Bill Bailey Quotes

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.

At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time. I got into a theatre company and started doing stand-up gigs for cash, so I lived hand-to-mouth, but there was always enough to pay the bills.

This shed does not contain me.

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

On GM crops: I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of velcro, to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles. But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding velcro so it's a bit of a long shot.

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

I try to appreciate the simple things. I've just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.

You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars ... I'm not bitter at all ...

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

I tend to go through periods worrying, "Where am I going, I can't see a way out of this," and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.

Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you're just doing the odd appearance, you don't know if it will carry on.

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?

Work hard, save and live within your means.

Relaxed Empiricism
I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

(Imitating a Belarus citizen commenting on their national flag) Stupid National Anthem ... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present ... Please leave your message after the tone."

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ... no eight!

My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn't just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.