Funny Jokes Quotes

Since I was a kid, I could make up stories, I could make up funny jokes and I could always do it. When I'm walking down the street or having dinner, ideas will hit me, and I write them down on matchbooks or napkins and throw them in the draw. ~ Woody Allen

There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes. ~ Fred Allen

It's like love making, the foreplay is the biggest part, the same thing as comedy. If you can frame your show in such a way that the funny jokes become funnier. ~ Tommy Chong

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime. ~ Jon Stewart

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be. ~ Emo Philips

Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock ... Who's There?.. Little endorphin ... Little endorphin who? ... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

I was worried on a personal level because I wanted to be slightly taller than I am, ideally. But I've now accepted it. Basically, I came to the conclusion a while ago that you can either be really bitter about it or you can make loads of funny jokes. ~ Daniel Radcliffe

What I do know is I've got a brain filled with jokes I can't forget - like a tumor the size of a grapefruit inside of my skull. And I know that eventually even dog shit turns white and stops stinking, but I have this permanent head filled with crap I've been trained my whole life to think is funny. ~ Chuck Palahniuk

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet. ~ Oliver Herford

I'm about being funny. If I can make a joke using profanity, I will. But for the most part, that can get awfully old and boring. ~ Howard Stern

I often fake my death and then just show up at people's houses. They say 'that's a good one Thom' but I know maybe they don't really think it's a funny joke. ~ Thom Yorke

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. ~ Mitch Hedberg

In the 1998 Oscars, I found myself in the bathroom in a stall, next to Tom Selleck. So I leaned over and I said 'looks like we're a couple of peeing Toms. His angry silence is something I'll never forget. ~ Tom Hanks

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. ~ Daniel Tosh

You saw some lad with a face that'd got camels written all over it, and when he opened his mouth it'd turn out he had an Ankhian accent so thick you could float rocks. Oh, there's all the jokes about funny food and foreigners, but surely . . . Not very funny jokes, come to think of it. When you hear the bang, there's no time to wonder how long the little fuse has been fizzing. ~ Terry Pratchett

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them. ~ Daniel Tosh

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep. ~ Daniel Tosh

I have a really analytical approach to art. And the whole idea that you can't analyze what makes a joke funny ... I do not agree with that at all. ~ David Rees

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Comedy's so subjective, and if someone comes to watch, doesn't get it, doesn't find it funny, then fine. ~ Johnny Vegas

Perspective is a funny thing. You think your back is to the wall, then something worse corners you, and the first threat looks puny in comparison. ~ Karen Marie Moning

I don't really need to be dirty to be funny. ~ Jimmy Kimmel

What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act! ~ Alan Carr

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." ~ Steven Wright

I didn't do it to you, I did it to her. Maybe
your past self thinks it's funny."
"She doesn't."
"That's not my fault. Besides, I'm not a mind
reader. You expect me to realize you're
speaking on behalf of all Lucindas ever, every time you talk.
You never said anything about not razzing
your past lives. It's all in good fun. For me, anyway. ~ Lauren Kate

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Nature makes only dumb animals. We owe the fools to society. ~ Honore De Balzac

Good things come to those who hustle ~ Chuck Noll

Funny that. We live in islands of Hours and we never seem to have time enough for anything ... ~ Clive Barker

If you're ever feeling a lack of middle-aged white men, just pop into the Capitol. Not so much the House of Representatives, which has a bit more color and texture, but the Senate
jeez. Yes, let's have more testosterone running the country.
Maximum Ride, School's Out
Forever ~ James Patterson

I sometimes find that in interviews you learn more about yourself than the person learned about you. ~ William Shatner

You certainly do heal fast. But you'll still have some impressive bruises, so if I were you I'd avoid your father for the rest of the night."
"I'll just tell him you abuse me," Helen said with a shrug. She jumped off the examining table.
"And I'll tell him you like it," he teased back. ~ Josephine Angelini

Poverty is a funny phenomenon. It is always defined financially and always relative to what other people earn. It is possible to be extremely happy despite having little money and being officially categorised as poverty-stricken. You can also be really unhappy despite earning a high salary. Those who always want something more will always live in poverty, regardless of how much they earn, while those who are content with what they have will always feel they have an abundance. Most poverty in the UK isn't material poverty, it's spiritual poverty, a state of mind in which fulfilment comes only from the pursuit of material gain. ~ Mark Boyle

We play and tease, but―darn it―he has not dragged me into the rain and kissed me senseless yet. And that's how it's supposed to happen. I know; I read romance novels. ~ Shari L. Tapscott

The Iraqi troops and the Iraqi fighters are in control of all the places, as we have witnessed, no big change in that. We are fighting against them. ~ Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf

There is a joke that I use all the time. I say it to my kids. I used to say it to my wife. She'd be talking to me about something very serious and then I would just look at her and go "Where are you from originally?" And she would go "Humphhh! C'mon. That's terrible!" ~ Stanley Tucci

Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? "I'm in a box ... and I ain't gonna eat.". "I'm in a box ... and I ain't gonna eat!!" That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects! ~ Chris Rock

I saw my ex-husband in the street. I was sitting on the steps of the new library.
Hello, my life, I said. We had once been married for twenty-seven years, so I felt justified.
He said, What? What life? No life of mine. ~ Grace Paley

Legion hissed like a startled cat, the noise scraping at Reyes's skin. "Me no boy. You think me a boy?"
Everyone stopped, stared. Even Aeron.
Reyes was the first to find his voice. "You're a ... girl?"
A nod. "Me pretty."
"Yes, you are." Reyes exchanged a glance with Lucien. "Beautiful. ~ Gena Showalter

Pause while reading a book only in case of two things:
1. To kiss
2. To sip coffee
Too bad both are a luxury. ~ Saleem Sharma

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? ~ Steven Wright

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I am who I am and I say what I think. I'm not putting a face on for the record. ~ Eminem

Paddy Eagan, stay away from falling signs for a bit and you'll be as right as rain come the weekend. ~ Elizabeth C. Bunce

Your ... Your aura. It's ... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today ... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'
I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex? ~ Richelle Mead

Emma, okay, enough with the singing. Mommy's getting a three-pill headache. ~ Jeff Abbott

Jackie laughed, although she didn't find it funny. There are other reasons for laughter. ~ Joseph Fink

What's that around your neck?" asked Emily.
"It's a golden star." Said Reed.
"What did you get it for?"
"Chemistry class."
"What's the star for?" the shadow asked, Usually stars represent a straight A student.
"You get it for having greatness. But Emily doesn't know what that is." He said, answering the shadows question and looking at Emily.
"Greatness, what's greatness?" Emily asked, all wide eyed, and clueless looking
"It's when you do really awesome stuff, and people recognize you for it."
"Oh, no" Emily laughed ."No, I don't know what that is. ~ Rumi Antoinette

It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.' ~ Lewis Black

During a photo-call with fellow Olympic gold medallist Duncan Goodhew- Pity Steve Ovett didn't show up. Then we could have had the good, the bald and the ugly. ~ Daley Thompson

The real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold mutton. ~ Cecil Rhodes

I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life. ~ Zach Galifianakis

Are you there God? It's me, Margaret. ~ Judy Blume

Soon after Justine Sacco's shaming, I was talking with a friend, a journalist, who told me he had so many jokes, little observations, potentially risqué thoughts, that he wouldn't dare to post online anymore.

'I suddenly feel with social media like I'm tiptoeing around an unpredictable, angry, unbalanced parent who might strike out at any moment,' he said. 'It's horrible.'

He didn't want me to name him, he said, in case it sparked something off.

We see ourselves as nonconformist, but I think all of this is creating a more conformist, conservative age.

'Look!' we're saying. 'WE'RE normal! THIS is the average!'

We are defining the boundaries of normality by tearing apart the people outside of it. ~ Jon Ronson

We combine our three packs of pasta for dinner – pesto. We tip the dried stuff into a pan, add water and simmer.
We try it, looking at each other with disbelief as it hits the tastebuds. 'It's pesto, Jim, but not as we know it,' I say.
'Fascinating,' says Lou, unsmiling humouring my Star Trek reference, while wincing at the foul food. (And what made me say that? Is there such a thing as a dad-joke vacuum that needs to be filled, even in the wild?) ~ Fiona Wood

You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.'
'And yet it is still extremely funny. ~ Cecelia Ahern

Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives. ~ Robert Collier

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. ~ Red Skelton

Justin Timberlake is everything, and what more could you want in a person? He's funny. He's cute. He's great. He just understands. I get him and he gets me, and that's cool. ~ Britney Spears

But then again, they
were like baby Einsteins on crack. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Jules stood up and stretched gracelessly. "Let's hurry up and pay before she"-she indicated Claire with a flick of her thumb-"sees something shiny and we lose her again. ~ Kimberly Derting

It's what they've got planned for this whole town, a big Disneyland imitation of itself. Wholesome family fun, kiddies in the casinos, Go Fish with a table limit of ten cents, Pat Boone for a headliner, nonunion actors playing funny mafiosi, driving funny old-fashioned cars, making believe rub each other out, blam, blam, ha, ha, ha. LasfuckinVegasland. ~ Thomas Pynchon

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. ~ Mae West

Dear Diary
Went out shopping today. Picked up half a dozen sheep, two pigs, and a princess. The sheep are rather depressingly thin, the pigs and princess only slightly less so. Dear Diary
Went out shopping today. Picked up half a dozen sheep, two pigs, and a princess. The sheep are rather depressingly thin, the pigs and princess only slightly less so. ~ Tad Williams