Christopher Moore Quotes

This is fucking magic, she thought. This isn't some story out of one of Tommy's books. This isn't something you can experiment with in the bathroom. This is not natural, and whatever I am, it isn't natural. A vampire is magic, not science. ~ Christopher Moore

Alive," Kimi interrupted. "I get you out of typhoon alive and you just yell and say bad things. I quit. You get new navigator. Roberto say you mean, nasty, Chevy-driving, milk-drinking, American dog f*cker."
I don't drink milk," Tuck said. Ha! Won that round. ~ Christopher Moore

If they'd been dogs, they would have all been in the yard eating grass and trying to yak up whatever was making them feel so lousy. Not a bone gnawed, not a ball chased-all tails went unwagged. Oh, life is a fast cat, a short leash, a flea in that place where you just can't scratch. ~ Christopher Moore

Lily liked the fog, and didn't even mind the cold wind. She reckoned that Ocean Beach, the dunes there, and the Sunset were the closest San Francisco was going to come to the foreboding, wind-swept moors of England, where she had aspired to suffer romance and heartache when she was a kid. The foghorn, however, rather than a lonesome lament that conjured images of Heathcliff's dark figure, waiting with clenched jaw on the moor for her to bring light and warmth into his life, sounded like a distressed moose tied up in her neighbor's garage, having his nut sack singed with jumper cables at a precise interval calculated to keep her from falling asleep. Which, in turn, made her think of what complete douche bags people could be when all you wanted to do was borrow a defibrillator. Then she was awake and angry. ~ Christopher Moore

I could stand on my head and flick the bean right there at the dinner table and my mom would be all, "Honey, Christmas is family time, we should be together" and make me finish in front of everyone. ~ Christopher Moore

For it is written that if the wise man appears always stupid, his failures do not disappoint, and his success gives pleasant surprise. ~ Christopher Moore

Advice, then, young yeoman: When referring to the king's middle daughter, state that she is fair, speculate that she is pious, but unless you'd like to spend your watch looking for the box where your head is kept, resist the urge to wax ignorant on her naughty bits." -Pocket
I don't know what that means, sir." -Yeoman
Speak not of Regan's shaggacity, son" [ ... ] -Pocket ~ Christopher Moore

Dancing?", ventured Portia. "I do so prefer dancing to suffering, don't you, Nerissa?"
"You speak as if one must choose one over another. For every gentleman who has turned you around a ballroom can attest, dancing and suffering can be partners in step. ~ Christopher Moore

What love is not torment when a man knows not how to love himself? Talk not of drowning, but attaining your heart's desire by action: Put money in thy purse. ~ Christopher Moore

Love: the sickest of Irony's sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die. ~ Christopher Moore

Methinks the lady doth protest too much," said Iago.

"Methinks the lady protests just the right amount," said Emilia. "Methinks the lady is just getting fucking started protesting. ~ Christopher Moore

You know what? You know what? You know what?' I was waving my finger under her nose. 'You scratched the Son of God. That's your ass, that's what. ~ Christopher Moore

I grew up under Roman rule, although I didn't see many Romans until I was ten. The Romans mostly stayed in the fortress city of Sepphoris, an hour's walk north of Nazareth. That's when Joshua and I saw a Roman soldier murdered, but I'm getting ahead of myself. For now, assume that the soldier is safe and sound and happy wearing a broom on his head. ~ Christopher Moore

She's so obnoxious. Like a whole Saturday night drunk tank full of obnoxious packed into one little body. Detective Cavuto ~ Christopher Moore

You bitch! You killed me! You suck! ~ Christopher Moore

Let's high stick that moose in the fun bags. ~ Christopher Moore

A question asked in earnest deserves an earnest answer. ~ Christopher Moore

I want to be Moses." "You can't." "Why not?" "I have the stick." "Oh. ~ Christopher Moore

At "tooth fairy," Sophie popped her head out the door. "I will smack that bitch up and take her bag of quarters! I will not be fucked with! ~ Christopher Moore

In fact, he sorely hoped that it would happen, because otherwise, the world made no sense, there was no justice, and life was just a tangled ball of chaos. ~ Christopher Moore

What is your name?" asked Lear.
Caius," said Kent.
And whence do you hail?"
From Bonking, sire."
Well, yes, lad, as do we all," said Lear, "but from what town? ~ Christopher Moore

So know this, little one. Whether you are the Messiah, or you become a rabbi, or even if you are nothing more than a farmer, here is the sum of all I can teach you, and all that I know: treat others as you would like to be treated. Can you remember that? ~ Christopher Moore

Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island. ~ Christopher Moore

How could you deal with a creature as devious as woman. ~ Christopher Moore

I think this is a bodhi tree," I said, "just like Buddha sat under! It's so exciting. I'm feeling sort of enlightened just standing here. Really, I can feel ripe bodhies squishing between my toes."
Joshua looked at my feet. "I don't think those are bodhies. There was a cow here before us."
I lifted my foot out of the mess. "Cows are overrated in this country. Under the Buddha's tree too. Is nothing sacred? ~ Christopher Moore

(I bring food and drink to the guards when they are on post during feasts. I believe it is written in the Obfuscations of St. Pesto: "In nine cases out of ten, a large friend with a poleax shall truly a blessing be." ) ~ Christopher Moore

They were both lean and blond and weather-beaten, and one evening, as they were portaging gear from their respective Zodiacs, Libby unzipped her survival suit and tied the sleeves around her waist so she could move more freely. Nate said, "You look good in that."
No one, absolutely no one, looks good in a survival suit (unless a Day-Glo orange marshmallow man is your idea of a hot date), but Libby didn't even make the effort to roll her eyes. "I have vodka and a shower in my cabin," she said.
"I have a shower in my cabin, too," Nate said.
Libby just shook her head and trudged up the path to the lodge. Over her shoulder she called, "In five minutes, there's going to be a naked woman in my shower. You got one of those?"
"Oh," said Nate. ~ Christopher Moore

Mr. Asher, you can resist who you are for only so long. Finally, you just decide to go with fate. ~ Christopher Moore

Diogenes carried a bowl with him for years, but one day saw a man drinking from his cupped palm and declared, 'I have been a fool, burdened all these years by the weight of a bowl when a perfectly good vessel lay at the end of my wrist. ~ Christopher Moore

He always had a problem with the purity of others. Never his own. ~ Christopher Moore

He has the attention span of a hummingbird. ~ Christopher Moore

The Colorman slid off the morgue slab to the cold floor. Bullets pooped from his wounds and plopped on the stone as he limped naked around the room looking for something to wear. All the dead were either naked, too ripe, or too tall for him to use their clothes, so he settled on a white mortician's coat that trailed out behind him as he went. The morgue attendant pretended not to see him as he passed, figuring that a spontaneous reanimation would require paperwork that he did not wish to fill out. ~ Christopher Moore

A woman's magazine quiz:
Question: You decide to do the dread deed and just as things are starting to get hot he comes, rolls over, and asks, "Was it good for you?"
You:
a. Say, "God, yes! That was the best seventeen seconds of my life"
b. Say, "Sure, as good as it gets for me with a man."
c. Put a Certs in your navel and say, "That's for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished ~ Christopher Moore

How much humanity has been spoiled for the confusion of movement with progress, my friend? ~ Christopher Moore

Little-boy love ... the cleanest pain I've ever known. Love without desire, conditions, or limits - a pure and radiant glow in the heart that could make me giddy and sad and glorious all at once. Where does it go? Why, in all their experiments, did the Magi never try to capture that purity in a bottle? Perhaps they couldn't. ~ Christopher Moore

Growl, you live in a slime lair and maintain an identity as the mysterious overlord of an undersea city, you command a fleet of meat dreadnaughts with crews of humanoid whale people, and you're currently reclining in a pulsating mass of gelatinous goo that looks like it escaped from hell's own Jell-O mold
so excuse the fuck out of me if I question your motives. ~ Christopher Moore

It's sarcasm, Josh."

"Sarcasm?"

"It's from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren't really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it."

"Well, if the village idiot named it, I'm sure it's a good thing."

"There you go, you got it."

"Got what?"

"Sarcasm."

"No, I meant it."

"Sure you did."

"Is that sarcasm?"

"Irony, I think."

"What's the difference?"

"I haven't the slightest idea."

"So you're being ironic now, right?"

"No, I really don't know."

"Maybe you should ask the idiot."

"Now you've got it."

"What?"

"Sarcasm. ~ Christopher Moore

A theory has no better time than when it's lying there naked, pure, unsullied by facts. ~ Christopher Moore

Oh, goddamn," said Minty Fresh (damn on the downbeat, with pain and sustain). "Goddamn, my hood and grille are all fucked up. Goddamn. I will tolerate the rising of darkness to cover the world, but you do not fuck with my ride. ~ Christopher Moore

Creatures of the night were rising from their resting places and venturing forth to feed on their unsuspecting victims. ~ Christopher Moore

Sweet Pocket, you mustn't ask about my life before I came here. What I am now, I have always been, and everything I am is here with you."
"Sweet Thalia," said I. "That is a fiery flagon of dragon toss. ~ Christopher Moore

She looked at him - those wide blue eyes - with sort of an odd, glazed look. Not with the adoration or wonder that you might expect, more like she'd been drinking and would be leaving as soon as she found her car keys. ~ Christopher Moore

But there was no gangrene or amputations like the doctors threatened, and we got a B, so I don't see what all the noise and counseling was about. Anyway, ~ Christopher Moore

Tommy moved on. Lash, your people have been oppressed for hundreds of years. It's time to strike back. Look, you don't have your MBA yet - they haven't completely juiced you of your usefulness yet. Would Martin Luther King back down from this challenge? Malcolm X? James Brown? Don't you have a dream? Don't you feel good, like you knew that you would, now? ~ Christopher Moore

You put your dick in my lunch? ~ Christopher Moore

I don't give a toss about being remembered after my death. ~ Christopher Moore

Okey dokey, fire up the blender, let's make a furry-flurry smoothie out of that squirrel! ~ Christopher Moore

No theory ever benefited by the application of data, Amy. Data kills theories. A theory has no better time than when it's lying there naked, pure, unsullied by facts. Let's just keep it that way for a while."
"So you don't really have a theory?"
"Clueless."
"You lying bag of fish heads."
"I can fire you, you know. Even if Clay was the one that hired you, I'm not totally superfluous to this operation yet. I'm kind of in charge. I can fire you. Then how will you live?"
"I'm not getting paid."
"See, right there. Perfectly good concept ruined by the application of fact. ~ Christopher Moore

Enchantment and seduction were fine means of persuasion, but when time is short, an awkward but quick concussion could better serve a girl's purpose. ~ Christopher Moore

A Bluesman hates to be told what to do. Authority rankles him, inspires his rebellion, and plays to his need to self-destruct. A Bluesman doesn't take to having a boss unless he's on a chain gang (for the chain gang boss ranks below only a mean old woman and a sweet young thing in the hierarchy of the Blues Muse, followed closely by bad liquor, a dead dog, and the Man). ~ Christopher Moore

So, I guess we're going to kill this guy, she thought. Then she said, "How does Thursday look for you? ~ Christopher Moore

Fate does not favor the dim. ~ Christopher Moore

That's a horrible plan." "Yes, but I have chosen to ignore that. ~ Christopher Moore

Pursuit of material gain is ultimately empty when measured against eternity; ~ Christopher Moore

I don't know,' Charlie said. 'Have you gotten a good look at them? I mean, they got the badonkadonk out back and some fine bajoopbadangs up front, know what I'm sayin', dog? Buss a rock wid a playa?' He offered his fist for Minty to buss him a rock, but alas, the mint one left him hangin'. ~ Christopher Moore

I didn't do anything. I didn't move a thing, I didn't touch a thing, I didn't change a thing. Believers do everything. ~ Christopher Moore

Life is messy. Would that every puzzle piece fell into place, every word was kind, every accident happy, but such is not the case. Life is messy ~ Christopher Moore

You know, there's a 12 step program for gambling. You should look into that.
Twelve steps. Coyote laughed. I'll bet I can do it in six. ~ Christopher Moore

Drowned, dead, duplicitous slut! ~ Christopher Moore

There comes a point where you'll find something out, where you'll see something, or where something will suddenly come together, and you'll realize that you know something that no one else in the world knows yet. Just you. No one else. You realize that all the value you have is in that one thing, and you're only going to have it for a short time until you tell someone else, but for that time you are more alive than you'll ever be. ~ Christopher Moore

Moi?", said I, in perfect fucking French. ~ Christopher Moore

Animals might put up with that smiley shit, but people will eventually kill you for it. ~ Christopher Moore

You first, Tommy said. They stood in the great room of their loft on either side of the futon, where the huge cat, a crossbreed between a Persian, a dust mop, and possibly a water buffalo, was actively shedding. ~ Christopher Moore

And so it came to pass, that Joshua of Nazareth moved among them, healing them and performing miracles, and all the little blind children of Nicobar did see again, and all the lame did stand up and walk. The little fuckers. And ~ Christopher Moore

There's always a bloody ghost. ~ Christopher Moore

The reason I'm writing funny books is that I wish there were more. ~ Christopher Moore

Oh, and a huge Federal Building that looked like it was being molested by a giant steel pterodactyl, but evidently that was just the government trying to get away from their standard bomb shelter architecture to something more aesthetically appealing, especially if you liked Godzilla porn. ~ Christopher Moore

We know there's going to be nothing but pain, but we go back again and again. ~ Christopher Moore

So safe," Coyote said, "that you can lose it in a day? To be safe is to be afraid. Is that what you want: to be afraid? ~ Christopher Moore

When you go on book tour, you're always talking about yourself and your book from the time you get up in the morning until you go out at night. You, you. You get really sick of yourself. ~ Christopher Moore

The angel has confided in me that he is going to ask the Lord if he can become Spider-Man. [ ... ] The children need heroes, he says. I think he just wants to swing from buildings in tight red jammies. ~ Christopher Moore

I am not the blues, I am jazz. I want to be present in the moment, not wallow in it. ~ Christopher Moore

And I'm all, "Do you want to get coffee? I have a bag of blood and ten thousand dollars in my messenger." The nosferatu can totally drink lattes as long as they put some blood in it, unless they're lactose intolerant. And he stops and looks at me. He's like, "Really, ten thousand? Think that will be enough?" And I'm like, "Well, you'll have to drink the cheap stuff, but I like to drink my lattes directly out of the veins of a toddler, and those little fuckers aren't cheap. ~ Christopher Moore

He smiled to himself. Through many centuries and many incarnations, he had learned one universal truth: bitches love them some cushions. ~ Christopher Moore

Y'all act like I brought the ladies to the party, but they come on they own, cuz. A door open up out the Underworld, there they is. It's y'all's fault they here. All y'all let shit get so fucked up here they was drawn here like hoes to coke. ~ Christopher Moore

Outside the bedroom Jane fumbled around and in her purse and produced a pack of cigarettes, but couldn't figure out whether to smoke one or not. "Holy Motown Jesus with Pips, what the fuck is going on in there? ~ Christopher Moore

(He reasoned: A well-formed bottom hanging in space is just a well-formed bottom, but you hook up a well-formed bottom to a whip-smart woman and apply a dash of the awkward and what you've got yourself is ... well, trouble.) ~ Christopher Moore

Yo, yo, yo, check it out, said PJ, with enough hand gestures that any deaf person watching would have thought he had ASL Tourette's syndrome ~ Christopher Moore

A hundred brilliant witticisms died suffocating on the captain's heavy glove. Thus muted, I pumped my codpiece at the duke and tried to force a fart, but my bum tumpet could find no note. ~ Christopher Moore

It was a machine-gun orgasm, dark chocolate, spring water in the desert, a hallelujah chorus and the cavelry coming to the rescue all at once. ~ Christopher Moore

My name," said Mr. Fresh.
"Pardon?" Charlie stopped tying himself up.
"I dress in mint green because of my first name. It's Minty."
Charlie completely forgot what he was worried about. "Minty? Your name is Minty Fresh?"
Charlie appeared to be trying to stifle a sneeze, but then snorted an explosive laugh. Then ducked. ~ Christopher Moore

Nothing says Christmas like a burning meth lab. ~ Christopher Moore

There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon. ~ Christopher Moore

In Breeze's business one got used to running across the skeletons in people's closets. If Billy's skeleton wore women's underwear, it didn't really matter. Homosexuality on Billy Winston was like acne on a leper. ~ Christopher Moore

Hope is bulletproof, truth just hard to hit ~ Christopher Moore

It was sometimes difficult to reconcile a man's talents with his personality. ~ Christopher Moore

She pulled down the blanket and aimed baby Sophie's bottom at him like she might unleash a fusillade of weapons-grade poopage such as the guileless Beta Male had never seen. ~ Christopher Moore

For a while he'd tried molding himself into the tragic Romantic hero, brooding and staring clench-jawed off into space as he composed dark verse in his head. But it turned out that trying to appear tragic in Incontinence, Indiana, was redundant, and his mother kept shouting at him and making him forget his rhymes. "Tommy, if you keep grinding your teeth like that, they'll wear away and you'll have to have dentures like Aunt Ester." Tommy only wished his beard was as heavy as Aunt Ester's
then he could stare out over the moors while he stroked it pensively. ~ Christopher Moore

The devil was smaller and rather younger than I would have guessed. He danced barefoot around the fire as he stoked it in preparation for my torment. The fiend wore a tunic of rough linen, leaves and sticks clinging to it, and a bycocket hat with a single feather in the style of bow hunters back home in Blighty. Bit of a ginger fringe. Scrawny and pathetic, really, for the prince of bloody darkness. ~ Christopher Moore

Go away. Your feet are misshapen and your eyebrows grow together in a threatening way. ~ Christopher Moore

What?" he said. "What? What? What?" "Master, you're walking on the water," said Peter. "I just ate," Joshua said. "You can't go into the water for an hour after you eat. You could get a cramp. What, none of you guys have mothers? ~ Christopher Moore

One day I was telling him that I thought that cars had replaced guns as phallic symbols for American men, and I thought it was interesting that he had one that was so small and fast. The next day he gave me the Datsun and went out and bought a Lincoln. ~ Christopher Moore

Accepting death folds the soul, tempers and layers it like a Damascus blade. When I'd thrown myself into the canal in grief, only to be pulled out by the Moor, I'd become colder, more durable. ~ Christopher Moore

As if someone had thrown a hand grenade into the middle of a teddy bear orgy and the only survivors had had their fur blown off. ~ Christopher Moore

Does the work get easier once you know what you are doing?"
"Your lungs grow thick with stone dust and your eyes bleary from the sun and fragments thrown up by the chisel. You pour your lifeblood out into works of stone for Romans who will take your money in taxes to feed soldiers who will nail your people to crosses for wanting to be free. Your back breaks, your bones creak, your wife screeches at you, and your children torment you with open begging mouths, like greedy baby birds in the nest. You go to bed every night so tired and beaten that you pray to the Lord to send the angel of death to take you in your sleep so you don't have to face another morning. It also has its downside. ~ Christopher Moore

And so Charlie Asher ... led an army of fourteen-inch-tall bundles of animal bits, armed with everything from knitting needles to a spork, into the storm sewers of San Fransciso. ~ Christopher Moore

What this movie needs is more brain eating zombies. ~ Christopher Moore

It was an eight-harlot inn, if that's how you measure an inn. (I understand that now they measure inns in stars. We are in a four-star inn right now. I don't know what the conversion from harlots to stars is.) ~ Christopher Moore

Sweetheart, wake up; you've destroyed the house and I need you to suffer for it. ~ Christopher Moore

How do you know, when you think blue - when you say blue - that you are talking about the same blue as anyone else?

You cannot get a grip on blue.

Blue is the sky, the sea, a god's eye, a devil's tail, a birth, a strangulation, a virgin's cloak, a monkey's ass. It's a butterfly, a bird, a spicy joke, the saddest song, the brightest day.

Blue is sly, slick, it slides into the room sideways, a slippery trickster.

This is a story about the color blue, and like blue, there's nothing true about it. Blue is beauty, not truth. 'True blue' is a ruse, a rhyme; it's there, then it's not. Blue is a deeply sneaky color. ~ Christopher Moore