Funny Diet Quotes

I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge. ~ Paula Poundstone

A diet is a plan, generally hopeless, for reducing your weight, which tests your will power but does little for your waistline. ~ Herbert V. Prochnow

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. ~ Elizabeth Berg

Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, 'You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers.' ~ Dave Barry

I like to quote Homer Simpson: 'I'm like a chocoholic except for alcohol.' I come from a long line of alcoholics. It's funny because when I first started making records, I was at the tail end of a period of sobriety, so I somehow got this reputation as Captain Sober. ~ Moby

How dare you. Do you have any idea who I am?" Laurence whined.
"I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one. ~ Mark A. Cooper

I was beginning to think that Simon just had a bad case of OCD, ADD, and PMS. With a little BS and OMG mixed in. ~ Dannika Dark

I threatened to kung fu you. Oh my God. ~ Jill Shalvis

There are two kinds of books. Those that no one reads and those that no one ought to read. ~ H.L. Mencken

You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people. ~ Donald Trump

Babies used to make me nervous, but these squirmy things are awesome once you've read the manual. ~ David Z. Hirsch

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. ~ Walter Matthau

I'm particularly bad at breaking if something's funny. I'm not professional, so I do often laugh, but less at what I do and more often at what other people do. ~ Timothy Simons

What I like about you is that I've never met anybody like you in my life. You've got depth and you're funny and you have a sweet, good soul." A breeze from the water passes over us, "And I admire your strength. ~ Augusten Burroughs

I didn't think things through, you know. I just rushed out and rescued you. I caused you great suffering." Her large green eyes fastened on his face. Storm clouds gathered instantly when she felt his faint, mocking amusement echoing through her mind. "What? What's so funny? Some idiot tried to put a stake through your heart, and he didn't even hit the darn thing!"
For which I am grateful. And I am even more grateful that you rescued me. I did not like being imprisoned and in such pain.
"I guess I'm glad I rescued you, too, but the truth is, Jacques, I have watched you healing faster than is possible. You're even more dangerous now. You are, aren't you?"
Never to you, he denied. ~ Christine Feehan

I will do comedy until the day I die: inappropriate comedy, funny comedy, gender-bending, twisting comedy, whatever comedy is out there. ~ Sandra Bullock

I'm glad I'm funny. I'm glad I make people happy, because that's very important. But I'm proud to be known as a kind person. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

A diet rich in fruits and vegetables plays a role in reducing the risk of all the major causes of illness and death ~ Walter Willett

I just called you corny and said you were wearing a green dress. That's, like, the least flirtatious thing anyone's ever said."
"I'm willing to believe it's the least flirtatious thing you've ever said."
"Why are you so hard on me when I'm so nice to you?"
"Why are you so nice to me when I'm so hard on you? ~ Claire LaZebnik

I have more respect for somebody who points at his ideal - in this case, the ideal of the pirate - and then becomes something that's more radical, more exciting, more subversive than a pirate could ever be. ~ Will Oldham

It's funny the things you think will last forever when you're young. ~ J. Sterling

Hi, name's Ran." The werewolf smiled, hand extended.
Silence.
Ran mimicked the knight's deep voice, while pretending to shake an invisible hand. "Hi, I'm the Amyntor."
More silence.
"Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you," the werewolf said in his own voice. "No, the pleasure's all mine," he said in Atlas's voice.
After yet more silence, Ran coughed into his fist before turning to look down the line at Aaron. "I see where you get your sense of humor from. ~ M.A. Wilder

Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis. ~ George W. Bush

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound. ~ David Letterman

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" ~ Henny Youngman

I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty ... you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. ~ J.D. Salinger

It's funny how life works sometimes, isn't it? ~ Riley Hart

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you. ~ Bill Cosby

It is hard for one who has not had a similar experience to imagine the terror that still gripped Taeko and Mrs. Tamaki and Hiroshi, so intense a terror that afterwards it seemed almost funny. ~ Junichiro Tanizaki

What you do when you git mad? she ast.

I think. I can't even remember the last time I felt mad, I say. I used to git mad at my mammy cause she put a lot of work on me. Then I see how sick she is. Couldn't stay mad at her. Couldn't be mad at my daddy cause he my daddy. Bible say, Honor father and mother no matter what. Then after awhile every time I got mad, or start to feel mad, I got sick. Felt like throwing up. Terrible feeling. Then I start to feel nothing at all.

Sofia frown. Nothing at all?

Well, sometime Mr. - - git on me pretty hard. I have to talk to Old Maker. But he my husband. I shrug my shoulders. This life soon be over, I say. Heaven last all ways.

You ought to bash Mr. - - head open, she say. Think about heaven later.

Not much funny to me. That funny. I laugh. She laugh. Then us both laugh . . . ~ Alice Walker

Brother Wolf gave Anna an amused look and then went back to being scary. ~ Patricia Briggs

I saw a dark void under the platform and had just enough time to think: Fuck me he's a earthbender. ~ Ben Aaronovitch

Even though I do a more traditional type of being funny on television, I still know a lot of comedians and stand-ups and improv actors. ~ Busy Philipps

Time was a funny thing ... Instead of marching in at a measured pace, it seemed to flow like a river. Quiet days pooled together, languid with a sense of sameness, and events swirled and eddied, and time seemed to pick up its pace. Then there was the tumbling, dangerous rush of white water over the rocks, and the heart-stopping terror of relentless inevitability as the water fell over the edge, and you knew that no matter what you might do or wish, you could not stop that flow from falling.
All you could do was surrender to the experience and flow with it. ~ Thea Harrison