Jokes And Whatever Quotes

I shall tell you about God once you've reached your imaginary heaven. Then, give me a call. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

If a religious book makes you harbor ill thoughts about those with differing faith, then, you're reading the wrong crap of late. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Dead people are just great. Meet me when you are. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I nurture very good intentions about you. May you die in peace. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Most people are but a fake-art, and as real as a concealed fart. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I swear I've good morals. It's just that bad ones befriend me. I'm a friendly person, you know. But I will talk to them. Believe you me. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Most people just do not give a crap. Especially about you. It is not because you're crap. Mostly it is so because they are. So, you're better than them. Yeah! Now, give a crap! ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I am really, truly dead serious when I am just joking. But only if you're a joke would you mind my poking. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Please believe me. I've nothing against you personally. It's just that I laugh at all jokes. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

If you were sane, we'd both be mad. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Most people are scumbags. Accept it. Let go. Chill out, douchebags. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

There it was again - the perverse refusal to acknowledge my hostility. She seemed to me like some magical lake in a fairy tale: nothing could disturb the mirror-calm of her surface. My snide comments and bitter jokes disappeared soundlessly into her depths, leaving not so much as a ripple. ~ Zoe Heller

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. ~ Steven Wright

Opportunities for kindness are flowing past us continuously, during the hours we spend at home, in the office or store or shop or laboratory where we work, as we walk along the street, as we drive hither and yon, as we travel by train or plane or bus - in short, wherever we are and whatever we are doing. ~ David Dunn

In Memory of M. B.

Here is my gift, not roses on your grave,
not sticks of burning incense.
You lived aloof, maintaining to the end
your magnificent disdain.
You drank wine, and told the wittiest jokes,
and suffocated inside stifling walls.
Alone you let the terrible stranger in,
and stayed with her alone.
Now you're gone, and nobody says a word
about your troubled and exalted life.
Only my voice, like a flute, will mourn
at your dumb funeral feast.
Oh, who would have dared believe that half-crazed I,
I, sick with grief for the buried past,
I, smoldering on a slow fire,
having lost everything and forgotten all,
would be fated to commemorate a man
so full of strength and will and bright inventions,
who only yesterday it seems, chatted with me,
hiding the tremor of his mortal pain. ~ Anna Akhmatova

Love: the sickest of Irony's sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die. ~ Christopher Moore

Some of our jokes we made up on the fly. I love Lecrae; we have been friends for a while and he is just one of my favorite people. ~ Bart Millard

To struggle against censorship, whatever its nature, and whatever the power under which it exists, is my duty as a writer, as are calls for freedom of the press. I am a passionate supporter of that freedom, and I consider that if any writer were to imagine that he could prove he didn't need that freedom, then he would be like a fish affirming in public that it didn't need water. ~ Mikhail Bulgakov

There is no such thing as too much fun. People need to know it is O.K. to tell jokes and be happy. ~ Drew Carey

I've never went into the studio looking for a certain direction for my next production. I make music that I enjoy and whatever flows in my head when I'm in the studio is how the track is going to turn out. ~ Nicky Romero

I'm an old man, now. I've been alone since my 17th birthday. I'd wanted to marry, have a bunch of kids, and maybe be a grandpa. The big family around the Thanksgiving table, laughing and pouring wine and cracking jokes and harmlessly teasing the missus - I wanted that. I wanted to do something good with my life - something right. I didn't want what happened to Danny, my best childhood friend, to be the only mark I'd ever make in this world. But I thought it best not to fancy such hopes and dreams: a family, love. I'd been cursed by my best friend, and I thought it right not to inflict that curse on anyone who'd be foolish enough to love me. ~ J. Tonzelli

And to me also, who appreciate life, the butterflies, and soap-bubbles, and whatever is like them amongst us, seem most to enjoy happiness. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

I learned lots of dirty jokes very young. There was this girl who told me them. The gang I led went in for shoplifting and pulling girls' knickers down. Other boys' parents hated me. ~ John Lennon

I've always had a bawdy sense of humor. My father was a traveling salesman and he would bring jokes home. He would say, "Honey, you can take this one to school, but you can't take that one to school." ~ Betty White

Why this girl? Why had this girl crawled right under his skin and made an uncomfortable home there? Why did he want to make things good for her, to see her smile, to make her face
and her voice make all those interesting shapes and noises? Why did he want to stay up late with her when he knew she should be sleeping, just to hear her talk about maths and politics and the
state of the world?
This was not Quentin. Quentin did not like skinny girls. He didn't like serious girls. And he really hated bossy girls.
Quentin loved curvy, fun, uncomplicated girls; girls who laughed at his jokes and took off their bras when they danced on tables. If they wore bras at all. Yet here he was, washing up and mopping and feeling like five kinds of an arsehole over hurting the feelings of some skinny, serious, bossy girl. ~ Ros Baxter

The main jokes in this film are about big things, love and life and zombies - we all get that. ~ Simon Pegg

Use gentle means before you come to extremity, and whatever lesson you work him, and never take above half his strength, nor ride him till he is weary, but a little at a time and often. ~ William Cavendish

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. ~ Mitch Hedberg

This is really hard to do but I'd like to change the tone now and briefly mention today's terrible tragedy in France. Twelve people were killed because a satirical newspaper made jokes that some group found offensive. All of us are accustomed to bad news from around the world. But this story hits home for anybody who mocks anyone. ~ Conan O'Brien

And what is it that you get from women?' asking me what I never asked myself. 'I don't know. Is it energy, support, tenderness? The wonder of rapport, a life experience close enough so you know the same jokes. Did your mother always warn you to wear clean underwear, just in case you had an accident? ~ Kate Millett

The announcement that you are going to tell a good story (and the chuckle that precedes it) is always a dangerous opening. ~ Margot Asquith

Eventually, Simon shifts his position, grunting lightly, and then says, "Nice makeover."
"Are you hitting on me?" Harrison jokes.
"All I want is to be your frienemy," Simon jokes back.
"I'm not ready for commitment," Harrison says. "Too young for that. ~ David Estes

I always make this joke that I know you were expecting to see the big skirts and the hoops. But that was a long time ago. Artists aren't always seen as real people. If you start out as a teenager, sometimes people want to keep you locked as that. But I'm a woman now. ~ Jody Watley

Whatever draws the mind outward is unspiritual and whatever draws the mind inward is spiritual ~ Ramana Maharshi

We combine our three packs of pasta for dinner – pesto. We tip the dried stuff into a pan, add water and simmer.
We try it, looking at each other with disbelief as it hits the tastebuds. 'It's pesto, Jim, but not as we know it,' I say.
'Fascinating,' says Lou, unsmiling humouring my Star Trek reference, while wincing at the foul food. (And what made me say that? Is there such a thing as a dad-joke vacuum that needs to be filled, even in the wild?) ~ Fiona Wood

When he wasn't making quirky jokes about his mother like this - it happened more than once - he mainly spoke at me, about his job and about his band, Jettisoned Airplane, an electronic music duo, which had been formed in March, inspired by the plane that had gone missing and not yet been found. ~ Olivia Sudjic

Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking. ~ Amy Sedaris

When I first started on Twitter, a relative asked, 'Aren't you concerned with giving away your jokes?' I don't think of it that way. That's my content, and that's what I do. ~ Julie Klausner

The best jokes resonate because they uncover ridiculousness in our daily lives, reveal the silliness - and sometimes sadness - of things we see every day. ~ Rachel Sklar

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap'n Crunch and I'd have to take a nap. ~ M.J. McGuire

I love the idea of expanding the universe of games to some extent. At one point, they were kind of limited to boys, fanboys and whatever. I like the idea of liberation for games. ~ James Patterson

Jim Pagliaroni joined the club tonight and is going to be a welcome addition. He was describing a girl that one of the ballplayers had been out with and said, "It's hard to say exactly what she looked like. She was kind of Joe Torre with tits." This joke can only be explained with a picture of Joe Torre. But I'm not sure any exist. He dissolves camera lenses. ~ Jim Bouton

My mother sang with me in her stomach; I sang with Bobbi Kris in my stomach. I believe the child starts to develop within, and whatever you read, whatever you think, whatever you do affects the child. ~ Whitney Houston

I am mistakes and victories and death and life. I am competent and powerful and strong, and whatever this war brings my way --even death-- I will face it like the queen I am. ~ Sara Raasch

I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math. ~ Tina Fey

An old love of my uncle's. Her name was Nott."
"Not what?"
"Nott. Just Nott."
Mack waited as long as he could before asking, "Not what?"
"Nott. That was he name. Nott."
"Is that a joke?" Mack asked. "Like one of those 'not' jokes? Like if I said, 'I like your dress...not.'"
"What's the matter with my dress?" Xiao asked, a little irritated.
Leaning forward, Jarrah asked, "Not what?"
"Not a what, a who," Mack explained to Jarrah. "Nothing!" he answered Xiao's question.
"Okay, then," Jarrah said. "Not who?"
"Are we there yet?" Stefan asked.
"I think Nott was Shen Long's girlfriend," Mack yelled back to Jarrah. The wind was fierce and cold now that Shen Long was picking up speed.
"Then what's this about nothing?" Jarrah asked.
"It's not about nothing," Mack said. "It's about Nott."
There was a moment or two of silence. Then Jarrah said, "You know, I could push you right off this dragon's back."
Mack thought that over for a second or two then said, "I'd prefer you not. Heh. ~ Michael Grant

Something is mighty wrong with our priorities when professing Christian men joke about their wives, joke about their children, and joke about God, but fight to the death over their favorite sports team. ~ Doug Phillips

A girl must have an indefinable magic, real character, a strong sense of self. Her role is to respond to the brief of a photographer or communicate the vision of a designer - while making whatever she does look utterly effortless and whatever she wears utterly seamless. ~ Erin O'Connor

Whatever you bind on earth is already bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth is already loosed in heaven. Matthew 16:19 ~ Beth Moore

Since he was very young he had known that in certain ways he was unlike anyone else he knew. For a child the consciousness of such difference is very painful, since, having done nothing yet and being incapable of doing anything, he cannot justify it. The reliable and affectionate presence of adults who are also, in their own way, different, is the only reassurance such a child can have; and Shevek had not had it. His father had indeed been utterly reliable and affectionate. Whatever Shevek was and whatever he did, Palat approved and was loyal. But Palat had not had this curse of difference. He was like the others, like all the others to whom community came so easy. He loved Shevek, but he could not show him what freedom is, that recognition of each person's solitude which alone transcends it. ~ Ursula K. Le Guin

All I can do is keep working, keep auditioning, keep talking to people - and whatever it takes to show other colors. ~ Jim Parsons

I crack jokes and play games and that's really more my nature than being cold. ~ Bernhard Langer

Somewhere between the smiles, the laughing, the fights about nothing, and all our jokes, I fell in love. ~ Dawn Williams

Gently my mind escapes into the relaxing mode of pleasure.
A pleasure that will take my mind off the reality of life.
My past life.
Life as I know it know.
And whatever may come it slowly disappears to somewhere in the back of my mind.
It will remain there until I wish to retrieve it. ~ Slipknot

There are jokes about breast surgeons.
You know-- something like-- I've seen more breasts in this city than--
I don't know the punch line.
There must be a punch line.

I'm not a man who falls in love easily. I've been faithful to my
wife. We fell in love when we were twenty-two. We had plans. There
was justice in the world. There was justice in love. If a person was
good enough, an equally good person would fall in love with that
person. And then I met-- Ana. Justice had nothing to do with it.

There once was a very great American surgeon named Halsted. He was
married to a nurse. He loved her-- immeasurably. One day Halsted
noticed that his wife's hands were chapped and red when she came back
from surgery. And so he invented rubber gloves. For her. It is
one of the great love stories in medicine. The difference between
inspired medicine and uninspired medicine is love.

When I met Ana, I knew:
I loved her to the point of invention. ~ Sarah Ruhl

Let us recognize the beauty and power of true enthusiasm; and whatever we may do to enlighten ourselves and others, guard against checking or chilling a single earnest sentiment. ~ Henry Theodore Tuckerman

She laughed at bad jokes, stayed out too late, and overslept too often. Charity Hill loved holidays and she hated budgets and the alarm clock. ~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

There's nothing in the world sicker-looking than the grin of the man who's trying to join in heartily when the laugh's on him, and to pretend that he likes it. ~ George Horace Lorimer