Funny Coffee Quotes

Given enough coffee I could rule the world ~ Terry Pratchett

I would rather suffer with coffee than be senseless. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

A 41-inch bust and a lot of perseverance will get you more than a cup of coffee - a lot more. ~ Jayne Mansfield

Espresso is to Italy, what champagne is to France. ~ Charles Maurice De Talleyrand

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ... " ~ Emo Philips

No coffee can be good in the mouth that does not first send a sweet offering of odor to the nostrils. ~ Henry Ward Beecher

Coffee in England is just toasted milk. ~ Christopher Fry

For lo! the board with cups and spoons is crowned.The berries crackle, and the mill turns round ... At once they gratify their scent and taste.And frequent cups prolong the rich repast ... Coffee (which makes the politician wise And see through all things with his half-shut eyes). ~ Alexander Pope

Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all. ~ David Lynch

Coffee is good for talent, but genius wants prayer. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I need a coffee to go with my coffee. ~ Zooey Deschanel

Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second. ~ Edward Abbey

Coffee: Induces wit. Good only if it comes through Havre. After a big dinner party it is taken standing up. Take it without sugar - very swank: gives the impression you have lived in the East. ~ Gustave Flaubert

To me, the smell of fresh-made coffee is one of the greatest inventions. ~ Hugh Jackman

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. ~ Dave Barry

Coffee is a beverage that puts one to sleep when not drank. ~ Alphonse Allais

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. ~ George Carlin

Matthew Watkins: I need an afternoon pick-me-up. I accept cash and/or prizes that can be exchanged for cash. Also, hobbits. ~ Jessica Park

She has to agree to have me. It could take some time, but I'm confident I can trick her into it. ~ Robyn Carr

She slipped her hands beneath the front of his shirt, slowly running her fingertips over his chest and back down to his waist. He turned in her arms and smiled, but his grin was filled with mocking suspicion. "Are you trying to distract me, Violet Ambrose?"
"I guess you're smarter than you look," she teased as he pushed her backward so that they both fell on her bed.
"And you are not as funny as you think you are." His mouth hovered over hers, his arms tightening, crushing her against him. Violet giggled and tried to squirm free, but Jay wouldn't let her. He kissed her throat, his lips teasing her until it wasn't his grip that made it hard for Violet to breathe.
"Oh, and Violet, he whispered against her ear, his breath tickling her cheek, "I'm still your best friend. Don't ever forget it." His words were fervent and touching. ~ Kimberly Derting

Life's pretty funny when you're objectively on the outside looking at it. ~ Philip Seymour Hoffman

I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees. ~ Scott Adams

Yes, Sept 11th was unfortunate ~ Geri Halliwell

what makes it funny to people is that it's a gross distortion of something very familiar. For ~ Neal Shusterman

McCovey swings and misses, and it's fouled back. ~ Jerry Coleman

Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn't funny. ~ Andy Kindler

I realize you cant just throw real gems at ppl ... because they think cubic zirconia is the real thing lol ~ Fee Scott

Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining? ~ George C. Wallace

With his blond hair, broad shoulders, and perpetual tan,
Bryce looked like a California underwear model. Not that I'd thought about him in his underwear.
Much. ~ Chris Cannon

I don't know if I was a funny kid. I would say I was a loud and weird kid. ~ Will Forte

I might be able to walk away from sexy, dangerous shifters, but chocolate had me at its beck and call. ~ Meghan Ciana Doidge

If you work at comedy too laboriously, you can kill what's funny in the joke. ~ Richard Russo

The letters I really love are from young actresses who were worried they had to fit a certain look. They say I've opened it up. And I don't just mean plus-size girls. You can push things now. With all the great performances in 'Bridesmaids', it changed how people see funny women. ~ Melissa McCarthy

Football combines two of the worst things in American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. ~ George F. Will

I think that came out of watching all those serious movies for all that time. If you watch a movie like Zero Hour, Sterling Hayden is pretty funny, and so are the guys in the cockpit. ~ David Zucker

You exaggerate your own reactions. ~ Dylan Moran

When a court officer suggested quarantine for Nerissa, she grabbed the man's pen and jammed it into the back of his hand, screaming that he was a Crimson Guard witch come to remove her memories and replace them with bird-song.
They decided to skip quarantine after that. ~ Caitlin Kittredge

He was becoming aware that there was no such thing as over-the-top with Lawrence Davenport, as long as you were talking to Lawrence Davenport about Lawrence Davenport. ~ Jeffrey Archer

Even with the coffee, I'm never fully awake, just jittery. ~ Rachel Friedman

This shed does not contain me. ~ Bill Bailey

I know a lot of funny people in a lot of funny places. ~ John Mellencamp

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny? ~ Doug Stanhope

Now, as the party reached the royal hall the brothers shared, Tolners produced a note and held it up for Kell to read. "This isn't funny."
Apparently Rhy had had the grace to pin the note to his door, in case anyone in the palace should worry. "Not kidnapped. Out for a drink with Kell. Sit tight. ~ Victoria Schwab

Religious fasting is the best way to cure an anorexic's spirit: in heaven her condition will be normal. ~ Bauvard

Once I faced a female with diamond skin," Nix said breathlessly. "I was transfixed - even as she was choking the life out of me."
"Really?"
" No, I saw that character on X men. I just wanted to commiserate. Alas, I have no weaknesses."
"Except your insanity," Lucia pointed out.
sigh. "Well played, Archer. then carry on ... ~ Kresley Cole

Someone trying to be funny probably isn't as funny as someone who doesn't want to be funny but is and can't help it. Someone being serious or angry might be funny. If you get angry, the first thing I want to do is laugh because I don't know why you're getting that angry. Pathos makes me laugh, funerals make me laugh. ~ Ricky Gervais

Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear? ~ Lisa Kudrow

A hick town is one where there is no place to go where you shouldn't go. ~ Alexander Woollcott

I feel that this is my first year, that next year is an election year, that the third year is the mid point, and that the fourth year is the last chance I'll have to make a record since the last two years; I'll be a candidate again. Everything I do in those last two years will be posturing for the election. But right now I don't have to do that. ~ Dan Quayle

Men cannot think like dogs ... [There exists] a sharp difference in the mental capacity of humans and canines. For example, a human who is given an intricate problem will spend all day trying to solve it, but a canine will have the sense to give up and do something else instead. ~ Corey Ford

I spilled my cup of coffee straight onto my crotch. Superior heat retention has its drawbacks. I grimaced as the scalding liquid reached ground zero, but as I did my best to angle my jeans away from the Resnick family's last hope, my seatmate decided to dispose of her hoodie.
I juggled two pressing needs:
1) Protect the nethers.
2) Leer ~ B. Justin Shier

I usually write away from home, in coffee shops, on trains, on planes, in friends' houses. I like places where there's stuff going on that you can lift your eyes, see something interesting, overhear a conversation. ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it. ~ Richard Feynman

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there? ~ Steven Wright

Epistle to Miss Blount, On Her Leaving the Town, After the Coronation"

As some fond virgin, whom her mother's care
Drags from the town to wholesome country air,
Just when she learns to roll a melting eye,
And hear a spark, yet think no danger nigh;
From the dear man unwillingly she must sever,
Yet takes one kiss before she parts for ever:
Thus from the world fair Zephalinda flew,
Saw others happy, and with sighs withdrew;
Not that their pleasures caused her discontent,
She sighed not that They stayed, but that She went.
She went, to plain-work, and to purling brooks,
Old-fashioned halls, dull aunts, and croaking rooks,
She went from Opera, park, assembly, play,
To morning walks, and prayers three hours a day;
To pass her time 'twixt reading and Bohea,
To muse, and spill her solitary tea,
Or o'er cold coffee trifle with the spoon,
Count the slow clock, and dine exact at noon;
Divert her eyes with pictures in the fire,
Hum half a tune, tell stories to the squire;
Up to her godly garret after seven,
There starve and pray, for that's the way to heaven.
Some Squire, perhaps, you take a delight to rack;
Whose game is Whisk, whose treat a toast in sack,
Who visits with a gun, presents you birds,
Then gives a smacking buss, and cries – No words!
Or with his hound comes hollowing from the stable,
Makes love with nods, and knees beneath a t ~ Alexander Pope

Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets. ~ David Letterman

I hand her the coffee. She gives it a sip, then nods in approval. I do a little fist pump, officially becoming a less odious human being than the man who wants to build a wall between Mexico and the US. ~ Beth O'Leary