Crude Humor Quotes

Everything is possible in America, except the production of intelligence. ~ Mie Hansson

I will say one thing about those males, there is never a dull moment." Peri suddenly appeared causing everyone to jump.
"Bloody hell," Jen barked.
"Couldn't you send out some sort of signal that you're about to appear out of thin air?" Lilly asked.
"What do you expect me to do ... fart just before I appear so the smell alerts you?" Peri took a seat next to Alina and crossed her legs, appearing regal despite her crude words.
"Why do you say we would be alerted by the smell, rather than the sound?" Sally asked.
Peri smiled. "I think you humans call them silent but deadly. ~ Quinn Loftis

[Science] works! Planes fly. Cars drive. Computers compute. If you base medicine on science, you cure people. If you base the design of planes on science, they fly. If you base the design of rockets on science, they reach the moon. It works ... bitches. ~ Richard Dawkins

Ela did you just fart? Because you just blew me away. ~ Mark A. Cooper

Now, a bad thief,' continued Kaz, 'one who doesn't know his way around, just makes the grab and tries to run for it. Good way to get pinched by the stadwatch. But a proper thief - like myself - nabs the wallet and puts something else in its place.'
'A biscuit? ~ Leigh Bardugo

Authors may have very good reasons for staying out of character's minds. What is in their mind ought to be out in the world of their action anyway, just as in Real Life. Inside is already out there, and visible. It is also a reader's responsibility to imaginatively project the inner-lives of characters just as we have to imaginatively project the inner-lives of those most dear to us in Real Life. ~ Nathan "N.R." Gaddis

Within a science fictional space, memory and regret are, when taken together, the set of necessary and sufficient elements required to produce a time machine. ~ Charles Yu

Maybe you should go make that call again. Ask very specifically how much of who's ass needs to be kissed here. I'm pretty sure it's my hairy butt that's gonna be getting all the love. ~ Jonathan Maberry

Isn't reality based on the prevailing culture, the trend that people want to identify with? ~ Janvier Chouteu-Chando

[Nicodemus] 'Magistra DeVega, can I ask for your help?'
[DeVega] 'You can ask,' she said with her usual calmness, 'but the clerics haven't developed a cure for death by idiotic leadership. ~ Blake Charlton

Suddenly I began to wonder how to please so many people. do I take the magnesium citrate? What about the coffee enema? Do I do both? Do I do the abdominal message or the colonic? Do I tell the doctors about each other? East meets West in Gilda's body: Western medicine down my throat, Eastern medicine up my butt. ~ Gilda Radner

Oh, why had the Labyrinth brought me here?
As soon as I thought this, I chided myself: Of course it would bring me where I least wanted to be. Austin had been wrong about the maze. It was still evil, designed to kill. It was just a little subtler about its homicides now. ~ Rick Riordan

You know, I can see more than just the future or the past."
"Really?" I asked, paging through through the papers in the file. "Can you also see the present? Because I can do that, too. Like, right now, I sense that I'm in a messy room with a total toolbox. ~ Rachel Hawkins

In brief, sir, study what you most affect. ~ William Shakespeare

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. ~ Steven Wright

Let me go!" She tore off a mirror and brandished it in his face. "I mean it! I don't want to go to your godforsaken hellbarn, you retarded psycho farmer! ~ Gina Damico

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents? ~ Bob Monkhouse

Well, it's not easy to find something that you do not know exists. ~ Patricia Nedelea

Snakes don't have fuckin' legs, so how was I supposed to think there'd be one hidin' in the face of a damn rock that's ten feet below the summit? ~ Simone Elkeles

I obscenity in the milk of my shame. ~ Ernest Hemingway,

The Trump Card is appealing, grounded, smart, and has a sense of humor. Ivanka Trump proves that believing in yourself and working hard never go out of style. ~ Anna Wintour

The Great God Om waxed wroth, or at least made a spirited attempt. There is a limit to the amount of wroth that can be waxed one inch from the ground, and he was right up against it. ~ Terry Pratchett

Our democratic faith is more than the creed of our country, it is the inborn hope of our humanity, an ideal we carry but do not own, a trust we bear and pass along. And even after nearly 225 years, we have a long way yet to travel. ~ George W. Bush

You are a wise man, Major, and I will consider your advice with great care - and humility." He finished his tea and rose from the table to go to his room. "But I must ask you, do you really understand what it means to be in love with an unsuitable woman?"
"My dear boy," said the Major. "Is there really any other kind? ~ Helen Simonson

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches. ~ Frank Carson

Everybody must be managed. Queens must be managed. Kings must be managed, for men want managing almost as much as women, and that's saying a good deal. ~ Thomas Hardy

Author is the prisoner of his thoughts . ~ Rajiv Bakshi

During our first date,
I wanted to hold your hand so bad
I almost cut mine off
and threw it at you
to see if you would catch it ~ Colin Gilbert

Either way, I'm still very [...] and wanting," said Elbryn with a sad laugh.
"So take care of it."
"With a lady present? That would be unthinkably rude."
"You've been rude to me before," Holonie pointed out.
"But I like you now," Elbryn said. ~ Ash Gray

He was just drifting off to sleep when it occurred to him that perhaps the dog was not so ordinary after all. Perhaps he was someone the ogre had changed, and Ivo was going to spend the night hugging a headmaster or a tax inspector ~ Eva Ibbotson

All fair in love and bonus round ~ David Charters

Humor and laughter - not necessarily derogatory derision - are my pet tools. This may come from my general philosophy of never taking the world too seriously - for fear of dying of boredom. ~ Marcel Duchamp

I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are. ~ Natasha Leggero

Humor can inform and break down stigma, which is a huge issue in the military. ~ Garry Trudeau

And then there were the imaginary dragons, and the a-, anti- and minus- dragons (colloquially termed nots, noughts and oughtn'ts by the experts), the minuses being the most interesting on account of the well-known dracological paradox: when two minuses hypercontiguate (an operation in the algebra of dragons corresponding roughly to simple multiplication), the product is 0.6 dragon, a real nonplusser. ~ Stanisław Lem

By reading this, you've given me brief control over your mind. ~ R.M. ArceJaeger

The Peace Panda Says ... Pandas are as ancient as Tibet. Being that we are natural citizens there ... We share their wisdom too! ~ Timothy Pina

Don't go," said Cedric. "Murder has made you practically one of the family. ~ Agatha Christie

Ambrose loved the way Fern looked. But he wondered suddenly if he loved the way she looked because he loved the way she laughed, the way she danced, the way she floated on her back and made philosophical statements about the clouds. He knew he loved her selflessness and her humor and her sincerity. And those things made her beautiful to him. ~ Amy Harmon

Take a strict view of their excrements, and, from the colour, the odour, the taste, the consistence, the crudeness or maturity of digestion, form a judgment of their thoughts and designs; because men are never so serious, thoughtful, and intent, as when they are at stool ... ~ Jonathan Swift

Know your load. That's rule numero uno in this business, which is why I make them count the penguins out in front of me one at a time. I'm not going to be the schmuck who shows up in Orlando two
birds short of a dinner party ... I know I'm pulling out of Houston with exactly forty-two Gentoo penguins, seventeen Jamaican land iguanas, four tuataras from New Zealand, and a pair of rare, civet-like mammals called linsangs. No more, no less. ~ Jacob M. Appel

Don't worry, though, I'm sure you're still both tighter than the knots on a tree. ~ Nick Pageant

He'd better make you happy or I'll break his face. ~ Evelyn Smith

You're like seven feet tall, aren't you?"
"I am not seven feet tall," he snapped at her as if she'd really insulted him. "I'm six-eleven." When she smirked in disbelief, he added, "And three-quarters. ~ Shelly Laurenston

It was in this pub he'd learnt that, contrary to the belief of the majority of those laying bets, it is possible to flatten a hundred frogs with a hammer in less than thirty seconds. In short, it was a pub with a reputation. And very slimy walls. ~ Tony McGuin

When the government designates as punishable all play of mind against the state, the moderate liberals come and opine that fun, satire, wit, humor, etc., must have free play anyhow, and genius must enjoy freedom. So not the individual man indeed, but still genius, is to be free. Here the state, or in its name the government, says with perfect right: He who is not for me is against me. ~ Max Stirner

Day had gotten a little nervous during one session when the doctor asked God how he would handle someone hurting Day now and his lover responded by jerking one side of his leather coat open and pulling his long blade from its sheathe.

"Easy, I'd cut their fucking arm off and beat the shit out of them with it," he'd said.

But Day quickly started laughing and told the concerned doctor that his partner was just playing.

After popping God hard in his stomach, God agreed and said he was indeed joking. When the doctor went back to writing on her legal pad, God mouthed to him, "No I'm not. ~ A.E. Via

Humor is very very risky, particularly for a candidate, unless he's been in so long that it just doesn't matter, and he's not running for president. But it's just that people are so sensitive and so touchy, and you're just going to upset somebody without ever realizing it. ~ Mark Russell

What's it going to take for you to open that door? Gold? Blood?"
"Your name and password."
"My name is Honorous Jorg Ancrath, my password is divine right. Now open the fecking door. ~ Mark Lawrence

If he goes for my nose again, I fink I'll hang him up by his little balls,' one of the Guard said, getting to his feet. Froi tried to ignore the mockery.
'Nothing little about me,' he grunted. 'Don't take my word for it, Hindley. Ask your wife. She seemed happy last night, you know, with the size and all. ~ Melina Marchetta

Prognoses which have been made contend that our technology will terminate in pure necromancy. If so, everything we now experience would be only a departure and mechanics would become refined to a degree that would no longer require any crude embodiment. Lights, words, yes even thoughts would be sufficient. (1957) ~ Ernst Junger

Marketing is the marriage of business and creativity. The relationship is enhanced by the occasional affair with science. ~ Trevor Carss

When he flashed that rockin' smile of his again, I couldn't help but think that me being cute was what might be crossing his mind. Then again, maybe he thought I was a dumbass. Either way, he smiled, which was good enough for me. - Ariel ~ Victoria H. Smith