Tucker Max Quotes

I'm a decent-looking guy, but I've never walked into a room and got a girl because of how I looked. Look, I'm never excluded because of my looks. I just don't stand out.

I'm fresh out of fucks to give.

As a general rule, whenever guys have problems approaching girls, it's because they're afraid of rejection or they're afraid of something specific. The way that you get over a fear like that is you figure out what the worst is that can happen.

I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds.

My writing is authentic, and whatever happens in my life is what I write about.

You show me a truly funny girl who doesn't have emotional issues, and I'll introduce you to my stable of unicorn thoroughbreds ridden by leprechaun jockeys.

Tell beautiful women they are smart, and smart women they are beautiful.

The vast majority of all consequences, especially in 21st century America, are completely meaningless bullshit.

I'm sorry, but I stand by my decision. I am now a member of the elite club of people that have fought a professional team mascot. You sir, are not in that club.

Hey man, so can you speak to dolphins and pilot whales with that forehead of yours?

She was quite promiscuous, to the point where dating her was similar to the experience of sitting on a warm toilet seat:

Having a soft major is nowhere near the career death sentence that so many make it out to be. The world is changing, and the U.S. economy with it. Our economy is shifting to a service- and information-based economy, and soft majors are already becoming more and more valuable.

SlingBlade: If you EVER speak ill of the McGriddle again I will personally force-feed you one while I fuck you in the butt using the wrapper as a condom and then donkey punch you when the infused syrup nuggets explode in your mouth.

Frankly, I'd rather make a little bit less money if it means living in a better world for books and publishing in the future.

The result of my hard work is that I'm financially independent, I have an amazing life, and I can do whatever I want. I don't have to answer to anybody.

Anything that reflects the human condition back on humans in the entertainment medium is art.

Did you hear the nonsensical prattle spewing from her pie-hole?

I want someone who is my partner in life. Who supports me, and I support her. I can share all my experiences in life with her, and she can share hers back with me. Not only do we love each other, but we accept, embrace, nurture, and care for each other.

Here's to the women we've met, and to the women we've fucked, And to those amongst us who've had no such luck. Here's to beer in the glass, and vodka in the cup, Here's to pokin' her in the ass, so she won't get knocked up. Here's to all of you, and here's to me, Together as friends we'll always be, But if we should ever disagree, Then FUCK ALL OF YOU, HERE'S TO ME!

I've come to learn that what really matters is the relationship, the quality of the relationship.

If you want to be seen as courageous by some and hated by others, just say what you really think.

Earl "The Goat" Manigault was probably the greatest basketball player of all time, but Michael Jordan is universally regarded as the best ever. This is because The Goat only did it at Rucker Park, while Michael did it where it mattered: in front of the world.

The dumbest women I hooked up with were in Florida. I lived in Florida for a year, and it was just shocking. I literally felt like after living there for a couple months that I had become stupider. It was unbelievable. If you read my stories based around crazy women, about 75 percent of those women were in Florida ...and I only lived there for a year.

No one has probably helped me more with my narcissism than my dog.

I think 20th century media were about tricking people - and the beauty of the Internet is you can't lie anymore.

My buddies and I, we all went to law school together, and once we started working in different cities, we all did crazy stuff, and we'd write e-mails to each other about the stuff we would do. And my friends thought my e-mails were really funny and they said, "Dude, why don't you put this up on a Web site. You know people would love to read this."

The rules your parents teach you to live by are very different than the rules the world actually runs by. Most of the conventional wisdom is not only wrong, it's a lie told to us by people who want to control us. It doesn't help us, it helps them. Pretty much everything we're told as children (and adults, really) by the established power structures in our lives are made up fairytales us to reinforce that control: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy, fat-free frozen dinners, religion, and metering lights on the highway
the list goes on

Hollywood, it's just like high school. Whoever is pretty and popular, everyone wants to be with.

It's like a mini Bourbon Street with less culture and more disgusting hookers.

Obviously, I love Japanese food. My favorite TV show of all time, without exception, is 'Iron Chef.' Not the stupid American version; 'Iron Chef' Japanese; the real one, the one that was on in Japan ... my DVR for years was set to record almost every single 'Iron Chef' episode.

The Big Five publishing companies are dinosaurs trying to survive in a post-meteor world. They won't.

I have tons of fans in Canada. I've sold hundreds of thousands of books there.

Of course, I'm not a doctor; I just watch a lot of ER and House.

Critics stopped being relevant when they stopped writing to inform and contextualize, and when they started writing to signal who they are, to display their identity by their stance on what they are writing about. Criticism should never be about the critic, but thats what it has become, and that's why no one cares about them anymore.

We can't get kicked out of McDonald's! This is like the DMZ of drunk eating.

If your parents ignored you, or if they are just not emotionally available, or if they yell a lot, that is a type of trauma.

I never felt pressured to create more stories, but dealing with people became really aggravating.

Helping reproductive services doesn't just help women in isolation. It helps men just as much.

Calling one thing 'literature' and another 'fiction' is a way to create status where there is none.

My path to wisdom began when I stopped pretending to know things I didn't know. When I explicitly admitted to the limits of my knowledge, stopped building on ambiguity and ignorance, and instead realized that I knew nothing, not even the things I thought I knew.

My favorite random email I got was from some guy who wrote: Mr. Max, with the hope of a six year old on the night before Christmas asking about Santa, I ask the same question: Do you really exist?

If you just don't have any idea what you want to do, the worst thing you can do is go to law school. If you can go to college, maybe it's fine to have four years of fun and learn a little bit, that's okay, but if you have to go two hundred thousand dollars in debt, that's not something I would recommend.

What people who don't create don't understand, is that once you take money from the machine, the machine [movie industry] owns you.

I think that there's a lot of guys out there that want to read the equivalent of chick lit, but really there's not being much written for them.

Getting offended is a great way to avoid answering questions that make you sound dumb.

Halloween revolves around delicious candy, excessive alcohol, and horny women dressed as sluts. This also describes my vision of Heaven.

I was not developmentally disabled, but didn't mature at the same rate other kids did.

WAKE UP! WE'RE LATE FOR DRINKING!!

Most of my success, I feel, comes from being a good editor as opposed to a great writer.

I hated being a lawyer and I wanted to like myself and like my job.

Books are so cheap and easy to get that people don't bother stealing them, which is the essential rule of piracy that the music business learned much too late.

It is better to ask for forgiveness then permission.

Leave it up to hipster nerds to pretend to hate something that they actually want

Yinzer: DAMN!! I wish I had your balls! Tucker:I wish you had a breath mint, but I guess we don't always get what we wish for.

General reader feedback is usually pretty worthless. 99% of people give feedback that is irrelevant, stupid, or just flat out wrong. But that 1% of people who give good feedback are invaluable.

Failure either ruins you, or turns you into the man you can become.

Tucker: You guys going to Milwaukee? Guy: Yes sir, heading home after a vacation. Tucker: Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee? [The man and his wife are silent and confused.] Tucker: HUNDREDS OF THEM!

The only thing that someone could say about me that would hurt me would be something that's true that I don't want to be.

Look, I know everything is shitty right now, but if you don't stop acting like such a bitch, someones gonna fuck that pussy on your face.

I'm not even the coolest one of my friends. I'm just the guy who sat down and wrote everything down. Like I know plenty of people who do crazier stuff than I do.

Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me"
Tucker: "I don't understand the question.

Mexico is a lawless place. I don't care what the UN says, or what the State Department travel advisories tell you. The fact is that Mexico, as a whole, is a narco-state run by powerful regional cartels, with a hollow and largely irrelevant central government that is nothing more than window-dressing to appease the international community. Freedom is for those who can afford it, law is for sale, and what is fair is determined by who is most powerful. That's the reality of Mexico. Cancun, Playa, Cabo, Puerto Vallarta- they are all much better than the interior of Mexico, but that is only because their survival depends on a steady flow of tourists with money to burn. To protect that, the government does a good job maintaining the appearance of western-style law and order through the direct threat of massive military intervention. Underneath it all, those places are not much different from the rest of Mexico.

There are fun nights, there are crazy nights, and then there are those nights that make men legends.

You can't fill your emails with crap, at least not with my friends, because they're brutal. If something sucks, they'll tell you.

Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as 'deserving' respect; you get what you demand from people.

No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff.

People, heed my warning: That stuff is Specials Olympics in a pint glass. You think they are harmless and not very strong, and the next thing you know it is an hour later and you are in the bathroom of the bar with your pants off, surrounded by five girls, giving your boxers to a bachelorette party because one of the girls is cute and told you that you had a nice butt. Be forewarned.
- from the Austin Road Trip story

I'm not West Coast at all. I was born in Atlanta, but I grew up in Kentucky, outside of Lexington, in Winchester.

8:58 We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT!JUST ORDER!

Corporate tweets are like one robot talking to another.

I've never really had a media edifice supporting me.

I think I just pick really smart and motivated people to work with - people who are probably going to do great things anyway - and I just teach them what I know, maybe teach them how to think a little clearer than they did before, and then off they go.

You can't do anything yourself on TV ... unless you have a LOT of money, but you can do an independent movie.

I'm a human. Every human is flawed. I might be flawed in different ways than some people, or worse ways than some people, or better ways than some people.

Tucker "But what's the deal with the smaller cot or whatever?"
Hate "Oh, that's just the icing on this cake of bullshit."
Credit "OK, when we got to our place for the first time, since it was so shitty, I let Hate pick the cot he wanted, and I took the other one. Well, after a few days, Hate started to suspect that my cot was larger than his cot."
Tucker "We're talking about cots? Like, these are just two pieces of fabric tied between sticks?"
Credit "Oh yeah. No doubt. It was impossible for these to be more shitty. So anyway, Hate starts obsessing over the cots, every day he's talking about the cots, and how maybe I got the larger cot, and on and on. So one day we bought a tape measure and measured them - "
Credit is laughing too hard to even continue, and Hate can't contain himself.
Hate "HIS COT WAS TWO INCHES WIDER THAN MINE!!"
Credit "Hate, I let you pick the cot you wanted!"
Hate "It doesn't matter - YOU GOT THE LARGER COT!! EVEN AFTER YOU FUCKED EVERYTHING UP!!

If you like to argue just for the sake of being contentious, you shouldn't pick a job based on this unresolved emotional issue of yours, you should get counseling for it.

You know that look a cop gives you when he's so confused that he doesn't even know how to respond? If you don't know that look, it means you haven't had enough fun in your life.

FUCK. This is not good. I'm allergic to whiskey. I think maybe I should explain this to her, and request a different alcohol. Then I remember that I am awesome. Even fighting through anaphylactic shock, I can STILL bury this emotionally unstable, bulimic undergrad.

The meaning of life is to create meaning for your life.

I try to explain to people that the only way to be cool is to be who you truly are, and the only way to live life is to do the things that you want to do and be the person that you want to be no matter who that is or what that is or how you have to do it. That's the only way you can be genuinely happy.

There aren't a whole lot of people in culture that are unapologetically masculine.

Things always work out for me because I do whatever I want without worrying about the consequences.

I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I don't believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist. (Quoting feedback from a reader)

Due to the potent combination of my sexual recklessness and the slutty nature of some of the girls I have slept with, I have accumulated enough stories and anecdotes about abortion that they could name a Planned Parenthood clinic after me.

The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above "functionally retarded".

There is always more demand for great content then there will be great content to satisfy it.

Yes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but everyone forgets the second half of that quote: the road to heaven is paved with good actions.

My parents got divorced when I was around a year old. My dad was essentially a nonentity in my life until I got to be about 16 or so. My mom was a flight attendant for PanAm, so I moved all over the world. London, Rio de Janeiro.

One big lesson I learned from movie [making] was I don't do creative projects that I headline unless I have all the control. I can't deal with having to live with other people's screw ups, and that's just sort of the way the movie business works. The people with the money are in charge. Until I'm in charge, I don't want to play that game.

If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself.

Social media for the majority of companies is not about helping customers or improving products.

Usually, whatever people's particular political leaning is, they either think I'm just like them or the opposite.

You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.

A personal brand is relevant to people who sell or create something relevant to who they are as a person. If you're not in that boat, which most people are not, personal branding makes no sense.

While at the University of Chicago a couple of friends and I went to dinner at some restaurant in China Town night. Oblivious to the fact that my idiocy can be heard outside of a five-foot radius, I started in with the "You been here four hour. You go now," routine. Ha ha, we all laugh because infantile racism is funny. A little while later I walked back to the bathroom, and as I went down the hall to the "Male Room," I passed this rickety open door. I peered in to see two little Chinese kids looking at me, holding their eyes wide open with their fingers (to give a Caucasian look), and saying: "Hot Dogs! Baseball! Hot Dogs! Baseball!" I laughed so hard, I almost didn't make it to the bathroom. You win this round, Chinese kids.

I always laugh when people call me a misogynist. I ... love women! Everything I do is to impress women. And if I hated women, why would half my fans be women?

Probably the best explanation for my success and other Internet writers, is that we're tapping a genre or a niche out there that needs to be filled and isn't.

5:16 I shotgun two beers, piss out the bedroom window, catcall passing girls, burp violently, put cage fighting on tv, play with myself. I feel manly again.

Two girls called me closed minded. I tell them that they are so open-minded their brains leaked out.

The great stories go to those who aren't afraid to live them