Tim Allen Quotes

I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.

If man evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?

I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don't do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn't like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I'd probably eat vegetables.

My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

I have way too many commitments. I get pulled in too many directions and I never seem to be able to satisfy anybody. People get turned on by knowing a celebrity, even my friends and family. They feel that there's something exciting about me, but in reality there's no substance to it. People in airports just hold on to me expecting something and it seems that I always come up empty. It's frustrating because I'm trying to please everybody, and ya just can't do that ... at least I can't.

I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it's one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they're going to want something from me I can't give, or they're going to hurt me.

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

You are a sad, strage little man.

Speeding is like drugs. It makes everything come at you fast, and when you go back to normal driving, safe driving, prudent driving, it seems boring. That's the danger of drugs. At first it's intoxicating, but then the rest of your life you're trying to find that very first time. It never is the same.

Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

I may go back and spice it up with a little bit of the tool stuff and grunting and all that that I know so well. But it feels like I'm rehashing old material. And some of my audiences like that. So I'm there to entertain. I'm not there to make a political statement or anything like that. I'm there to entertain.

My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.

Now the denominator ... why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator ... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it? [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction!

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together.

Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?

If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.

I am a thespian trapped in a man's body.

Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if," so you haven't established or proved without any shadow of a doubt that a woodchuck could chuck wood. Frankly, I believe that they chew wood. I don't think they can chuck wood at all! I take offense to the whole chucking question.

Before Kady was born, I didn't think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

My dad's death reminds me of earthquakes - things that shake your foundation.

Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of Yeah, we might have to reboot.

If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.

One thing you'll never hear boys
or for that matter, men
saying is, Charlie, that's a good-looking shirt. Kind of a fun thing. And those trousers make your ass look nice. Can I borrow those?

The people that hunt are the guys that really vehemently protect the environment. You find that people that live on ranches tend to want to keep it that way, and I've always loved that about the hunters that I've known. They eat what they kill, and they carry it out. They don't shoot for sport.

Dog's listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.

I look at it this way: How much of the day are you awake? You think, "I've gotta get that dry cleaning, I gotta get this going, and this, and this, and this." And all of a sudden it's dinnertime. And then there's a moment of connection with your spouse or your friends. Then you read and go to bed. Wake up and then it's the same all over. You're not awake, you're not living, you're not experiencing. We start early medicating ourselves. We start kids early, on TV and video games and so on.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

I have a thing for tools.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

Anyway, they used to beat up on Barry all the time. They called it roughhousing, which is like men calling lying bullshitting.

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

I'm a pretty solid Christian. But even as an altar boy, I was always asking the bigger questions
you know: if God is, in fact, good, what is all this death I see? And if God is gentle, what is all this suffering I see? I've found some of the answers in Eastern religion. It explained my Christianity to me. Good and evil are the same thing. You can't have one without the other. It's the balance, it's the temperance of things.

When you're 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.

All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.

Convictions and beliefs! .. what do they have to do with religion!

I do a lot of family shows.

There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.

Man is the only animal to borrow tools.

It's true; I have a skill and it's ... it has not related to acting, it's not related to auditions, it's not related to studios, not related to public whim. It's whether I'm funny or not and whether I can entertain people.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, "Dad's an idiot," which lasted a little longer than I'd like.

Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.

For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

If it doesn't say Binford on it, somebody else probably made it.

I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that's a good thing.