Amy Sedaris Quotes

But I always like to play ugly people who think they're pretty.

Fire had an almost magical quality that suggested anything was possible. Early on, man even believed that fire was a god that had to be fed with animal sacrifices in order to burn brightly. Today we have evolved a long way from this ridiculous notion of a 'fire god' and now rightfully understand God to be a bearded being who lives amongst the clouds and hates Jews and homosexuals.

When people tell me they are going to go scrapbooking, I say, 'Why don't you make it yourself.' It's like chocolate-chip cookies. People buy the cookie-dough roll and slice it, and then they lay it on a cookie sheet. That's not making chocolate-chip cookies.

I'm always more attracted to the unattractive.

I love depressing movies and depressing books.

You think in a different way when you don't have any money. The joy of poverty is that you use your imagination to come up with stuff.

When you hear someone use the word 'meds' instead of the word 'medicine,' chances are they're no stranger to massive doses of mind-altering psychotropic drugs. Back out of the room slowly.

People always think I'm Amy Poehler, which never bothers me. I mean, Amy Poehler is great.

There's humor in everything. There's gotta be humor in everything.

I always liked my teachers, and I was in a lot of after-school projects. I was a Girl Scout until my senior year, when I couldn't be a Girl Scout anymore. I was in clubs like Junior Achievement, and I ran track and field. My grades were good, but then toward 11th grade they were nothing. I always went to summer school.

I've always been drawn to people with problems. Not just physical problems, but mental problems too. Like depressed people or killers, all that stuff.

My mother always said 'Don't bother other people.' I think that's good advice.

I like crafts that are made out of necessity because they're a little naive - you made it because you needed it.

I'm not a first-place person.

I like crafts that come out of poverty or necessity. There used to be hobby shops where you'd get your supplies, and then you'd use your imagination.

Well I went to New Orleans to cover the jazz festival for Trio, it's this new arts channel, it's really great.

Gay guys know how to craft, and they craft really well. Straight guys, forget it.

They just expected it to you know ... Paul, Steve and I could have hired our own publicist, if we wanted to, but I kind of liked the way it was more of a cult thing and those that liked it, liked it, you know what I mean?

I'm very domestic; I love cleaning. I love cooking. I like waiting on people. I just like to make things. I don't break that down to be weakness, or the only things women can do, or putting me back 20 years.

I'd rather have a part where you walk into a room and you leave. That's perfect for me.

I want witchcraft so bad that I can't stand it. I have wands in my apartment. And I use them sometimes. I walk into the kitchen with my wand, and I come out with something on a platter and I say, 'See, magic happens.' Works every time.

I like working with the public, and I like that it's really hard work.

I like to just make things ... If I have the TV on, I'm not just going to sit there. I want to do something with my hands; I've always got a project. Or I get a small group of people over, and I say, 'Let's make these things today.'

I'd just much rather see an ugly person take the trash out than see somebody really pretty taking the trash out.

If I'm creating something for myself, then I want to have fun.

I always got along with all types of people - popular people as well as drug addicts.

I hate playing pretty or sane people. Most people are not attractive or all there.

My father and I have a very good relationship. We always got along. But I always scold him.

I wasn't a cliquey person, and I think that's because I came from a large family. I got along with everybody, and I usually got along with the people that people didn't like.

When I'm by myself, I never play music. I have a lot of it, for a girl, but I don't listen to it a lot. I hate picking music out; I'm not good at it.

My little brother Paul. He owns his own floor sanding business called Silly P Hardwood Floors and hes really good.

I'm not ambitious when it comes to my acting career. I'm not breaking down my agency's doors or sending out headshots. Even when I'm offered work, I always want small parts. When it comes to things that other people have written, I just don't know what I'm doing. I'm terrible at memorizing a script and reading lines. I get confused and I don't understand and it just looks fake to me. It's more difficult for me to be creative that way.

Gift-wrap the framed artwork on your walls and rehang them - what's nicer than a wall of presents to look at?

I can't imagine going to an all-girls school. I went to a public school.

I have a couple freeloader friends, but it's okay. I know they're gonna come in with their arms flying in the air empty-handed.

Books are challenging and inspirational to me.

My favorite things often have a story behind them and are usually handmade or discovered at a flea market.

If you decide on having an alcoholic at your party, make sure it's a large gathering. This way, until the alcoholic begins removing their clothes or dangling the cat out the window, they can sort of blend in. An alcoholic at a small gathering is called an intervention.

Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives.

I love old cookbooks. I just got such a kick out of them, how the color would be way off or fake looking. The cook books now look so much like magazines, you'll never make food that looks like that. I'd rather see it the ugly way than they way they do it now.

My kitchen's pink, like skin-tone pink, and I lowered my spice rack so it's eye level - it's true! - and my phone, so I can reach it when I fall, it's right there.

I never really take shortcuts. I was always one of those people who, instead of cutting across someone's yard on the way home from school, I would go to the end of the block and turn.

I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed REALLY hard.

I like people who would rather something be discovered than shoved in your face.

I feel so free and open to ideas, and I get inspired by everything.

I feel confident writing on my feet with improv, but it's different when you're sitting down and writing it out.

I like to decide the night before Thanksgiving that I'm gonna do it, and I'll see what riff raff is around. Then I get that last-minute surge of energy. But if I had two weeks to plan, sometimes I wish I wasn't doing it. But very seldom does that happen.

That's why I love improvisational theater so much - you do it [scene] once and then it's done. You don't get bogged down with a lot of preplanning and repetition. If I do something and it gets a laugh, I don't want to do it again. Why bother? I'm just repeating myself. It's boring.

I have always wanted a bunny and I'll always have a rabbit the rest of my life.

Whenever I do your show, sometimes I get a little check in the mail and then I take that check and buy a new pair of shoes, and then I wear those shoes the next time I do your show.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a hospitable person and have groups of people in your home touching your personables.

I think it's still kind of weird to memorize a line, because you're supposed to 'be' this person, you know? So then its like, if I'm really this person, how can I be in the moment if I know there's just one line I'm supposed to say? It doesn't feel natural. I always just kind of want to say whatever comes up.

The moment someone says, 'Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,' your party is over.

Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.

I swear I want to be a food model.

I try to pick music for a diner that doesnt involve a lot of lyrics, so you're not paying attention to that. As long as it doesnt dominate the party, it should be more atmosphere music. When I'm by myself, I never play music.

I don't mind pointing out some of the failings of old age, because we are all headed in that direction, unless of course we take our own lives before we become a burden. I'm not advocating suicide, oh wait, I guess I am.

I was just a kid. I think I stole a candy bar. I remember feeling so terrible. It was the worst shock. I was probably 7. That's my least favorite feeling: guilt.

I love cop shows and crime books and thrillers, and before I die I'm gonna play a cop.

Don't associate me with comedy. And please don't say actress. I would never call myself any of those things. I hate it when people call me that.

I did shoplift but I didn't get in trouble for it. I shoplifted a lot when I was little. Candy. I would steal candy.

I like to make things, but I looked at old craft books on weaving or mosaics or whatever, I'm like, 'I don't really know anything about that stuff.'

I need a costume to be convinced that I'm somebody else. Otherwise, it's just me. It's just Amy saying lines. I haven't really become somebody else. And what's the fun in that?

I like to be the one in charge of everything.

I've never played anyone who didn't like themselves. I don't care if they're unattractive, but it's important that they think of themselves as attractive. And I guess that's part of their charm.

I like dramas and stuff. That's what I watch, but it seems weird that I'd be in it.

I am an aging Girl Scout.

I always want to look unattractive, it's more fun. I like playing opposites, people who aren't attractive who think they are pretty. That's always interesting to me.

But I love how people who are musical, they know how to dress.

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

I always knew I didn't want kids, and I didn't want to get married.

Don't make anybody a homemade gift. Unless you're really good, or it's going to be really practical. If it's a little thing you think is cute 'cause you made it, just forget it.

Some crafts have been practiced for centuries. These crafts were created using skills passed from generation to generation, and were motivated by necessity such as baskets and pottery, or artistic expression, such as more baskets and more pottery. Today, there is a much more leisurely attitude toward crafting, and virtually anyone without a job and access to pipe cleaners can join the elite society of crafters.

My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.

I'm not ambitious.

On the off chance that you have children, don't clean up at all. As children, my brother and sister and I loved waking up early and playing cocktail party with the leftover debris

I have a very muscular face.

I'm more of a clown, a tragic clown. Yeah. I just like humor to come out of characters.

I love theatrical props: a cup filled with solid fake tea, say, or a collection of fake food, including a rubber turkey, which, during the holidays, I wrap in tinfoil so it appears to have just come out of the oven.

If I know I have to memorize lines, I'm really gonna try to memorize lines. It's hard for me sometimes, because somebody wrote these words and you're trying really hard to get them the way they said it.

I've never done heroin or slept with people for money or anything.

I'm not very good with drink recipes. If I'm entertaining, I like to come up with a house drink for the evening, one thing I'll make for the whole evening of the whole month.

If I put my mind to something, it happens. I do know that's not necessarily psychic. But I always feel like there's something around me protecting me.

Although it has been said that idle hands are the devil's workshop, when it comes to teenagers, both idle and active hands are the devil's workshop.

People who shop in health food stores never look healthy.

I'm gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color - it's an old lady color.

Learn more about yourself! Make a self-esteem collage using pictures of other people you wish you were.

My characters always like themselves.