Derek Landy Quotes

Are there children out there?
Um, yes sir, they're all children.
Run a few down.
Sir?
Drive over a few of the little brats. That'll scare 'em off.

I know you've got your guns and you're really good at being horrible to people, but do you seriously think you can threaten him?"
Milo frowned. "I'm not horrible to people."
"Really? You really don't think you're horrible to people?"
"No," he said, a little defensively. "I'm nice. Everyone says it."
"Oh man," said Amber. "People have lied to you. Like, a lot.

You," Sanguine said, "are the worst psychic I've ever met.

Valkyrie had never noticed this before, but walking was really, incredibly boring. She'd watched those Lord of the Rings films where they all went walking up and down mountains and it seemed so adventurous and purposeful, and they didn't look too tired and no one really complained and that Aragorn guy looked really sexy with his stubble and his long hair and what had she just been thinking about? Beards? Lord of the Rings? Walking, that was it. Walking and boredom. God, she was bored. "I'm bored," she said. "We know," said Skulduggery. "This looked a lot more fun on Lord of the Rings." "So you've said.

Serpine underestimates you. Everyone underestimates you. You're stronger than they know. You're stronger than you know - Skulduggery

He does this on purpose," Stephanie's mother said as they sat in the car, seat belts on and ready to go. They watched him appear at the front door, shrug into his jacket, tuck in his shirt, go to step out, and then pause.
"He looks like he's about to sneeze," Stephanie remarked.

I'm going to photograph every single person to enter and leave this tattoo parlour."
Finbar rolled his eyes. "And they'll hate that, because people who get dragons drawn on their backs are normally so shy about other people noticing them.

You're in a bad mood,' Skulduggery said. 'I understand. I do. You're saying things that you don't really mean. It's OK.'
'I'll kill you both.'
'Hurtful things said in the heat of the moment. We're not going to hold it against you, Bison. We're all friends here.'
Valkyrie nodded. 'We love you Bison.'
'We do,' Skulduggery agreed. 'You're our favourite Necromancer. You're the cuddly one.'
'Shut up,' Dragonclaw said. 'Both of you just shut up.

With his sunglasses gone and his scarf hanging down, there was no denying that he had no flesh, he had no skin, he had no eyes and he had no face.
All he had was a skull for a head.

This isn't funny. She was almost killed.'
'I'm aware. You're waiting to see if I will get angry.'
'I already know you're angry. You're sitting very still and you're talking very quietly. You're getting ready to kill someone.'
'I just need a name.

Look, this is all very, very weird. Why are you focusing on rumours and urban legends? You haven't even asked me any
normal questions."
"Normal questions? Like what?"
"Like, I don't know, like if Lynch had any enemies."
"Did Lynch have any enemies?"
"Well, not that I know of, no."
"Then there really was no point in me asking that, was there? Unless you wanted to distract me. You didn't want to distract me, did you, Kenny?"
"No, that's not - "
"Are you playing a game with me, Kenny?"
"I don't know what you're - "
Inspector Me leaned forward. "Did you kill him?"
"No!"
"It'd be OK if you did."
Kenny recoiled, horrified. "How would that be OK?"
"Well," Me said, "maybe not

Ah ... Dectective, this is a very private and personal moment for them both. I'm sure you can understand their need for-"
A man stumbled out clutching a sheet round his waist and Valkyrie's eyes widened. "Whoa," she said as he hummed into a table. He was tall and sandy-haired and his physique was jaw-dropping lay amazing. "No way," she said. "Scapegrace?"
The man looked at her, and shook his head. The a woman came charging out of the back room, slammed into the man and they both went rolling across the floor.
"Give it to me!" The woman screamed. "Give it to me!"
Nye scuttled over. "Mr Scapegrace, you know the procedure cannot be repeated, your brains are in far too deteriorated a condition."
"You! Gave! Me! The! Wrong! Body!

Well, yeah, but she looks, like, twenty-two. And she acts like a four-year-old.

A living skeleton isn't enough for you, is it? What does it take to impress young people these days?

Well, I don't plan on dying anytime soon, and I've got something he didn't."
"And that is ... ?"
"Your hat. Take me with you, or I'll stand on it.

The traffic warden looked up. "This your car?"
"It is," said Skulduggery.
The traffic warden nodded. "Very nice, very nice. But you can't park here, day or night."
"I wasn't aware of that."
"There's a sign right over there."
"I didn't think it applied to me."
"Why wouldn't it have applied to you?"
Skulduggery tilted his head. "Because I'm special."
"Don't care how special you think you are, you're parked in a no parking area and as such you're---"
"We're here on official police business."
The traffic warden narrowed his eyes. "You're Garda? I'm going to need to see some identification."
"We're undercover," said Skulduggery. "This is a very important undercover operation which you are endangering just by talking to us." He opened his jacket. "Look, I have a gun. I am Detective Inspector Me. This is my partner, Detective Her."
The traffic warden frowned. "Her?"
"Me," said Stephanie.
"Him?"
"Not me," said Skulduggery. "Her."
"Me," said Stephanie.
"You?" said the traffic warden.
"Yes," said Stephanie.
"I"m sorry, who are you?"
Stephanie looked at him. "I'm Her, he's Me. Got it? Good. You better get out of here before you blow our cover. They've got snipers.

The only thing we know for certain is that Darquesse is coming, and she's coming to kill us all.

- I have an idea, skullduggery said.
- A strategy? Valkyrie asked.
- More of a tactic.
- What's the difference?
- A strategy is a plan. Tactic are the maneuvers you employ to achive a plan.
- He can hear us, through.
- That doesn't matter, skullduggery said. This tactic is so simple is doesn't matter if he knows it is coming.
- This should be interesting, said Lethe.
- We rush him. Skullduggery said.
Valkyrie frowned, that's is?
- It is.
- We run at him. That's the manoeuvre were employing? Running?
- And when we get to him, we start hitting him, skullduggery said. That is the beauty of the whole thing. It ends with us hitting him. In the face.
- I do like that part, Valkyrie admitted. But the rest sounds a bit iffy.
- He'll never expect it.
- I'm expecting it right now. Lethe said
- He is lying, skullduggery whispered
Valkyrie though for s moment and shuttered. OK, let's do it.
[...]
- I can't believe it worked.
- That is the genius of simplicity

I owe you everything." "Uh ... wow." "I owe all of you everything." "But mostly me," Fletcher said.

Is that it?"
"No. That's a wall."
"It could be disguised."
"You're not very good at looking for things, are you?"
"I'm good at looking for walls. Look, I found another one.

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He put on his hat and wrapped his scarf around his jaw, but did without the wig and the sunglasses. He clicked his key chain and the car beeped and the doors locked.
"That's it?"
He looked up. "Sorry?"
"Aren't you afraid it might get stolen? We're not exactly in a good part of town."
"It's got a car alarm."
"Don't you, like, cast a spell or something? To keep it safe?"
"No. It's a pretty good car alarm.

Sarcasm has always been the luxury of the ruling class.

Kindness suits you."
"Really? I think I'm quite allergic to it.

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Serpine: You have caused me so much trouble over the years detective. It's almost a shame to end it
Skulduggery: You're surrendering?

I had an uneventful few days," it told her. "The most exciting thing was an hour-long lecture from the headmaster on taking our studies seriously. He said next year's exam will arrive sooner than we think."
"No, they won't," Valkyrie said, frowning. "They'll arrive next year, exactly when we expect them."
"That's what I told him," the reflection nodded. "I don't think he's comfortable with logic, because he didn't look happy. He sent me to the Career Guidance counsellor, who asked me what I wanted to do after college."
Valkyrie stowed her black clothes. "What did you say?"
"I told her I wanted to be a Career Guidance counsellor. She started crying, then accused me of mocking her. I told her if she wasn't happy in her job then she should look at other options, then pointed out that I was already doing her job better than she was. She gave me detention.

Have you ever heard of Remnants? - Skulduggery

So I've been in a coma for ... how long?"
"A year and a half."
Melancholia's eyes widened. "What? A year and a half? What the hell?

It pleases me to meet you, Valkyrie. I've heard stories."
"Good stories or bad stories?"
"All stories are good stories," he smiled, "even the bad ones.

Life isn't fair,' Skulduggery said. 'In my experience, death isn't so different.

Sanguine: That hurt
Tanith: I can make this easy on you
Sanguine: You gonna give me that sword of yours?
Tanith: No, but if you tell me what Baron Vengeous is planning, I'll let you walk away from here
Sanguine: But I drove here.

I know she was sent to keep an eye on me and then kill me, but ... do you think she did fall in love with me, even just a small bit?"
"Not really."
"Oh."
"She stuck a knife in you."
"Yeah."
"That's rarely a good sign."
"I suppose."
"But hey, you had some good times, didn't you?"
"Yes. Yes we did."
"Before she stabbed you.

You zapped your own brain?"
"And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the moodswings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count numb fingertips. Which I don't."
"Because he also lost the ability to count," said Donegan.
"That was temporary," snapped Gracious.

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Valkyrie dried her hands. "I'm not going to die anytime soon, Clarabelle."
"I like your coat by the way."
"Thanks."
"It's a little small for you though."
"Yeah."
"Can I have it when you're dead?

Stephanie could see the greed seep into the watery eyes of her
father's other brother, a horrible little man called Fergus, as he
nodded sadly and spoke sombrely and pocketed the silverware
when he thought no one was looking

You ask in awful lot of questions."

"When I grow up, I want to be a detective just like you."

He looked over and saw her grinning. He laughed. "I suppose you do share my penchant for raising Cain.

You are a known associate of the man called the Torment."
He shrugged. "News to me."
"What is?"
"That I know him."
"Know who?"
"What?"
"That you know the Torment?"
"Yeah."
"Then you do know him?"
"Yeah." Then quickly, "No."
"You don't know him?"
"I, no, I, no. Never heard of him."
"I hate to say this, Vaurien, but that's astoundingly unconvincing.

And what, if you don't mind me asking, is really important?"
Valkyrie holds her hand palm upwards, and it starts to glow from within. She smiles at him.
"Magic," she says.

This is stolen? We're in a stolen jet?"
"Not stolen," said Donegan Bane from the co-pilot's seat.
"Almost stolen," Gracious corrected.
"Semi-stolen," said Donegan.
"Quasi-stolen," said Gracious.
Aurora's frown did not turn upside down. "So is it stolen or not?"
Donegan and Gracious hesitated.
"Yes," they both said together.

Love is finding someone better than you are, and holding on for dear life

Tanith has a sword.' said Valkyrie. 'I want a stick.'
'I'll get you a stick for Christmas

We should have another code for when you're about to hit someone."
"Very well. How about 'the sparrow flies south for winter'?"
"Seriously?"
"What's wrong with it? It's a classic.

You can only anticipate what someone is going to do if you know exactly what that someone has just done.'
Skulduggery

Ghastly and Anton have been murdered. Ravel's betrayed us. Valkyrie is ... gone. The Dead Men have had their last stand and we've fallen, Saracen. The three of us are all that remain. - Skulduggery

Every human being who has ever lived has the same potential in them for good and evil. Mortal or sorcerer, it doesn't matter. Power has a way of bringing out the worst in people. Mevolent. Serpine. Hitler. Lord Vile. Darquesse. We're all the same." "You just put me on a list with Hitler." "You're going to start sulking again, aren't you?

I don't find you suspicious at all.' He turned to Martha and whispered, 'I find him incredibly suspicious.

Everyone gets tortured these days. Skulduggery by Serpine, who then turned around and did that red right hand thing at you. Then Skulduggery was tortured again by the Faceless Ones. I figured it was my turn, you know? You're not part of the team if you haven't been tortured- that's what I always say. Well, I'll be saying that from now on anyway.

Of course I want to kill you," said Skulduggery. "I want to kill most people. But then where would I be? In a field of dead people with no one to talk to.

Well, to put it delicately, she has the power to suck out people's brains.

So he has no head'
'Thats usually what headless means'
'No head at all?'
'Your really not getting the whole headless thing are you?'
'Its just kind of silly even for us ...

How have you been? You're still as beautiful as ever."
"As are you, my dear. I love your shoes."
"Aren't they delightful? I saw them and just had to have them. Their previous owner wasn't too keen to let them go, but I can be very persuasive when I want to be."
"Is that her blood on the left one?"
"And no amount of scrubbing will get it out, either.

Valkyrie Cain got out of the passenger side. She zipped up
her black jacket against the cold, and joined Skulduggery as he
walked up to the front door. She glanced at him, and saw that he was smiling.
"Stop doing that," she sighed.
"Stop doing what?" Skulduggery responded in that gloriously velvet voice of his.
"Stop smiling. The person we want to talk to lives in the only dark house on a bright street. That's not a good sign."
"I didn't realise I was smiling," he said.
They stopped at the door, and Skulduggery made a concerted effort to shift his features. His mouth twitched
downwards. "Am I smiling now?"
"No."
"Excellent," he said, and the smile immediately sprang back up.

A phone beeped quietly and she woke. It was morning. Friday the 30th of April. One day before May 1st, and Greta Dapple's birthday, and the Summer of Light, when the world would tear itself apart. What a cheery, happy thought to wake up to.

Are you kidding? I jumped off a building
of course I'm hurt.

Found something?"
"No, sorry. I thought I had, but, no, it turned out to be, uh ... more floor.

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Ah, bless. I've missed her. Do you have bullets?"

"Uh, no."

Skulduggery paused. "Excellent.

I think zombies are kind of cute."
"Seriously?"
"I may be thinking about bunnies. Which one has the fluffy little tail, zombies or bunnies?"
"Bunnies."
"Then it's bunnies I'm thinking of.

Any moment now, China was about to perspire.

Did you know he once lost a shopping centre? – Stephanie's mum about her dad.

The scepter hadn't bonded to her. Meaning it had already bonded to someone else.
Valkyrie sank down onto her haunches and closed her eyes. "Oh, Alice...

Sanguine took a moment, finding it hard to process the information. He ... this guy uses a wand? For real? He actually uses a wand? Like a wizard? ... Don't the other Necromancers have any sense of pride? What's he gonna do next, fly around on a broomstick? This ain't Harry Potter.

Reading those books is all he does these days. I think he's even read some of them twice. What kind of disturbed individual would read the same book twice, I ask you?

And I don't need to look clever. I am clever. The fact that I look clever is merely a bonus.

There's nothing I would change about the last few years. Valkyrie has proven herself to be an astonishing individual and one I would gladly lay down my life for, such as it is. How many people leading normal lives would you be able to say that about?"
"Until the end," Valkyrie said softly.
Skulduggery looked at her, his head tilting gently.

Scientists are a cold-blooded bunch. Standing by while innocent people are killed, while the power you so generously donated is twisted and warped by the fragile little minds of the ordinary people. I can't believe you thought your plan would ever work. - Darquesse, to Argeddion

Seeing you with a face would be weird. Do you think you'd have hair?"
"Oh yes. Hair is a must."
"Would you have a moustache?"
"Why would I have a moustache?"
"I'm not sure. What about your ears?"
"I'd have ears too, yes."
"I can't imagine you with ears.

Honesty is, honestly, the best policy," said Saracen. "But when honesty doesn't work, lie, and lie convincingly.

What did you do?" Scapegrace asked.
A series of expressions flitted across Clarabelle's face. First, there was indignation, then there was resignation, followed by hope, chased by confusion, and finally knocked down and sat upon by innocence. "Nothing.

her," he said. "She stares. That's what she does

Lament turned to Skulduggery. "Do you want me to hold your hand?"
"I'd rather you didn't."
"Perfectly understandable," Lament said.

Detective, have you ever considered the fact that violence is the recourse of the uncivilised man?" Skulduggery looked back. "I'm sophisticated, charming, suave and debonair, Professor. But I have never claimed to be civilised.

I cannot have chaos erupting around me until I am prepared for it. I am a collector. I am an observer. I don't participate. My resources, and my standing, must be secure before I can allow the uncertainty of war to crash down upon us.

Skulduggery waved at the Hollow Men and they hurtled backwards, then Stephanie felt a gloved hand close around her wrist and she was dragged out of the cavern. Skulduggery sprinted so fast she just allowed herself to be carried along in his wake. He knew exactly where he was going, and within minutes they were at the stone steps, hurrying up out of the caves. They reached the cellar and the key flew from the lock into his hand. The floor groaned and rumbled and closed up. "Will that hold him?" Stephanie asked. "He's got the Sceptre," Skulduggery said. "Nothing will hold him." As if to prove his point, the floor started to crack. "Move!" Skulduggery shouted. They bolted up the stairs and Stephanie glanced back just as the floor vanished in a soft whump of dust and air. They plunged out of the house into the bright sunlight, the Hollow Men right behind. Stephanie was three steps from the yellow car when one of the Hollow Men grabbed her.

That girl," Skulduggery muttered, "never does what she's bloody well told ...

What is it with you women? You come into out lives, you take everythin'! Throughtout the years you got little peces of me, of my very soul, and now? Now you got my damn straight razor! How am I supposed to kill people? How am I supposed to even shave? - Billy-Ray Sanguine

I was going straight for Mantis, but then that bloody gas got in my eyes and, I don't know, some massive bloke reared up in front of me. I hit him, but I swear, it was like hiting a wall."
Gracious nodded. "You hit a wall."
Maybury blinked at him. "I what?"
"I saw it. You ran into a cloud of gas and stumbled around for a second until you reached a wall, and then you shrieked and punched it. It was very heroic.

Why did you have to jump out of the window?"
"You know why," Skulduggery said, walking away.
Axle looked up, tears streaming from his eyes. "Why did he do that? Why?"
Stephanie glowered. "Because doors are for people with no imagination," she said.

She flew at the roof, punching through and crashing through this floor and then the next, swerving now, crashing through a wall, sensing the alarm as Kitana turned. Then she was bursting through, barrelling past Doran and Sean, her fists colliding with Kitana's pretty face. She hit Kitana with the speed of a bullet and the poor girl's head came apart. Her momentum took Darquesse through into the next room, and she touched down, laughing. Back in a good mood. She stepped back through the hole in the wall. Doran and Sean were on their knees, staring at what was left of Kitana.

So you've finally chosen a name."
"Yes. And I'm leaving. Right now."
"Maybe you stand some chance after all. Before you go, will you do me the honour of introducing yourself?"
"Of course," Stephanie said right before she walked out of the apartment. "My name is Valkyrie Cain.

The rain battered the cottage. Valkyrie risked a look up at Skulduggery.
"What is it?" she whispered.
"It's a box," he whispered back.
"What kind of box?"
"A wooden one."
She gave him a look.

Sanguine chuckled. I like you, boy. You got optimism in these bones. I like you so much that I ain't gonna tell you what I did to poor old Jethro, the first Jethro, may he rest in peace, may they someday find his head.

Stephanie: I wouldn't mind a sister either
Tanith: Any chance of that happening?
Stephanie: I can't see what would be in it for my parents. I mean, they have the perfect daughter already - What more could they want?

We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.'
Skulduggery Pleasant

By the way, all joking aside, do I call you Ghastly or Elder Bespoke?'
'You can call me whatever you like.'
Vex nodded. 'Thank you, Gladys.

I'm no hero," said Scapegrace. "I'm just a man, who used to be a woman, who used to be a man. My name is Vaurien Scapegrace, and I have come here to -

Jethro, you have been a most helpful captive."
"Are you ... are you going to let me live?"
Sanguine's grin grew wider. "Not even remotely.

It's a stereotype," he hissed. "It's a damn stereotype and it's harmful. If this catches on, we'll have all sorts of sorcerers running around, waving wands and chanting spells. Do you know how ridiculous we'd look?"
Tanith shrugged. "I liked Harry Potter."
"This ain't about Harry Potter!"
"You liked Harry Potter as well."
"They're good books," he snapped, "but I do not agree with this wand business. All those guys down there, criminals and mobsters and gangsters, and who are they taking orders from? A wizard with a wand. How can they take him seriously? How are they going to take us seriously when we attack?

They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," Valkyrie said.
China glanced at her. "They've obviously never met me.

Sorry I called you Goat-molester," Virgil said. "It was the first thing that came into my head, honestly."
"I don't need your damn apology!"
"Then why are you here?"
"I came here to kick your ass!"
"You might want to do that from a standing position."
"Screw you! I'll get up in my own time!

[..] ...
"What does he look like?" Valkyrie asked.
"Black hair, pretty pale. Ugly scar on his face. Looks like a vamp."
"You should get back inside," Skulduggery said. "Lock the doors."
"You got it, Kemo sabe. I'll keep my crucifix close."
"Vampires aren't scared of a crucifix, Finbar."
"I don't plan to wave it at him, I plan to hit him with it. It's really heavy. I figure I can do some considerable damage to his head." He Stepped back and closed the door.

They have a name for it these days. They have a name for everything these days. They call it Second Lifetime Syndrome, and it happens when a sorcerer watches her family and friends age and die around her. You'll latch on to other mages from that moment on, because what's the point of going through all that pain again? Valkyrie, there are some stark realities you have to face. You're going to look the way you do for the next eighty years. In two hundred years, you'll look twenty-five. You won't be able to form attachments to mortals. They will start to notice something is different about you when they're lined and saggy and you're still young and perky. You're going to have to say goodbye to your parents before they start to ask questions.

I would love to have a battle of wits with you, Bison, but I doubt it would be a fair fight.'
'Shut your face.'
'Exactly my point.

Here lies Valkyrie Cain, who died heroically after falling of a train." At least it rhymed.

We're going to get killed, aren't we?"

"It looks likely. Our only hope is a surprise attack."

"They're looking right at us."

"Dammit.

That's beautiful,' Valkyrie said, looking at it.
Isn't it? This necklace has cost two very fine men their lives. At times, I wear it in tribute to their sacrifice. Other times, I wear it because it goes with this skirt.

I ... I don't, I don't think I can do this."
"Do what?"
It didn't answer.
"Do the tests?"
"I can't work with you when you're like this!" it blurted. "To every one of my specimens, I am the last thing they see! Terrror is what I am used to
terror is what I like! I prefer my subjects to scream and beg, not ask to see results!"
"I'll scream my questions, if that helps."
"It won't," it said sadly. "I'll know you're only trying to make me feel better.

Until next time," Hansard said, "when hopefully, you won't have my father's vomit in your hair.

And Ghastly became aware of Ravel's eyes, brimming with tears, those eyes that had many a lady swooning over him down through the centuries. Those golden eyes.

Donegan Bane and Gracious O'Callahan - the Monster Hunters. Adventurers, inventors, authors of Monster Hunting for Beginners and it's sequels, Monster Hunting for Beginners is Probably Inadvisable and Seriously, Dude, Stop Monster Hunting.

If things go wrong, I'll lead them away. Once it's clear, get back to the car. If you don't see me in five minutes, then I've probably died a very brave and heroic death. Oh and don't Oh, and don't touch the radio
I've got it tuned right where I want it and I don't want you messing that up.

Tanith?" Stephanie whispered. Tanith looked up. "You have something . . ." She pointed to her own head as a hint. "It's a leaf or something."
"Oh, thanks," Tanith said, and put her hand to her hair. She felt around until she found it and pulled it out. She examined it and frowned, looked closer, then her face contorted in disgust and she dropped it on the table. "Oh my God."
"What is it?"
"It's a piece of Hollow Man skin."
Stephanie blanched. "Oh, that's disgusting."
"It was in my hair," Tanith moaned.