Louis C.K. Quotes

People say there's delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there. Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you're home.

Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.

I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.

To me, there's a huge difference between criticism and reviewing. I really love reading good criticism of television and film. To me, a critic is someone who analyzes a show, describes it, talks about the people in it, puts it in historical context of other shows like it, compares it and stuff, and then talks about the intent of the show and whether it failed or didn't.

Television for a child creates such a high bar of stimulus that nothing else competes. A beautiful day is absolute crap to a kid who watches tv.

I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.

Here's how my brain works: It's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis.

Life's too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee.

I remember the day I saw my hair was thinning. I don't remember caring much. I don't care. It's just hair. It never bothered me much. I was pretty young, too. And it happened and is happening very slowly. I have a feeling dead people get really mad when we complain about losing hair.

Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in a while go 'Uh, I'm kind of an asshole.

That's a good question. I don't really remember what it was like before. Whatever I had going on, it was bullshit. It wasn't important. It's kind of a nice thing about being a dad. My identity is really about them now, and what I can do for them, so it sort of takes the pressure off of your own life. What am I going to do, who am I? Who cares, you've got to get your kids to school. So I like it that way.

I would rather be with my kids than anybody else.

Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans? They're made of candy!"

I do love standup. I love comedians. They're my community. Also, because I know so many of them, I know the value of them. I know what they can do.

Stand-up is probably the most solo performance in art.

Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars ... If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.

One time, I threw a candy wrapper on the street. I was with a friend who said to me, You just littered on the street! Don't you care about the environment? And I thought about it, and I said, You know what? This isn't the environment. This is New York City. New York City is not the environment. New York City is a giant piece of litter. Next to Mexico City, it's the shittiest piece of litter in the world. Just a pussy, runny, smokin', stinkin' piece of litter.

I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.

Dating is horrible, it's awful. I don't get it. It's like you're standing there: 'Hi. Do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn't?' It's horrible. And it's awkward at 42 because I don't have the body or the drive. I just sit in the car and hope somebody gets in.

This kind of thing is so awkward and horrible, and from your end, you know it must… Okay, I'm just going to come out and tell you: I'm asking you out. That's what I'm doing. Please don't answer yet, because I know you might have a "No" queued up in your head already, but will you please let me say a few things?

I know that being a woman in New York must be hard, because it's basically disappointing that you try to be nice to men as human beings, and then they respond by just torpedoing to your vagina. And I want you to know that I'm aware that you're young and beautiful - and I'm not… either of those things. And part of me knows that as soon as my lips stop moving, you're going to say no. But please think of the fact that it's low risk what I'm asking.

You just come out with me for a drink, and even if you got up in the middle of the one drink, I wouldn't hold it against you. Just make a judgement based on nothing horrible would happen if you came out with me. I think you're so attractive. I'm attracted to you because you're nice, and you're a decent person, and those are probably the reasons you want people to be attracted to you, right? Also, you're horribly cute. I mean, you're cute as hell.

And I grow on people - women. Some times go by, and you get past the bald head and that I sweat a lot and I'm lumpy… I've run out of things to say. Can you just tell me now? Did this work?

There's a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It's literally 70% or 80% of your workload, is showing them the material, getting their notes and presenting it to them and making sure they weigh in. It's a huge amount of work.

To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.

A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.

Everything that people say is testable.

The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.

The part that's difficult is being single, at 41, after 10 years of marriage and two kids. That's like having a bunch of money in a currency of a country that doesn't exist anymore.

I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.

I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed.

Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.

You'll be fine. You're 25. Feeling [unsure] and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You'll be okay. Even if you don't feel okay all the time.

If you're older, you're smarter. I just believe that. If you're in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to 'em. Even if they're wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have.

I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh ... I guess I said something, and, uh ... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she ... " Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it."

When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find a way to articulate it and inspire them.

I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining ... "Sir, could you please stop?"

I've always benefited from knowing machines well, because it's freedom, it gives you freedom, I always knew that.

I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do.

When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet 'til my legs fell asleep. You want to know why your father spends so long in the toilet? Because he's not sure he wants to be a father.

I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation.

If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb.

If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even. That's like ... I walk outside, it's- there's not much traffic. "Oh, my God, it's just me! I'm gonna have sex with a monkey right now. Oh, no-there's a person."

I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

What happens after you die?" "Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you.

Now, if you're white and you don't admit that it's great, you're an asshole.

Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you're aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime.

Shut up ... let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you're just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you're real. I don't have enough time in any day to think about you enough ... I don't even think about women anymore. I think about you.

For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.

I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.

I just don't trust any of it. Every time I read something about how there's been another ridiculous climb of the Dow Jones, there's a part of me that goes, "This can't be good." None of this is real money. You know what I mean? It's not like there's actually more of anything. It's just ideas. When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well.

Sadness is poetic. You're lucky to live sad moments. When you let yourself be sad, your body has antibodies. It has happiness that comes rushing in to meet the sadness.

I have Twitter so I can tell people what I want them to buy and they give me money.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

I didn't make any kind of grades in high school. My mother was a single mom, putting my three sisters through college, and I was such a bad student that I knew I had no right to take her money. But I loved being in classes and learning. I took in a huge amount of what I learned, but I had a feeling of always being behind and being in trouble.

It's just a big excuse to say awful things.

I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.

There's nothing that beats proving you're funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online.

I just always loved comedy and I really wanted to be good at it. And it was heartbreaking, 'cause I started and I wasn't good at it. I was only 17-years-old, so I had a lot to learn about life in general. But I just kept on trying. I was young enough and stupid enough and I had no other choice. I had nothing else I was good at.

You have to do a show as honestly as you can. But you also can't afford skepticism, because it's preparing for failure, which is useless.

The only road to doing good shows, is doing bad shows.

I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die.

When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.

Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.

You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.

Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it's pretty even.

I've always got the road. Stand-up makes you so autonomous and self-sufficient that it really helps with that part of show business.

It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat.

It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

As humans, we waste the shit out of our words. It's sad. We use words like "awesome" and "wonderful" like they're candy. It was awesome? Really? It inspired awe? It was wonderful? Are you serious? It was full of wonder? You use the word "amazing" to describe a goddamn sandwich at Wendy's. What's going to happen on your wedding day, or when your first child is born? How will you describe it? You already wasted "amazing" on a fucking sandwich.

Why am I angry? Every morning, I wake up, I open my eyes, remember who and what I am and I say, "Yuck." Then I go about my day, and when it's over, I get back in bed, put a sheet between my sweaty legs and, as I drift off, looking back on a day of being this shitbag of a human, I mutter to myself, "Jesus Christ.

Some people think it's demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don't know if that's true.

There's people that say "It's not fair You have all that stuff." I wasn't born with it. It was a horrible process to get to this. It took me my whole life. If you're new at this- and by "new at it." I mean 15 years in, or even 20- you're just starting to grow traction. Young musicians believe they should be able to throw a band together and be famous, and anything that's in their way is unfair and evil. What are you, in your 20s, you picked up a guitar? Give it a minute.

You could drive a rental car until you don't want it. Just get out of it while it's moving and just walk away. No, I don't feel like being in that car any longer. Just call Hertz. Hi, your car is drifting into the intersection of 28th and Broadway, if you're interested. It's now your problem.

I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'

It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.

Perception is created and twisted so quickly.

Oh, I love stand-up.

A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together.

I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.

What we've done with our modern food supply is absolute insanity. It's not even real any more. You used to be able to give a kid an apple and they would love it. Kids can't even taste apples any more. Apples taste like paper to kids now.

I can't just sit on my daughter's bed and just say 'n
' all night and then put her to sleep. I just ain't gonna do that ... I told the girls that these boys are racists, and they're not nice boys. But I think we can still enjoy the stories about the fishin' and the tradin'.

Every year white people add 100 years to how long ago slavery was. I've heard educated white people say, 'slavery was 400 years ago.' No it very wasn't. It was 140 years ago ... that's two 70-year-old ladies living and dying back to back. That's how recently you could buy a guy.

Most Americans have so much crap, that you could lose most of it and still have way more stuff than the average Canadian.

Expensive quality work doesn't cost more - it pays.

It was a horrible process to get to this. It took me my whole life. If you're new at this - and by 'new at it,' I mean 15 years in, or even 20 - you're just starting to get traction ... Give it a minute.

If I'm not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you're an actor, you can't go - I guess there's forms of it.

People say, 'My phone sucks.' No, it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

Well, I think likability is an overused word. I don't watch people 'cause I like them; I watch them because they're compelling. Sympathetic is a little different. Likable just thins you out. Working to make a character likable is what kills most TV shows.

I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.

Comedians and Feminists are natural enemies. Because stereotypically speaking, feminists can't take a joke and comedians can't take criticism.

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like Ladies and Gentlemen. That'll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen! Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, Ladies and Gentlemen, please!

I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you're alive is amazing, so you don't get to say 'I'm bored.