Fart Quotes

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class. ~ Demetri Martin

It's wetter than a taco fart down there and just as smelly," Mr. ~ Stephen King

The dead man's nephew, excused from this duty, walks far ahead out of earshot. We are free as we go stumbling and sweating along to say exactly what we please, without fear of offending. "Heavy son of a bitch. ... " "All blown up like he is, you'd think he'd float like a balloon." "Let's just hope he don't explode." "He won't. We let the gas out." "What about lunch?" somebody asks; "I'm hungry." "Eat this." "Why'd the bastard have to go so far from the road?" "There's something leaking out that zipper." "Never mind, let's try to get in step here," the sheriff says. "Goddamnit, Floyd, you got big feet." "Are we going in the right direction?" "I wonder if the old fart would walk part way if we let him out of that bag?" "He won't even say thank you for the ride." "Well I hope this learned him a lesson, goddamn him. I guess he'll stay put after this. ... " Thus we meditate upon the stranger's death. ~ Edward Abbey

Everybody has opinions: I have them, you have them. And we are all told from the moment we open our eyes, that everyone is entitled to his or her opinion. Well, that's horsepuckey, of course. We are not entitled to our opinions; we are entitled to our informed opinions. Without research, without background, without understanding, it's nothing. It's just bibble-babble. It's like a fart in a wind tunnel, folks. ~ Harlan Ellison

Despite the odium and widespread condemnation of Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States of America, he passed with all the fanfare of a fart in a mesh sack. Medical examiners said it was a thrombotic stroke, likely exacerbated by obesity and high blood pressure. Some said cocaine and opioids had been found in his system, but these reports were never confirmed. Trump was dead, and now it was time to start glossing over his dismal legacy and perpetuating his vision, posthumously, for Making America Great Again... ~ Philip A. Becnel IV

I fart in your general direction. ~ Graham Chapman

And nostalgia is a cancer. Nostalgia will fill your heart up with tumors. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what you are. You're just an old fart dying of terminal nostalgia. ~ Sherman Alexie

Shit" Bug said, his face sour. "It's that thing again. We've been dealing with it since Pierce. You think you have a lead and then poof" - he made a puffing motion with his fingers - "it melts into nothing and all you have is frustration and the far noise your face makes when you hit you desk with it."

Fart.... what? ~ Ilona Andrews

Let me see if I can put this in scientific terms: Think of autism like a fart, and vaccines are the finger you pull to make it happen. ~ Jenny McCarthy

My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away. ~ Jenny McCarthy

You become a woman the first time you stand up for yourself when they get your order wrong at a diner, or when you first realize your parents are full of shit. You become a woman the first time you get fitted for a bra and realize you've been wearing a very wrong size your whole fucking life. You become a woman the first time you fart in front of a boyfriend. The first time your heart breaks. The first time you break someone else's heart. The first time someone you love dies. The ~ Amy Schumer

This is bigger than a fart in a bathtub, you know. ~ John Marsden

But it was no ordinary fart. It was the Rainbow Fart Of Power. Who farted? Hoof Hearted did, that's who. All the colors of the rainbow shot from his butt and propelled him forward in the Cosmos. ~ Daniel Mega

Gods curse it, Kel, you heard what he said!"
"I heard a fart," Kel said grimly. You know where those come from. Let it go." -Faleron and Kel ~ Tamora Pierce

A fart is not only a political statement; it is also a weapon. ~ Bridget Christie

Just let them sit in the goddam sun. But the world won't let them because there's nothing more dangerous than letting old farts sit in the sun. They might be thinking. Same thing with kids. Keep 'em busy or they might start thinking. ~ Frank McCourt

He wondered how many lives had been snuffed out by that fart. ~ George R R Martin

Some people get lots of pleasure; From books or from music or art; But boys seem to think it's fantastic; To just have a really good fart. ~ Giles Andreae

Purple light passed over the paper, but nothing happened.
"Next!" Amy said. She was sure the man in black was going to burst in on them any second.
"Whoa!" Dan said.
Amy gripped his arm. "You found it?"
"No, but look! This whole essay - 'To the Royal Academy.' He wrote a whole essay on farts!" Dan grinned with delight. "He's proposing a scientific study on different fart smells. You're right, Amy. This guy was a genius! ~ Rick Riordan

There are more microbes per person than the entire population of the world. Imagine that. Per person. This means that if the time scale is diminished in proportion to that of space it would be quite possible for the whole story of Greece and Rome to be played out between farts. ~ Alan Bennett

Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One's a burp and the other's a fart. ~ Jarod Kintz

Weightless (in air), alcohol units 8 (but in-flight so canceled out by altitude), cigarettes 0 (desperate: no-smoking seat), calories 1 million (entirely made up of things would never have dreamt of putting in self's mouth were they not on in-flight tray), farts from traveling companion 38 (so far), variations in fart aroma 0. ~ Helen Fielding

If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus. ~ Robin Williams

The next morning I woke up with a furry lump pressed against my chest, its butt right under my chin. Before I could move, a toxic cloud of dog fart floated into my face. Barbeque sauce scented dog ~ Susan Lash

Editors are, at heart, twelve: if we can construe something as a fart or sex (or a fart AND sex) joke, we will. ~ Kory Stamper

Normally I laugh at such things, because there is nothing like a fart to lighten up a tense situation. ~ Kevin Hearne

People are getting away from the whole album experience, it's true. I think that's sad. Maybe I'm just saying that because I'm an old fart. But I can't help it - albums are what I grew up with, and I still love them. ~ Alex Lifeson

Rather than hanging around like a fart under a duvet. ~ Ian Rankin

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens. ~ Frank Carson

Nero, you are an example to all the children on this shuttle. Because most of them are so foolish, they think it is better to keep their stupidest thoughts to themselves. You, however, understand the profound truth that you must reveal your stupidity openly. To hold your stupidity inside you is to embrace it, to cling to it, to protect it. But when you expose your stupidity, you give yourself the chance to have it caught, corrected, and replaced with wisdom. Be brave, all of you, like Nero Boulanger, and when you have a thought of such surpassing ignorance that you think it's actually smart, make sure to make some noise, to let your mental limitations squeak out some whimpering fart of a thought, so that you have a chance to learn. ~ Orson Scott Card

I don't feel so good." Lula said. And she farted.
She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long fart. "Excuse me." she said.
I was horrified and impressed all at the same time. It was a record breaking fart. On my best day, I couldn't come near to farting like that. ~ Janet Evanovich

You Know the Most Dangerous Thing In the Water? A Shark Fart. ~ Gary Busey

I'd like to think I'd never do a gratuitous fart joke. ~ Harold Ramis

At a certain point, you have to face the fact that you've turned into an old fart. ~ Robert Gottlieb

He had a real mother, and a stepfather named Bart who Martin called Fart but only with his brothers and James ~ Marthe Jocelyn

...sneakier than a fart in church... ~ Jay Kristoff

What kind of doctor are you? Get up! Get up! And then all of a sudden she let out the biggest, loudest, smelliest fart in the history of farts. Mom thinks it was actually the fart that finally woke the doctor up. Anyway, ~ R.J. Palacio

If you're on a plane and the person in front of you starts slowly tilting to one side, it means he's letting out a fart. Take cover! ~ Jessica Zafra

Step, fart. Step, fart. Step, fart. ~ Sharon M. Draper

Will you take this seriously? The future of an entire species is at stake."

"Yes, we're going to save them with a fart gun. ~ Ilona Andrews

Me? I'm nothing. I'm a fart in the air conditioning. I'm always there, but most of the time nobody knows it. ~ Orson Scott Card

I'm only interested in heavy metal when it's me who's playing it. I suppose it's a bit like smelling your own farts. ~ John Entwistle

I wonder why no one called the police about the rocket launcher? God knows my neighbors usually report it if I so much as fart in my backyard. (Bubba) ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Zart the fart, you start. ~ James Dashner

She had a date. She loved toying with them. Johnson's voice caused her to jump and fart at the same time. She was hoping her little scream of surprise drowned out the unladylike noise. ~ Debra Anastasia

A hundred brilliant witticisms died suffocating on the captain's heavy glove. Thus muted, I pumped my codpiece at the duke and tried to force a fart, but my bum tumpet could find no note. ~ Christopher Moore

In spite of the fact that I hurt more than when I was in labor, I was pretty sure the doctor was just going to tell me I needed to fart really bad. ~ Jenny Lawson

a child's disquiet is as potent as a damp fart. ~ Michel Faber

If 'tis a sin, I don't give a Fiddler's fart! ~ Frank McCourt

I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body. ~ Walter Matthau

If it doesn't fart or eat hay, she isn't interested. ~ Prince Philip

Buster was queer as a cat fart. ~ John Irving

Using blasphemy as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke. ~ Katy Perry

Love is like a lost fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit. ~ Stephen K. Amos

It's a dungeon, Leila. They're Supposed to smell.
Mission accomplished. The stench might have actually killed my new appetite. If hell could fart, it would smell like this. ~ Jeaniene Frost

It goes on top and breaks down,
It can emit a high or low sound.
Each atom of such noisy chute
Exhale the aroma of a ripe fruit. ~ Ana Claudia Antunes

That has less significance than a dog's fart. ~ Mao Zedong

Music has become more pervasive and portable than ever. But it feels less previous in the bargain. I don't want to confuse artistic and commercial value, but it's just a fact that some kid who rips an album for free isn't going to give it the same attention he would if it cost him ten bucks. At what point does convenience become spiritual indolence? I realize this makes me sound like an old fart, but sometimes I get nostalgic for the days when the universe of recorded sound wasn't at our fingertips, when we had to hunt and wait and - horror of horrors - do without, when our longing for a particular record or song made it feel sacred. ~ Steve Almond

I've studied the disease, I've lived in the swamp. It is my informed conclusion that we are suffering, as an ex-great nation, from top-down corporate rot. And that's not just the judgement of an ailing old fart. A lot of people in my Service make a profession of not seeing things in black and white. Do not confuse me with them. I'm a late-onset, red-toothed radical with balls. Still with me? ~ John Le Carre

Besides, when you say you're a feminist it annoys the bigots and the old farts and the prissy ladies so much, it's kind of irresistible. ~ Ursula K. Le Guin

Old Testament, is really one of the most wickedest books you'll ever come across. God is an insecure, rage-filled hybrid of Bobby Knight and Suge Knight. He's got these anger issues that you can't believe. He's like John McCain if McCain could fart hail. He's pro-slavery, he's pro-polygamy, he's homophobic, he'll kill you for masturbating. ~ Bill Maher

Actions define a man,words are just a fart in the wind. ~ Mario Puzo

Said, as if there was never a doubt. I walked around and hugged April so tight she let out a small fart. ~ Dannika Dark

Narzel fart," I swore. ~ N.E. Conneely

My waist is a 30. The jeans are a 28. When I fart, the Reeboks blow off. ~ Steve Kluger

How would you be able to detect a fart over your natural odor, Sanza?" "For shame," said Galdo. "There's no Sanzas here, remember? I'm an Asino." "Oh yes," said Locke with a yawn. "Yes, you certainly are. ~ Scott Lynch

They don't talk to me much; I don't feel like i know them." Simon said.
You're not supposed to. It's a members-only club."
Simon accepted this. "So Akira is the angry one, Kisho is the crazy one, Toyo is the old fart ... ~ Jason Hightman

Most people are but a fake-art, and as real as a concealed fart. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Puppa had saved me again - this time, by way of fart. ~ Nick Yetto

There is nothing fiercer than a failed artist. The energy remains, but, having no outlet, it implodes in a great black fart of rage which smokes up all the inner windows of the soul. Horrible as successful artists often are, there is nothing crueler or more vain than a failed artist. ~ Erica Jong

Does your hip hurt much?" "Only when I laugh or fart, ~ Kate Saunders

So familiar are eggs to us, however, that in the eighteenth century they were referred to as cackling farts, on the basis that chickens cackled all the time and eggs came out of the back of them. ~ Mark Forsyth

The fight unfolded like background noise. White noise. In the foreground, even with his ghastly pale face looking dead in my hands, my fingers clenching his ragged hair, all I could see was random images of Fang, not dead.

Fang telling me stupid fart jokes from the dog crate next to mine at the school, trying to make me laugh.

Fang asleep at Jeb's old house, and me jumping wildly on his bed to wake him up. Him pretending to be asleep. Me laughing when I "accidentally" kicked him where it counts. Him dumping me off the bed.

Fang gagging on my first attempt at cooking dinner after Jeb disappeared. Him spitting out the mac and cheese. Me dumping the rest of the bowl on him in response.

Fang on the beach, that first time he was badly injured. Me realizing how I felt about him.

Fang kissing me. So close I couldn't even see his dark eyes anymore. The first time. The second time. The third.

I could always remember each and every one of them. Would always remember them.

Fang.

Not.

Dead. ~ James Patterson

To tell the truth, sir, I believe I had rather sit in the shelter for a while. The cabbage seems to have turned my inward parts to water.'
Nonsense,' said Stephen, 'it is the most wholesome cabbage I have ever come across in the whole of my career. I hope, Mr. Herapath, that you are not going to join in the silly weak womanish unphilosophical mewling and puling about the cabbage. So it is a little yellow in certain lights, so it is a little sharp, so it smells a little strange: so much the better, say I. At least that will stop the insensate Phaeacian hogs from abusing it, as they abuse the brute creation, stuffing themselves with flesh until what little brain they have is drowned in fat. A virtuous esculent! Even its boldest detractors, ready to make the most hellish declarations and to swear through a nine-inch plank that the cabbage makes them fart and rumble, cannot deny that it cured their purpurae. Let them rumble till the heavens shake and resound again; let them fart fire and brimstone, the Gomorrhans, I will not have a single case of scurvy on my hands, the sea-surgeon's shame, while there is a cabbage to be culled. ~ Patrick O'Brian

I'm into paradoxes. I wanted to make an album about them, but the group told me I was a pretentious fart. They were right. ~ Brian May

I could have reached him in three quick strides and slipped my blade into his spine before he had the chance to fart. ~ Oliver Bowden

At one time or another, farts have coincided with every other sound, including this quote. ~ Craig Benzine

I stole her perfume out of her car, and in its place I left a loud fart. ~ Jarod Kintz

His strength, his speed, his valor, all his hard-won skill . . . it was worth less than a mummer's fart, because he flinched from killing. ~ George R R Martin

All of our lives suck right now, okay? You might think yours is an extra special sparkly rainbow unicorn fart type of suck, but it's not. Just get on with it! ~ Lia Habel

I don't give a fiddler's fart! ~ Frank McCourt

Mikey's father, champion of all pint drinkers, is like my uncle Pa Keating, he doesn't give a fiddler's fart what the world says and that's the way I'd like to be myself. ~ Frank McCourt

I once lay in a white hospital for the dying and the dying self, where some god pissed a rain of reason to make things grow only to die, where on my knees I prayed for LIGHT, I prayed for l*i*g*h*t, and praying crawled like a blind slug into the web where threads of wind stuck against my mind and I died of pity for Man, for myself, on a cross without nails, watching in fear as the pig belches in his sty, farts, blinks and eats. ~ Charles Bukowski

I burp, I fart. I'm a real woman. ~ Kate Winslet

I'm not a fan of purposely farting in front of other people. If you have to fart, leave the room. ~ Tina Fey

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised ... ~ Dana Gould

Success is like a fart - only your own smells nice. ~ James P. Hogan

Harriet Jones: When they fart, if you'll pardon the word, it doesn't smell like a fart, pardon the word, it's like something else. What is it? It's more like um ...
Rose: Bad breath!
Harriet Jones: That's it!
The Doctor: Calcium decay! Now that narrows it down! Calcium phosphate. Organic calcium - living calcium - creatures made out of living calcium, what else? What else? Hyphenated surname! YES! That narrows it down to one planet: Raxacoricofallapatorius!
Mickey Smith: [dryly] Oh yeah, great. We can write 'em a letter! ~ Russell T. Davies

For the second Monday in February, Sara had this joke: I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed everyone was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. ~ Dale Waller

I will say one thing about those males, there is never a dull moment." Peri suddenly appeared causing everyone to jump.
"Bloody hell," Jen barked.
"Couldn't you send out some sort of signal that you're about to appear out of thin air?" Lilly asked.
"What do you expect me to do ... fart just before I appear so the smell alerts you?" Peri took a seat next to Alina and crossed her legs, appearing regal despite her crude words.
"Why do you say we would be alerted by the smell, rather than the sound?" Sally asked.
Peri smiled. "I think you humans call them silent but deadly. ~ Quinn Loftis

Oh, come on, Ash, that smells like a unicorn fart. ~ Cara Lynn Shultz

You're lucky you're good in
bed."
"Oh." He grabbed at my foot. "I think you keep me around for other reasons."
I slanted him a look out of the corner of my eye. "Right now, for the life of me I can't think what those reasons are."
Braden tugged harder on my foot, raising his fingers towards it. "Take it back or the foot getsit."
Oh hell no! I yanked at my appendage.
"Braden, no."
Deaf to my warning, he started to tickle me,his grip tightening as I laughed breathlessly and
kicked out, trying to get free.
He wouldn't stop. Ruthless!
"Braden," I panted hysterically, attempting to shove at him with my arms but struggling as he continued his war on my feet. I laughed harder,
ribs aching, and then… horror.
I broke wind.
Big time.
Braden immediately let go of my feet, his loud, rumbling laugh filling the room, laughter that only deepened when I lost balance, from kicking out
at him and then being abruptly let go, and fell off the couch with an undignified thud.
Mortified as he collapsed against the couch
belly laughing at my fart then fall, I grabbed a cushion and launched it at him from my position on the floor.
Of course this only made the idiot laugh
harder. I warred between feeling humiliation at farting in front of him, something you just didn't do in
company, and laughing, since his was so
infectious. "Braden!" I whined. "Shut up. It's not funny," I huffed, my lips caught i ~ Samantha Young

Sif seemed so refined, so graceful, so unlikely to fart or belch in public. ~ Rick Riordan

And then all of a sudden she let out the biggest, loudest, smelliest fart in the history of farts. Mom ~ R.J. Palacio

Need to get to Ruislip by sparrow-fart though', said the squadron leader. 'Think you can do that? Can I come along for the ride? ~ Robert Rankin

Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the least to recommend it. As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is no money in it. It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most cultured society it has long been banished from the social board. It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence. Among the best bred, these two arts are now indulged in only private
though by consent of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo on the fundamental sigh. ~ Mark Twain

We're being treated to the wisdom of some puffed up, little fart. Doing exactly what I used to do, pretensions to anarchy and art. ~ Don Henley

Ooh, bet that went over like a fart in church. ~ Gayla Drummond

He said he'd teach her the important things, starting with the most important thing of all, the correct way to make tea and rice, so tea wasn't overbrewed and the rice wasn't overcooked. He said: You want to make food forget Indian way. Indian's system is like American system, everything overdone. They have no subtle. He sent her to buy octopus. She brought the tentacles home in a bag of ice and cut them into thin slices, at a sharp angle. She put the sliced octopus in a saucepan with ginger and green onions and added a black bean paste. He told her to touch the octopus to the flame and serve. But she let the dish cook for a good five minutes until the flesh was tough and rubbery. You overdid, he told her. Old Chinese saying, you don't need take off your pant to fart. ~ Jeet Thayil

The biggest milestone in a relationship is when you can fart in front of each other freely and loudly. Without judgements ~ Himmilicious