Funny Alcohol Quotes

I don't think I've ever drunk champagne before breakfast before. With breakfast on several occasions, but never before before. ~ Truman Capote

I blew the lot on vodka and tonic, gambling and fags. Looking back, I think I overdid it on the tonic. ~ Stan Bowles

When I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk. ~ Richard Burton

I don't know what reception I'm at, but for God's sake give me a gin and tonic. ~ Denis Thatcher

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. ~ Mitch Hedberg

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know. ~ W.C. Fields

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass. ~ W.C. Fields

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. ~ Dave Moulton

I only take a drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not. ~ Brendan Behan

Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale? ~ William Shakespeare

Arjuro made a scoffing sound. 'You think Lumatere will invade because of you? Are you that important?'

Froi looked away. 'Isaboe would invade if you kidnapped a servant, let alone a friend.'

'Isaboe? We're on first-name terms with the Queen of Lumatere, are we?' Gargarin asked.

Froi found himself bristling. 'What? Do you think I'm some cutthroat for hire who they found hanging around the palace walls with the words "I want
to kill a Charynite King" tattooed on my arse? ~ Melina Marchetta

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humour. They don't have to be funny, just need to be able to recognise how hilarious I am. ~ Ade Bozzay

You sound like you're mentally deficient. And possibly Chinese. ~ Heidi Hall

You ought to sue that son of a whore ~ Stephen King

A man and his dog is a sacred relationship. What nature hath put together let no woman put asunder. ~ A.R. Gurney

Women KNOW, we just know. Even if we didn't know, we would know. Men won't get this, but women will..because we KNOW ~ Karen Gibbs

Bastian looked at the book.
'I wonder,' he said to himself, 'what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures, deeds and battles. And sometimes there are storms at sea, or it takes you to strange cities and countries. All those things are somehow shut in a book. Of course you have to read it to find out. But it's already there, that's the funny thing. I just wish I knew how it could be.'
Suddenly an almost festive mood came over him.
He settled himself down, picked up the book, opened it to the first page, and began to read ... ~ Michael Ende

It's funny how the smallest things I've done speak the loudest about me, but I like that. ~ Xavier Niel

It's funny when you write a song - it's easy for me now - but there's almost a second stage where you take control of the song. You start writing it, and if you're not careful, it just finishes itself and it might not be what you wanted. It's very strange, it takes over itself. It has its own life. ~ Kate Bush

Maybe they're not surrendering," said the smirking soldier in false consolation. "Maybe they all just really had to piss. ~ Laini Taylor

Hurray', shouted Glokta. 'Porridge again!'He looked over at the motionless Practical. 'Porridge and honey, better than money, everything's funny, with porridge and honey! ~ Joe Abercrombie

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up. ~ Marian Keyes

Robin Williams learned technique. He has the technique of being funny. ~ Paul Mooney

There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident ~ Josh Stern

When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years later it became sort of serious-looking and a bit foreboding. ~ David Bowie

Gotta be more specific sunshine." He winked at me before starting another.
"You might want to get that eye problem checked out. One might mistaken it for flirting. ~ K.R. Grace

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you. ~ Dave Barry

Sex is hard to write about because you lose the universal and succumb to the particular. We all have our different favorites. Good sex is impossible to write about. Lawrence and Updike have given it their all, and the result is still uneasy and unsure. It may be that good sex is something fiction just can't do
like dreams. Most of the sex in my novels is absolutely disastrous. Sex can be funny, but not very sexy. ~ Martin Amis

We had always known that ours is a small country and that America is very big. But even as a seven-year-old, I was surprised that so many Americans has never noticed us on the map. Perhaps it's like driving a Yugo and realizing that the eighteen-wheeler can's see you. ~ Firoozeh Dumas

A man is not paid for having a head and hands, but for using them. ~ Elbert Hubbard

Sleep, that deplorable curtailment of the joy of life. ~ Virginia Woolf

He was friendly and funny most of the time - though his work on The Room nearly drove him mad. Years later Sandy would claim to have directed the lion's share of The Room, which is a bit like claiming to have been the Hindenburg's principal aeronautics engineer. ~ Greg Sestero

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you. ~ Steven Wright

Boys! Are they always this impossible? Do they always say cryptic, indecipherable things? (Note
to self: work with Liz to adapt her boy-to-English translator into a more mobile form - like maybe a
watch or necklace.) ~ Ally Carter

I haven't watched 'Mad TV' a lot, but I have seen some stuff on there that is truly funny. You have to have some sort of attitude toward the subject, and they seem to have it. It depends on how much blood you want to draw. ~ Joe Flaherty

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!' ~ William Cosmo Monkhouse

I don't change the language for children books. I don't make the language simpler. I use words that they might have to look up in the dictionary. The books are shorter, but there's just not that much difference other than that to be honest. And the funny thing is, I have adult writer friends [to whom I would say], "Would you think of writing a children's book?" and they go, "No, God, I wouldn't know how." They're quite intimidated by the concept of it. And when I say to children's books writers, would they write an adult book, they say no because they think they're too good for it. ~ John Boyne

Had your forefathers, Wigglesworth, been as stupid as you are, the human race would never have succeeded in procreating itself. ~ Alan Bennett

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate. ~ George Carlin

I am a pretty good actor. Most of my friendships are based on the fact that I pretend to be outgoing and funny in social situations, but when I get home, I tend to isolate myself because I am actually somewhat bipolar and introverted. ~ Reese Roper

Just three words? Nothing about his physical health? His equipment? His supplies?'

'You got me,' she said. 'He left a detailed status report. I just decided to lie for no reason.'

'Funny,' Venkat said. 'Be a smart-ass to a guy seven levels above you at your company. See how that works out.'

'Oh no,' Mindy said. 'I might lose my job as an interplanetary voyeur? I guess I'd have to use my master's degree for something else.'

'I remember when you were shy.'

'I'm space paparazzi now. The attitude comes with the job. ~ Andy Weir

Damn, Ian was already there. I braced myself as he came out from behind the RV. He sniffed, his nose wrinkling. Then he looked over me and my blonde captive, grinning.
"Managed to squeeze in a golden shower along the way? How lecherous, I'm impressed."
"Save it" I said crisply. ~ Jeaniene Frost

The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I'm in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can't seem to come up with anything new that's funny. That's a tough place to be as a comedian. ~ Bill Burr

You can't tel me I'm not breaking up with you when I'm breaking up with you! ~ Kristen Ashley

Life is very important to Americans. ~ Bob Dole

Even though there are few to no credible passages - properly interpreted - in Scripture that call things such as alcohol and tattoos utterly sinful, some fundamentalists insist they are. ~ Jefferson Bethke

Anxiety in human life is what squeaking and grinding are in machinery that is not oiled. In life, trust is the oil. ~ Henry Ward Beecher

I liked getting the best villain award. I thought that was funny. ~ Stephen Dorff

Will sat where he was, gazing at the silver bowl in front of him; a white rose was floating in it, and he seemed prepared to stare at it until it went under. In the Kitchen Bridget was still singing one of her awful sad songs; the lyrics drifted in through the door:
"Twas on an evening fair I went to take the air,
I heard a maid making her moan;
Said, 'Saw ye my father? Or ye my mother?
Or saw ye my brother John?
Or saw ye the lad that I love best,
And his name it is Sweet William?"
I may murder her, Tessa thought. Let her make a song about that. ~ Cassandra Clare

Funny how you can forget that every family isn't like yours. ~ Patrick Ness

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents? ~ Bob Monkhouse

I'd love to do a film with Mariah. But it would have to be a comedy. She's the funniest woman in the world, she just cracks me up all the time. ~ Nick Cannon

We didn't, with 'Will & Grace,' set out to change the gay world. We just set out to be funny. ~ Eric McCormack

You're not going to campus. You're going out to get drunk and play with other ladies' boobies. - Kye ~ Krista Alasti

Alec Baldwin is so funny. ~ Ryan Lochte