find that in interviews you learn more about yourself than the person learned about you. ~ William Shatner

Scroll through a list of books online, and you will find page after page after page of book covers with shirtless guys and titles that scream BILLIONAIRE ROMANCE! or ALPHA-MALE PARANORMAL WEREWOLF ROMANCE! or something equally ridiculous. All these shitty books look like clones of each other. There's not an original thought in sight. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

It's taboo to admit that you're lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven't left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. Ha ha, funny. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you're not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are.

A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn't transition well to adult life, that you'd fall right through the cracks. And look at you now. La di da, it's happening.

Your mother, your father, your grandparents: they all look at you like you're some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. "Getting old ain't for sissies," your father tells you wearily.

You wish they'd stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much you're not taking advantage of your youth.

You want to kiss all kinds of different people, you want to wake up in a stranger's bed maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good to feel nothing, you want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a bonafide family. You want to go from one place to the next constan ~ Ryan O'Connell

Most people just do not give a crap. Especially about you. It is not because you're crap. Mostly it is so because they are. So, you're better than them. Yeah! Now, give a crap! ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

All happiness depends on courage and work. ~ Honore De Balzac

Asked in 1919 whether it was true that only three people in the world understood the theory of general relativity, [Eddington] allegedly replied: 'Who's the third? ~ Arthur Stanley Eddington

Most of us can remember a time when a birthday - especially if it was one's own - brightened the world as if a second sun has risen. ~ Robert Staughton Lynd

Do flat-earthers believe that other planets are also flat? ~ Oliver Markus Malloy