Eoin Colfer Quotes

Onscreen, Foaly rubbed his eyelids with his index fingers.
Yeah, yeah. Here we go. Captain Short goes rogue once more. Hands up who's surprised. Anyone?

Young love is common, but that doesn't mean it's not precious.

Doobie always wanted to see the badge. It was shiny, and he was eight.

I am older and have more control over my empathy,' said Qwan. 'That's why I didn't throw up.' And having said that, he threw up.

Don't feel bad; I regularly reduce people to unintelligible stammers.

He had seen bigger men than he with mummy's handkerchief clutched in on hand and a bloody dagger in the other.

The next minute or so was spent howling on the ceiling . Imp No.1 joined in, but he wasn't really feeling it. It shouldn't be "Who do we hate?", he thought, it really should be "whom", but this probably wasn't a good time to bring that up.

Holly died without a friend to hold her hand. Artemis felt her go, another gift of the magic. He kept on counting, brushing away the tears on his cheeks.

Look at those two. Wasting time. You wouldn't catch me doing that.

Mulch's tongue lolled out, resting on the centaur's neck. "Mmm," he mumbled around his tongue. "Horse. Tasty"
"Let's go," said Foaly nervously. "Let's go right now.

Connor Broekhart was born to fly, or more accurately he was born flying.

Nobody ever got rich by wearing a heart on their sleeve, unless it was someone else's heart.

Artemis ducked. Cudgeon didn't. Guess what? Artemis was smarter.

Oh,It's going to be so easy to kill you,scoffed Opal.

I'm right there with you, darlin'. Unless you step on a landmine, in which case I'm way back in the Operations Room.

What's this?" he inquired, none too pleasantly. "A circus?"
"No, Julius. It's the end of the circus."
"I see. And these are the clowns?"
Foaly's head poked through the doorway.
"Pardon me for interrupting your extended circus metaphor, but what the hell is that?

Victor Vigny: It is like the old fairy tale. The boy saves the princess; they fall in love. He invents a flying machine - along with his dashing teacher, of course. They get married and name thier firstborn after the aforementioned dashing teacher.
Conor: I don't recall that fairy tale from the nursery.
Victor Vigny: Trust me, It's a classic.

The miracle of modern science. The LEP pours millions into your department, Foaly, and all you can do is send Mud Boys to the toilet.

In spite of what youngsters think, parents do not get a sneaky thrill out of punishing their children.

Ignorance, as they say, is usually fatal, but sometimes it can be bliss.

Radomosity, thought Artemis. And he felt like weeping.

That was all he said, except for "Aaaeerrgghhh." Which is not really a word. But the reason that he screamed "Aaaeerrgghhh" was that Franco had bitten him savegly on the wrist.

If you're going to read five books, three should be issues and two for fun.

Artemis remembered a few lines from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland: "But I don't want to go among mad people," said Alice. "Oh, you can't help that," said the cat. "We're all mad here.

Excuse me, Tex, the nurse said, hands on hips. 'Would you mind reining in the voice. There are babies being born in this hospital. We wouldn't want the first sound they hear to be your painful howling. There could be lawsuits.

And suddenly I was afraid. My father, the man whose shoes I had been trying to fill for two years, was awake.
Would he still live up to my expectations? Would I live up to his?

It was no time for mercy, it was time to terminate with extreme prejudice.

You still awake?' asked the anesthetist.
'Nope,' I replied.

The universe has certain rules. Among them are:
He who owns a sharp tool will eventually cut himself.
And:
Laboratory accidents never result in super-hero-type powers.
And most applicable in this case:
He who laughs first gets caught.
The first rule could be, at a stretch, applied to Tony Stark and the Iron Man suit, considering recent events.
One notable exception to the second rule was currently swinging around New York City on a spider web, which did not bear thinking about.

It was calling me, that button," he offered as his excuse. "I couldn't resist." -MULCH DIGGUMS ON A HIGHLY PRESS-ABLE BUTTON-

M...maybe,' I stutter. 'Whatever the reason, this woman has problems. We need to be compassionate, show understanding.'

'Or slice her head off. I have plastic bags.'

Sure. We could toss her in the car beside her partner, then drive to the mall where I dumped Macey and line up all three bodies together in the Lexus. Hell, why not steal Connie's corpse from the morgue to complete the set?

When the moment comes, will you take your chance to be a hero?

Giving evidence against one's employers was the first step to unemployment.

Artemis smiled grimly. And for a moment, he felt like his old, conniving self, before Holly and his mother had introduced him to their pesky moral codes.

Fowl and fairy, friends forever.

That's the last order I'll ever give you Captain. Don't you dare ignore it.

We're being lead by an idiot with a crayon.

I have a lovely office at the back of my house; it's an old stable and you can see right out to the countryside on one side and into the house on the other side.

So, Mr. Digence, home to visit the family?"

"That's right. My mother's folks are from Killarney."

"Oh, really?"

"O'Reilly, actually. But what's a vowel between friends?"

"Very good. You should be on the stage."

"It's funny you should mention that."

The passport officer groaned. Ten more minutes and his shift would have been over. "I was being sarcastic, actually. . ."

"Because my friend, Mr. McGuire, and I are also doing a stint in the Christmas pantomime. It's Snow White. I'm Doc, and he's Dopey."

The passport officer forced a smile. "Very good. Next."

Mulch spoke for the entire line to hear. "Of course, Mr. McGuire there was born to play Dopey, if you catch my drift."

Loafers lost it right there in the terminal. "You little freak!" he screamed. "I'll kill you! You'll be my next tattoo! You'll be my next tattoo!"

Much tutted as Loafers disappeared beneath half a dozen security guards.

"Actors," he said. "Highly strung.

Sometimes Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker was thrown out of a high window and that was the end of him. These days, if you threw someone out of a window, they'd phone their lawyer on the way down.

I am perhaps unusual in that I came to 'Doctor Who' through the numerous novelisations and not through the television show.

It's a game box. They were invented so teenagers wouldn't have to talk to grownups.

If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm crazy. That's the way history is written.

Foaly twitched his tail contentedly. Genius. No point in being humble about it.

Argh? Pathetic and inarticulate. Nice combination. Your mothers must be so proud.

world was dripping down his eyeballs like wet oil paint down a canvas.

Of course. Opal is toying with our emotions for her own gratification. Nothing more. She wishes to place herself in a position of power, emotionally.

If Koboi defeats and presumably murders us both then you can consider the debt null and void.

Caballine likes me to be masterful. She calls me her stallion.

Pizza, pizza,
Fill up your face,
The thicker the pastry,
The better the base!

A metaphorical weight lifted from his allegorical chest and Artemis Fowl felt himself again.

Chief of security : They have a tank! How did they get a tank up here?

Mona was half ninja, half gunslinger, popping off charge after charge into the blue creatures.

What a peach of a night this had turned out to be.

Everett fucking Moreau: master planner.

Like that little French guy who used to get with tall ladies to prove a point. Napoleon.

But not like him at all, except for they both ended up fucked on an island, if he didn't misremember his history. Or maybe it was Huck Finn who got fucked on an island.

Either way, he was the idiot getting fucked on a water-locked landmass this fine evening.

(text message) CMDR ROOT. TRBLE BELOW. HAVN OVRRN BY GOBLINS. PLCE PLAZA SRROUNDED. CUDGEON + OPL KBOI BHND PLOT. NO WPONS OR CMMUNICATIONS. DNA CNONS CNTRLLED BY KBOI. I M TRPPED IN OP BTH. CNCL THNKS IM 2 BLM. IF ALIVE PLSE HLP. IF NOT, WRNG NMBR.

Her glare was so intense that you completely forgot she was wearing pink.

Don't you worry about that, Mr. Adamsson. Why don't you head back to Reykjavik and spend some of that extortionate fee you charged me for a couple of hours' usage of your frankly third-rate restaurant and perhaps find a friendless tree stump to listen to your woes?

And one more thing. About my name - Artemis - you were right. In London, it is generally a female name, after the Greek goddess of archery. But every now and then a male comes along with such a talent for hunting that he earns the right to use the name. I am that male. Artemis the hunter. I hunted you.

You display inordinate pride for someone who has completed a task which could have been performed by a lesser primate in a shorter time.

Hogwarts, it is not, thought the Doctor, realising that no one would appreciate this reference for almost a century.

Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder

No alcohol, Riley." She nodded at the screen. "How are you liking the twenty-first century?"
Riley burped. "The Take That are most melodic. And God bless Harry Potter is all I can say. If not for him, all of London would have been consumed by the dark arts.

This was a nightmare scenario for any bodyguard: stuck in the middle of a transparent tube, several miles underwater, with a murdering band of fugitives at one end and an enthralled but still highly skilled police officer at the other.

Let's save some time here. I grow weary of your clumsy bluffs. In the case of an abduction, the LEP will send a crack Retrieval team to get back what has been lost.. You have done so. Excuse me while I titter. Crack team? Honestly. A Cub-Scout patrol armed with water pistols could have defeated them.

Quickly, Holly," said Artemis urgently. "Follow those bubbles."
Holly opened the throttle. "Now there's an order I never thought I'd hear from you.

And humans will accept any story, however outlandish, when there's something in it for them. Preferably something green that folds.

That, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart.

Oh, I'm crazy all right. I do have plenty of psychoses. Multiple personality, delusional dementia, OCD. I've got them all, but most of all, I'm crazy about you.

You think I suffer, with all the people I have killed, the hundreds of lives I have destroyed. Should not demons visit me at night? Should I not be tormented by guilt? Sometimes I lie still in my be and wait for judgement, but it never arrives.

But then what were physical feelings if not more electrical messages from the brain? Why believe in them either? Was there anything trustworthy in the Universe that one could hug and hold on to in the midst of a butterfly storm, other than a Hawaliusian wind staunch?

No one's ever really ready for a troll.

Very well, I promise. So, what did you get for me?" Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans." "What?" croaked Artemis. "And a T-shirt" ... Artemis took several breaths. "Does the T-shirt have any writing on it?" A rustling of paper crackled through the phone's speakers. "Yes, it's so cool. There's a picture of a boy who for some reason has no neck and only three fingers on each hand, and behind him in this sort of graffiti style is the words RANDOMOSIY. I don't know what that means but it sounds really current." Randomosity though Artemis, and he felt like weeping.

Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.

How do I love thee? wondered Orion. "Let me see. I love thee passionately and eternally ... obviously eternally-that goes without saying." Holly blinked sweat from her eyes. "Is he serious?" she called over her shoulder to Foaly. "Oh, absolutely," said the centaur "If he asks you to look for birthmarks, say no immediately." "Oh, I would never." Orion assured her. "Ladies don't look for birthmarks; that is work for jolly fellows like the Goodly Beast and myself. Ladies, like Miss Short, do enough by simply existing. They exude beauty, and that is enough." "I am not exuding anything." said Holly, through gritted teeth. Orion tapped her shoulder. "I beg to differ. You're exuding right now, a wonderful aura. It's pastel blue with little dolphins." Holly gripped the wheel tightly. "I'm going to be sick. Did he just say pastel blue?" "And dolphins, little ones," said Foaly.

Holly clambered after him, struggling up the human-size steps.
"Wait! Just wait," she called, overtaking Artemis and looking him in the eye from one step up. "I know you, Artemis. You like to play your genius card close to your chest until the big reveal. And that's worked out for us so far. But this time you need to let me in. I can help. So, tell me the truth, do you have a plan?"
Artemis met his friend's gaze and lied to her face.
"No," he said. "No plan.

He took a deep, shuddering breath. Okay. I said it, it's out there. And I am fine now. So let's move on, shall we? What's the plan?

Certain battles were won by retreating.

Cosmo was halfway through a particularly nasty dream involving two Parasites, Ziplock, and a hair dryer,

Holly: Seven and a half hours to save the world. Isn't there some law that says we get twenty-four?
Artemis: I don't think Opal pays much attention to laws.

If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose then I'm mad. That's the way history is written

Mortals, screw 'em.

something no good security man would permit.

I just pulled a pretty big job and needed to hide out for awhile."
" ... Where's all the loot?"
"That, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart."
Artemis put two and two together and arrived at a very unpleasant four.
"You were here to rob me!"
"No, I wasn't. How dare you?!

You know you're in trouble when your own imagination starts punishing you.

Friendship isn't a science mudboy. Just do what you think is right.

She strode across the McGraney boundary without a backward glance, legs cutting twin swatches in the green-black grass. Dawn sunlight simmered on the tip of each blade, and Holly's passage set a surging ripple of light flashing across the meadow.
Extraordinary, thought Artemis. What have I lost?

Don't worry chief,"said foaly,"It's like riding a unicorn,you never forget.

Artemis: How long will it take you to prepare the time spell?
N1 chewed his knuckle: About as long as it takes you to take your clothes off.
"Aaarrk," Artemis half choked.

I feel like Alice falling into Wonderland.
A line came to him: It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.

Trust me. I haven't been wrong yet.

I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.

Orion:"Oh, how I pray that dragon will turn 'round so that I may smite it."
Foaly: "Smite it with what? Your secret birthmark?"
Orion: "Don't you mock my birthmark, which I may or may not have.

We lost the crickets.

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket.

[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch's version of a briefing.
The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones. Mulch was using a carrot as a pointer, or more accurately, several carrots. Dwarfs liked carrots.
'This is Koboi Labs,' He mumbled around a mouthful of vegetable.
'That?' exclaimed Root.
'I realize, Julius, that it is not an accurate schematic.'
The Commander exploded from his chair. 'An accurate schematic? It's a rectangle for heaven's sake!'
Mulch was unperturbed. 'That's not important. This is the important bit.'
'That wobbly line?'
'It's a fissure,' pouted the dwarf. 'Anybody can see that.'
'Anybody in kindergarten maybe. So it's a fissure, so what?'
'This is the clever bit. Y'see that fissure is not usually there.'
Root began strangling the air again. Something he was doing more and more lately.

It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.
Opal tapped this into her notepad.
Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?

You didn't foresee a troll-riding dwarf pushing your plane down the runway. You must be losing your touch, Artemis. He

There is no such thing as a happy ending. Every culture has a maxim that makes this point, while nowhere in the Universe is there a single gravestone that reads 'He Loved Everything About His Life, Especially the Dying Bit at the End'.

I can't imagine what they're planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it, and it won't be legal.

Remember this? You gave it to me for ensuring your trigger finger got reattached to your hand. You said it would remind me of that spark of decency inside me. I'm trying to do something decent now, Captain.