Funny Humour Quotes

Xav sprinkled olive oil on his lettuce. 'Lola was very particular that it all had to fit properly.'
'Lola?' squeaked Diamond. I wanted to warn her not to rise to the bait Xav was dangling in front of her but it was too late.
Xav added some Parmesan and pepper. 'Suspicious, Diamond? You should be. This is a bachelor party I'm organizing, not a school outing, and it is going to tick all of Trace's boxes. Lola is either a very efficient water sports instructor or an exotic dancing girl; I'll leave it your imagination.'
I rolled my eyes at Diamond. 'Myabe she's both. I mean the guys will really go for that, I guess. Don't worry,Di, Luigi and his crew will not disappoint us girls.' Luigi was in fact Contessa Nicoletta's little bespectacled chef with whom I had been consulting about the menu for Friday, but the Benedicts weren't to know that. 'He has promised to provide something suitably spicy for our tastes. ~ Joss Stirling

She looked like a tomato struggling for self-expression. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z. ~ Darynda Jones

You dance?"
"I think that might be overly optimistic," he said. "I do something. I'll try not to hurt you. ~ Robyn Carr

Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?"
"Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth."
"Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms. ~ MaryJanice Davidson

I wash the clothes, rinse them and then scrub them again. Will that square little box do that? I am not using any fancy machines when my hands will do. ~ Renita D'Silva

Sarah is the most enthusiastic cynical person on the planet. She'd be the perfect cheerleader if she weren't so disgusted by the notion of school spirit. ~ Jandy Nelson

I remember calling the council's cemetery department to ask about body decomposition in different soil types. Once they had verified that I was a novelist and not a sicko, they were extremely helpful. ~ Sara Sheridan

Luis is right there. I point to the corner of the yard, where my little brother is the centre of attention doing imitations of barnyard animals. I have yet to inform him that talent isn't as much of a chick magnet when you get into junior high. ~ Simone Elkeles

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I said alone!"
He nodded in agreement. "Aye, you usually say that, and I still stay. It's our way. ~ Kresley Cole

I often say if men were meant to fly we would have been born with either feathers and wings or at the very least parachutes that pop out of our butts. ~ John Zakour

It doesn't matter what your boss thinks as long as he doesn't cry. ~ Gerry Geek

The Duchess looked at Chloe with a look that said, You had the chance to tell him, but you chose to carry on the lie.
How do I know that the Duchess's look said this? Because there is an excellent book in my local library entitled One Thousand Doggy Expressions Explained by Professor L. Stone.
I digress. ~ David Walliams

All he'd done was lose her underwear and practically get her blown up.
Hell. This had to be the absolute worst first date of her life. ~ Tara Janzen

Can you put your hands on my crotch?"
"Why, hell no, I cannot." I didn't remember anything like this happening in Pride and Prejudice. ~ Jennifer Echols

Wow," she said. "Do you realise how wonderful you sound?"
"Yes, I do," he said with a firm nod. "And I think I'm underappreciated. ~ Robyn Carr

Unexpected Elizabeth wasn't falling into his arms as he'd anticipated, even after he had acted heroic and been valiantly injured. Perhaps he had lost her. ~ Kresley Cole

You're a talking cat?" Endora asked with a look of disbelief on her face.
"My, my, my, aren't you the bright bulb of the bunch," he replied with a bit of snarky smugness. "Tell me then, bright-bulb, do you suppose that I need your permission to talk just because I'm a cat?" He raised his paw to his face, admiring his newly gnawed manicure. After he observed the last nail, he slapped his paw down on the floorboards, making a low thud sound. "Because I don't," he smirked.
Endora was taken by surprise at his rudeness. She stared back at him, speechless and not quite sure how to respond.
"Are you a magic cat?" Mila busted in with a question that seemed as silly to her as to the cat.
He glared and narrowed his eyes at her. "A magic cat," he said, standing up to arch his furry back. "Is my talking some sort of magic to you? If it is… then I am." He stretched his back higher and let out a long purr that turned into, "Purrhaps, you four little witchy girls should clearly refine your meaning of magic so you know what it means before you say the word magic."
"I rather am quite fond of talking cats," Selena said with a big smile. "Of course, you're the first one I've ever seen."
The cat narrowed its eyes tighter. "Indeed," he said, letting out a yawn as if the whole conversation were a bore. He leapt off the porch and dash away, mumbling and grumbling his way down the corridor.
Selena looked over at Endora. "Rude little snot, isn't he?" she said. ~ Sophie Palmer

I suddenly realize that I'm naked, which shouldn't bother me since it's the phone, but for some reason it does.
"How's it hanging?" Kyra asks and now I think I'm blushing. It's just an expression, but jeez! ~ Barry Lyga

This is Sailor Supergirl," George says. "She knows all about black holes. ~ Huntley Fitzpatrick

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear. ~ Suzanne Collins

When life gives you lemons ask it for sugar and water too. Otherwise your final product would be some acidic lemon juice! ~ Priyavrat Gupta

It's a very small object to be capable of doing many wonderful things, don't you think?"
"It does much more that that," Valkyrie said, opening up a game and showing it to him.
His eyes widened. "What wonder is this?"
"It's called Angry Birds. Now do you believe me? ~ Derek Landy

Hey," Shayne said through the door. "You going to stay in there all night, because we're getting tired of trying to eavesdrop from out here. Can't hear a damn thing. ~ Jill Shalvis

I had shaved my beard for her-a huge disappointment, because I'd enjoyed my three weeks looking like a bank robber. ~ Jennifer Echols

Can I brush your hair? she asked as she led the way, her disposition doing a 180 on a dime. Kids. Can't live with 'em. Can't eat 'em for lunch. ~ Darynda Jones

Don't make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male ~ Keisha Keenleyside

There is none so troubled as one who thinks himself perfectly sane. ~ Lois Greiman

A text pops up on the screen. It's from Luis. I can't help but grin when I read his perfectly thought-out message.
Luis: Hey ~ Simone Elkeles

As I stepped onto the gloomy landing a word formed in my mind: two syllables, starts with a V and rhymes with dire. I froze in place. Nightingale said that everything was true, after a fashion, and that had to include vampires, didn't it? I doubted they were anything like they were in books and on TV, and one thing was for certain - they absolutely weren't going to sparkle in the sunlight. ~ Ben Aaronovitch

Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, "Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers?" Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really
good point, they should ... fix that. It's good to know that somebody finally gets me! ~ Bo Burnham

So? I know lots of beautiful women. Nova wanted to chase ... I merely obliged her by running. ~ D.D. Chant

I'm just not ready to give myself up, Sammy. I mean, there's something perfect about virginity, and I haven't found someone who deserves to take that perfection from me ... "
"You're loco, Carlos. Insane. Totally crazy ... Most guys think they're imperfect for still being virgins past the age of seventeen. ~ Zack Love

Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree. ~ Lois Greiman

I've brought you some things from home,' I said, gesturing at the bag on the floor. 'Some clothes and books – things like that.'
'Books – great! That'll make things easier. You know I can't read worth a damn right now!'
'There's also some music. Schubert's fifth, Mendelssohn's third, Mozart's Clarinet Concerto, Mahler's fourth - '
'I would have preferred his sixth.'
'You're not well enough for his sixth'. ~ Gavin Extence

The brain can be a dangerous thing. Even more so if you haven't got one. ~ Dave Courtney

I want you to know, chickens aren't sexy. Not to me."
This was met with silence.
"Are you there?" She was slurring her words now, which was embarrassing, so she took a deep breath. "Cam? Can you hear me?"
"Yes, chickens aren't sexy. Uh ... I don't think they're meant to be. ~ Jill Shalvis

Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I'm going to ask you to sit still, or I'll put you in the trunk. ~ Anna White

She now represents the Western United States, thus proving politics is even more accepting of the strange, unusual, and mostly useless than the music industry. ~ John Zakour

Peyton, I'm not married and you're not a lesbian. Think of the possibilities. ~ Robyn Carr

He[Crystal's father] had found my height amusing, referring to me as his "little girl" at every opportunity even though I could see the bald patch on top of his head fringed by curls when we stood side by side. ~ Joss Stirling

You have buttered your bread. Now you must lie on it. ~ Beverly Rycroft

Besides, take away self-interest and you condemn the species to extinction, that's my motto! ~ X

I could still box your ears."
"Nonsense," he scoffed. "You couldn't reach that high. ~ Anne Gracie

There are children in Africa, starving to death, and you don't hear them whinging. ~ Tim Minchin

I had a horrible feeling my leg was broken. If it wasn't, it had a lot of explaining to do. ~ Darynda Jones

He should probably make love to her. ~ Tara Janzen

Brooke?" he finally found the sense to ask. "What are you doing here?"
"I need a gun."
This was not how his dream was supposed to go. ~ Shannon K. Butcher

I'll always be your friend," he said. "Your best friend, if you let me. But I want to be your lover, too." He groaned and shifted in his chair. "Soon. I want to be that soon." Then a look came over him. "Oh Gina ... I didn't even court you! God, I should date you first before I beg you to take off your clothes! ~ Robyn Carr

Jake became excruciatingly aware of her, there, right behind him. The small grunts and groans as she placed each foot carefully on the slick ground reverberated in his gut. He wanted to turn around and tell her to shut the hell up.
She sounded as though she was having sex.
Good sex. ~ Cherry Adair

It doesn't matter if it's the real world or fictional," I insisted. "Crushes are the best part of liking someone, and they are completely safe. You get all the benefits of fantasising about someone, but none of the he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not drama. It's all the good parts with none of the parts that make you lie awake at night all angsty. ~ Liz Czukas

Cut the crap and tell me what color panties you're wearing. ~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

There's always time for arguin' when you're a Fuentes. ~ Simone Elkeles

She has to agree to have me. It could take some time, but I'm confident I can trick her into it. ~ Robyn Carr

Ye are a scoundrel, a black-hearted robber and a rogue,' Stubble said cheerily to the grumbling captain. It was his usual way of haggling, and he'd beaten down the riverman to a decent price for conveying himself and Anvar to Lankarn. ~ Ian Livingstone

Oh no?" he sneered, pulling a packet of cigarettes from his pocket and lighting one up. "Knowing what you're like, the slightest sign of a discarded cigarette butt and you would've been crawling around on your hands and knees trying to figure out how tall the smoker was, how old he was, what zodiac sign he was, whether he'd taken a crap that morning, and Christ knows what else. ~ Tim O'Rourke

Cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin' in your house, I'd kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder. ~ Simone Elkeles

Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead. ~ Doug MacLeod

Why, that means you're just a ... busybody. You could be anyone. You could be a journalist.' ~ Sara Sheridan

My name is Mr Bread." He began writing his name neatly on the board. "But you can call me Peter."
Suddenly there was quiet, as thirty little brains whirred.
"Pita Bread!" proclaimed a ginger-haired boy from the back. ~ David Walliams

His fingers lightly grazed my cheek. "I didn't know you before. When you're not there, I can't concentrate. I'm wondering where you are, what you're doing ... if you're there and I can see you, I can see you, I can focus. I know it's crazy, but that's how it is."
"And crazy is exactly the way I like it," I said, leaning up to kiss his lips.
"Obviously," America muttered under breath. ~ Jamie McGuire

When they're together, the world could fall apart around them and they'd never notice or care as long as they have each other.
About Alex and Brittany. ~ Simone Elkeles

Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother. ~ Katie McGarry

Big surprise, I put you to sleep. Don't feel bad. It happens all the time. ~ Robyn Carr

If I let you go are you going to hit me again?"
"What do you think?"
"Then I'm not going to let you go. ~ Sarah Mayberry

He'd done it like he did everything else - with passion and total disregard for how much it might embarrass her. ~ Kaylea Cross

You should get a better boyfriend. One with an IQ higher than a turnip. ~ Robyn Carr

You look like a hot tamale."
"That's not really a compliment. ~ Simone Elkeles

Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's. ~ Jonathan Tropper

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

You can make fun of yourself and people will laugh at you. If you're smart, you'll end up as a comedian. If you're not, you'll end up as a clown. ~ Ljupka Cvetanova

Say, 'Thank you, Phin.' "
"Oh, please."
"Say, Thank youvery much, Phin. "
"I don't think so."
"Say, 'You are a great lover, Phin.' "
"I'm out of here. ~ Jennifer Crusie

You know what's awkward?" David asked, the corner of his mouth lifting.
"Our entire existences?"
Now the grin was real. "That," he acknowledged. "And when you make a big, dramatic gesture because you think you're going to die, and then you-"
"Don't die," I finished for him, and he nodded.
"Exactly. Not that I'm not one hundred percent psyched that we didn't die, but ... ~ Rachel Hawkins

She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot. ~ Sarah Mayberry

I wanted to remind you that you do not allow me to deliver boats, as I have been known to crash them. ~ Jennifer Echols

I'm sorry, I don't understand. Could you tell me more about this 'profanity'?"
Mrs. Miller nodded at my dictionary. "I'll assume you don't need a definition. Perhaps you'd prefer an example?"
"That would be so helpful, thank you very much."
Without missing a beat, Mrs. Miller rattled off a stream of obscenities so fully and completely unexpected that I fell off my chair. Mothers were defiled, their male and female children, as well as any and all offspring who just happened to be born out of wedlock. AS for the sacred union that produced these innocent babes, the pertinent bodily appendages were catalogued by a list of names so profoundly scurrilous that a grizzled marine, conceived in a brothel and dying of a disease he contracted in one, would've wished he'd been born as smooth as a Ken doll. The act itself was invoked with such a verity of incestuous, scatological, bestial, and just plain bizarre variations that that same marine would've given up on the Ken doll fantasy, and wished instead that all life had been confined to a single-cell stage, forever free of taint of mitosis, let alone procreation.
Somewhere during the course of all this I noticed I'd snapped my pencil in half, and now I used the two ends to gouge out my brain.
"Guhhhhhh guhhhhh guhhhhhh guhhhhh guhhhhh," I said, by which I meant: "You have shattered whatever tattered remnants of pedagogical propriety I still possessed, and my tender young mind has broken beneath the strain." N ~ Dale Peck

He couldn't just come right out with it, could he? No, that would scare her off. He had to be subtle, build up to it. Explain himself.
"I love you."
Of course, straight to the point was also an effective strategy. ~ Sarah Mayberry

I've been fighting to be who I am all my life. What's the point of being who I am, if I can't have the person who was worth all the fighting for? ~ Stephanie Lennox

Data is your Beta... ~ Kshitij Bhatia

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up. ~ Marian Keyes

Never follow the crowd ...
Until and unless you're crossing the road ... ~ Sanhita Baruah

Well, pardon me for not knowing about the thermal-only panty rule," I said, smirking as he dipped his head to nuzzle one of the silky bra cups. "I'll rush right out and buy some long johns."
Pausing to look up with perfect sincerity, he promised, "If you do, I will weep. Like a little girl. In public. ~ Molly Harper

Sarah, honey, I hardly think kidnappers are going to take the time to buy a memento of their stay. I could be wrong, but it seems rather unlikely. ~ Christine Feehan

I meant to be nice, but there were so many other options. ~ Anonymous

He's all right. His hair is cute."
Jonas froze, his lobster fork halfway to his mouth. " Oh my God, you're in love."
"I'm not in love."
"'his hair is cute'? You never say anything nice about anyone. Coming from you, cute hair is a mating call."
" I talked to the guy for thirty seconds. And then he waved at me while i was in the tank."
"Holy fuck, you're getting married, aren't you!"
" Will you simmer. I certainly am not. ~ MaryJanice Davidson

When I turn back to Jase, he's again beaming at me. "You're nice." He sounds pleased, as if he hadn't expected this aspect of my personality. ~ Huntley Fitzpatrick

He tends to go for girls who are-Shelby, honey? Put your hands over your ears for just a sec." Back into the phone he said, "He likes the real slutty ones. Ow!" he yelled when he received a whop to the back of the head. ~ Robyn Carr

When he stepped back, I cradled the cups so my moobs spilled into them, and said, "I don't even need the implants."

"For the zillionth time," Lydia said, "they're not 'implants.' We're not performing surgery here, though if you use that word one more time, I might be tempted to get out an X-acto knife and make your wish come true."

I clasped the bra closer to my chest. ~ Zoe X. Rider

Tell me, Lothaire, I want to know. Convince me why I should love you."
"Because any other female would! ~ Kresley Cole

Why should I ignore them? In my own house? Spiteful snobs! I've appalling taste, do I? I'm skeletal, am I? Anyone would look skeletal next to them. They are both starting to look like porkers! As soon as I go down, I'm going to mention it. I'm going to particularly point out Isolde's thunder thighs. I suppose it's appalling good taste to display them in such tight jeans. I'm going to ask how she even got into those pants without splitting the seams. ~ Sonal Panse

We're adults. I might be a little more of an adult if you're counting years but I bet I have a lower IQ, so that puts us pretty much even. ~ Robyn Carr

Jocelyn even had a graceful way of walking that made people turn their heads to watch her go by. Clary, by contrast, was always tripping over her feet. The only time people turned to watch her go by was when she hurtled past them as she fell down stairs. ~ Cassandra Clare

When would he learn that women never stayed where you put them? ~ Maya Banks

If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable. ~ Darynda Jones

Here you are. Would you like some pickles?"
"Pickles gives me the wind something awful."
"In that case - "
"Oh, I wasn't saying no," Mistress Weatherwax said, taking two large pickled cucumbers. ~ Terry Pratchett

Three Denises wobbled in front of her, all of them watching her with fond concern. You're a sweetie. I appreciate you cheering me on from the sidelines. But I think I need to go to the bathroom now and throw up. ~ Sarah Mayberry

Excuse me for a moment, will ye. I think I have to talk to the river,' he said unsteadily and flopped over the side-rail. ~ Ian Livingstone

I glared at him. "You didn't leave me alone for five minutes, you left me alone for a week. I could have hacked myself to pieces if there's been more than one mango in the house. You could have come home to a very gory scene. The press would have had a field day ... Gay Houseboy In Mango Tragedy. Bears arrested for leaving cub unattended for seven, almost eight whole days with an armed and dangerous killer mango roaming loose about the house."
"I'd mercifully forgotten just how much of a loquacious tripe peddler you can be," Shane took me by the shoulders and kissed me on the lips ... ~ Gillibran Brown

Scotland is a soggy sort it place, where birds and animals walk around uncooked ~ Peedie William