Jon Stewart Quotes

Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don't have any of it right now.

Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records?

Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out.
I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq.
We've been following time as it goes forward.
What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.

I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.

People would like to place a standard on our show that doesn't exist. We're not set up for reporting; we don't have an apparatus for that. We're discussing things that hopefully people might get something out of, but it's wildly inconsistent. Just because we hit on points that resonate, or people think are real complaints - that doesn't make us journalists.

Ah, the first rule of public speaking
always start with a joke.

Wait a minute, words in the prompter, script on my desk, vending machine upstairs out of Funyuns ... the writers are back!

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they man.

I feel like [God]'s hazing us.

If someone was to introduce hope and idealism into our political system, I think the tension that would create in other areas would certainly be ripe. You would think that if you bring oxygen to the organism, the organism lives. But there may be other organisms in there that thrive in darkness and in a more anaerobic environment. Watching those creatures writhe will always be interesting.

Newspapers abound, and though they have endured decades of decline in readership and influence, they can still form impressive piles if no one takes them out to the trash.

As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.

I don't think marijuana should be illegal.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.

As heirs to a legacy more than two centuries old, it is understandable why present-day Americans would take their own democracy for granted. A president freely chosen from a wide-open field of two men every four years; a Congress with a 99% incumbency rate; a Supreme Court comprised of nine politically appointed judges whose only oversight is the icy scythe of Death
all these reveal a system fully capable of maintaining itself. But our perfect democracy, which neither needs nor particularly wants voters, is a rarity. It is important to remember there still exist other forms of government in the world today, and that dozens of foreign countries still long for a democracy such as ours to be imposed on them.

So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff.

When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds.

Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter? If I want to follow CNN, I can follow them on CNN.

If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.

It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son.

[Stump speeches] are to oratory what a stump is to a tree.

Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge made that critical leap from 'be afraid' to 'be very afraid,' raising the terrorist threat level to orange for financial sectors in New York, Washington, D.C., and northern New Jersey ... Ridge's announcement comes amidst reports he will step down as head of homeland security after the election. Ridge himself has refused to comment on the story, though colleagues say he has often expressed a desire to spend more time at home, scaring his family.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

People always say, when did you realize you were funny? And I think it's not that you realize you were funny. It's that you're brain works in a certain way. And I don't think that that's - I think in some respects it's uncontrollable, and you can either accept it and deal with it and hone it or you can try to fight it. And I was too weak to fight it.

I always get that cautionary warning right before I get off the phone with an interviewer. It's: 'Good luck with the show. I really like it, and if this goes wrong, you'll be hearing from my attorneys.

Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It's using the energy ...

I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something.

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.

Congress, the legislative stone in America's urethra.

I'm a bit down. Liza Minelli and David Gest, I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man who likes other men and a woman who drinks not get along? The interesting thing is this - there is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minelli.

They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas.

Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that.

In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a ... well, yes I am.

In case you're wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you're all wearing at home.

California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils.

They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

North Korea is making several demands in exchange for giving up their nuclear program, including a promise from America not to attack them. Which is a little strange because for us to attack them we would have to have slam dunk proof that they have weapons of mass destruction. I mean, for Gods sakes people, we're not maniacs. It would have to be an air-tight case. We wouldn't just come in there and start bombing you.

In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedom hole.

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.

The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.

The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. The traditional meal often includes gefilte fish. For those of you who don't know what gefilte fish is, it strongly resembles a ball of tuna fish that has been passed nasally. It's not good. During Passover, the angel of death passed over the Jews - an event that, up until the late 1950s, was re-enacted every year by Ivy League colleges and suburban country clubs.

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.

It has been eleven days, Stephen, eleven fucking days! Eleven! The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public.

What good are images if people understand them?

The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.

There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.

Cause if there's one thing Islamic terrorists don't have is....(seriously thinking about it)....%#@&!

What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square ... It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "sup?"

At the end of your life, do you give a concession speech?

Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?
7/14/09 interview with Peter Mancall, author of Fatal Journey

Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot.
[Hosting the Peabody Awards for broadcasting excellence at the New York Waldorf-Astoria, June 6, 2006]

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff.

You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.

So if you're negative, you live longer? That sounds like a cruel joke.

Al-Qaeda's resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration's math and logic.

Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean was all smiles, well smirks, after picking up the endorsement of former Vice President Al Gore at a rally in Harlem ... Gore went on to praise Dean for taking a tough anti-war stance before the invasion of Iraq and he praised Dean supporters in hopes that will ease his concerns over lack of foreign policy experience, and his lack of support among blacks and Latinos, and his hot temperament, and perceived arrogance, and policy flip-flops, and campaign glitches. Well, there's a lot going on here.

You cannot judge a book by its contents.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Evil is relatively rare; ignorance is epidemic.

[Politicans] are salespeople. Instead of rotisserie ovens they are selling this idea of preemptive war or social-security reforms.

Songwriting is the way of perpetual want. Songwriters are the blessed/cursed people. You will never have a moment's peace in your life. You will always be wanting the next song.

My life was typical. I played a little Little League baseball. I never wanted for food. I always had shoes. I had a room. There were no great tragedies. There were the typical ups and downs but I wouldn' t say it was at all sad. We were Jewish and living in the suburbs so there was a slightly neurotic bent to it, but I can't point to anything where a boy overcame a tragedy to become a comedian. As my grandmother used to say, 'I can't complain.

The view ... from my apartment ... was the World Trade Center ... and now it's gone, they attacked it. This symbol of American ingenuity, and strength, and labor, and imagination and commerce, and it is gone. But you know what? You know what the view is now? The Statue of Liberty. The view from the South of Manhattan is now the Statue of Liberty. You can't beat that!

It's funny how everyone hates witch hunts ... until they see a witch.

That whole thing has been overstated by environmentalists. First of all, what is it, rocks and snow? C'mon, what is that, you want that? Go to Canada my friend. Believe me, rocks and snow are overrated. I've seen otters - they look better covered in oil.

Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now ... Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90's as a commissioner
this is true
of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people.

You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another.

I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?

The danger of oppression is not just being oppressed, it's becoming an oppressor,

The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

I kid because I'm on basic cable.

We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside.

Maybe we should always show pictures. Bin Laden, pictures of our wounded service people, pictures of maimed innocent civilians. We can only make decisions about war if we see what war actually is - and not as a video game where bodies quickly disappear leaving behind a shiny gold coin.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Sometimes it's hard to face your own ... life.

You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

Fire up your heart for the wind is getting cold, now it always gets cold for the riders of the night. When you carry that dream when you know what lonesome is looking for a home like a bird in flight.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims there are no homosexuals in Iran, just like there are no gay conservatives in the US.

I feel your scorn, and I accept it.

President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

I want a sandwich named after me.

I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.

Comedy is the only form of entertainment where the audience doesn't know what to expect. In an evening, you might get ten comics doing ten different things. That's not what happens when you go to hear music. There isn't a classical performance followed by a hoedown followed by rap.

Nobody says, hey men should not drink. It's all about women must dress differently, women must walk differently, women must drink differently. Why are we not able to hold men to account for this behavior?

Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children's television PBS is on the house.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Spain's new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq - meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn.

Everything is presented in as devious a manner as it could possibly be presented.

I think people are used to people in show business having a lot of hubris. I think I have a normal amount of self-loathing but because I'm in show business it's considered self-deprecation. In normal life I would just be considered your average neurotic.