Funny Witty Quotes

I wish I knew what you were talking about," she returned. "Where's
the pin?"
"Pin?"
"Yes. Pin. To fasten the diaper. The kid can't hold the thing up with
two hands. ~ Emma Goldrick

Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. ~ Ogden Nash

Nevermind nomenclatures, boy! What a serendipitous situation this is! ~ T.T. Faulkner

Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago. ~ Robert A. Heinlein

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. ~ Dan Quayle

I think Irish women are strong as horses, incredibly loyal and for the most part, funny, witty, bright and optimistic in the face of devastating reality. ~ Fionnula Flanagan

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts. ~ Conan O'Brien

There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that that's when they make doughnuts. ~ Kathy Griffin

It was a typically British birth ... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward ... I came out in sympathy. ~ Bob Hope

I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong. ~ Samuel Goldwyn

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk. ~ Bernard Manning

Never met such a Gorgon ... I don't really know what a Gorgon is like, but I am quite sure that Lady Bracknell is one. In any case, she is a monster, without being a myth, which is rather unfair. ~ Oscar Wilde

A pause followed my greeting. Then "We're watching you " whispered the voice on the other end.
"Yeah? Did you see what I did with my keys? "
Silence. Then dial tone.
These younger demons. So easily discouraged. ~ Josh Lanyon

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 2 ~ MaryAnne Tebedo

Ugliness is better than beauty. It lasts longer and in the end, gravity will get us all. ~ Johnny Depp

Google and ye shall find. ~ Neo Shamon

The equation for ego is: One over Knowledge. ~ Albert Einstein

I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I'm sure they're decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named their son Gaylord Focker. ~ Robert De Niro

I tried to picture a bunch of guys in blue suits running around a beachside neighborhood, knocking on doors and flashing Fed creds. That should cause a stampede of illegal aliens heading south. ~ Nelson DeMille

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of. ~ Robert Benchley

Give me the luxuries and I can dispense with the necessities. ~ Oscar Wilde

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep. ~ James M. Loy

All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought ~ Robert Breault

As marriage produces children, so children produce care and disputes; and wrangling. ~ Mary Wortley Montagu

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling ~ Robert Breault

Bores can be divided into two classes; those who have their own particular subject, and those who do not need a subject. ~ A.A. Milne

I have been laid up with intentional flu. ~ Samuel Goldwyn

You get a promotion?"
"I got a polite, but firm suggestion to be a team player. [ ... ]"
"You got off easy. One of my commanding officers once threw a paperweight at me."
"We're a bit more subtle. ~ Nelson DeMille

I love people; it's mankind I can't stand. ~ Charles M. Schulz

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. ~ Oscar Wilde

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. ~ Marcus Porcius Cato

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. ~ William J. Clinton

Whatever gets you through the night ~ John Lennon

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here? ~ Billy Connolly

And why would I be hiding from Master Chubb in his own kitchen?" Halt challenged. Again, Horace shrugged innocently.
"Well, there was a tray of freshly made pies airing on the windowsill, wasn't there? And you're quite fond of pies, aren't you, Halt?"
Halt drew himself up very straight in the saddle. "Are you accusing me of sneaking into that kitchen to steal the pies for myself? Is that it?"
His voice and body language simply reeked of injured dignity.
"Of course not, Halt!" Horace hurried to assure him, and Halt's stiff-shouldered form relaxed a little.
"I just thought I'd give you the opportunity to confess," Horace added. ~ John Flanagan

The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little smile to one little face today, then somebody's slipped up somewhere." ~ David Frost

I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't. ~ Scott Adams

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants ~ Dave Beard

Kevin", his father began, "I've been thinking about it – I guess I was kind of carried away. It's just that I've waited so long for my old school to make it to the Regionals... I suppose I was living it vicariously through you. Keith says you're not going to fail, after all. Is that right?"

"Looks like I'll make it. I know it's hard to believe..."

"Yes, it is. I was hoping you could get a football scholarship, you know. Something to waive the entrance requirements, because I don't know what college would take you-"

"Yeah. Thanks a lot Dad," Kevin said sarcastically. He already knew what his father thought of him and didn't need to be reminded yet again.

"Oh, come on. You know perfectly well that you're too stupid to-"

"That's not what my boyfriend says. Oh, by the way, Dad – I'm a faggot. Did I mention that?"

"... Kevin – get your stuff, and get out."

"Gladly. ~ Failte

I love making friends ... it's people I can't stand. ~ Linus Torvalds

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light. ~ Woody Allen

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness. ~ Mark Twain

#3 pencils and quadrille pads. ~ Seymour Cray

In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead. ~ Benjamin Franklin

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. ~ Freddie Mercury

Look around you. Watch how people function and interact with one another. You'll see this is going on everywhere all the time. People devour each other in the name of love, or family or country. But that's an excuse; they're just hungry and want to be fed. Read their faces, the newspapers, read what it says on their T-shirts! 'I think you're mistaking me for someone who gives a shit.' 'My parents went to London but all they brought me back was this lousy T-shirt.' 'So many women, so little time.' 'Whoever dies with the most toys, wins.' They're supposed to be funny, witty, and postmodern, Miranda. But the truth is they're only stating a fact: Me. I come first. Get out of my way. ~ Jonathan Carroll

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor. ~ Groucho Marx

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down! ~ Dave Chappelle

I'm not so much interested in the return ON my money as I am in the return OF my money. ~ Will Rogers

Endure for another day, Mister Tannen, and you'll have all the foul black misuse of water you can drink. ~ Scott Lynch

Half an hour into the movie, Margot started giggling, but it wasn't a funny part or anything. When Quinn looked over at her, she was covering her mouth and nose with one hand while waving the other in front of her. He couldn't hide his shock. No fucking way!
"Margot! You did not just fart!" Quinn exclaimed. He was absolutely dumbfounded. No woman has ever farted in front of him, not even his mom.
"I am sorry!" She laughed. "You would have never known if it did not smell!"
Quinn burst out laughing. He caught a whiff and laughed harder as he clapped a hand over his nose. It wasn't that bad, but he decided to play along. He was laughing so hard that he had tears running down his face. He couldn't remember the last time he laughed until he cried. Margot too was laughing so hard that she had tears running down her face. She gave him a playful shove, which only made it harder for him to breathe. ~ Andria Large

I promised myself that if ever I had some money that I would savor a cigar each day after lunch and dinner. This is the only resolution of my youth that I have kept, and the only realized ambition which has not brought disillusion. ~ W. Somerset Maugham

If the writing is good, then the writing is already funny. All you have to do is make this funny writing true to the very deepest of your heart, and the fact that you are capable of making this true will be hysterical. ~ Constance Wu

Life has a funny way of becoming ordinary as soon as it can. ~ Colm Toibin

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be. ~ Emo Philips

Sexually active? Sexually active? Patrick and I hadn't even learned the fine points of kissing yet!
I marched on down. 'For your information,' I said from the doorway, as both Dad and Lester jerked to attention, 'I am about as sexually active as a bag of spinach, and if you want to keep me on the porch and not out in the park somewhere behind the bushes, you'll keep the stupid porch light off when I come home with a boy. ~ Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

Sorry, sorry, don't mind me, coming through, oh why hello there - " This to a particularly handsome Kai look-alike droid, which had no more reaction than any of the others. "Or not," she muttered, brushing past him. "Pardon me, a little space, please? ~ Marissa Meyer

No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff. ~ Tucker Max

It's funny: I like being surprised as a reader, so it's difficult for me to spoil my own stuff. ~ Marc Guggenheim

Cricket is a most precarious profession; it is called a team game but, in fact, no one is so lonely as a batsman facing a bowler supported by ten fieldsmen and observed by two umpires to ensure that his error does not go unpunished. ~ John Arlott

Due to budget cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. ~ Robert Townsend

...pot roast. It could be reheated. It might
taste like a sneaker, but it would be warm. ~ Peter Benchley

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. ~ Dave Moulton

His fingers lightly grazed my cheek. "I didn't know you before. When you're not there, I can't concentrate. I'm wondering where you are, what you're doing ... if you're there and I can see you, I can see you, I can focus. I know it's crazy, but that's how it is."
"And crazy is exactly the way I like it," I said, leaning up to kiss his lips.
"Obviously," America muttered under breath. ~ Jamie McGuire

Well, that night we had our show; but there warn't only about twelve people there – just enough to pay expenses. And they laughed all the time, and that made the duke mad; and everybody left, anyway, before the show was over, but one boy which was asleep. So the duke said these Arkansaw lunkheads couldn't come up to Shakespeare; what they wanted was low comedy – and maybe something ruther worse than low comedy, he reckoned. He said he could size their style. So next morning he got some big sheets of wrapping paper and some black paint, and drawed off some handbills, and stuck them up all over the village. The bills said:

AT THE COURT HOUSE!
FOR 3 NIGHTS ONLY!
The World-Renowned Tragedians
DAVID GARRICK THE YOUNGER!
AND
EDMUND KEAN THE ELDER!
Of the London and Continental Theatres,
In their Thrilling Tragedy of
THE KING'S CAMELEOPARD,
OR
THE ROYAL NONESUCH ! ! !
Admission 50 cents.
Then at the bottom was the biggest line of all, which said:

LADIES AND CHILDREN NOT ADMITTED.
"There," says he, "if that line don't fetch them, I don't know Arkansaw! ~ Mark Twain

What the hell are those?" Zach pushed at my foot with his finger.

"My boots."

"It looks like your foot's being attacked by a Muppet. ~ Theresa Paolo

Then there was the time in Hollywood when I sat down in a breakaway chair and it collapsed on me. I was nearly knocked out and might have been even more seriously hurt but my fall was broken by the smog. ~ Jack Paar

I love funny people. I met and became friends with some of the funniest people ever. Gilda Radner, bless her soul; Martin Short; Dave Thomas; Eugene Levy. ~ Paul Shaffer

[It's] funny how things have a way of looking so much brighter in the daytime. ~ Elvis Presley

When the reader has stopped to wonder at your delamificatious vocabulary, or, worse, when the reader has stopped because the word you've used has no more meaning to him than a random ptliijnbvc of letters, the reader is not involved in your story ... Generally, saying 'edifice' instead of 'building' doesn't tell your reader anything about the building; it tells the reader that you know that word edifice. ~ Howard Mittelmark

Spider?" I'd said, with a question mark in my voice.
"Yeah."
"You know at school . . . what did you do that for? Wade in like that?"
Spider frowned. "He was disrespectful, Jem. What you said - I could tell it was real. It was what you were really feeling. He had no right to make a joke of it."
"Yeah, I know, he's a tosser, but it's nothing to do with you. You made a right show of yourself. You made a show of me."
"I didn't want him to get away with it."
"Yeah, but I don't need a knight in shining armor. I can look after myself." He was smiling a bit now. I paused. "It's not funny, man. It's made everything worse," I said quietly. "I've got comments all the time now, 'bout you and me. Sly comments."
He looked away, studied his hands. The knuckles on the right one were nearly healed up now.
My mouth had gone dry, but I had to get this clear with him. "You do know there's no 'you and me,' don't you, Spider?"
He looked up. "What?"
"We're not like . . . together. Just mates."
There was something about his sullenness when he said, "Yeah, 'course. Just mates. Mates is good," that made me think he felt the exact opposite. I was churning inside, cursing that day under the bridge. People were so bloody difficult. Why had I ever got involved?
He stood up, came toward me, putting an arm out. I thought, Shit, he's going to hug me. Hasn't he listened to anything? But his hand formed a fist, and he lightly punched my arm. "Listen, ~ Rachel Ward

I tore off another chuck of muffin and stared down at my chest. I shrugged and dabbed the muffin in the cum and popped it in my mouth. "I can't believe you just did that!" "Yeah," I snarled up my lip, "didn't quite think that one through all the way. ~ Ethan Day

Rape humor is designed to remind women that they are still not quite equal. Just as their bodies and reproductive freedom are open to legislation and public discourse, so are their other issues. When women respond negatively to misogynistic or rape humor, they are "sensitive" and branded as "feminist," a word that has, as of late, become a catchall term for "woman who does not tolerate bullshit." Perhaps rape jokes are funny, but I cannot fathom how. Humor is subjective, but is it that subjective? I don't have it in me to find rape jokes funny or to tolerate them in any way. It's too close a topic. Rape is many things - humiliating, degrading, physically and emotionally painful, exhausting, irritating, and sometimes, it is even banal. It is rarely funny for most women. There are not enough years in this lifetime to create the kind of distance where I could laugh and say, "That one time when I was gang-raped was totally hilarious, a real laugh riot. ~ Anonymous

He[Crystal's father] had found my height amusing, referring to me as his "little girl" at every opportunity even though I could see the bald patch on top of his head fringed by curls when we stood side by side. ~ Joss Stirling

Writing about yourself is a funny business. At the end of the day it's just another story, the story you've chosen from the events of your life. I haven't told you "all" about myself. Discretion and the feelings of others don't allow it. But in a project like this, the writer has made one promise: to show the reader his mind. In these pages I've tried to do that. ~ Bruce Springsteen

As we were negotiating, I didn't have a script. Once the deal is closed, they let you read the script. So, I got the script and was reading it like, "Oh, please be good!," because I'd already signed on the dotted line. And I read it and just went, "Okay, I'm going to be okay. Thank god!" It was a really funny, moving story. ~ James Badge Dale

A good time for laughing is when you can. ~ Jessamyn West

Posturing is funny to me. ~ Casey Wilson

There is no greater fan of fly fishing than the worm. ~ Patrick F. McManus

Did I mention how cute you look in my clothes?"
Blushing I just look at what I'm wearing and laugh.
"Chicks Dig me? And Sponge Bob boxers?"
"Chicks do dig me! And Sponge Bob is a great cartoon in your world. ~ Sara Daniell

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. ~ Steven Wright

It's true; I have a skill and it's ... it has not related to acting, it's not related to auditions, it's not related to studios, not related to public whim. It's whether I'm funny or not and whether I can entertain people. ~ Tim Allen

Many foxes grow gray but few grow good. ~ Benjamin Franklin

Love is a funny thing," he says, breaking the silence.
"Sometimes, I'd like to be better with words, so that I could talk about it more. It seems so wrong to me that there is this condition that affects all of us, more than anything else in our lives ever will, and only the poets and song writers get to talk about it with any sort of authority. ~ Rowan Coleman

Do you think they're going to buy that a guy in tacky leather chaps dances like this?" I scoffed when he twirled me back into his embrace.
"Keep it up, and I'll put you in the chaps." He didn't smile, but I sensed an undercurrent of amusement. ~ Becca Fitzpatrick

I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny. ~ Paula Deen

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain ~ Jon Stewart

For lo! the board with cups and spoons is crowned.The berries crackle, and the mill turns round ... At once they gratify their scent and taste.And frequent cups prolong the rich repast ... Coffee (which makes the politician wise And see through all things with his half-shut eyes). ~ Alexander Pope

The funny thing was that the sisters were hardly nubile, creamy-skinned Lolitas blushing on the bough. In fact, one of them looked like she'd beaten herself with a tire iron during a smallpox-induced hallucination, and the other looked like a close-up photo of a wolf spider. ~ Diablo Cody

As he flushed, an unexpected realization hit him. This is the Pope's toilet, he thought. I just took a leak in the Pope's toilet. He had to chuckle. The Holy Throne. ~ Dan Brown

Females will argue with you for 30 minutes then be like , I aint even gonna argue with you! ~ Kevin Hart

Larry Moffett is 6' 3". Last year he was 6" 6". ~ Jerry Coleman

I do not think that obsession is funny or that not being able to stop one's intensity is funny. ~ Jim Dine