Bob Monkhouse Quotes

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.

I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative.

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

I know I'm a sinner, but make me a winner!

I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.