Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

You might be a redneck if you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You might be a redneck if when you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love.

You might be a redneck if your grandfather completely executes the pull my finger trick at the family reunion.

You might be a redneck if your daughter's Barbie's Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
road construction, you may live in Canada

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says Say No To Crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

If someone at Fleet Farm offers you assistance and they don't work there you might live in Wisconsin.

You might be a redneck if you own at least 20 baseball hats.

You might be a redneck if your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest their money in commemorative plates.

You might be a redneck if the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

You might be a redneck if the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

If you think a quaterhorse is that ride in front of Kmart.. You might be a rednneck

You might be a redneck if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up ... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord ... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'

You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.

Children that play outside develop better problem solving skills and have a stronger ability to work within a group.

You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing I Will Always Love You.

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.

You might be a redneck if you entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.

Any job that posts a price list for your body parts is a bad job.

You might be a redneck if your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

When I did the sitcom I was too naive. I thought, Well, they know what they're talking about, let's do that.

You might be a redneck if you won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

As an individual, as a household, you can't spend more money than you're bringing in. You can do it for a little while, but you end up going broke and you end up losing everything you have. That is the path that we're on as a country, and it scares me to death.

You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

Women in bed are like Diesel engines. What I mean by that is, it may take them a while to get going, but when you do, they can go for a long, long time. Whereas men are like ... bottle rockets.

If you don't have anything good to say about someone, you must be talking about Hillary Clinton.

You might be a redneck if your parakeet knows the phrase Open up, Police!

I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.

There's a whole segment of the population with a mentality that bases good times on where they can go and what they can buy.

You might be a redneck if your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You might be a redneck if taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.

In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

You might be a redneck if you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

If you think fast food is hittin a deer att 65 miles per hr..
you might be a redneck

You might be a redneck if you have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You might be a redneck if your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

You might be a redneck if the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.

You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

You might be a redneck if you have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

I'll just have itchy, watery eyes!

You might be a redneck if your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

You might be a redneck if you have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You might be a redneck if your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

You might be a redneck if your dogs name is Miller Light

You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex.

You might be a redneck if you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You might be a redneck if your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

I love comedy. God has given me this platform.

My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.

I actually had a chance to be in Delta Farce, but I couldn't do it because I read the script.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day ... to whip our ass.

You might be a redneck if people hear your car long before they see it.

You might be a redneck if you have every episode of Hee Haw on tape.

Redneck is: the glorious absence of sophistication

My wife is like, You finally get your own TV show, you can have any kind of car you want and you get a darned truck. But my brother and I have the same kind of truck now.

I know God is real.

Sacrificing myself to kill Hilary Clinton was the best thing I could possibly do for humanity

You might be a redneck if ... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.

As an actor, there was that freedom of not having to worry about lights or marks or other people. It was just going out there and having fun with the character.

You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them.

You might be a redneck if every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

I was talking to Alan Jackson. He had his second Greatest Hits album. He said, You don't ever get into this really thinking you're gonna make it.

If you break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

You might be a redneck if ... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.

You might be a redneck if your 'huntin dog' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You may be a redneck if ... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You might be a redneck if the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday.

You might be a redneck if your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

I'm two decisions away from putting up drywall for a living. I am, and there's nothing wrong with that, but whatever I got, it's through the grace of God, and I've got to use it right.

You may be a redneck if ... you think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

You might be a redneck if ... the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.