Grammar Humor Quotes

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Quotes About Grammar Humor

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#Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006. ~ E.A. Bucchianeri
Grammar Humor quotes by E.A. Bucchianeri
It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening.
If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters. ~ Lemony Snicket
Grammar Humor quotes by Lemony Snicket
Although I don't use it nearly so much anymore, I've decided, five years down the line, that Mr. Treadstone's verdict on 'kind of' was kind of unjust. Obviously, this phrase can be redundant or reductive, or just plain stupid in some sentences, but not in all sentences. I wouldn't, for example, use a sentence like 'Antarctica is kind of cold', or 'Hitler was kind of evil'. But sometimes, things aren't black and white. And sometimes 'kind of' expresses this better than any other phrase. For example, when I tell you that my mother was kind of peculiar, I can think of no better way of putting this. ~ Gavin Extence
Grammar Humor quotes by Gavin Extence
His sentences didn't seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action. ~ Jennifer Crusie
Grammar Humor quotes by Jennifer Crusie
Which is him? The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not know, then, that it would go in a book someday. ~ Mark Twain
Grammar Humor quotes by Mark Twain
I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years. ~ Tina Fey
Grammar Humor quotes by Tina Fey
Kim was more than a little inclined to snarl at him, but in the past few days she had learned that snarling at Mairelon did little good. He simply smiled and corrected her grammar. ~ Patricia C. Wrede
Grammar Humor quotes by Patricia C. Wrede
That's so typical. You won't steal a baby, but you're too lazy to conjugate. ~ Jim Butcher
Grammar Humor quotes by Jim Butcher
The greater part of the world's troubles are due to questions of grammar. ~ Michel De Montaigne
Grammar Humor quotes by Michel De Montaigne
And that was when I said 'Henry, the placement of the comma depends on whether 'I ate grandmother' or 'I ate, grandmother'. ~ Mia Castile
Grammar Humor quotes by Mia Castile
No," I replied testily. "I'm pretty sure 'digital' is Latin for 'fingeral,' so finger cancer equals digital cancer. This is all basic anatomy, Dr. Roland." The Dr. Roland told me that he thought I was overreacting, and the "fingeral" wasn't even a real word. Then I told him that I though he was underreacting, probably because he's embarrassed that he doesn't know how Latin works. Then he claimed that "underrecating" isn't a word either. The man has a terrible bedside manner. ~ Jenny Lawson
Grammar Humor quotes by Jenny Lawson
I am nothing if not misanthropic," declared Sebastian.
"I think you mean philanthropic," said Henry.
"God, you are so perdantic."
"That would be pedantic."
"See! You're even perdantic about the word perdantic. ~ Kevin Ansbro
Grammar Humor quotes by Kevin Ansbro
I sutured split infinitives and hoisted dangling modifiers and wore out the seam of my best flannel skirt. ~ Amor Towles
Grammar Humor quotes by Amor Towles
Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction. ~ Ambrose Bierce
Grammar Humor quotes by Ambrose Bierce
Ill-fitting grammar are like ill-fitting shoes. You can get used to it for a bit, but then one day your toes fall off and you can't walk to the bathroom. ~ Jasper Fforde
Grammar Humor quotes by Jasper Fforde
This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as non-traditional gramar, split infinitives, and the odd wank. ~ Christopher Moore
Grammar Humor quotes by Christopher Moore
Thurber was asked by a correspondent: "Why did you have a comma in the sentence, 'After dinner, the men went into the living-room'?" And his answer was probably one of the loveliest things ever said about punctuation. "This particular comma," Thurber explained, "was Ross's way of giving the men time to push back their chairs and stand up. ~ Lynne Truss
Grammar Humor quotes by Lynne Truss
Despite centuries of English literature, the most famous split infinitive in all of history comes from Star Trek. ~ R. Curtis Venture
Grammar Humor quotes by R. Curtis Venture
Why are they going to disappear him?'
I don't know.'
It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar. ~ Joseph Heller
Grammar Humor quotes by Joseph Heller
If you can spell "Nietzsche" without Google, you deserve a cookie. ~ Lauren Leto
Grammar Humor quotes by Lauren Leto
People who start a sentence with personally (and they're always women) ought to be thrown to the lions. It's a repulsive habit. ~ Georgette Heyer
Grammar Humor quotes by Georgette Heyer
Frankly, I wonder who Frank was, and why he has an adverb all to himself. ~ Jodi Picoult
Grammar Humor quotes by Jodi Picoult
I hear there are now Knightsbridge clinics offering semicolonic irrigation – but for many it may be too late. ~ Lynne Truss
Grammar Humor quotes by Lynne Truss
Those who can, do; those who can't, teach; those who can't teach, police grammar on the Internet. ~ Ruadhan J. McElroy
Grammar Humor quotes by Ruadhan J. McElroy
Nothing could go wrong because nothing had ... I meant "nothing would." No - Then I quit trying to phrase it, realizing that if time travel ever became widespread, English grammar was going to have to add a whole new set of tenses to describe reflexive situations - conjugations that would make the French literary tenses and the Latin historical tenses look simple. ~ Robert A. Heinlein
Grammar Humor quotes by Robert A. Heinlein
It is high time we turned to Grammar now," said Doctor Cornelius, in a loud voice. "Will your Royal Highness be pleased to open Pulverulentus Siccus at the fourth page of his 'Grammatical Garden or the Arbour of Accidence pleasantlie open'd to Tender Wits? ~ C.S. Lewis
Grammar Humor quotes by C.S. Lewis
Cordelia glared at me. 'I expect if someone strapped you to table an swung an axe over your naked quivering flesh like The Pit and the Pendulum, you'd be correcting his grammar'. ~ Victoria Clayton
Grammar Humor quotes by Victoria Clayton
I might not use capital letters. But I would definitely use an apostrophe ... and probably a period. I'm a huge fan of punctuation. ~ Rainbow Rowell
Grammar Humor quotes by Rainbow Rowell
Not long ago, I advertised for perverse rules of grammar, along the lines of "Remember to never split an infinitive" and "The passive voice should never be used." The notion of making a mistake while laying down rules ("Thimk," "We Never Make Misteaks") is highly unoriginal, and it turns out that English teachers have been circulating lists of fumblerules for years. As owner of the world's largest collection, and with thanks to scores of readers, let me pass along a bunch of these never-say-neverisms:

* Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.
* Don't use no double negatives.
* Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; and never where it isn't.
* Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and omit it when its not needed.
* Do not put statements in the negative form.
* Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
* No sentence fragments.
* Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
* Avoid commas, that are not necessary.
* If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
* A writer must not shift your point of view.
* Eschew dialect, irregardless.
* And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
* Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!
* Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
* Writers should always hyphenate between ~ William Safire
Grammar Humor quotes by William Safire
Stupid English."
"English isn't stupid," I say.
"Well, my English teacher is." He makes a face. "Mr. Franklin assigned an essay about our favorite subject, and I wanted to write about lunch, but he won't let me."
"Why not?"
"He says lunch isn't a subject."
I glance at him. "It isn't."
"Well," Jacob says, "it's not a predicate, either. Shouldn't he know that? ~ Jodi Picoult
Grammar Humor quotes by Jodi Picoult
And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before
and thus was the Empire forged. ~ Douglas Adams
Grammar Humor quotes by Douglas Adams
I really do not know that anything has ever been more exciting than diagramming sentences. ~ Gertrude Stein
Grammar Humor quotes by Gertrude Stein
Those spineless types who talk about abolishing the apostrophe are missing the point. ~ Lynne Truss
Grammar Humor quotes by Lynne Truss
If your a fly, fly away ~ Connor Smith
Grammar Humor quotes by Connor Smith
If all I have to do is remain awake to be considered romantic, than I can promise you a great deal of romance in our marriage. ~ Sherry Thomas
Grammar Humor quotes by Sherry Thomas
It's the same reason I don't get Hooters. Why do we need to enjoy chicken wings and boobies at the same time? Yes, they are a natural and beautiful part of the human experience. And so are boobies. But why at the same time? ~ Tina Fey
Grammar Humor quotes by Tina Fey
Eve is married to my credit card, not me ~ Poppet
Grammar Humor quotes by Poppet
Don't you understand?" snarled Rincewind. "We are going over the Edge, godsdammit!"
"Can't we do anything about it?"
"No!"
"Then I can't see the sense in panicking," said Twoflower calmly. ~ Terry Pratchett
Grammar Humor quotes by Terry Pratchett
Reg: Furth's in London. And yes, I know, it's my fault. But as long as I'ver roused the lion, I was going to ask you to speak to him on my behalf.
Alex: You wish me to speak to Furth.
Reg: Well, yes. He's always like you. Just tell him what a noble, upright fellow I am, and how I have always upheld my position with dignity and respect.
Alex: Lie, you mean.
REg: Whatever it takes. ~ Suzanne Enoch
Grammar Humor quotes by Suzanne Enoch
If you turn into a hideous monster and I am sent to slay you, I will remember this and make it as painless as I can, out of respect for you. ~ Jim Butcher
Grammar Humor quotes by Jim Butcher
Annoyed?" said Sophie. "Why should I be annoyed? Someone only filled the castle with rotten aspic, and deafened everyone in Porthaven, and scared Calcifer to a cinder, and broke a few hundred hearts. Why should that annoy me? ~ Diana Wynne Jones
Grammar Humor quotes by Diana Wynne Jones
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign,' just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. ~ Mitch Hedberg
Grammar Humor quotes by Mitch Hedberg
People will buy anything at jumble sales,' I said. 'At the Evacuated Children Charity Fair a woman bought a tree branch that had fallen on the table. ~ Connie Willis
Grammar Humor quotes by Connie Willis
I don't always see humor in things. Especially when I smash my pinky toe into a coffee table leg in the middle of the night. But sometimes I'll see things, or experience things, that make me go, "Huh, maybe that's a bit." ~ Brian Regan
Grammar Humor quotes by Brian Regan
It took a year for us to conceive our second child. This is a common ordeal for the average middle-class American couple that puts off having children until their thirties. We knew so many other couples that had experienced fertility problems and miscarriages that it was more surprising when someone we knew had a child without being consigned to thirty-eight consecutive weeks of bed rest. Turns out God WANTS you to conceive when you're eighteen years old, apparently so that you can spend your twenties miserable and penniless and living in a camper. ~ Drew Magary
Grammar Humor quotes by Drew Magary
I think the scariest person in the world is the person with no sense of humor. ~ Michael J. Fox
Grammar Humor quotes by Michael J. Fox
Sorry, Roy, I just don't trust you enough to believe that you lied. ~ Rich Burlew
Grammar Humor quotes by Rich Burlew
It had been only natural that as she developed into a young woman, she would become physically attracted to him. Certainly every other female in Hampshire was. McKenna had grown into a tall, big-boned male with striking looks, his features strong if not precisely chiseled, his nose long and bold, his mouth wide. His black hair hung over his forehead in a perpetual spill, while those singular turquoise eyes were shadowed by extravagant dark lashes. To compound his appeal, he possessed a relaxed charm and a sly sense of humor that had made him a favorite on the estate and in the village beyond. ~ Lisa Kleypas
Grammar Humor quotes by Lisa Kleypas
What President of the Airline is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids ... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate? ~ David Cross
Grammar Humor quotes by David Cross
The most important thing in art is The Frame. For painting: literally; for other arts: figuratively
because, without this humble appliance, you can't know where The Art stops and The Real World begins. You have to put a 'box' around it because otherwise, what is that shit on the wall? ~ Frank Zappa
Grammar Humor quotes by Frank Zappa
I realized women and humor were linked very closely. ~ Craig Ferguson
Grammar Humor quotes by Craig Ferguson
The big ballpark can do it all! ~ Jerry Coleman
Grammar Humor quotes by Jerry Coleman
The only ironic thing about that song is that it's called 'Ironic' and it is written by a woman who doesn't know what irony is. That's quite ironic when you think about it.

(on Alanis Morissette's 'Ironic') ~ Ed Byrne
Grammar Humor quotes by Ed Byrne
I am content in my later years. I have kept my good humor and take neither myself nor the next person seriously. ~ Albert Einstein
Grammar Humor quotes by Albert Einstein
The impossible did not bother him unduly. If it could not possibly be done, then obviously it had been done impossibly. The question was how? ~ Douglas Adams
Grammar Humor quotes by Douglas Adams
There are probably more of us. If we're all zombies, then
there's got to be more. I say we go up to the cemetery and find out."
"Can we get soda on the way?"
Nothing washes down brains better than a can of Coca Cola and a little shameless product placement. (Hey, the undead do have an image problem.)
"Soda and cemeteries! Soda and cemeteries!" they chanted. "And braaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiins!"
"Hey Bernie, you're getting pretty good at that."
"Okay, you try."
"Braaa - " the zombie belched, " - aiiinsss."
Earl heaved the coroner's body out of the way. They headed off for the cemetery, each trying furiously to perfect their own, unique and personal call for brains like an undead choir, out of tune.
"Braaaaiiiiins!" "Braaiiiiiiiinns!" "Braaaaaaaaaains!" "Bray-uns."
"That was just awful." ...Away into the night. ~ Daniel Younger
Grammar Humor quotes by Daniel Younger
Fortunately, we did most of our athletic stuff inside, so we didn't have to jog through Tribeca looking like a bunch of boot-camp hippie children. ~ Rick Riordan
Grammar Humor quotes by Rick Riordan
Brendan wasn't sure how he felt about having someone defend his honor. He might look like some fairy tale prince, but he'd never thought of himself as soft or weak, someone that needed rescuing. But then he'd never had mobster bitches from hell on his ass either. ~ Darien Cox
Grammar Humor quotes by Darien Cox
I gave him my best cryptic smile. He did not fall down to his feet, kiss my shoes, and promise me the world. I must be getting rusty. ~ Ilona Andrews
Grammar Humor quotes by Ilona Andrews
Love? Love is for children and poor people... ~ Molly Harper
Grammar Humor quotes by Molly Harper
There was nothing like double chocolate chip to solve the sexual problems of women everywhere. ~ Maggie Casper
Grammar Humor quotes by Maggie Casper
The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions? ~ Terry Pratchett
Grammar Humor quotes by Terry Pratchett
She remembered Grace telling her about Lorcan's evasiveness when she'd first joined the Noctourne-his ability to speak without saying anything, to talk in riddles.
He's a conundrum, thought Cheng Li. A walking, talking conundrum ~ Justin Somper
Grammar Humor quotes by Justin Somper
What I want is a beautiful and sophisticated piece of ass that happens to be 'bi. ~ Scott Jonathan Nixon
Grammar Humor quotes by Scott Jonathan Nixon
There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon. ~ Christopher Moore
Grammar Humor quotes by Christopher Moore
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" ~ Henny Youngman
Grammar Humor quotes by Henny Youngman
She just asked me to pick her up some tampons and a Yoo-Hoo." ~Alex Sinclair ~ Jenny B. Jones
Grammar Humor quotes by Jenny B. Jones
Have either of you seen your mother "
"Yeah " Ethan said and my heart actually skipped a beat.
But I should have known Ethan was joking. "Slim lady. Blue eyes and a gray pageboy " he continued his eyes glistening in appreciation of his own humor. "Answers to the name 'Mom'. ~ Rachel Vincent
Grammar Humor quotes by Rachel Vincent
You are speaking of my future lover. Be more respectful. ~ Charlaine Harris
Grammar Humor quotes by Charlaine Harris
It's very hard not to commit cancer suicide in America. ~ Jonathan Ames
Grammar Humor quotes by Jonathan Ames
Then Jix locked eyes with him and said very calmly, "If you hit her, I will open my mouth wide enough to swallow you whole, force you through my bowels, then out my other end."
Avalon scowled at him. "You can't do that."
"Try me," Jix said. Avalon backed off, then angrily stormed away, and Jix winked at Jill. "One in five. ~ Neal Shusterman
Grammar Humor quotes by Neal Shusterman
The question is are you okay?" he asked, looking down at her with concern. "That was quite a spill you took."
"I ... I'm fine." Her gaze centered on his mouth. Then, she did the most torturous thing she could have done to a man whose lower torso was pressed against hers and whose mouth was just a few scant inches from those fleshy, pink lips. She ran her tongue across her lips to wet them. And he thought super glue got hard fast. ~ Lindsey Brookes
Grammar Humor quotes by Lindsey Brookes
I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no. ~ Mike Birbiglia
Grammar Humor quotes by Mike Birbiglia
It is time to buddle (scrub in water) all that is not illutile (unwash-awayable). Baudelaire said that humans were deluded if they thought they could wash away all their spots with vile tears, but Baudelaire was French and therefore knew nothing about hygiene or shower gel. ~ Mark Forsyth
Grammar Humor quotes by Mark Forsyth
They have been having sex for eighteen months now (he realizes he has to make himself stop counting, as if his sexual life is a prison term, and he is working toward its completion). ~ Hanya Yanagihara
Grammar Humor quotes by Hanya Yanagihara
Its Batteries! I just know it! ~ Alison
Grammar Humor quotes by Alison
In happy operating procedure, the breathing is like fresh air through the body. In unkind operating procedure, the fresh air is gone sad."
Fresh air gone sad is a beautiful way to describe the death process. ~ Eric Garcia
Grammar Humor quotes by Eric Garcia
Listen, you machine," he said, "you claim you can synthesize any drink in existence, so why do you keep giving me the same undrinkable stuff?"
"Nutrition and pleasurable sense data," burbled the machine. "Share and Enjoy."
"It tastes filthy!"
"If you have enjoyed the experience of this drink," continued the machine, "why not share it with your friends?"
"Because," said Arthur tartly, "I want to keep them. Will you try to comprehend what I'm telling you? That drink …"
"That drink," said the machine sweetly, "was individually tailored to meet your personal requirements for nutrition and pleasure."
"Ah," said Arthur, "so I'm a masochist on a diet am I?"
"Share and Enjoy."
"Oh, shut up. ~ Douglas Adams
Grammar Humor quotes by Douglas Adams
I like big back-stories and I cannot lie. ~ Max Hawthorne
Grammar Humor quotes by Max Hawthorne
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said. ~ Steven Wright
Grammar Humor quotes by Steven Wright
I don't like to think of it as 'stolen'. They have no proof that I didn't plan on giving it back."
"You're kidding, right?"
He shrugged. "You have no proof either."
She squinted back at him. "Were you planning on giving it back?"
"Maybe."
An orange light blinked on in the corner of Cinder's vision-her cyborg programming picking up on the lie. ~ Marissa Meyer
Grammar Humor quotes by Marissa Meyer
The fact that he relies on facts - says things that are not factual - are going to undermine his campaign. ~ George W. Bush
Grammar Humor quotes by George W. Bush
If you hurt deeply, then it means you love deeply too. love is powerful thing, Jaron. In the end, love will help you win this war."
I chuckled, "that'd be a fine new strategy, I think. When the enemy wields a sword against me, I'll simply express my love for them. They'll be so shocked, they'll collapse on the spot and the victory will be mine."
"I daresay you will be the first to claim victory that way ~ Jennifer A. Nielsen
Grammar Humor quotes by Jennifer A. Nielsen
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