Kathy Griffin Quotes

I am in love with Larry David.

One of my recurring D-list moments is when people stop me in the airport and tell me they loved me on SNL. I never know if they think I'm Molly Shannon, Cheri Oteri, or Chris Kattan. I just say Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed me as Mango.

Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice.

I was raised right - I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.

A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them.

I'm saying that she (Whitney Houston) looks great for a singer ... the way Courtney Love is a singer.

I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown.

No one teaches you how to do this. How do you let go of someone who you love so much?

I also don't have a desire to be on the A-list. I feel more people can relate to the D-list than the A-list.

It is a challenge, with the global fame, to try to act like I put my pants on one leg at a time, when in fact I have Pippa Middleton help me put my pants on every morning. She's my lady-in-waiting as well.

No, I love Montreal ... I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me ... I love the food there.

So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it.

When I see you, I smile. When I touch you, I feel you. When I kiss you, I love you!

Well, I think that when I perform on the road I always thank the audience for buying a ticket because it's a big deal to buy a ticket for a live entertainment, get a baby-sitter and pay for the meal, the parking, whatever.

I constantly say things that I regret. I mortify myself constantly.

I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography.

I did feel very sexy and desirable. Those prisoners looked at me like no man ever did. I don't care how many people they killed.

I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time.

Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand.

My mother's father was just called "The Governor," or "Himself." Which, if you have sixteen kids, probably isn't as crazy as it sounds.

My friend Anderson Cooper is the scion of one of America's great shipping and railroad families, the Vanderbilts.

Oh, I constantly say things that I regret. I mortify myself constantly. But that's just part of the deal. I'm not really sure what's going to come out of my mouth.

Mom's a hypochondriac, too, so the best part was that every week she would get the disease that the medical shows were dramatizing. I'll never forget, they did an episode on sickle cell anemia, which as far as I know, is almost exclusively an African-American affliction.

I prefer being known for my stand-up because I write it. I love being an actor, and saying other people's words is great. But then, when I do stand-up, I love getting my own point of view out there.

Have I gone too far?

I'm a female in comedy, so of course I want there to be more women on 'SNL', and women of color.

I can honestly say, with complete disappointment, that I have never purged in my life, because I have what I call a barfing disorder. Every time I puke, even when I'm sick with the flu or from food poisoning, I think I'm going to die. Weird, I know. No disrespect to you, Mary Kate. Rock on.

Presentation was the name of the Catholic church [my mother's family] attended, and this is what I love about the Irish: My mother became known as the second prettiest girl at Presentation parish. "Why was that okay?" I once asked her. "Oh, because everybody knew Mary Griffin was the most beautiful girl at Presentation," she replied. My mom was happy to be on the D-list! Just like I'm not trying to be Brooke Shields, she wasn't trying to be Mary Griffin.

I have a no-apology policy. No apologies for jokes. I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things, I make mistakes constantly. But when I'm on stage, I'm at a microphone ... it's a joke!

Most people unfamiliar with the men in a new town might search for love until they find it. I picked out some guy on my second day in LA, who worked at the local bicycle shop, and handed my virginity to him. "You can fill a tire? Sounds good to me. Let's call it a date." Needless to say he wasn't Mr. Right.

The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid.

Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist.

So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits.

I have what I call A-list moments, but believe me, I'm still on the D-list.

I think a Celebrity Survivor would be great.

To this day, the behavior of straight men is something I've never been able to wrap my head around. Have you ever met one? They're really weird. Sometimes they want to have sex without A Chorus Line playing in the background. Yuck. How is that even possible?

I'm basically always on tour.

I have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise. No decorum. Just fun.

Of course, I've told Jesus to suck it, too, which earned me a certain measure of notoriety, because you have to make fun of any religion that would let you have sixteen kids and say it's God's will.

When my pals in high school were starting to drink, it always looked unappealing to me. I would be at a big party and see one of the popular girls or football players completely wasted and puking and acting a fool, and think to myself, There's nothing cool about that. I never wanted to be that out of control.

Do you remember a little phenom called step aerobics? If you do, then you know how crazy it was to take two ninety-minute classes in a row. It's incredible that I didn't die from a blunt injury to the back of my head from slipping on my own pool of sweat.

Most people new to a city on the ocean would probably go to the beach during the day when there are people around. I, on the other hand, decided to try a midnight swim at the somewhat gamy Santa Monica pier, by myself. That is, until a nearby guard kicked me off the beach for my own safety.

Well, my whole thing with gossip is I couldn't care less if it's true.

I have a no-apology policy.

It always pisses me off when I'm calling in to some Morning Zoo radio show to promote God-only-knows what - probably this book, so get ready, I'm comin' - when the DJ actually tries to convince me that there are as many female comics as male ones. Cue hypermasculine Morning Zoo Hacky McGee voice: "So Kath, I don't know what you chicks are always complaining about." To which I respond: "Really? Why don't you call your local comedy club and ask for the Saturday night lineup? I guarantee you the male to female ratio is going to be about nine to one. You dick-wad.

I honestly never once heard them fight. They yelled at us kids all the time, but never at each other. My siblings and I joke to this day about how the reason we have trouble in relationships is because we never learned how to fight from our parents.

Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That's right. I fucked Jack Black. Okay, we went out only two or three times, but that's a relationship in my book. And by the way, this is my book.

Why would you want to keep the bluebird houses mounted in a place that you now know is unsafe for them? Bluebirds are not ornaments for pictures, they are living things that deserve your best effort if you are going to be a landlord to them. There is no magic spell that will protect those bluebirds
they have to depend on you or they are doomed.

I can say whatever I want. So do not bring the kids. It's definitely rated R.

There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that that's when they make doughnuts.

I grew up in Chicago and was a huge fan of 'The Second City', so when I moved to L.A., I was looking for anything that resembled that ... then I started 'The Groundlings', so I went to a show and it was very much like 'Second City'. I was so impressed that that same night I went backstage and I went up to the funniest person there.

It was a nightmare having cameras in the house 10 hours a day for a month.

I'll be honest, there's a part of me that does think I'm held to a different standard than my contemporaries and peers, and it's a little frustrating.

I have to tell you, though, the sexism in late night talk is so profound.

Pretty much everywhere I go, I'm pretty much thinking I'm going to be bounced. I am still the outsider who snuck into the party. I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am.

If there is a gay army, I am their warrior princess.

I actually have to pick and chose stuff that I know I'm going to bomb at.

I prefer big Oprah. I know Oprah wants to be skinny Oprah, but her head is too gigantic to fit on a skinny body. She has to accept that, like Kirstie Alley, she was meant to be ... ahm ... voluptuous!

I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.

I can criticize your religion all I want, and you can criticize mine. I don't like this whole climate of, 'You can't ever say anything bad about the group I'm in, cause every group is untouchable.' We can all criticize each other and engage in debate all we want.

The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are.

My act has always reflected what's going on in my life.

Phoenix is great. I love Phoenix, .. I love Scottsdale. I love the James Hotel. I have a Kathy Griffin suite. I love -what's that place called? AZ 88. I had never had a cheese crisp, so I went to - oh, can't remember. We went to the State Fair, where I was all about the deep-fried Twinkie. I ate every deep-fried thing - oh, it was heavenly. I ate until I got sick.

If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night.

A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor.

It was sweaty Whitney (Houston) in Central Park. She knew that park pretty well. Every bush!

A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!