Scott Lynch Quotes

Probably Verrari," muttered the senior, who was methodically torturing a piece of ivory with a slender carving knife. He wanted it to come out like a sculpted terrace he'd seen at the Temple of Iono, alive with lovely relief and fantastical representations of drowned men taken by the Lord of the Grasping Waters. What he seemed to be producing more closely resembled a lump of white dogshit, life-size. "Sooner trust a sailing ship to a blind drunkard with no hands than a Verrari.

Didn't Chains tell you about the Golden Theological Principle?"
"The what?"
"The single congruent aspect of every known religion. The one shared, universal assumption about the human condition."
"What is it?"
"He said that life boils down to standing in line to get shit dropped on your head. Everyone's got a place in the queue, you can't get out of it, and just when you start to congratulate yourself on surviving your dose of shit, you discover that line is actually circular.

Maxilan, darling." Locke raised one eyebrow and smiled. "I knew you were driven, but I had no idea you could smoulder. Come, take me now! Jean won't mind; he'll avert his eyes like a gentleman.

We don't see the life after life as it truly is, because in our eyes it conforms to our mechanics of nature.

Arms out, falling backward, staring up into the hot near-noon sky with the confident assurance of all twelve of his years that death and injury were things reserved solely for people that weren't Bug.

I'm just... enjoying the floor. It was kind enough to catch me when I fell.

If you're going to live here, staying civil is as much a duty as sitting the steps or washing dishes. Now, while I bask in the glow of another moral sermon delivered with the precision of a master fencer, hold your applause and let's get back to last night.

These are my cards on the table. I think you're beautiful. I feel like I'm an idiot with dirt on his face sitting next to someone out of a painting. I think...I think I'm just plain stupid for you. I know that's not exactly sweet talk out of a play. Frankly, I'd kiss your shadow. I'd kiss dirt that had your heel print on it. I like feeling this way. I don't give a damn what you or anyone else thinks...this is how it feels every time I look at you.

I'll wager I would have screwed things up regardless. But ... can you imagine those poor bastards grappling their prey, leaping over the rails, swords in hand, screaming, 'Your cats! Give us all your gods-damned cats!

How very comforting. If reassurances could dull pain, nobody would ever go to the trouble of pressing

It was strange, how readily authority could be conjured with nothing but a bit of strutting jackassery.

Locke drew in a rasping breath to spew some more damn fool craziness. Jean, with the reflexes that kept him alive when blades were drawn, clamped a hand over Locke's mouth before he could speak and pushed his head back down against his pillow. "I can't agree to anything on Locke's behalf, but I want us to hear your proposal. Tell us what the job is." "It's political," said Patience. "Mmmmph mmph," said Locke, struggling in vain against Jean's arm. "Mmmph fckhnnng fmmmph!" "He wants to hear more," said Jean. "He says he's very excited to hear the whole thing.

Of course they were your friends, Locke. They were your very good friends. Because they're going to teach you that when you kill someone, there are consequences. It is one thing to kill in a duel, to kill in self-defense, to kill for vengeance. It is another thing entirely to kill simply because you are careless.

Worst of all, the inner vault is guarded by a live dragon, attended by fifty naked women armed with poisoned spears, each of them sworn to die in Requin's service. All redheads.
-You're just making that up, Jean.

I don't have to beat you. I don't have to beat you, motherfucker. I just have to keep you here ... until Jean shows up.

Come, then! Face Ravelle! The gods have sent your doom, motherfuckers!

Ah," said Jean, "but when a woman has your heart, she doesn't have poor moods. Only interesting moods ... and more interesting moods.

He said that life boils down to standing in line to get shit dropped on your head. Everyone's got a place in the queue, you can't get out of it, and just when you start to congratulate yourself on surviving your dose of shit, you discover that the line is actually circular.

Go forth now and live, Locke Lamora. Live, uncertain.

I can't name the poison that's killing your friend. But the one that's killing you is called hope.

Let's start wobbling, shall we? said Locke's knees, but this offer was met by a counterproposal from his better judgement to simply freeze up and do nothing, like a man treading water who sees a tall black fin coming straight at him.

I don't need to be reminded that we're up to our heads in dark water. I just want you boys to remember that we're the gods-damned sharks.

We're a different sort of thief here, Lamora. Deception and misdirection are our tools. We don't believe in hard work when a false face and a good line of bullshit can do so much more.

You are! There ain't no Thirteenth! Ain't naught but the Twelve, that's truth! Yeah, I been to Verrar a couple times, met up with lads and lasses

He was bewildered at how quickly he had escaped his old life and fallen into this new one with strangely pleasant crazy people.

Key, crown, child," he muttered. "Well, fuck you, Patience. Three things must you kiss before I let you spook me for good. My boots, my balls, and my ass.

Those prancing little pants-wetters come here to learn the colorful and gentlemanly art of fencing, with its many sporting limitations and its proscriptions against dishonorable engagements. You on the other hand, you are going to learn how to kill men with a sword.

Don Lorenzo and 'Master Eccari' fenced pleasantries for a few moments thereafter; Galdo eventually let himself be skewered with the politest possible version of 'Thanks, but piss off.

As for history, we are living in its ruins. And as for biographies, we are living with the consequences of all the decisions ever made in them. I tend not to read them for pleasure. It's not unlike carefully scrutinizing the map when one has already reached the destination.

I'm sorry," muttered Locke. "I was so keen to come to Tal fucking Verrar." "It's not your fault. We were both eager to hop in bed with the wench; it's just shit luck she turned out to have the clap.

You are learning that what you require and what your frame may endure can be two very different things. If only I could have a solon for every patient who came to me speaking as you do! 'Ibelius, I have smoked Jeremite powders for twenty years and now my throat bleeds, make me well!' 'Ibelius, I have been drunk and brawling all night, and now my eye has been cut out! Restore my vision, damn you.' Why, let us not speak of solons, let us instead say a copper baron per such outburst...I could still retire to Lashain a gentleman!

All of you, get off my damned window now!"
"Shit," Locke muttered from a few feet above and to her left, his eloquence temporarily frightened into submission. "Madam, you're complicating our night, so before we come in and complicate yours, kindly cork you bullshit bottle and close the gods-damned window!"
She looked up, aghast. "Two of you? All of you, get down, get down, get down!"
"Close your window, close your window, close your fucking window!"
"I'll kill both you shitsuckers' huffed Fernez 'I'll drop both you off this fucking
"
There was a marrow-chillingly loud cracking noise, and the trellis shuddered beneath the hands of three men clinging to it.

There was no point in stealing well or wisely if the loot couldn't be stashed somewhere safe.

And for all our sakes, tame that mess on top of your head. Use fire and a poleaxe if you have to.

Enthusiasm is the first step, Artfulness comes later.

When you can't cheat the game, you'd best find a means to cheat the players.

Once a Big Lie was let out in the world, it seemed to grow on its own and needed little tending or worry to bend to the situation.

When someone like you pushes the world, the world pushes back. Other people are likely to get hurt. Am I clear?

That's great, Jean. I'm not just exiled; I'm being plumped up for slaughter.

The water caught the Falselight glimmer like layers of shifting, translucent mirrors and formed split-second works of art in the air, but men cursed it anyway, because it made their heads wet.

Set foot in our house again," said Sofia, "and you'll become a permanent feature in my laboratory.

Mew, the kitten retorted, locking gazes with him. It had the expression common to all kittens, that of a tyrant in the becoming. 'I was comfortable, and you dared to move,' those jade eyes said. 'For that you must die.' When it became apparent to the cat that its two or three pounds of mass were insufficient to break Locke's neck with one mighty snap, it put its paws on his shoulders and began sharing its drool-covered nose with his lips. He recoiled.

You were talking to her before, right?" "Yeah. It was going well. Now it's all strange." "Have you considered extreme, desperate measures like talking to her again?

Not everything that's inevitable is regrettable.

What thieves of wonder are these poor senses.

Blessed is the one who aids a thief, hides a thief, revenges a thief, and remembers a thief, for they shall inherit the night.

Better to say nothing and be thought a fool, than to interfere in the business of wizards and remove all doubt.

I desire you as deeply as I ever have, but I understand that the fervor of a desire is irrelevant to its justice.

Just one question, you arrogant fucking cocksucker" said Locke. "I'll grant the Lamora part is easy to spot; the truth is, I didn't know about the apt translation when I took the name. I borrowed it from this old sausage dealer who was kind to me once, back in Catchfire before the plague. I just liked the way it sounded.
"But what the fuck" he said slowly, "ever gave you the idea that Locke was the first name I was actually born with?

I can't wait to have words with the Gray King when this shit is all finished," Locke whispered. "There's a few things I want to ask him. Philosophical questions. Like, 'How does it feel to be dangled out a window by a rope tied around your balls, motherfucker?

Sure, kid. Look, there's a very old saying in my family: 'Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is another wizard fucking with you.

If you want to write a negative review, don't tickle me gently with your aesthetic displeasure about my work. Unleash the goddamn Kraken.
[on Twitter, July 17, 2012]

Surely you realize," said Patience, "that cats are no great respecters of human opinion.

Hope is what we all build lives for ourselves upon, is it not?

Gods damn you, LOcke,'she whispered. The corners of her eyes glistened.
'Twice now? Look, uh, if I said the wrong thing
'
'No,' she said, wiping at her eyes, trying but failing to do so nonchalantly. 'No, the trouble is you said the right thing.

I keep asking myself," whispered Sabetha, giving Locke's arm a squeeze, "ARE we smarter than that woman's chicken?"
"At the moment, it's an open question," said Locke.

Get serious about telling me where that money is," said Conté, "or I'll kick your ass so hard every piece of shit that falls out of it for the rest of your life will have my gods-damned heel print on it.

It's things like this that makes a ship seem like home. Help you forget what a load of tedious old shit life out here can be.

It's an old Camorri tradition for when a bunch of people are planning something stupid," said Locke. "Actually, we have a lot of traditions for that. You'll find out

You can knock down kingdoms on a whim. What you need is someone to make sure you don't get hit by a carriage when you cross the street.

My name's Jean Tannen, and I'm the ambush.

I require a vacation from all of you, but I'm not leaving Camorr. You five will be making a journey to Espara. I've arranged work there to keep you busy for several months."
"Espara?" said Locke.
"Yes. Isn't it exciting?" The room was quiet. "I thought that might be your response. Look, I tucked a pin into my jacket for this very moment."
Chains drew a silver pin from one of his lapels and tossed it into the air. It hit the floor with the faintest chiming clatter.
"One of those expressions I've always wanted to put to the test," said Chains.

For Calo, Galdo, and Bug

Why do you assume it's something you've done, and something you can undo at will? I'm not some arithmetic problem just waiting for you to show your work properly, Locke. Did

Papa's in a bad way, Locke. I wanted to see you before you saw him - he has some ... things he wishes to discuss with you. I want you to know that whatever he asks, I don't want you ... for my sake ... well, please, just agree. Please him, do you understand?"
"No garrista who loves life has ever tried to do otherwise. You think I'm inclined to walk in on a day like today and deliberately twist his breeches? If your father says 'bark like a dog' I say 'What breed, Your Honour?

Ibelius," said Jean. "If what Locke is doing were lurking about, corpses could be acrobats.

I didn't promise you shit. My dead friends, on the other hand
I made them certain promises I intend to keep.

Well, the gods love a man who laughs at hardship." "Hardship is boring as all hell. Gotta find laughs if you can't stay drunk,

Stand aside, and try not to catch fire if I shed sparks of genius.

Barsavi knew how to create expectations, Locke, and how to use those expectations to mislead those who would harm him.

But this is silly - we could sit here all night contrasting cock-lengths. I say mine is five feet long, you say yours is six, and shoots fire upon command.

Such audacity could never be faked - Locke had to feel it, summon it from somewhere inside, cloak himself in arrogance as though it were an old familiar garment. Locke Lamora became a shadow in his own mind... Locke's complicated lies were this new man's simple truth.

Maybe the one real advantage to getting older is that you have the time to pull your head a little bit farther out of your ass.

Gods, I love this place," Locke said, drumming his fingers against his thighs. "Sometimes I think this whole city was put here simply because the gods must adore crime. Pickpockets rob the common folk, merchants rob anyone they can dupe, Capa Barsavi robs the robbers and the common folk, the lesser nobles rob nearly everyone, and Duke Nicovante occasionally runs off with his army and robs the shit out of Tal Verarr or Jerem, not to mention what he does to his own nobles and his common folk.

Said the reeve to the maid who was fresh to the farm
'Let me show you the beasts of the yard!'
Here's a cow that gives milk, and a pig that's for ham
Here's a cur and a goat and a lamb;
Here's a horse tall and proud, and a well-trained old hawk,
But the thing you should see is this excellent cock!

Careful, Sofia," said Don Lorenzo.

"Don't teach a sailor to shit in the ocean," she muttered.

Nature never deceives us;
it is always we who deceive ourselves.

We carry your precious misery with us like a holy fucking relic.

The world moved in horrifying slow motion; Locke, who was no stranger to a beating, was cursed with the uncanny ability to recognize one just before it ceased to be theoretical.

Familiarity has a way of filing the sharp edges off our feelings for other people. You'll see.

Throwing blondes at Locke Lamora was not unlike throwing lettuce at sharks.

We have a new problem, fresh from the oven and hot as hell.

The sky was a fading red and nothing remained of the day save for a line of molten gold slowly lowering on the western horizon.

I am the king idiot," he muttered, "of all the world's fucking idiots.

But you didn't die."
"Clever lad, to deduce that from such slender evidence after living with me for just three years.

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Land has its pirates, same as the sea,

That's a sweet piece," said Jean, briefly forgetting to be aggravated. "You didn't snatch that off a street."
"No," said Locke, before taking another deep draught of the warm water in the decanter. "I got it from the neck of the governor's mistress."
"You can't be serious."
"In the governor's manor."
"Of all the -"
"In the governor's bed."
"Damned lunatic!"
"With the governor sleeping next to her."
The night quiet was broken by the high, distant trill of a whistle, the traditional swarming noise of city watches everywhere. Several other whistles joined in a few moments later.
"It is possible," said Locke with a sheepish grin, "that I have been slightly too bold.

Like celestial bodies, transiting in their orbits, exerting their influences.

When men and women of arms have bled to secure a time of peace, the very people who most benefit from that peace are also the most likely to forget the bleeding.

No, Mistress of Doubts, I've brought you here to this secluded corner of the city for the nefarious purpose of cooking your dinner myself.

I mean, it's not calling me 'Locke.' It knows my real name.

If your father says 'Bark like a dog,' I say 'What breed, Your Honor?

A troupe learns to play like we all learn to screw, stumbling and jostling until everything's finally in the right place.

Interesting," said Sabetha, "that I mention my own feelings, and you seem to think that what I'm after is reassurance concerning your perceptions.

Anyone in command feigns ease when death is near. We do it for those around us, and we do it for ourselves. We do it because the sole alternative is to die cringing. The difference between an experienced leader and an untested one is that only the untested one is shocked at how well they can pretend when their hand is forced.

Heavens," said Galdo in a deep, dramatic voice, "only one man living could have squeezed forth such a gleaming brown jewel
this is the work of Squatting Calo, the Midnight Shitter!

Got a ship with women and cats aboard, you'll have the finest luck you can hope

Bearded peasant goes in one end of an alley, clean-shaven gentleman comes out the other? Really?" "It's a classic!

The next person who tells me something like, "Squiggle-fuck the rightwise cock-swatter with a starboard jib," is going to get a knife to the throat.

Crooked Warden," said Chains. "Just this morning I was suffering from the delusion that I was handing out the educations here.