Inappropriate But Funny Quotes

You had a talk? You think talk got us out of Egypt or Entebbe? Uh-uh. Plague and Uzis. Talk gets you a good place in line for a shower that isn't a shower. ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

There is no need for that language, or for the yelling, I'm on the phone with you, not a thousand miles away. I can hear you perfectly."
He was such a dickhead ~ L.A. Casey

The promos with all of the beautiful women probably attracted some men, but the mystery story line is pretty cool. It's got that dark edge, and people will watch anything funny. ~ James Denton

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil. ~ Jim Norton

I don't know if there is a gene for comedy, but my dad was a very funny man. He just didn't know it. He was a naturally funny character, and when my brother and I would laugh at things he said and did, he would say, 'What do you think is so funny?' ~ James Belushi

Fifteen birds in five firtrees,
their feathers were fanned in a fiery breeze!
But, funny little birds, they had no wings!
O what shall we do with the funny little things?
Roast 'em alive, or stew them in a pot;
fry them, boil them and eat them hot? ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

What can I be thinking of? Just imagine my not having presented myself to you even yet! But as a matter of fact I do not want to tell you my name
out loud; it is a romantic one, utterly inappropriate to the typically modern environment in which we now stand. Ah,
if we were only on the steep side of some mountain with the moon like a great lamp above us, or by the shore of
some wild ocean, there would be some glamour in proclaiming my identity in the silence of the night, or in the midst of lightning and thunder as a hurricane swept the seas! But here in a third-floor suite of the Royal Palace
Hotel, surrounded by telephones and electric lights, and standing by a window overlooking the Champs Elysees-> it would be positively anachronistic!" He took a card out of his pocket and drew near the little writing desk. "Allow me, Princess, to slip my card into this drawer, left open on purpose, it would seem," and while the princess uttered a little cry she could not repress, he did just that. "And now, Princess," he went on, compelling her to retreat before him as he moved to the door of the anteroom opening on to the corridor, "you are too well bred, I am sure, not to wish to conduct your visitor to the door of your suite." His tone altered abruptly, and in a deep imperious voice that made the princess quake he ordered her: "And now, not a word, not a cry, not a movement until I am outside, or I will kill you! ~ Marcel Allain

Yeah, because you know what happened to Goldilocks, right? The big…" He leaned in closer. "Bad…." Closer still. "Bear ate her all up." His face once more had that neutral assessing expression he habitually wore, except for his eyes that roiled with heated intent.
"I think." Nell swallowed. "You're getting your fairy tales mixed up. I believe it was Goldilocks who ate porridge."
"Nah, Goldilocks got too sassy. There was eating… but it definitely wasn't porridge. ~ Jane Cousins

I was shown into a room. A red room. Red wallpaper, red curtains, red carpet. They said it was a sitting-room, but I don't know why they'd decided to confine its purpose just to sitting. Obviously, sitting was one of the things you could do in a room this size; but you could also stage operas, hold cycling races, and have an absolutely cracking game of frisbee, all at the same time, without having to move any of the furniture.
It could rain in a room this big. ~ Hugh Laurie

God is funny. He had a funny day when he made me. A funny, thoughtful, crazy day. He gave me a physique by which I would be so easily and so quickly judged, then gave me a mind by which I would so deeply magnetize, He put within me a heart with small, fast wings that I can hardly, barely handle, and then gave me a voice that hides behind everything in whispers. Oh, and also put a pen in my hand which writes me into madness! How can anyone possibly understand me? But I don't think God cared about that thought, when He made me! How ridiculously unfair! ~ C. JoyBell C.

I was used and tricked and thrown away, but I cannot be forgiven. It's a funny thing. You go your whole life thinking you're the protagonist, but really, you're just the backstory. The boys shrug and go on, they fight and blow things up and half of them do much worse... and still get a key to the city, and eventually you're just a story your high school boyfriend tells the kid he had with his new wife. ~ Catherynne M. Valente

Did you just call me a numpty?"
"Yup. A delusional one."
"What, may I ask, is a numpty?"
"A person demonstrating a lack of knowledge of a situation; a silly person; an idiot; a dumbass. A delusional numpty: Joss Butler's stupid, idiotic, blind misconception of the true nature of her relationship with my brother, Braden Carmichael." She glowered at me, but it was an Ellie glower so it didn't really count.
I nodded my head. "Numpty. Good word."
She threw a cushion at me. ~ Samantha Young

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. ~ Winston Churchill

Generally it appears the case that, when faced with all life's problems, the baby, he wants to cry about everything, the child wants to question everything, the teenager wants to rebel against everything, the young adult wants to solve everything, the middle-aged adult wants to protect everything, and the elder wants to accept everything. ~ Criss Jami

Bugger off kitty!" - Ryou

"But before we begin this duel to the death, I have just one question. Could I get a hug?" - Melvin

"Help! This supermodel is one of my fangirls!" - Ryou

"A locked door?! Impossiblllllll- No wait, that's totally possible. What am I talking about?" - Melvin

"Let's ditch the tosser!" - Ryou

"What a lovely day." - Melvin

"Gangway; women and shemales first!" -Ryou

"This door is a bitch!" - Melvin

"Can I be the main character now?" - Ryou

"'STAB'. (Denied.) 'KILL'. (Denied.) 'MUTIL-' Ah dammit, there aren't enough spaces! Umm... 'PAIN'. (Denied.) Why are these the only words I know?!" - Melvin

"I'm here to kick ass and drink cups of tea. And I'm all out of tea." - Ryou ~ Little Kuriboh Ryou And Melvin

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away ~ Benjamin Franklin

It's funny how you can live somewhere your whole life, but not really see it. ~ Kami Garcia

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money. ~ David Letterman

It seems like I've only shut my eyes for a few minutes, but when I open them, I flinch at the sight of Haymitch sitting a couple of feet from my bed. Waiting. Possibly for several hours if the clck is right. I think about hollering for a witness, but I'm going to have to face him sooner or later.

Haymitch leans forward and dangles something on a thin white wire in front of my nose. It's hard to focus on, but I'm pretty sur what it is. He drops it in to the sheets. "That is your earpiece. I will give you exactly one more chance to wear it. If you remove it from your ear again, I'll have you fitted with this." He holds up some sort of metal headgear that I instantly name the head shackle. "It's alternative audio unit that locks around your skull and under your chin until it's opened with a key. And I'll have the only key. If for some reason you're clever enough to disable it" ---- Haymitch dumps the head shackle on the bed and whips out a tiny silver chip--- "I'll authorize them to surgically implant this transmitter into your ear so that I may speak to you twenty-four hours a day."
Haymitch in my head full-time. Horrifying. "I'll keep the earpiece in," I mutter
"Excuse me?" He says
"I'll keep the earpiece in!" I say loud enough to wake half the hospital.
"You sure? Because I'm equally happy with any of the three options," he tells me
"I'm sure," I say. I scrunch up the earpiece protectivley in my fist and fling the head shakle back in ~ Suzanne Collins

A lot of actors talk about doing their homework, but very few of them do it. ~ Tony Scott

I thought you had to go to The Hall?" she said.
"To learn?" Dar looked genuinely surprised. "No, Kale, Wulder is everywhere, therefore His lessons are everywhere."
"I know Wulder made all things, and Pretender tried to copy His work. But I didn't know Wulder is everywhere. How could that be?"
"You're thinking of Wulder as having a body and moving from place to place." Dar stood and pivoted in a circle with his arms outstretched. "Wulder is everywhere. You can see His power by recognizing His work. When a flower opens, that's His work. When the stars twinkle at night, that's His work."
He paused, facing her. He let his arms fall to his sides. "Look at me, Kale. Right now, I am standing with Wulder all around me. I'm under His protection, within His will, standing on His pledge. And Wulder is, at the very same moment, in me."
"Me, too?" asked Kale.
"Yes." Dar knelt in front of her, his earnest face only inches away.
She looked into his dark brown eyes and saw strength and peace. She wondered at his patience with her. Often her marione masters gruffly explained things they thought she should already understand.
Dar winked before he continued, his funny face serious and yet cheerful at imparting what must be old knowledge to him. "So many people don't know who Wulder is or what He's capable of doing. Their ignorance doesn't make Wulder less of a being; it makes them less. Until they know, they can't be whole."
He leaned back and sighe ~ Donita K. Paul

Artemis: I am not buoyed by that.
Foaly: You are not supposed to be buoyed by that. You are supposed to be equalized.
Mulch: I'm pretty sure that both of you just made really horrible jokes. But I'm not sure because I think you broke my funny bone. ~ Eoin Colfer

Holy shit."
"Yeah. If sex with you is that good, it may kill me," I laughed.
Remi jerked back, a scowl on his face, and then punched me. Well, shit, he certainly hadn't pulled the hit, but I guess I deserved it. Fuck, what was I thinking? I knew immediately that was the wrong choice of words.
"Not funny. Seriously not funny."
"Sorry. That was really…. Yeah. My bad." I kissed his forehead.
"Say something like that again and you won't have to worry about the sex killing you." Remi took a deep breath and narrowed his eyes. "I will."
"Point taken ~ M.A. Church

Maybe we should have gone with him," he said, a few minutes after his friend was lost to sight.
"Three of us would make four times the noise he will," Halt said.
Horace frowned, not quite understanding the equation. "Wouldn't three of us make three times the noise?"
Halt shook his head. "Will and Tug will make hardly any noise. Neither will Abelard and I. But as for you and that moving earthquake you call a horse ... " He gestured at Kicker and left the rest unsaid. ~ John Flanagan

If she moved her head all the way up against the wall and tilted it to the left she could just see the edge of the moon through the bars. Just a silver sliver, almost close enough to eat. A sliver of cheese, a sliver of cake, a cup of tea to be polite. Someone had given her a cup of tea once, someone with blue-green eyes and long ears. Funny how she couldn't remember his face, though. All that part was hazy, her memory of him wrapped in smoke but for the eyes and ears. And the ears were long and furry. ~ Christina Henry

Because when I first saw you I thought-no, I knew-you were special. Because I still think that every time I look at you. Because I think you're smart and funny and brave. But most of all," he grins at me- "because I like questions. ~ Elizabeth Scott

There are so many funny people and so many talented people, but the one thing nobody else has is my take on the world. So, when I'm developing my show, that's going to be the focus. ~ Ross Mathews

I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn't like it is because it's not funny. We [americans] have made jazz funny. ~ Paul Provenza

I can't see through clothes or anything. Just glamour skin. Except I can see through all of you, since your clothes aren't real." I stopped, horrified. "I mean, I don't look - It's hard to see you, and I like looking at your real face, but I don't try to see anything, because - Oh gosh, this sounds terrible."
He had a funny look on his face, like he wasn't sure what to think. "Huh. That's never been an issue before. Maybe next time you could bring me some shorts. ~ Kiersten White

I meant to be nice, but there were so many other options. ~ Anonymous

I've worked a lot with Noah Baumbach, and he doesn't make it easy to like his characters, but the stories are funny and witty and there's an edge to that kind of humanity. ~ Ciaran Hinds

God made only water, but man made wine. ~ Victor Hugo

You boys may be gentlemen," Dusty said. "But I'm about to shoot like a lady. You ready, baby? ~ Stephanie Kate Strohm

When I first saw Ellie, I knew it was her
she was my fantasy. I didn't want it to be true, but every time I met her it was obvious, and the funny thing was that she was better than the fantasy, like I got more stuff than I'd imagined. ~ Jenny Downham

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average. ~ Adam Carolla

What? No heartbeat? Huh. Funny. Moving on, the bigger problem is why do I have circles under my eyes?' "And he'd say, 'Wait a second. Did you hear me? No heart!' And we'd be all 'Yes, yes, we heard you. But other than missing a major organ, what's wrong with me?' And then he'd go on and on about the whole no-heart thing, and then I would try to distract him by doing that dance I do - you know, the one that looks like the running man. . . . But before I finish my entire routine, the doctor would be texting the CIA to tell them about my lack of heart, and the rounds of involuntary government testing would begin. ~ Brodi Ashton

Brodie found herself frowning in confusion, the rugged handsome one was making no sense. "But I just want to have sex with you… no commitment, no sharing. If anything, I would prefer it if you didn't talk at all, before, during, or after the act. ~ Jane Cousins

The notes I handle no better than many pianists. But the pauses between the notes - ah, that is where the art resides. ~ Artur Schnabel

Keith much preferred cats. A cat wouldn't go mad at a man traversing a wall in the dead of night; it would shrug and lick its arse ~ Simon Dunn

I swear I've good morals. It's just that bad ones befriend me. I'm a friendly person, you know. But I will talk to them. Believe you me. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Once in a while, I played second base; once in a while, outfield. But those were just pickup games and softball leagues. So when I bought the Yankees, I tried to stay one pace ahead of the players. ~ George Steinbrenner

You died on the island," he says. "We could have gone somewhere else, but there's not much point when it's all falling apart." He gives me a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. "Any plans before that happens? You could always get blackout drunk with me. We could sing inappropriate songs, dress like pirates, and dance over the entrails of our enemies."

I wrinkle my nose. "Is that something I enjoy?"

"Not yet. But only because you've never tried it. I assure you, it comes highly recommended."

"By whom?"

"By me." He huffs. "Honestly, Aileana, everyone ought to dress up like an inebriated pirate at least once. It's much more fun killing things in costume. ~ Elizabeth May

Well, first I tried just telling her the truth. That if you kiss her, you'll die. She started crying hysterically."
"Oh, good thinking," I say, lifting the cup of hot chocolate to my mouth. Why hadn't I thought of that right off?
"Yeeeah, turns out not so much. I thought that might have worked since, you know, she's supposedly in love with you, but then being a total psychopath and all, she started blubbering, 'I'd rather have one perfect passionate kiss with Haden and lose him forever, than to have never kissed him at all.'"
I almost choke on a sip of hot chocolate. It burns my throat. ~ Bree Despain

Dave and Serge...played the Fiddler's Elbow as if it were Giants Stadium, and even though it was acoustic, they just about blew the place up. They were standing on chairs adn lying on the floor, they were funny, they charmed everyone in the pub apart from an old drunk ditting next to the drum kit...who put his fingers firmly in his ears during Serge's extended harmonica solo. It was utterly bizarre and very moving: most musicians wouldn't have bothered turning up, let alone almost killing themselves. And I was reminded...how rarely one feels included in a live show. Usually you watch, and listen, and drift off, and the band plays well or doesn't and it doesn't matter much either way. It can actually be a very lonely experience. But I felt a part of the music, and a part of the people I'd gone with, and, to cut this short before the encores, I didn't want to read for about a fortnight afterward. I wanted to write, but I didn't want to read no book. I was too itchy, too energized, and if young people feel like that every night of the week, then, yes, literature 's dead as a dodo.

(Nick's thoughts after seeing Marah at a little pub called Fiddler's Elbow.) ~ Nick Hornby

Alice opened the door when I rang. She had on green pyjamas and held a hairbrush in one hand. She looked wearily at Quinn and spoke wearily: "Bring it in."
I took it in and spread it on a bed. It mumbled something I could not make out and moved one hand feebly back and forth, but its eyes stayed shut. ~ Dashiell Hammett

It's funny how people can take up so much room
in your heart
but you still have plenty left
for someone else ~ Marilyn Hilton

[William] Klein has eyes like a knife. He is ruthless and outrageous but never mean - he is tender and funny and violent - and, I'm sure, really in love with our crazy Rome. ~ Sophia Loren

He truly wasn't very funny but:

1. Apart from Kyazike, who is ten times as funny as me, I don't find anyone as funny as me, even in this, the darkest period of my life.

2. Actually, no man is as funny as me or any woman I've ever met. ~ Candice Carty-Williams

Don't fight with the pillow, but lay down your head And kick every worriment out of the bed. ~ Edmund Vance Cooke

It was funny, what friendship meant in Rebecca's world. It mainly meant lunch, twice a year, and the occasional dinner party, except for Dorothea, who was an old school friend, a genuine friend. Rebecca had realized, ruefully, that she should have made more friends in school; they seemed to be the only ones women really talked to honestly because the shared history meant fewer lies were available to them. With the others shared meals had become a substitute for intimacy, but not the kind of substitute that allowed for dark nights of the soul, calls at 1:00 A.M., tears and drinking and despair in pajamas. ~ Anna Quindlen

I was always funny, but I wasn't a great musician, and I wanted to be a musician way more than I wanted to be a comic. I just didn't think comedians were cool when I was a kid. ~ Greg Behrendt