Funny Golf Quotes

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

That putt had more breaks than a government job. ~ Brian Weiss

In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed. ~ Allan Sherman

Golf's three ugliest words: still your shot. ~ Dave Marr

Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. You get bad breaks from good shots; you get good breaks from bad shots - but you have to play the ball where it lies. ~ Bobby Jones

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

I never learned anything from a match that I won. ~ Bobby Jones

You swing your best when you have the fewest things to think about. ~ Bobby Jones

Never break your putter and your driver in the same round or you're dead. ~ Tommy Bolt

Never admit that your back goes out more than you do ~ Joan Rivers

The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap. ~ Dave Barry

In golf as in life, it's the follow through that makes the difference. ~ Ben Wicks

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. ~ Tom Mulligan

To me, life is like the back nine in golf. Sometimes you play better on the back nine. You may not be stronger, but hopefully you're wiser. And if you keep most of your marbles intact, you can add a note of wisdom to the coming generation. ~ Clint Eastwood

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner

I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot. ~ Don Adams

There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray. ~ Lee Trevino

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top. ~ Pete Dye

You know what they say about big hitters ... the woods are full of them. ~ Jimmy Demaret

I always thought of myself as some sort of athlete until I started playing golf a couple years ago. ~ James Caan

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. ~ Dave Barry

Of all the hazards, fear is the worst. ~ Sam Snead

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett

If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out. ~ Paul Gallico

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart. ~ Buddy Hackett

The best advice I can give for playing a ball out of water is - don't. ~ Tony Lema

One thing about golf is you don't know why you play bad and why you play good. ~ George Archer

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead. ~ Bob Hope

He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot." ~ Bill Engvall

When I'm not acting, I try to be normal, play golf, play hockey. It's funny because you're in this little bubble when you're working - you don't read books, you don't really keep up with the news, you're just living that life. ~ Taylor Kitsch

Golf is assuredly a mystifying game. It would seem that if a person has hit a golf ball correctly a thousand times, he should be able to duplicate the performance at will. But such is certainly not the case. ~ Bobby Jones

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch. ~ Lee Trevino

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs. ~ Henny Youngman

Why am I using a new putter? Because the last one didn't float too well. ~ Craig Stadler

Keep close count of your nickels and dimes, stay away from whiskey, and never concede a putt. ~ Sam Snead

Find a man with both feet firmly on the ground and you've found a man about to make a difficult putt. ~ Fletcher Knebel

I'm the best. I just haven't played yet. ~ Muhammad Ali

I only ever play Vegas one night at a time. It's a hideous, gaudy place; it may not be the end of the world per se, but you can certainly see it from there. ~ Robin Williams

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. ~ Rita Rudner

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. ~ Dan Quayle

I'm interested in stories which insist on a dog fails-to-eat-dog kind of world. I hate misanthropy, want to believe that there's a possibility that we might all be redeemed, that hope deferred makes the soul sick, that our humanity is fragile, funny, common, crazy, full of the longing for love, the failure of love. ~ Anthony Minghella

I didn't grow up thinking I was pretty; there was always a prettier girl than me. So I learned to be smart and tried to be funny and develop the inside of me, because I felt like that's what I had. ~ Kerry Washington

I am an only child. I have one sister. ~ Woody Allen

Obviously, it's a great privilege and pleasure to be here at the Yale Law School Sesquicentennial Convocation. And I defy anyone to say that and chew gum at the same time. ~ Gerald R. Ford

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox. ~ Mitch Hedberg

It's funny how you get under his skin."
At first, I'm not sure I heard him right. I almost ask whom he's talking about, because I can't quite believe he's admitting that high and mighty Cardan is affected by anything. "Like a splinter?" I say.
"Of iron. No one else bothers him quite the way that you do. ~ Holly Black

We're dying of boredom, Corporal, that's the problem.' [Blend]
'If boredom was fatal there wouldn't be a soldier alive on this whole world, Blend.' [Picker] ~ Stephen Erickson

Funny, for all surveillance, Osama bin Laden is still free-and we're not. Guess who's winning the war on terror? ~ Cory Doctorow

It's so funny, you go to acting school thinking you're going to learn how to be other people, but really it taught me how to be myself. Because it's in understanding yourself deeply that you can lend yourself to another person's circumstances and another person's experience. ~ Lupita Nyong'o

Actually, performing is a lot like golf. You are alone, so vulnerable. ~ Cathy Rigby

Our offense is like the pythagorean theorem: There is no answer! ~ Shaquille O'Neal

The door handle turned. Someone knocked, and a man's voice called, "Uh, hello?"
Valkyrie looked at Skulduggery, looked back at the others, looked at Skulduggery again.
"Hello," Skulduggery said, speaking loudly to be heard over the alarm.
"Hi," said the man. "The door's locked."
"Is it?"
"Yes."
"That's funny" said Skulduggery. "Hold on a moment." He reached out, jiggled the handle a few times, then stepped back. "Yes, it's locked. You wouldn't happen to have the key, would you?"
There was a delay in response from the other side. "I'm sorry," the man called, "Who am I speaking with?"
Skulduggery tilted his head. "Who am I speaking with?"
"This is Oscar Nightfall."
"Are you sure?"
"What?"
"Are you sure you are who you say you are? This is the Great Chamber, after all. It's a very important place for very important people. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that someone, and I'm not saying that this applies to you in particular, but someone could conceivably lie about who they are in order to gain access to this room. I have to be vigilant, especially now. There's a war on, you know."
Oscar Nightfall sounded puzzled. Who are you?"
"Me? I'm nobody. I'm a cleaner. I'm one of the cleaners. I was cleaning the thrones and the door shut behind me. Now I can't get out. Could you try and find a key?"
"What's your name? Give me you name."
"No. It's mine."
"Tell me your name!"
"My name is Os ~ Derek Landy

I often carry things to read so that I will not have to look at the people. ~ Charles Bukowski

Kestus idly added theoretical torture to the theoretical murder, because done right, it might be funny. ~ Jim Butcher

And I mouth into the phone, I love you, in case some of her cells pick up on the vibrations and it serves me well in the next life. If there is one. If there is a next life, I hope it's in the past; I don't think the future will be any more handleable. ~ Ned Vizzini

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year. ~ Mitch Hedberg

You can't be funny for funny's sake. You try to get as outrageous situation as you can but it always has to be believable and based in real character motivations and what people would really do. ~ Hank Azaria

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large. ~ Josh Billings

Dad was the first man I fell in love with. He was a very funny man. He grew up in the East End of London and was very dynamic, and I understood why my mother fell in love with him. ~ Patsy Kensit

Sites like Funny or Die and College Humor are great, but I'd say it's appealing to 80% men and 20% women. ~ Zooey Deschanel

I remember working with Jackie Chan on Shanghai Noon [2000], and when we were working on the script, I thought that my character thought about being an outlaw the way a kid today would think about being a rock star, as a way to impress girls. So it was just kind of a funny idea, but once we had that idea, it changed the character and made it something that was funnier to me to play. ~ Owen Wilson

What the hell are those?" Zach pushed at my foot with his finger.

"My boots."

"It looks like your foot's being attacked by a Muppet. ~ Theresa Paolo

You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody. ~ Colin Quinn

It's funny how life moves in a complete circle sometimes. There might be lots of bumps in the road and maybe even a few cliffs, but it's a journey, and sometimes it can bring you to the most wonderful places. ~ Nyrae Dawn

I'm just saying stupid, funny things when I'm hanging out on the TV show. When I'm making music I'm in a completely different zone. ~ Chanel West Coast

It's funny. Every CIA agent you ask, 'Are you CIA?' says, 'No. Not CIA,'" he said as he walked toward me. "It makes you wonder if there are actually any CIA agents at all. ~ S.L. Shelton

What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series. ~ Dave Barry

It's like living at an airshow, unless you have something against airplanes, golf, guns, motorcycles, nice cars or drinking. ~ Brian R. Norris

I like to think about music as a sport. But only in terms of golf, as far as the course being music and me being the golfer. So it's competitive but only with yourself. With the last one doing well, it made it a challenge to feel like I was improving in some way. ~ Panda Bear

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet. ~ Sam Kinison

Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something. ~ Ray Romano

You really are F****** arresting, love, but I reckon I'll be the one doing the cuffing tonight. ~ L.J. Shen

What really irks me is the snide victimizing suggestion from some that I have tried to be lighthearted and funny ... Oh my God - this is so offensive. ~ Michael Leunig

In theory I rather admire the Spaniards for not sharing our Northern time-neurosis; but unfortunately I share it myself. ~ George Orwell

But 'contentment'. Is that happiness? Or is that only resignation wearing a funny hat? ~ Lisa Grunwald

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample. ~ Rebecca West