Funny Golfing Quotes

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. You get bad breaks from good shots; you get good breaks from bad shots - but you have to play the ball where it lies. ~ Bobby Jones

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

I never learned anything from a match that I won. ~ Bobby Jones

You swing your best when you have the fewest things to think about. ~ Bobby Jones

Never break your putter and your driver in the same round or you're dead. ~ Tommy Bolt

The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. ~ Tom Mulligan

I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot. ~ Don Adams

There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray. ~ Lee Trevino

Of all the hazards, fear is the worst. ~ Sam Snead

If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out. ~ Paul Gallico

Golf isn't like other sports where you can take a player out if he's having a bad day. You have to play the whole game. ~ Phil Blackmar

One thing about golf is you don't know why you play bad and why you play good. ~ George Archer

To give yourself the best possible chance of playing to your potential, you must prepare for every eventuality. That means practice. ~ Seve Ballesteros

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead. ~ Bob Hope

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch. ~ Lee Trevino

Keep close count of your nickels and dimes, stay away from whiskey, and never concede a putt. ~ Sam Snead

Find a man with both feet firmly on the ground and you've found a man about to make a difficult putt. ~ Fletcher Knebel

Fate is a funny thing, isn't it? ~ Winna Efendi

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

Life isn't a cabaret. It's a dive bar. ~ Woody Paige

One takes what the river offers, both good and bad. The joy of living by running water far outweighs the sorrow. ~ Matt Goldman

Rumo!" said Rumo.
"That's right!" Smyke exclaimed. "You Rumo, me Smyke."
"You Rumo, me Smyke." Rumo repeated eagerly.
"No, no." Smyke chuckled. ~ Walter Moers

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. ~ Henny Youngman

Hey, I am thinking of it myself, in this part of world (East), we all do endeavors in praying and are sweating (white liquid) and this is our situation, frustrated , but on the other part of world (West) ,they are enjoying in party and drinking liquor (white liquid) but their situation is that, successful, I do not know that the problem relates to the type of liquid or the way of drinking!! ~ Ali Shariati

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building ... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done." ~ Steven Wright

Right." A soft, choked laugh. "Kind of ruins the dramatic effect if I'm storming off in the wrong direction, doesn't it? ~ Kelley Armstrong

I like you a lot. Because you're funny and smart and because you seem to like me. I know that's not a good reason, but I can't help it; if a girl likes me I tend to like her back [ ... ] I like you for all this stuff but I also kind of like you for the cuts on your face - ~ Ned Vizzini

I feel that life is short, so we should be disciplined, but at the same time we should have a good time. ~ Wyclef Jean

He took a meditative puff on his stogy, and informed himself that time was a funny thing. Old Man Time just walked along, and he didn't even blow a How-do-you-do through his whiskers. He just walked on past you. Things just change. ~ James T. Farrell

I said, names aren't important," he repeated. There was a silence between them for some seconds, then the Ranger said: "Do you know what is important?"
Will shook his head.
"Supper is important! ~ John Flanagan

All right then, you should know that you missed out on mocha sugar donuts."
My mouth falls open. "How'd you get those? I thought the shop didn't open that early!"
"I went out and got them last night specifically for the bus ride," Peter says. "For you and me."
Aw. I'm touched. "Well, are there any left?"
"Nope. I ate them all."
He looks so smug that I reach out and swat at his hoodie strings. "You creep," I say, but I mean it affectionately.
Peter grabs my hand mid-swat and says, "Wanna hear something funny?"
"What?"
"I think I started liking you."
I go completely still. Then I pull my hand away from his, and I start to gather my hair into a ponytail, and then I remember I don't have a hair tie. My heart is thudding in my chest and it's hard to think all of a sudden. "Stop teasing."
"I'm not teasing. Why do you think I kissed you that day at McClaren's house back in seventh grade? It's why I went along with this thing in the first place. I've always thought you were cute."
My face feels hot. "In a quirky way."
Peter grins his perfect grin. "So? I guess I must like quirky, then. ~ Jenny Han

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks. ~ Bill Watterson

Funny how to celebrate peace we seem to want to simulate war. ~ Anthony Doerr

And you'd think that killing people would make them like you, but it doesn't. It just- it just makes them dead. ~ Joe Walker

I suppose when you say you slept with him, it was more than just a nap?"
Lillian shot her a withering glance. "Daisy, don't be a pea wit. ~ Lisa Kleypas

I thought, What a miserable life he's had, having to hide his religion, his name, just to get a job
as a driver - and he is a good driver, no question of it, a far better one than I will ever be.Part of
me wanted to get up and apologize to him right there and say, You go and be a driver in Delhi.
You never did anything to hurt me. Forgive me, brother.
I turned to the other side, farted, and went back to sleep. ~ Aravind Adiga

We're in a psuedoscientific technobabble. ~ Jasper Fforde

The thing that's funny is that everyone thinks I'm dead. ~ Charles Nelson Reilly

I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world's best ventriloquist. ~ Michael Summers

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny. ~ Joan Rivers

I make some jokes about it, but they're not funny and just add to the depression. ~ Robert M. Pirsig

So…you're not going to tell me what they mean? C'mon. What's the Hob? Why Forks?"

When I stand, I switch to my blatantly rude, you're-an-idiot tone. This is the one that always pisses off my mom. To be sure he's not missing my insult this time, I also cross my arms and speak very slowly like I'm speaking to a toddler. "The Hob is from The Hunger Games books. It's the underground market where the characters trade food and information. Forks would be the town in Twilight. The setting. In boy-speak, Forks equals the planet Tatooine for Star Wars. You know - Anakin Skywalker's childhood home? Or are you not familiar with any global blockbusters? I suppose I could use Sesame Street or Pokémon for a reference - if it would help you understand better?"

Bam. That should seal it. I couldn't have sounded more like a total bitch.

He nods. "No, I've got it. My bedroom was Tatooine for all of third and fourth grade. Boy-speak…that's funny." He laughs again, and it sounds warm and - and - not at all offended! ~ Anne Eliot

We British say "to put the world to rights." I've discovered that that's not the way Americans say it and people scratch their heads and say, "Funny ... what does he mean by that?" It means to fix the thing, to make it all better again. ~ N. T. Wright

The doctor's wife ate two apples a day, just to be safe. But her husband kept coming home. ~ Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Who cares even if I didn't?!" Conor shouted back. "They're just stupid berries. Woo-hoo, so scary. Oh, please, please, save me from the berries!"
The monster looked at him quizzically. How strange, it said. The words you say tell me you are scared of the berries, but your actions seems to suggest otherwise. ~ Patrick Ness

The funny thing about war is that people feel you need to be morally outraged. I feel morally outraged about it, and I've been doing it for long enough to feel morally outraged, because I have been in massacre scenes in West Africa, and I've been doing this for a long time now. ~ Tim Hetherington

What the heck kind of name was Sir? ~ Cherise Sinclair

I remember the number to the school's desk because last year,
Molly thought it would be funny to prank-call a teacher and
tell them that the queen wanted to come on a royal visit. We
got detention for a week. I assure you, my friends are a very bad
influence on me. ~ Sophie Wilkinson