Phyllis Diller Quotes

I don't want to sound like I'm on dope, but that hour is a high; it's as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids ... and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance.

You want to look younger ... rent smaller children.

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

If they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop ... and that was for the estimate.

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

Self-pity is better than none.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

I don't know how you feel about old age ... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again - nothing.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

A smile is a curve that sets things right.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

If I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.