Christopher Moore Quotes

You should never pass up an opportunity to be kind. You should never not thank someone. You should never not say something nice when you think it.

Marry for love, stay married, and raise happy children who are quick to laugh and slow to judge.

I have followed my penis into hell
and returned with the story.

I didn't do anything. I didn't move a thing, I didn't touch a thing, I didn't change a thing. Believers do everything.

I think I'm what they call a never-was.

Alive," Kimi interrupted. "I get you out of typhoon alive and you just yell and say bad things. I quit. You get new navigator. Roberto say you mean, nasty, Chevy-driving, milk-drinking, American dog f*cker."
I don't drink milk," Tuck said. Ha! Won that round.

He shuffled along with the hang-dog look of the cosmically fucked.

Oh, do fuck off. You Muslims and your aversion to drink. Fucking slaughter the greater part of the Western fucking world in Allah's name, but someone wants to toast to your health and suddenly it's all piety, prayer, throw out the pork, and let's put draperies around the women.

I don't give a toss about being remembered after my death.

No, you don't understand, young man. You couldn't understand. Emily was my life. I got up in the morning for her, I went to work for her, I built a business for her. I couldn't wait to get home at night to tell her about my day. I went to bed with her and I dreamed about her when I slept. She was my passion, my wife, my best friend, the love of my life. And one day, without warning, she was gone and my life is a void. You couldn't possibly understand.

Moi?", said I, in perfect fucking French.

Don't drive drunk. Ever. Don't shag anyone you don't like, or who doesn't like you. Get a look at how people live in a place where you don't. Suffering is over-rated, don't pursue it. Ask for help when you need it, don't when you don't, and learn to recognize the difference. Don't confuse movement and progress. Be kind. Be forgiving. Pay attention.

Given the choice between grabbing a strange tongue and watching a monster poop into a giant snail shell, the face retreats and slams the door behind it

Crimson, made from the blood of Romanian virgins."
"Really?" said Henri. his head was spinning and he had to lean on his cane to steady himself.
"No, not really. But it is Romanian. Made from beetles handpicked from the roots of weeds near Bucharest. but they are ugly beetles. They might be virgins. I wouldn't fuck them. You want some?

One suit for the White Devil!" in Mandarin,

You can only eat so much white cake.

How much humanity has been spoiled for the confusion of movement with progress, my friend?

Perhaps there is a reason that there is no fool piece on the chessboard. What action, a fool? What strategy, a fool? What use, a fool? Ah, but a fool resides in a deck of cards, a joker, sometimes two. Of no worth, of course. No real purpose. The appearance of a trump, but none of the power: Simply an instrument of chance. Only a dealer may give value to the joker.

It kept him from reaching that place that he hit so, so often in his life, the mind-bending, sob-inducing limit where he said to himself, I just cannot endure any more motherfucking death. No more! Order. Put everything in order. Serve order. That was the why and what of it. Order.

People always stay the age that they died at. My big brother died of leukemia when I was six. He was eight. Now when I think of him, he's always eight, and he's still my big brother. He never changes, and the part of me that remembers him never changes.

Charlie noted that more and more lately, he had a hard time resisting the urge to fuck with people, especially when they insisted upon behaving like idiots.

A question asked in earnest deserves an earnest answer.

(For what is curiosity if not intellectual temptation? And what progress is there without curiosity?)

Look, I've always had an empty place in my life that I've alternatively tried to fill with food and penises, but now I have something.

Oh, how the pillars of lust can crumble under the weight of stupidity.

After all the evidence is in
after you've run all the facts by everything you know
and you're still lost, you have to do some things on faith.

Lily liked the fog, and didn't even mind the cold wind. She reckoned that Ocean Beach, the dunes there, and the Sunset were the closest San Francisco was going to come to the foreboding, wind-swept moors of England, where she had aspired to suffer romance and heartache when she was a kid. The foghorn, however, rather than a lonesome lament that conjured images of Heathcliff's dark figure, waiting with clenched jaw on the moor for her to bring light and warmth into his life, sounded like a distressed moose tied up in her neighbor's garage, having his nut sack singed with jumper cables at a precise interval calculated to keep her from falling asleep. Which, in turn, made her think of what complete douche bags people could be when all you wanted to do was borrow a defibrillator. Then she was awake and angry.

Charlie Asher: I accidently shagged a monk last night.
Minty Fresh: Sometimes, in times of crisis, that shit cannot be avoided.

Know what I like about mysteries? They're mysterious.

Outside the bedroom Jane fumbled around and in her purse and produced a pack of cigarettes, but couldn't figure out whether to smoke one or not. "Holy Motown Jesus with Pips, what the fuck is going on in there?

Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby, you can be the director of the opponent's fate.

Soon a whole guild of low-priced shrine keepers around Europe named their own pope - Boldface the Relatively Shameless, Discount Pope of Prague. The price war was on [ ... ] The Retail Pope would offer cheesy bacon toppings on the Host with communion and the Discount Pope would counter with topless nun night for midnight mass.

You're the one with almost an MBA," Barry, the short balding one, said to Lash. "You should know what to do." "They don't cover what to do with a dead hooker," Lash countered. "That's a whole different program. Political science, I think." Despite

Moses should have said Let my people go. Please.

Stephenie Meyer: Her vampires are sparkly, which I think we can all agree is wrong.

WARNING
This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as non-traditional grammar, split infinitives, and the odd wank. If that sort of thing bothers you, then gentle reader pass by, for we endeavor only to entertain, not to offend. That said, if that's the sort of thing you think you might enjoy, then you have happened upon the perfect story!

One of them hissed-not the hiss of a cat, a long, steady tone-more like the hiss of air escaping the rubber raft that is all that lies between you and a dark sea full of sharks, the hiss of your life leaking out at the seams.

Inside, I was like: Ha, suck my spiky rubber strap-on, vampyre hunter!

What this movie needs is more brain eating zombies.

I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.

All men are evil, that's what I was talking to my father about.
What did he say?
Fuck 'em.
Really?
Yeah.
At least he answered you.
I got the feeling that he thinks it's my problem now.
Makes you wonder why he didn't burn that on one of the tablets. 'HERE, MOSES, HERE'S THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, AND HERE'S AN EXTRA ONE THAT SAYS FUCK 'EM.'
He doesn't sound like that.

Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? Seems like maybe it would make more sense to call in a SWAT team or Special Forces." "That won't work, isn't Special Forces where everyone gets a hug?" Charlie called. "That's the Special Olympics," Rivera said over his shoulder.

If it be not destiny, then surely there is plausible deniability, which in the parlance of politics is the same thing.

There's always a bloody ghost.

One can't be free without action.

It's easier to keep a secret if people think you're crazy

If you do your job and assume that everyone else is incompetent, you will seldom be disappointed.

So, have you seen Flood?" she asked. "Cop?" She added "cop" with a high pop on the p, like it was a punctuation mark, not a profession

Minty? Your name is Minty Fresh?

The little people parted and two of them carried a tray with the head of an animal Wiggley Charlie didn't recognize down an aisle. (It was the head of an opossum, but the o was silent, as often happens with the decapitated.)

Why do you call this dog Mohammed?" asked the bearded man. "Because that's his name." "You should not have called this dog Mohammed." "I didn't call the dog Mohammed," Charlie said. "His name was Mohammed when I got him. It was on his collar." "It is blasphemy to call a dog Mohammed." "I tried calling him something else, but he doesn't listen. Watch. Steve, bite this man's leg? See, nothing. Spot, bite off this man's leg. Nothing. I might as well be speaking Farsi. You see where I'm going with this?" "Well, I have named my dog Jesus. How do you feel about that?" "Well, then I'm sorry, I didn't realize you'd lost your dog." "I have not lost my dog." "Really? I saw these flyers all over town with 'Have You Found Jesus?' on them. It must be another dog named Jesus. Was there a reward? A reward helps, you know." Charlie

Okey dokey, fire up the blender, let's make a furry-flurry smoothie out of that squirrel!

Come with us," I said, "and we will make you oarlock makers of men." "What?" said Joshua. "That's what they were doing when we came up. Making an oarlock. Now you see how stupid that sounds?" "It's not the same.

You're going to need more than that to usher in the kingdom of God, Josh, no offense. We can't go home with, 'Hi, I'm the Messiah, God wanted you to have this bacon.

He has the attention span of a hummingbird.

I like my tea like I like my men," Audrey said. Jane looked at her quizzically. "Weak and green," Charlie said.

The Beta Male is seldom the strongest or the fastest, but because he can anticipate danger, he far outnumbers his Alpha Male competition. The

I'm fucked.
We're fucked. Together. Like Romeo and Juliet, only we get to be in a sequel.

It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.

Minty now held his arms out to his sides, angry Jesus style, suffer all the bitch-ass motherf*ckers need an ass-whoopin' unto me, for I shall rain wrath down upon them -- that look.

The bat was looking at Theo and Theo was having trouble following his own thoughts.The bat was wearing tiny sunglasses.Ray Bans,Theo could see by the trademark in the corner of one lens."I'm sorry, Mr.,uh- Case, could you take the bat off your head.It's very distracting."
Him."
Pardon?"
It's a him.Roberto.He no like the light.

Why understand when you can believe?

Praying is talking to God. Meditating is listening.

When war makes commerce and commerce is law, profit rules prudence and justice is flawed.

At the pet store he picked out two painted turtles, each about as big around as a mayonnaise-jar lid. He bought them a large kidney shaped dish that had its own little island, a plastic palm tree, some aquatic plants, and a snail. The snail, presumably, to bolster the self-esteem of the turtles: "You think we're slow? Look at that guy." To store up the snail's morale in the same way, there was a rock.

Love is where you find it.

I was all, "Oh, dog, Countess gonna crack open a forty of whup-ass on you now. Oh, you in the sh*t now, wigga!" (I am not incline to use hip-hop vernacular often, but there are times when, like French, it just better expresses the sentiment of the moment.) -Abby

I was baptized Methodist, but I was mainly raised First Church of NFL, which is to say that my family, especially my father, was much more concerned with watching football on Sundays than attending services.

So I am death" Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast.
"This is death toast sweety.

Slowly and gently, Augustus Brine explained to the king of the Djinn about the illusion created by motion pictures. When he finished, he felt like he had just raped the tooth fairy in front of a class of kindergartners.

He always had a problem with the purity of others. Never his own.

An original thought would crack your feeble skull like a thunderbolt, you craven vulture.

This is the Marina. This is where you go between the fraternity or sorority house and your first divorce. Look around, except for our waitress, who I guarantee doesn't live in this neighborhood, it's all people who are completely self-absorbed without a shred of self-awareness." "Wow, that's harsh," Mike said. "You haven't served them," Lily said.

He loved constantly, instantly, spontaneously, without thought or words. That's what he taught me. Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift.

It's French," she said. "They designed it like a zoo - you know, keep 'em in, but give everyone a good look at 'em...

It was the sound of a thousand hungry children crying, ten thousand widows tearing their hair over their husband's graves, a chorus of angels singing the last dirge on the day of God's death.

The prospect of change is a many-fanged beast, my dear.

The value of the work we do is the value we give to it.

Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.

Diogenes carried a bowl with him for years, but one day saw a man drinking from his cupped palm and declared, 'I have been a fool, burdened all these years by the weight of a bowl when a perfectly good vessel lay at the end of my wrist.

[after Sammy struggles to unhook Stilton's bra]
She rolled onto her face to give him a good shot at the hook in the back. "Free my people!"
"I will. I am the Harriet Tubman of your breasts.

Is it so hard for you to give up what you never had?

Most of us don't live our lives with one, integrated self that meets the world, we're a whole bunch of selves.

Change comes through action.

The landings below the bridge were perfect alcoves for conspiracy.

I will not die for a long time." Joseph tugged at his gray beard. "My beard goes white, but there's a lot of life in me yet."
"Don't be so sure, Abba," Joshua said.
Joseph dropped the bowl he was working on and stared into his hands. "Run away and play, you two," he said, his voice little more than a whisper.
Joshua stood and walked away. I wanted to throw my arms around the old man, for I had never seen a grown man afraid before and it frightened me too. "Can I help?" I said, pointing to the half-finished bowl that lay in Joseph's lap.
"You go with Joshua. He needs a friend to teach him to be human. Then I can teach him to be a man.

So I'm all, "Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you!" Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely. (I believe hip-hop to be the apprpriate language for taunting, at least until I learn French.)

We've been rehearsing a classic from antiquity, Green Eggs and Hamlet, the story of a young prince of Denmark who goes mad, drowns his girlfriend, and in his remorse, forces spoiled breakfast on all whom he meets.

As a teacher of fourth-graders in a public school, where corporal punishement was not allowed, she had years of violence stored up and was, truth be told, sort of enjoying letting it out on Kona, who she felt could have been the poster child for the failure of public education.

What do you want?"
"Spain"
"Fuck!

I'll not have an exchange with an impudent fool." [Oswald]
He's not impudent," said Jones [the puppet]. "With proper inspiration, the lad sports a woody as stout as a mooring pin. Ask your lady."
I nodded in agreement with the puppet, for he is most wise for having a brain of sawdust.
Impudent! Impudent! Not impotent!" said Oswald, frothing a bit now.

Life is an irritation.

That's what I'm saying, said Charlie, who wasn't saying that at all.

Medication and forgiveness can make for joyous moments with the dying - it

Joshua grinned: "I think we'll both do better than my cousin John and his 'hold them underwater until they agree with you' sermon.

Ten salespeople, all young, all dressed in generic cotton casual, looked up from their conversations, spotted the money in her hand, and simultaneously stopped breathing-their brains shutting down bodily functions and rerouting the needed energy to calculate the projected commissions contained in Jody's cash. One by one they resumed breathing and marched toward her, a look of dazed hunger in their eyes: a pack of zombies from the perky, youthful version of The Night of the Living Dead. "I wear a size four and I've got a date in fifteen minutes," Jody said. "Dress me." They descended on her like an evil khaki wave.

Why is it one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere, but one must busta cap in someone's ass?

I could stand on my head and flick the bean right there at the dinner table and my mom would be all, "Honey, Christmas is family time, we should be together" and make me finish in front of everyone.

Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.

Andrew Lloyd Webber's version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones.